issue136前有pooh的满分作文都不敢发了哦，请砸！！

flyingwindUID: 189320

------题目------
The absence of choice is a circumstance that is very, very rare.
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Is the absence of choice really a circumstance that is very, very rare? Though I concede that everyone has the right to make his/her own choice, I still insist that the absence of choice is not very rare, and sometimes in great popularity.

Admittedly, ever since we come to the world, choices are linked with us. For example, in the individual level, ever since kindergarten, we chose to select our friends to play; as adolescents we chose our social niche and appeal to peers we prefer. We also choose the school which we can get the best education and career training. After graduation, we can choose to continue to be post-graduates or to be employees. Also in the economic level and in the political level the choice also does its way day by day.

Nevertheless, after reflection of all those circumstances of so-called free choices, one can uncover something behind the image of those appealing atmospheres. That is, all those free choices suffice two conditions at the same time: first, these choices can be reached under the control of the people impose them. Second, these choices cannot do harm to the other individuals, community or society, or the conductor will get more harm than favor form the choice.

In the first place, the reason of the absence of choice has to do with capability. Take the college-entry procedure as an example. Though the student can make his/her own choice of which university or which particular career he/she will go on, they choose under the limitation of the scores and personal healthy so as they cannot choose freely. For instance, there is a hot realm, say, computer science, that many students aim at, in this case, the university has to say no to those getting relatively lower scores and let alone to let them select, the same thing also with the selection of university.

In the second place, the absence of choice is also due to all kinds of limitation, such as laws, regulation, rules and so on. For example, the criminals are put in the prison and cannot freely go wherever they want to go, even some of them are deprived of the fundamental choice--to live. Drivers who obviate the traffic regulation will be fined or punished as to the extend he/she committed. The choices are all under the manipulation of all these laws, regulations and rules, the one who aberrant the critical line will lose the choice to choose again.

Furthermore, in the sociology level, I mean, all men/women are born in society. There is no person living in the concept but in the society. As one part of society, he/she is under the control or the rule of the govern class. Too arbitrary choices to one person mean less choices to the other.  In a centralized country one still can make ones own choose but in a more narrowed territory, as in a democratic country the freedom to choose seems improved greatly but also under the control of laws, regulations or rules. In fact, obviate those laws, regulations or rules will definitely be detrimental to the other people, the community or even the society as a whole.

In sum, with the reasons discussed above, I strongly disagree that the absence of choice is a circumstance that is very, very rare. The free choice must be based on the premise that it can be reached by the ability of the people and it cannot influence the choices of the others.

happymichelleUID: 154082

Is the absence of choice really a circumstance that is very, very rare? Though I concede that everyone has the right to make his/her own choice, I still insist that the absence of choice is not very rare, and sometimes in great popularity.

Admittedly, ever since we come to the world, choices are linked with us. For example, in the individual level, ever since kindergarten, we chose to select our friends to play（with）; as adolescents we chose our social niche and appeal to peers we prefer. We also choose the school which we can get the best education and career training. After graduation, we can choose(whether) to continue to be post-graduates or to be employees. Also in the economic level and in the political level the choice also does its way day by day.

Nevertheless, after reflection of all those circumstances of so-called free choices, one can uncover something behind the image of those appealing atmospheres. That is, all those free choices suffice two conditions at the same time: first, these choices can be reached under the control of the people(who) impose them. Second, these choices cannot do harm to the(不要the) other individuals, community or society, or the conductor will get more harm than favor form the choice.

In the first place, the reason of the absence of choice has to do with capability.(这段开始说the absence of choice但是从上一段过来看稍显突兀，过度不自然) Take the college-entry procedure as an example. Though the student can make his/her own choice of which university or which particular career he/she will go on, they choose under the limitation of the scores and personal healthy(health) so as they cannot choose freely. For instance, there is a hot realm, say, computer science, that many students aim at, in this case, the university has to say no to those getting relatively lower scores and let alone to let them select, the same thing also with the selection of university.

In the second place, the absence of choice is also due to all kinds of limitation, such as laws, regulation, rules and so on. For example, the criminals are put in the prison and cannot freely go wherever they want to go, even some of them are deprived of the fundamental choice--to live. Drivers who obviate(disobey) the traffic regulation will be fined or punished as to the extend he/she committed. The choices are all under the manipulation of all these laws, regulations and rules, the one who(is) aberrant(adj后面不能跟宾语) the critical line will lose the choice to choose again.

Furthermore, in the sociology level, I mean, all men/women are born in society. There is no person living in the concept but in the society. As one part of society, he/she is under the control or the rule of the govern class. Too arbitrary choices to one person mean less choices to the other. In a centralized country one still can make ones own choose（choice） but in a more narrowed territory, as in a democratic country the freedom to choose seems improved greatly but also under the control of laws, regulations or rules. In fact, obviate those laws, regulations or rules will definitely be detrimental to the other people, the community or even the society as a whole.(感觉这一段跟上一段说的一个意思)

In sum, with the reasons discussed above, I strongly disagree that the absence of choice is a circumstance that is very, very rare. The free choice must be based on the premise that it can be reached by the ability of the people and it cannot influence the choices of the others.

poohUID: 146994

Para 1.
You'd better repeat the issue topic in your own word, i.e. try to avoid using the vocabularies of the original issues topic.

"I still insist that the absence of choice is not very rare, and sometimes in great popularity."
----This sentense is problematic. In the sentense " The absence of choice is sometimes in great popularity" , the subjective and the predicative don't fit well. You can say" the absence is quite common"


Para 2

"Admittedly, ever since we come to the world, choices are linked with us"
Your expression is not that accurate.

It is better to change this sentense into---> Admittedly, ever since we come to the world, choices are endowed to us.

Para 3:
This para is good，while the link of the para3 with the rest of the bodies isn't close. It seems the Para3 is quite a independent para. You should add more sentenses to show the relationships of Para3 and the rest paras.


it seems that Para5 and Para6 is a little repetitive, since in these two paras you both relates to regulations laws.. In my opinion, you can put these two paras together without the division between the individual level and society level.


In conclusion, I like your logic analysis of this issue. It is kinda refreshing. But the opening and concluding para are not that satisfying, especially the opening (i have pointed out the reason earlier ). Plus, there are several places where the use of vocabs is problematic.  After all, it's a good job ! It deserves score of 4.5 or more. Keep on!

flyingwindUID: 189320

感谢！我来研究下下

flyingwindUID: 189320

我再想想！你是05。6g的吗？作文哪天考？

flyingwindUID: 189320

句子有几个不通顺的还烦你改过了，的确写的好
我觉得我最缺少的就是结构思想顺承

1。Para 1.
You'd better repeat the issue topic in your own word, i.e. try to avoid using the vocabularies of the original issues topic.
完全同意！以后要注意下

2  Para 3:
This para is good，while the link of the para3 with the rest of the bodies isn't close. It seems the Para3 is quite a independent para. You should add more sentenses to show the relationships of Para3 and the rest paras.
body2先让步，后面body3后面的是文章主体。body3提出观点“所谓的自由选择并不是任意的，必须受到限制，也就是与题目所说的意见相反，往往没有选择的情况也很多（选择受限制了）”并提出2点限制；1。人要有能力做出选择2。不能给他人带来损害（剥夺了别人选择的机会）。后面分别用body4，5来分别阐明这2点。
“while the link of the para3 with the rest of the bodies isn't close.”逻辑上感觉可行吧，是我没连接好吗？

3。 it seems that Para5 and Para6 is a little repetitive, since in these two paras you both relates to regulations laws.. In my opinion, you can put these two paras together without the division between the individual level and society level.  我再想想。

4。But the opening and concluding para are not that satisfying, especially the opening (i have pointed out the reason earlier )
这个一直捆绕人呢。看到ets的范文觉得真是牛啊

5  After all, it's a good job ! It deserves score of 4.5 or more. Keep on!
称赞我呢，很受鼓励！

非常感谢！！！

apolloxpUID: 156355

不错的一篇文章
觉得第5段和第6段分别从法律法规对人的约束，社会文化对个体的影响来论述可能会好些

happymichelleUID: 154082

最初由 flyingwind 发布
[B]我再想想！你是05。6g的吗？作文哪天考？ [/B]

打算1月底考

flyingwindUID: 189320

最初由 apolloxp 发布
[B]不错的一篇文章
觉得第5段和第6段分别从法律法规对人的约束，社会文化对个体的影响来论述可能会好些 [/B]

非常感谢！很受鼓励啊

poohUID: 146994

气死我了，刚才打了好多字，一提交居然掉线，郁闷...

第三段跟四五六段联系不紧密，需要过渡性的语句

第三段跟第四段衔接得很唐突

flyingwindUID: 189320

最初由 pooh 发布
[B]气死我了，刚才打了好多字，一提交居然掉线，郁闷...

第三段跟四五六段联系不紧密，需要过渡性的语句

第三段跟第四段衔接得很唐突 [/B]

真的非常感谢！
我再想想

花之颜色UID: 187195

这里人气好旺啊，基本上偶要说的大家都说了，我先提个小错供参考In the first place, the reason of the absence of choice has to do with capability.(是不是应该has something to do with？），还有我就例子提点意见，感觉有点不太恰当，能力那个body里面，健康状况也算能力么？而且后面好像主要也是写分数的问题，跟健康不沾，还有就是，举完这个例子，我觉得把分数高低跟个人能力的关系再阐述一下或者改下中心句好点，否则感觉中心句跟论证契合的不是特别好，当然后面的论证还是不错的。the one who aberrant the critical line will lose the choice to choose again.这句武断了，偏离以后还是有机会回头的啊，建议再考虑～最后再次多谢你帮我改文章^_^

flyingwindUID: 189320

最初由 花之颜色 发布
[B]In the first place, the reason of the absence of choice has to do with capability.(是不是应该has something to do with？） [/B]

这个应该没有错的，用法和意思（和。。有关）参见老外280

[B] 还有我就例子提点意见，感觉有点不太恰当，能力那个body里面，健康状况也算能力么？而且后面好像主要也是写分数的问题，跟健康不沾，还有就是，举完这个例子，我觉得把分数高低跟个人能力的关系再阐述一下或者改下中心句好点，否则感觉中心句跟论证契合的不是特别好[/B]

实际上我在想这2点分论点可能有重合的地方，本来是想第1点是与能力有关，这里我想的就是‘能做选择’；第2点是受限制不能选择，使得即使‘能够做’。本来我想的是2个论点分的开的，第1个论点和第2个的区别在于：即使规则，法律。。可以让你做出选择，但是事实上没有能力做到。但是论证的时候，写文章的时候很难分开。比如一个学生由于考分少了上不了理想的大学，可以说是第2个的限制，应为规则有分数的控制线；但难道不可以说是第1个吗？毕竟，规则提供了一个标准，是自己‘不能’使得上不了。
可能这是pooh和前面apollpxp等认为有点乱了logic的地方。要改从第3段开始后面的结构都要改动的。不再机械的分成所谓的逻辑段，而是logiclly阐述清楚不能选择的原因。

[B] the one who aberrant the critical line will lose the choice to choose again.这句武断了，偏离以后还是有机会回头的啊，建议再考虑[/B]

有道理，在考虑ing

[B]最后再次多谢你帮我改文章[/B]

共同进步！！