Issue46 望大虾们多多指点

zzfalconUID: 175235

Issue 46While some leaders in government, sports, industry, and other areas attribute their success to a well-developed sense of competition, a society can better prepare its young people for leadership by instilling in them a sense of cooperation.

Is it more helpful to instill the idea of cooperation than just to broaden competition? It is true that during the last decades of our history, competition really boosts our economy and helps us have a more comfortable life.  However, the speaker claims that a society can prepare better its young people by instilling in them the sense of cooperation. I personally agree with the speaker on this issue.

Admittedly, competition really makes individual more successful and by so doing, offers us a better life. Let's just take a look at the field of sport, we will find how competition can hugely improve sports. In order for a country to win the Olympic game, it should spend a lot in training its athletes. Why every country has to appropriate that much? Competition plays a major role in it. There are over one hundred countries competing in the Olympic game every four years, and one country wants to win the game, it should beat the other countries. Then the competition is generated, since everyone wants to win the gold medal. When one country find another country has better way of training, which helps that country have better athletes and win the champion, it would adopt that way. When new methods are applied widely, the level of that kind of sport will improved. That is why we continue breaking the world records. However, if there are only three countries competing in this game, which would raise little competition among them, then why bothers to spend that much, for no doubt that each country would win a medal. So, the importance of competition is apparent.

However, competition itself as a two-edged weapon does not only yield advantages. Unduly competition even destroys the society. When both companies start something new, both have to start respectively from nothing. Since each company wants to win the competition, it should at first hide the method and the material it uses. However, it may cause waste of materials and money when these two companies may enjoy roughly the same method, which waste the valuable resources of the society. So, the flaws of competition are inevitable.

In fact, we, human being as a whole, are a tightly united organic organization; it is undeniable that nowadays no one can live well by claiming resolving everything by itself. With the process in science and the encroaching globalization, the importance of cooperation cannot be overlooked. If we share the knowledge within each separate department of the industry, we would waste less resource. What is more is that there are more subjects that we are going to take needs the cooperation of many apartments of the society or even many different nations. The ongoing space project shows us a picture of how we work together to achieve the goal of every country. Consequently, cooperation can benefit us hugely.

In sum, with the reasons listed above, we should not solely depend on competition to help us to grow. Although we really thrive on competition, in order to have more promising leaders and a better tomorrow, we should obviously prepare our young people the sense of cooperation.

apolloxpUID: 156355

Issue 46While some leaders in government, sports, industry, and other areas attribute their success to a well-developed sense of competition, a society can better prepare its young people for leadership by instilling in them a sense of cooperation.

Is it more helpful to instill the idea of cooperation than just to broaden competition? It is true that during the last decades of our history, competition really boosts our economy and helps us have a more comfortable life. However, the speaker claims that a society can prepare better its young people by instilling in them the sense of cooperation. I personally agree with the speaker on this issue.第一段问题不小。一上来就发问，但是又不给回答，转而去提最近10年来竞争的经济上好处，然后再回过来提原题的观点以及自己的立场。很绕。

Admittedly, competition really makes individual more successful and by so doing, offers us a better life. Let's just take a look at the field of sport, we will find how competition can hugely improve sports. In order for a country to win the Olympic gamegame也要大些，而且用复数Games。如何才叫在奥运会上获胜？无外乎金牌最多奖牌最多。并不是每个国家都有如此实力的，可以考虑改成 在奥运会上取得好成绩 或者 在奥运会某一单项上获胜, it should从上下文来看，这里似乎应该用must或者has to spend a lot in training its athletes.你有没有想过，在国外有些运动员的训练不是国家安排的？比如网球运动员是自己雇教练的 Why every country has to appropriate that much? Competition plays a major role in it. There are over one hundred countries competing in the Olympic game every four years, and one country wants to win the game, it should还是应该用must，是“必须”而不是“应该” beat the other countries. Then the competition is generated, since everyone wants to win the gold medal. When one country find another country has better way of training, which helps that country have better athletes and win the champion, it would adopt that way. When new methods are applied widely, the level of that kind of sport will improved. That is why we continue breaking the world records. However, if there are only three countries competing in this game, which would raise little competition among them, then why bothers to spend that much, for no doubt that each country would win a medal.你说的是团体赛（比如足蓝排）吧，如果是田径100米跑200米跑呢？还会是这样吗？这一句实在是授人以柄 So, the importance of competition is apparent.结尾干净利索。这一段讲竞争的好处，拿体育来说事是很自然的想法，但就具体的论据而言却是有破绽的。这里值得再好好推敲推敲

However, competition itself as a two-edged weapon does not only yield advantages. Unduly这个是副词，修饰名词该用形容词undue competition even destroys the society. When both companies start something new, both have to start respectively from nothing. Since each company wants to win the competition, it should at first hide the method and the material it uses. However, it may cause waste of materials and money when these two companies may enjoy roughly the same method, which waste the valuable resources of the society.这个问题是正常竞争造成的 不是不适当竞争 造成的。比如两个竞争对手各自开发新的电脑游戏，相互之间自然不会交流了，争夺市场份额使然。要说不适当竞争不难想到 过度的价格战，竞争各方都亏损 So, the flaws of competition are inevitable.这段论据仍有问题

In fact, we, human being as a whole, are a tightly united organic organization; it is undeniable that nowadays no one can live well by claiming resolving everything by itself. With the process in science and the encroaching globalization, the importance of cooperation cannot be overlooked. If we share the knowledge within each separate department of the industry, we would waste less resource. What is more is that there are more subjects that we are going to take needs the cooperation of many apartments of the society or even many different nations.这句读上去巨不爽。首先，原句有语病。第二，与其what's more is that不如what is more，... 第三，与其there are more subjects that we are going to take 不如we are going to take more subjects which... The ongoing space project shows us a picture of how we work together to achieve the goal of every country. Consequently, cooperation can benefit us hugely.谈了国际间的合作，却与young people根本不搭界

In sum, with the reasons listed above, we should not solely depend on competition to help us to grow. Although we really thrive on competition, in order to have more promising leaders and a better tomorrow, we should obviously prepare our young people the sense of cooperation.直到结尾才提到young people，cooperation
全文泛泛地在说竞争合作，对题目中a society can better prepare its young people for leadership by instilling in them a sense of cooperation视而不见。先让步说竞争，然后再提合作，看似结构合理其实根本是偏题了。此外就每一段来说都有问题。
楼主还需加油啊:)

wuwei2668UID: 189816

Is it more helpful to instill the idea of cooperation than just to broaden competition? It is true that during the last decades of our history, competition really boosts our economy and helps us have a more comfortable life. However, the speaker claims that a society can prepare better its young people by instilling in them the sense of cooperation. I personally agree with the speaker on this issue.

Admittedly, competition really makes individual more successful and by so doing, offers us a better life. Let's just take a look at the field of sport, we will find how competition can hugely improve sports. In order for a country to win the Olympic game, it should spend a lot in training its athletes. Why every country has to appropriate that much? Competition plays a major role in it. There are over one hundred countries competing in the Olympic game every four years, and one country wants to win the game, it should beat the other countries. Then the competition is generated, since everyone wants to win the gold medal. When one country find another country has better way of training, which helps that country have better athletes and win the champion, it would adopt that way. When new methods are applied widely, the level of that kind of sport will improved[be improved]. That is why we continue breaking the world records. However, if there are only three countries competing in this game, which would raise little competition among them, then why bothers to spend that much, for no doubt that each country would win a medal. So, the importance of competition is apparent.
你这里的论证有些问题，你的中心句是Admittedly, competition really makes individual more successful and by so doing, offers us a better life 但很显然你下文根本没提individual and life improvement而是大谈国家之间的体育竞争，有点偏题。你应该重点举的例子是个人如何从竞争中收益，如竞争提高工作效率，提升工作热情，改变工作态度等

However, competition itself as a two-edged weapon does not only yield advantages. Unduly competition even destroys the society. When both companies start something new, both have to start respectively from nothing. Since each company wants to win the competition, it should at first hide the method and the material it uses. However, it may cause waste of materials and money when these two companies may enjoy roughly the same method, which waste the valuable resources of the society. So, the flaws of competition are inevitable.
着段的论证也不够犀利，你并没有再恶性竞争这一环节上充分展开，反正我看过之后觉得着没什么严重的嘛。你应该多写些恶性竞争如何导致人与人之间的不信任，商业间谍导致行业道德以及信誉的沦丧。还有就是不公平竞争所带来得恶果，我们中国社会中这种现象太多了，写起来简直信手拈来，你说呢？

In fact, we, human being as a whole, are a tightly united organic organization; it is undeniable that nowadays no one can live well by claiming resolving everything by itself. With the process in science and the encroaching globalization, the importance of cooperation cannot be overlooked. If we share the knowledge within each separate department of the industry, we would waste less resource. What is more is that there are more subjects that we are going to take needs the cooperation of many apartments of the society or even many different nations. The ongoing space project shows us a picture of how we work together to achieve the goal of every country. Consequently, cooperation can benefit us hugely.
还是论证的问题，从上文我也没看出合作有多大的好处，你应该多论述些啊，比如全球化的今天，举蝴蝶效应为例the butterfly effect 纽约华尔街股票市场小小的变动可能再东南亚掀起一场飓风般的动荡，因此各国之间是城门和池鱼之间的关系，谁也离不开谁。而以制造业为例，从原料采购，到生产，销售，推广都是再不同国家进行的，各个环节缺一不可。还有以能源为例，如果OPEC不产油或提价，北美旧闹能源危机，而这样以来那些产油国的利益会受更大损失，如他们依赖进口的产品就会升价，因为成本也高了，因此大家都的好好合作，你说呢？

In sum, with the reasons listed above, we should not solely depend on competition to help us to grow. Although we really thrive on competition, in order to have more promising leaders and a better tomorrow, we should obviously prepare our young people the sense of cooperation.
呵呵，提了点不成熟的建议，但绝对是真诚的，希望有所帮助

zzfalconUID: 175235

首先感谢两位细心的评价。
第一段是有些绕。积极改正。
用some countries,是否可以回避掉你说的“在国外有些运动员的训练不是国家安排的？”
“你说的是团体赛（比如足蓝排）吧，如果是田径100米跑200米跑呢？还会是这样吗？这一句实在是授人以柄”，我是说如果只有三个国家进行比赛，自然任何国家都可以获奖，是我说明不清。
“这个问题是正常竞争造成的 不是不适当竞争 造成的。比如两个竞争对手各自开发新的电脑游戏，相互之间自然不会交流了，争夺市场份额使然。要说不适当竞争不难想到 过度的价格战，竞争各方都亏损”。我的意思是正当的都会有不好的一面。
“谈了国际间的合作，却与young people根本不搭界”，如果再强调一下企业合作的重要以及想成为好的leader就要合作是否更好？
的确我是偏题了。
“ 你这里的论证有些问题，你的中心句是Admittedly, competition really makes individual more successful and by so doing, offers us a better life 但很显然你下文根本没提individual and life improvement而是大谈国家之间的体育竞争，有点偏题。你应该重点举的例子是个人如何从竞争中收益，如竞争提高工作效率，提升工作热情，改变工作态度等”我有提到That is why we continue breaking the world records。应该在强调一下好处的。
后面两段的确单薄了，论证不强。批评的是。
还是要感谢两位。权当不成功的例子给所有的g友一个反面教材。
还望所有的g友们支持。