issue77 痛改前非之作，希望大家给点意见！[;)]

coolblazeverestUID: 189260

上次被pooh批改过，感触不少，这次从新拿出来让大家砸！！希望各位赐教！！

Issue77 People today are too individualistic. Instead of pursuing self-centered, separate goals, people need to understand that satisfaction comes from working for the greater good of the family, the community, or society as a whole.

Key word: individualist
这是俺从M-W上查到的关于individualist的解释
1 : one that pursues a markedly independent course in thought or action
追求在思想和行为上彻底独立的人。
2 : one that advocates or practices
支持者，实践者

思路：同意作者观点
Body1：承认并论述People today are too individualistic.指出其弊病。
Body2：论述people should be collectivistic
Body3：让步

------正文------
Is there too much emphasis on the issue of individualism in our modern society? And does it benefit for the development of our society? From the pictures that there are increasing people who only pursue self-centered, separate goals and suffer the career utilitarianism and psychological imbalance, we can deduce that real satisfaction comes from working for a large group of persons, and serving for the collectivity.

People on the increase pay much attention to attain the interest for himself or herself due to the over emphasis on individualism. When we can understand the words from the adults, we are always instructed to be self-centered, to be individualistic. Our parents or the teachers who guide us that we must be individualistic have only one goal: let us be independent. However, the results of this too much emphasis on the creed do not meet the parents and teachers’ anticipation. There are more and more people only care about their own profits and neglect others' feelings. From children to senior persons, are all encouraged that they can do anything if they desire and satisfy. Therefore they lack the ability to take one thing with another when they are up against a complex situation which is related with others’ interests, in other words, they are inconsiderate. Nevertheless, in this era of customer oriented market and rapid social change, no matter in the international trade business or in a supermarket organizing, a person who can master the overall situation and can consider other persons’ requirements is needed. It is difficult for an executive who lacks consideration can successfully negotiate an exchange with the other side; and it is hard for a person who is only self-regard to manage customers’ demand well

The contradictory idea towards individualism is collectivism which accentuate that the interest of individuals is under the benefits of collectivity. If all people are willing to make contribution to the family, the community or the whole society, the development of our society will speed up, and the crimes and juvenile delinquencies would be reduced dramatically. Meanwhile, one who wants to donate and help others will receive others' respects. We do not have to look very far to see the validity from the famous scientist: Albert Einstein who is not only an outstanding scientist, but also a person full of humanism. His ardent humanism led him to strive for peace, freedom and social justice, and when he achieved great accomplishment, he helped Jews found the Hebrew University of Jerusalem and handed down his bequest of his literary estate and personal papers to the Hebrew University in his Last Will and Testament. Because all the contributions he made to our human being, he deserves the great honors which are endowed to him. The other vivid example is Martin Luther King, who contributed all his life to build up a just society and also received honorable laurel from the world people. Only when a person is willing to share joy and achievement with others and help others, he or she will realize that the real satisfaction comes from working for the greater good of the family, the community, and the whole society.

Admittedly, individualism indeed has its function to serve for the development of individuals' personalities and the independent spirit. However, we should make clear that collectivism does not mean inhibition of diverse characters of individuals. Collectivism is based upon the merits that every individual should cooperate and communicate with other members, and should contribute to the progress of the entity. To be collectivistic not only will benefit oneself, but also will help others. Therefore, that we accentuate the spirit of being more collectivism aims at establishing a more harmonious and more humanism society which may do good to all of us.

To sum up, if all people are willing to help others, cooperate with others and serve for a larger community, not only every individual will gain satisfaction from working for collectivity, but also our whole human being and the society will benefit from it.

coolblazeverestUID: 189260

http://211.151.90.54/bbs/showthread.php?s=&threadid=240371
这是上次的链接，希望对大家也有帮助！

panda2727UID: 138271

谢谢你上次对我文章的评改。

文章总体感觉比较流畅，思路清楚。

你的BODY2应该是你的重点。即是people should be collectivistic。在你这段中，你叙述了人们如果这样做会有什么好处，然后举了EINSTEIN 和 LUTHER KING的例子。但是我认为你这样写并没有充分支持你的观点。看文章的人难免会问这样做了为什么有这样的好处？即是进一步的挖掘它们之间的逻辑关系。我认为这样才能使人信服，文章论证才更有力。

这是我昨天写的文章链接[url]https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=240977[/URL]

coolblazeverestUID: 189260

谢谢楼上巴乔兄的建议，的确body2的论证显得很淡薄，我看是不是可以这样解释：
一旦人们乐意于collectivism，大家的目标就会统一，人们的工作就不盲目，就会更多的利用有限的自然资源和人力资源，这样既可以实现个人价值，又可实现社会价值。

不过可能要做个大手术，例子也不具代表性了:(

总之先谢谢你的建议！

snowmanUID: 189980

考试即到，不能做详细标注，见谅。只谈一下大体感觉吧：
body1有点儿游离，有点儿散；
body2总结比较好，但本人认为马丁的例子好象不是很典型；
让步有点儿多余。
如是本人对文章理解不够而出现误评，请海涵！

zhangsx_1982UID: 176926

正头疼，提的可能不好，第二段，举的例子中independent 和 inconsiderate之间还是没觉的有什么关系啊。

pdyhcUID: 177332

Is there too much emphasis on the issue of individualism in our modern society? And does it benefit for the development of our society? From the pictures[observation] that there are increasing people who only pursue self-centered, separate goals and suffer the career utilitarianism and psychological imbalance, we can deduce[conclude会不会好些。体会一下，deduce和conclude是相反的方向哦。一个是归纳，一个是演绎。从具体东西，你的是pictures，到结论，是归纳才对。总觉得deduce 别扭] that real satisfaction comes from working for a large group of persons, and serving for the collectivity.[这里不妨直接借用issue里的原话satisfaction comes from working for the greater good of the family, the community, or society as a whole. 扣题紧些。有时需要改写，有时不改写效果更好。你感觉呢？]

People on the increase pay much attention to attain the interest for himself or herself [前用people,这里直接theirselves 岂不是更顺畅。on the increase怪怪的]due to the over emphasis on individualism[逻辑有问题。pay much attention  ， over emphasis on individualism两个都是事实，摆到一起，没有意义。最好说over emphasis on individualism and personal interests may do harm to people. 说害处才是目的，而关注个人兴趣和过分强调个人主义都不是我们论述的目的啊。我们向论述的是两者的坏处]. When we can understand the words from the adults, we are always instructed to be self-centered, to be individualistic. Our parents or the teachers who guide us that we must be individualistic have only one goal: let us be independent. However, the results of this too much emphasis on the creed do not meet the parents and teachers’ anticipation. [前面总体说“人们”，这里把人们分成成人和小孩两个部分来对比，逻辑上自相矛盾哦]There are more and more people only care about their own profits and neglect others' feelings. From children to senior persons[用rather句型会紧凑些。More and more people  care rather about their own profits than others' feelings], are all encouraged that they can do anything if they desire and satisfy[???].
……………………

coolblazeverestUID: 189260

谢谢snowman，zhangsx_1982 和pdyhc的热情修改和建议！你们的意见我一定参考！

对pdyhc的修改我有些异议，望讨论：

最初由 pdyhc 发布
[B]这里不妨直接借用issue里的原话satisfaction comes from working for the greater good of the family, the community, or society as a whole. 扣题紧些。有时需要改写，有时不改写效果更好。你感觉呢？
[/B]

对于这个问题我不敢苟同，因为总结前人经验，对原文的restate的做法是不推荐的，而应当本着引出问题，提出自己的观点的做法。而在我body当中多次出现的关键词collectivism，偶以为非常有必要在首段提出来的。

最初由 pdyhc 发布
[B]前用people,这里直接theirselves 岂不是更顺畅。
[/B]

对于这个问题，如果我们强调的是每个个体，尤其是在强调individulism时，我认为有必要用himself&herself，而themselves偶以为会引起歧义。

最初由 pdyhc 发布
[B]前面总体说“人们”，这里把人们分成成人和小孩两个部分来对比，逻辑上自相矛盾哦
[/B]

我认为这其中并不存在逻辑问题吧，因为我们每个个体都是从小到大成长起来的，因此我们从小接受的教育就过分强调individulism，势必会对我们的后天行为产生影响，并且拙作中并没有对大人和小孩对比啊？

最后一点，对别人文章的修改是一种值得肯定的行为，但文章只修改一半的态度，我不敢苟同，因为，你很可能没有完全把握作者的意思，而断章取义；同时，就算习作实在有条理不通，晦涩难懂的地方，也该本着治病救人的方针对症下药，而半途而废也是对作者劳动的一种不尊重。

个人卓见，不吐不快。
总之，先谢谢各位的砖头，并希望大家通过努力都能取得理想的成绩！ :D

ZHGsunnyUID: 185312

有进步，不过还是有些问题：
是不是把正文第一段和第二段换一换位置比较好？合作的好处，个人为中心的危害，然后是让步跟人为中心的作用。正文第二段的例子不是很好，再找找？ 快考试了吧？ 要注意身体哦！

blur13_0UID: 150275

先下了，今天太晚了，我尽快学习学习，然后再把砖头仍上来 ;)

panda2727UID: 138271

对于原文的restate的问题，我也想说两句。我认为没有必要说一定就不能引原文，或者就引原文。引原文的目的是为了说理， 那么既然能够说清楚，不管是否是原文又有什么不好呢？不过我个人只是在时间比较紧张的情况下才引原文（没有时间自己归纳），平常很少这样做。因为原文总是别人的表述，和我自己的方法不太一样，写起来觉得别扭。

coolblazeverestUID: 189260

to sunny:
谢谢你的建议，我想了想，应当把body1减肥，把其中肯定individualism的部分转入body3的让步当中去，再有就是重新构思几个典型例子，:D，最近偶已经开始做例子个性化的工作了，建议你也试一试，不过，我觉得你的例证一直都很不错的，羡慕！

还有，鉴于自己的习作实在是。。。水得很，又和期末冲突，所以，偶把考试推迟了，比你要晚一周了，先预祝你成功！;)

to baggio：对于restate的问题，我同意老兄的意见，因人而异，因情况而异，并且这与自己掌控语言变化的能力有关。我倒是喜欢用自己的语言表述，唉，就是有时会弄巧成拙，没有反应出原文本意，希望小弟犯错时，能踊跃排砖！