issue93 1+1典型题---我来啦！！大家快点砸

haiyaUID: 187989

[B]ISSUE93.The concept of 'individual responsibility' is a necessary fiction. Although societies must hold individuals accountable for their own actions, people's behavior is largely determined by forces not of their own making.[/B]

----syllabus----

position:fundamentally agree the first statement but partially disagree the second statement.
1.        the necessity to invent the fiction concept “individual responsibility”(IR). The peace and development (PD) of society.
a)        peace: increasing population density--àconflict and collision-àcrime
b)        development: tax-àconstruct public works and be lauched into commonweal(like the “Project of Hope” in China)
2.        people’s behavior is not largely determined by forces not of their making but reflects their own minds.They should be accountable for their own actions.
a)        Admittedly, the external elements influence and restrict individual’s behavior.
b)        However,Aristotle:” A man is the origin of his action”; Simply put, phenomenon in our daily life.
3.        a misleading. Emphasize largely on external elements---
a)        connotation to shirk the responsibility. à stifle PD
4.   summary
a)External measurement ( law and management) are approaches to help construct+maintain the concept “personal responsibility”
b)PD lies on the personal responsibility consciously. Construct platform of common realization of ethic and moral rule.

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In the era of rapid development of science an technology in material  world, it is more and more necessary to emphasize the concept of " individual responsibility." On the basis of uniform moral and ethic criteria, the concept serves to benefit the society. Nevertheless, does the external forces really determine individuals' actions? I hold the opposite opinion at some extend.

Primarily, the peace and development of society lies in the fiction concept "individual responsibility". With the eruption of population density, more and more people live in this small earth. Inevitably, the conflicts and collisions rise and as a result, they give way to more and more possibility of crime and misdeed. Without this restriction of conception, our society would be lost in a lawless and orderless chaos. In addition, the "individual responsibility" not contribute only to the peace and stability of society but boosts the development of society. Take the tax as an example. The wealth of citizen depends on the nation construction on some extend. Thus, to positive ratepaying is accountable for each citizen. The accumulation of tax could be launched into public works, even into commonweal such as "the Project of Hope" in China, which realizes the dreams of study of poor kids.

However, people's behavior is not largely determined by the external force but by their own minds. Admittedly, many persons do have to do things which betrays their minds due to the harsh circumstance. While as Aristotle, the famous philosopher in the ancient Greek, once said," A man is the origin of his action." It illustrate that  one's mind dictate one’s action while external elements don't determine but just influence and restrict individual's behavior. Simply put, in our daily life, we drink because of thirst, eat because of hungry, smile because of happiness, cry because of sorrow. It is the nature that we need action to express our minds and satisfy our need. These are all attribute to the animal nature in ourselves. Hence, we should be responsibility for our own actions.

Last but not least, putting more emphasis on the second statement will arouse the misleading about the "personal responsibility" and make the society overwhelmed in the confusion. The statement encourage citizens to shirk their own responsibility and criminal to escape the punishment as a excuse. Imagining more and more criminal still live in the society as the common, it is a nightmare that the mass feels lacking a feeling of security. And eventually the development of the society would be inhibited even collapse.

In my opinion, the external measurement such as law and management is certainly effective approaches to help invent and maintain the concept of " personal responsibility". The thriving of the whole society need the platform of stability. This platform is on the basis that each of the citizens realizes, obeys and fulfils his/her own responsibility consciously. Thus, his/her mind is consensus with the mental and material requirement of society. It is the critical point that our society need to get through in order to reach a ideal world.

---others1.写了37分钟。。。第一稿只有440字，而且也没注意到自己用了多少时间，只是记下了当时几点，刚刚算了一下，才发现浪费光阴了。因为有点难产，所以就收笔了。下次一定要坚持到最后。原来担心自己打字速度慢，看来还是可能在45分钟内完成的。不过我习惯了先把提纲立清楚了再开始写，所以也可能是比我预料的写的快的原因。
2.因为自己对内容实在不满意，花了80分钟改。包括其中死机一回（开了太多东西搜啊搜的）。字数最终勉强上500。
3.发现自己的哲学知识太少了。一个行为本原知道是知道的，但是觉得找例子说明就有点困难。先前一个有点怪怪的，更强调了行为的主动性，被我改了现在这个吃喝**的。自己感觉切题还可以。想听听大家意见。
4.每句句子的控制和逻辑一致上自己修改是也注意了。对吧？
5.为什么我写的东西老联系到社会稳定上呀！？自己都觉得奇怪，ft。这几天好象老是在打这几个单词。。。。。不知道是好是坏

大家扔砖喔！！我来啦！！kaka
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LSDUID: 157855

ISSUE93.The concept of 'individual responsibility' is a necessary fiction. Although societies must hold individuals accountable for their own actions, forces not of their own making largely determine people’s behavior.

In the era of rapid development of science an（and） technology in material world, it is more and more necessary to emphasize the concept of " individual responsibility." On the basis of uniform moral and ethic criteria, the concept serves to benefit the society. Nevertheless, does the external forces really determine individuals' actions? I hold the opposite opinion at some extend.

Primarily, the peace and development of society lies in the fiction concept "individual responsibility". With the eruption of population density, more and more people live in this small earth. Inevitably, the conflicts and collisions rise and as a result, they give way to more and more possibility of crime and misdeed. Without this restriction of conception, our society would be lost in a lawless and orderless chaos. In addition, the "individual responsibility" not contribute only to the peace and stability of society but boosts the development of society. Take the tax as an example. The wealth of citizen depends on the nation construction on some extend. Thus, to positive rate paying is accountable for each citizen. The accumulation of tax could be launched into public works, even into commonweal such as "the Project of Hope" in China, which realizes the dreams of study of poor kids.(看到这儿总感觉还缺点什么，建议楼主在这之后再写几句呼应the peace and development of society lies in the fiction concept "individual responsibility"的话。)

However,（为什么用这个词？这段没有和上面的意思对立阿） people's behavior is not largely determined by the external force but by their own minds. Admittedly, many persons do have to do things which betrays their minds due to the harsh circumstance. While as Aristotle, the famous philosopher in the ancient Greek, once said," A man is the origin of his action." It illustrate that one's mind dictate one’s action while external elements don't determine but just influence and restrict individual's behavior. Simply put, in our daily life, we drink because of thirst, eat because of hungry, smile because of happiness, cry because of sorrow. It is the nature that we need action to express our minds and satisfy our need. These are all attribute to the animal nature in ourselves. Hence, we should be responsibility for our own actions.（这里hence引出的似乎不是很有说服力，建议楼主将上面的几个排比句换成更支持的例子）

Last but not least, putting more emphasis on the second statement（最好指明是什么，否则有指代不明之嫌） will arouse the misleading about the "personal responsibility" and make the society overwhelmed in the confusion. The statement encourage citizens to shirk their own responsibility and criminal to escape the punishment as a excuse. Imagining more and more criminal still live in the society as the common, it is a nightmare that the mass feels lacking a feeling of security. And eventually the development of the society would be inhibited even collapse.

In my opinion, the external measurement such as law and management is certainly effective approaches to help invent and maintain the concept of " personal responsibility". The thriving of the whole society need the platform of stability. This platform is on the basis that each of the citizens realizes, obeys and fulfils his/her own responsibility consciously. Thus, his/her mind is consensus with the mental and material requirement of society. It is the critical point that our society need to get through in order to reach a ideal world.

haiyaUID: 187989

谢谢mm：）。

haiyaUID: 187989

b2最后我觉得是我推论过急。
改为
Since our actions can represent for our minds at some extent, we should take the "personal responsibility".
这样会不会好一点呢？

pherUID: 192036

In the era of rapid development of science an technology in material world, it is more and more necessary to emphasize the concept of " individual responsibility." On the basis of uniform moral and ethic criteria, the concept serves to benefit the society. does the external forces really determine individuals' actions? I hold the opposite opinion at some extend. 开题不错，简洁扼要

Primarily, the peace and development of society lies in the fiction concept "individual responsibility". With the eruption of population density, more and more people live in this small earth. Inevitably, the conflicts and collisions rise and as a result, they give way to more and more possibility of crime and misdeed. Without this restriction of conception, our society would be lost in a lawless and orderless chaos. In addition, the "individual responsibility" [U]not[/U]  contribute notonly to the peace and stability of society but boosts the development of society. Take the tax as an example. The wealth of citizen depends on the nation construction on some extend. Thus, to positive ratepaying is accountable for each citizen. The accumulation of tax could be launched into public works, even into commonweal such as "the Project of Hope" in China, which realizes the dreams of study of poor kids.这段你的意思是要陈述IR的重要性吗？那和下面的howerer不构成转折关系丫。

很快引入自己在第二个statement上的position，赞！However, people's behavior is not largely determined by the external force but by their own minds. Admittedly, many persons do have to do things which betrays their minds due to the harsh circumstance. While as Aristotle, the famous philosopher in the ancient Greek, once said," A man is the origin of his action." It illustrate that one's mind dictate one’s action while external elements don't determine but just influence and restrict individual's behavior. Simply put, in our daily life, we drink because of thirst, eat because of hungry, smile because of happiness, cry because of sorrow. It is the nature that we need action to express our minds and satisfy our need. These are all attribute to the animal nature in ourselves. Hence, we should be responsibility for our own actions.这里的逻辑关系不明确，按照你后来说的那样，也还是有点问题，我觉得不如这样：“hence most of our behaviors are determined by our own mind instead of external forces”不过我还是觉得这里可以扩展的，因为举的这些sample只是一些很natural的behaviors，可以加上一些复杂的behavior，因为即使法律规范我们的行为，也是因为我们的mind需要法律先，我们的mind告诉我们需要一个法律来让自己受约束。是法律这样一个客观的事物在我们的大脑中反映出一种意识，这种意识使我们behavior

Last but not least, putting more emphasis on the second statement will arouse the misleading about the "personal responsibility" and make the society overwhelmed in the confusion. The statement encourage citizens to shirk their own responsibility and criminal to escape the punishment as a excuse. Imagining more and more criminal still live in the society as the common, it is a nightmare that the mass feels lacking a feeling of security. And eventually the development of the society would be inhibited even collapse.
我还有种思路，就是先讲第二个statement的害处，做出种种假设，个人因此而逃避责任，社会因此而风气日下。然后啪一下再引出你的position，来说明第二个statement的错，说原本behavior就是由我们主观决定的，我们应该对自己的行为负责。这样同样有说服力

In my opinion, the external measurement such as law and management is certainly effective approaches to help invent and maintain the concept of " personal responsibility". The thriving of the whole society need the platform of stability. This platform is on the basis that each of the citizens realizes, obeys and fulfils his/her own responsibility consciously. Thus, his/her mind is consensus with the mental and material requirement of society. It is the critical point that our society need to get through in order to reach an ideal world.

整篇文章写得很不错，再提一两点建议：如果是我，让我来陈述IR的必要性，我会从正反两方面出发，正面：第一，IR对个人的重要性，帮助个人发展，培养品质，促成成功；第二，IR对他人和社会的重要性，使得社会稳定和发展。反面，讲IR的丧失，个人和社会都会被harm，关键是丧失credit，西方人很看重credit的。然后就再重申一下自己的position
再然后，下一段，讲目前还有些opinion，认为第二个statement，然后推翻这个statement，引出第三段自己的position。over :p
不过感觉我这样想，有点像argue了。。。 :confused:

haiyaUID: 187989

谢谢我可爱的猪猪的评价
果然讨论出真知，启发啊启发。

btw，我也觉得我的b2中的例子有点自然，但当时实在想不出什么例子来。爸爸给我的例子被我直接否定掉。

nightsky2004UID: 155946

我也看过了，我的观点和pher的基本一致，因为我和你的观点不一样，所以如果认真的批改的话可能处处都是驳论了，给别人的感觉不太好，所以没有贴上全文批改稿。
总的来说搂主的语言还是可以的（比起区区在下强），就例子服务于主题而言，搂主也是成功的。