issue56 长远利益与眼前利益的关系。自己觉得写得不错，大家来砸醒我。

panda2727UID: 138271

56. "Governments should focus more on solving the immediate problems of today rather than trying to solve the anticipated problems of the future."

What the people are always pursuing is the prospers of human society, no matter at present or in the future. Both the immediate problems of today and the anticipated problems of the future have effect on people's well-being. We must call for balance between solving the immediate problems of today and the anticipated problems of the future.

Government is an organization that is elected by the populace to manage society. It is its responsibility to ensure the all-time development of society. Unfortunately, the social resources are so limited that they cannot solve all problems either in today or the anticipated ones of the future. The limited resources must be distributed by wise decisions.

Solving the immediate problems of today is the important events of current society. The immediate problems influence the steady atmosphere of society, which is necessary for society to develop further. For example, when the unemployment rate, which is one of the immediate problems of today, is so high that many citizens have nothing to do, the crimes would increase dramatically. In that case, the normal orders of society cannot be guaranteed, and people would live in great panic. The further development of society would be only a dream.

Whether society can solve some immediate problems of today even decides whether the current society can exist or not. The terrorism all over the world significantly harms existence of the current society. They have tried all horrible methods to endanger people's lives. Such as human-body bombs, hijack airplanes to crash tall buildings, etc. Their purposes are to overthrow the current world and to rebuild a new one, controlled by their disciplines. There would be a day the current society dying out, if terrorism cannot be cleaned away.

Without solving the immediate problems of today, there would be suitable atmosphere for social development. When the crimes are increasing day by day, when terrorists are endangering our daily life, when races conflicts are becoming more serious, the consequence of our society can only be dead, not others.

On the other hand, overly focus on solving immediate problems of today and overlooking the anticipated problems of the future will harm people's long-term benefits. Even if governments try their best to solve all of the immediate problems of today, and assure the steady condition currently, the steady condition in the future could not be assured. Because of the short of energy, people always exploit today's resources, such as oil, coal, etc. But who can image the future of energy? Definitely the resources will die out at some time in future. If today's people would not exploit completely new energy as soon as possible to replace the current ones, the harmony of society would be destroyed in the conflicts of contesting energy.

In addition, even if governments use all abilities to guarantee the existence of current society, society would disappear in the future. Today's people have asked from the nature much more than before, which causes so many serious environment problems: the greenhouse effect, the hole in ozonosphere, the increasing desert. When today's people consume all of the resources, some of which belong to the future people, society will disappear due to no suitable world to live. It is the time for today's people to fix up their mistakes on environment. Even it may take much time to recover the faces of the nature, it indeed is helpful. Otherwise, it would be too late to do. It just like the hole on clothes. If we do not fix up the small hole at present, the small hole would become so big that we cannot wear it any more.

To guarantee the prospers of human society all the time, governments must call for balance between solving the immediate problems of today and the anticipated ones in future. Both of them are so important for our society that if only focus on one aspect, the development of society will be blocked.

comywenUID: 172022

What the people are always pursuing is the prospers of human society, no matter at present or in the future. Both the immediate problems of today and the anticipated problems of the future have effect on people's well-being. We must call for balance between solving the immediate problems of today and the anticipated problems of the future.（感觉这里用词重复了，不如改为we must call for balance between solving the problems both for today’s and future’s.）

Government is an organization that is elected by the populace to manage society. It is its responsibility to ensure the all-time development of society. Unfortunately, the social resources are so limited that they cannot solve all problems either in today or the anticipated ones of the future. The limited resources must be distributed by wise decisions. (把wise decisions 改为副词 efficiently and wisely 如何？)

Solving the immediate problems of today is the important events (改为essential focuses 好些吗？events 多用于活动、事件)of current society. The immediate problems influence the steady atmosphere of society, which is necessary for society to develop further. For example, when the unemployment rate, which is one of the immediate problems of today, is so high that many citizens have nothing to do, the crimes would increase dramatically. In that case, the normal orders of society cannot be guaranteed, and people would live in great panic. The further development of society would be only a dream. （感觉说理不错，衔接出了下面的further development）

Whether society can solve some immediate problems of today even decides （觉得decide这个词很主观，但是用effect 似乎又没有说法力）whether the current society can exist or not. The terrorism all over the world significantly harms existence of the current society. They have tried all horrible methods to endanger people's lives. Such as human-body bombs, hijack airplanes to crash tall buildings, etc. Their purposes are to overthrow the current world and to rebuild a new one, controlled by their disciplines （which will be controlled under their disciplines）. (+It is not difficult to imagine) There would be a day the current society dying out, if terrorism cannot be cleaned away.

Without solving the immediate problems of today, there would （+not， 笔误吧？） be （a ）suitable atmosphere for （the） social development. When the crimes are increasing day by day, when terrorists are endangering our daily life, when races conflicts are becoming more serious, the consequence of our society can only be dead, not others.

On the other hand, overly focus on solving immediate problems of today and overlooking the anticipated problems of the future will harm people's long-term benefits. Even if governments try their best to solve all of the immediate problems of today(不错的转折和说理), and assure the steady condition currently, the steady condition in the future could not be assured.（改为and to assure the current condition steadily doesn’t equal to assure the steady condition for the future这样的说法是否更符合逻辑）Because of the short of energy, people always exploit today's resources, such as oil, coal, etc. But who can image the future of energy? Definitely the resources will die out at some time in future. If today's people would not exploit completely new energy as soon as possible to replace the current ones, the harmony of society would be destroyed in the conflicts of contesting energy.

In addition, even if governments use all abilities （ues all abilities改为devote themselves会不会舒服一点？） to guarantee the existence of current society, society would disappear in the future. Today's people have asked from the nature much more than before, which causes so many serious environment problems: the greenhouse effect, the hole in ozonosphere, the increasing desert. When today's people consume all of the resources, some of which belong to the future people, society will disappear due to no suitable world to live. It is the time for today's people to fix up their mistakes on environment. Even it may take much time to recover the faces of the nature, it indeed is helpful. Otherwise, it would be too late to do. It just like the hole on clothes(Just like the hole on clothes,) If we do not fix up the small hole at present, the small hole would become so big that we cannot wear it any more.

To guarantee the prospers of human society all the time, governments must call for balance between solving the immediate problems of today and the anticipated ones in future. Both of them are so important for our society that if (+we) only focus on one aspect, the development of society will be blocked.

comywenUID: 172022

我第一次帮别人改作文，希望不要误导你才好。我issue才写过一篇，也贴上来了，还没有人帮忙改，平常工作太忙了，好羡慕学生，可以自由支配自己的时间。

青蛙过河UID: 153167

56. "Governments should focus more on solving the immediate problems of today rather than trying to solve the anticipated problems of the future."

What the people are always pursuing is the prospers[应该是用名词吧] of human society, no matter at present or in the future. Both the immediate problems of today and the anticipated problems of the future have effect on people's well-being. We must call for balance between solving the immediate problems of today and the anticipated problems of the future.

Government is an organization that is elected by the populace to manage society. It is its responsibility to ensure the all-time development of society. Unfortunately, the social resources are so limited that they cannot solve all problems either in today or the anticipated ones of the future. 【感觉逻辑有些乱的说，应该是can't solve all problems both in today or the anticipated ones of the future at the same time吧。】The limited resources must be distributed by wise decisions.【使用了太多的被动语态，看起来不是很连贯，改成主动好一些government should.......】

Solving the immediate problems of today is the important events of current society. The immediate problems influence the steady atmosphere of society, which is necessary for society to develop further. For example, when the unemployment rate, which is one of the immediate problems of today, is so high that many citizens have nothing to do, the crimes would increase dramatically. In that case, the normal orders of society cannot be guaranteed, and people would live in great panic. The further development of society would be only a dream.[展开不太充分，最好这里再总结下]

Whether society can solve some immediate problems of today even decides whether the current society can exist or not. 【最好再展开一点，而且这一段和上一段是什么关系，我看不出来】The terrorism all over the world significantly harms existence of the current society. They have tried all horrible methods to endanger people's lives. Such as human-body bombs, hijack airplanes to crash tall buildings, etc. Their purposes are to overthrow the current world and to rebuild a new one, controlled by their disciplines. There would be a day the current society dying out, if terrorism cannot be cleaned away.

Without solving the immediate problems of today, there would be suitable atmosphere for social development. When the crimes are increasing day by day, when terrorists are endangering our daily life, when races conflicts are becoming more serious, the consequence of our society can only be dead, not others.

On the other hand, overly focus on solving immediate problems of today and overlooking the anticipated problems of the future will harm people's long-term benefits. Even if governments try their best to solve all of the immediate problems of today, and assure the steady condition currently, the steady condition in the future could not be assured. Because of the short of energy, people always exploit today's resources, such as oil, coal, etc. But who can image the future of energy? Definitely the resources will die out at some time in future. If today's people would not exploit completely new energy as soon as possible to replace the current ones, the harmony of society would be destroyed in the conflicts of contesting energy.

In addition, even if governments use all abilities to guarantee the existence of current society, society would disappear in the future. Today's people have asked from the nature much more than before, which causes so many serious environment problems: the greenhouse effect, the hole in ozonosphere, the increasing desert. When today's people consume all of the resources, some of which belong to the future people, society will disappear due to no suitable world to live. It is the time for today's people to fix up their mistakes on environment.【动员性质的语言最好不要出现】 Even it may take much time to recover the faces of the nature, it indeed is helpful. Otherwise, it would be too late to do. It just like the hole on clothes. If we do not fix up the small hole at present, the small hole would become so big that we cannot wear it any more.【论据明显不是在支持论点，例子一直在说我们应该抓长远大计，不抓就没机会等等。可是这样就能说明这段开头分论点说的吗？】

To guarantee the prospers of human society all the time, governments must call for balance between solving the immediate problems of today and the anticipated ones in future. Both of them are so important for our society that if only focus on one aspect, the development of society will be blocked.

主要有几个问题：
1。文章第二段明显多余，你明显把关键词定义在imediate 和future上，这个时候再谈政府的定义和职责显得文不关体。后面两居道是有些意义，可以加到开头或者结尾中增强说理。看的出来，楼主是要用打外围的方法，不过在没有魅饭丶?实那榭鱿拢?庋?髦皇腔?咛碜恪?
2。几个分论点找的不是很恰当，我大致理解是这样的。楼主想从两个方面论述，从而得出要call a balance.可是分论点一说的是解决当前问题很重要，二是解决当前问题关系人类存亡，你觉得这两个有本质区别吗？
3。论据对论点的支持不是很充分，文中已经提到过了。
可以看出楼主是在可以的模仿范文专才和通才的结构，但是自己整个文章的思路并不是很清晰，其实imong提过这个类型的文章怎么写，你可以看看追星剑1.5（给老大广告一把），整篇文章的出发点并没有找好，所以显得行文方面有些紊乱。至于语言方面，我自己也问题多多，不好枉加评论。个人意见，希望对你有所帮助。

panda2727UID: 138271

to comywen:
谢谢你的细致评改。
我最近也是在实验室忙的一塌糊涂，把手上的任务完成以后都很晚了。实在没有力气改别人的作文了。哎。

把wise decisions 改为副词 efficiently and wisely 如何？)
的确，是很好。

改为essential focuses 好些吗？events 多用于活动、事件
是很好，谢谢在用词上的提醒。

感觉说理不错，衔接出了下面的further development）
谢谢。：）

总得来说，十分感谢你对我语言同词和句子问题的改正。谢谢。

你可以在你的帖子中给上你文章的链接啊。

panda2727UID: 138271

十分感谢你的批改。

回复：
1我认为第二段并不多余。是为了说明为什么是政府要去怎么样怎么样，而不是其他组织或者个人。
2我的真实论点一个是会影响社会稳定；另一个是影响社会存亡。有程度上的递进。当然有区别。
3谢谢你的提醒，我去看看那个帖子。

lujing819UID: 178978

What the (是否应没有the) people are always pursuing is the prospers of human society, no matter at present or in the future. Both the immediate problems of today and the anticipated problems of the future have effect on people's well-being. We must call for balance between solving the immediate problems of today and the anticipated problems of the future.

Government is an organization that is elected by the populace to manage society. It is its responsibility to ensure the all-time development of society. Unfortunately, the social resources are so limited that they cannot solve all problems either in today or the anticipated ones of the future. The limited resources must be distributed by wise decisions.

Solving the immediate problems of today is the important events (我也觉得改为essential focuses 好些)of current society. The immediate problems influence the steady atmosphere of society, which is necessary for society to develop further. For example, when the unemployment rate, which is one of the immediate problems of today, is so high that many citizens have nothing to do, the crimes would increase dramatically. In that case, the normal orders of society cannot be guaranteed, and people would live in great panic. The further development of society would be only a dream.

Whether society can solve some immediate problems of today even decides whether the current society can exist or not. The terrorism all over the world significantly harms existence of the current society. They have tried all horrible methods to endanger people's lives. Such as human-body bombs, hijack airplanes to crash tall buildings, etc. (Fragment sentence,应为:,such as human-body bombs, hijacking airplanes to crash tall buildings, etc. ) Their purposes are to overthrow the current world and to rebuild a new one, controlled by their disciplines .(+It is not undoubtedly) There would be a day the current society dying out, if terrorism cannot be cleaned away.

Without solving the immediate problems of today, there would （对,应该+not） be （a ）suitable atmosphere for （the） social development. When the crimes are increasing day by day, when terrorists are endangering our daily life, when races conflicts are becoming more serious, the consequence of our society can only be dead, not others.

On the other hand, overly focus on solving immediate problems of today and overlooking the anticipated problems of the future will harm people's long-term benefits. Even if governments try their best to solve all of the immediate problems of today, (取消逗号读起来顺一些)and assure the steady condition currently, the steady condition in the future could not be assured. Because of the short (shortage) of energy, people always exploit today's resources, such as oil, coal, etc. But who can image the future of energy? Definitely the resources will die out at some time in future. If today's people would (象是一种虚拟语气,是否应用should?) not exploit completely new energy as soon as possible to replace the current ones, the harmony of society would be destroyed in the conflicts of contesting energy.

In addition, even if governments use all abilities （或 try their hardest） to guarantee the existence of current society, society would disappear in the future. Today's people have asked from the nature much more than before, which causes so many serious environment problems: the greenhouse effect, the hole in ozonosphere, the increasing desert. When today's people consume all of the resources, some of which belong to the future people, society will disappear due to no suitable world to live. It is the time for today's people to fix up their mistakes on environment. Even it may take much time to recover the faces of the nature, it indeed is helpful. Otherwise, it would be too late to do. It just like the hole on clothes(Just like the hole on clothes, if ) If we do not fix up the small hole at present, the small hole ( it ) would become so big that we cannot wear it (the clothes) any more.

To guarantee the prospers of human society all the time, governments must call for balance between solving the immediate problems of today and the anticipated ones in future. Both of them are so important for our society that if (对,应+we) only focus on one aspect, the development of society will be blocked.

lujing819UID: 178978

GRE作文对我来说实在太深懊了。我的能力离GRE太遥远，但就文法稍提出一点建议。改正不正确的地方请原谅。
我也有一篇作文，但是关于LPI（Language Proficiency Index）考试的，似乎比 GRE要简单些，不过对我来说挺难。而我的作文就更简单了，但我希望能得到大家的帮助。
Topic: When you look back over your school years, which was the most enjoyable year for you?

Being a student from entering elementary school to graduating from the university, I find the most enjoyable year to me is the first year when I went to the university. It was the first time I left my home and made decisions by myself. It provided me a chance to meet so many new freinds and visit new places. I also took part in many interesting and exciting activities that I had never seen before. The experience was so impressive that I wish I could go to university again.

When I went to the university, it was the first time in my life to leave my family and live alone. I had to take care of myself and make decisions on my own. Instead of any worry and fearness, however, I was very happy that I got free because I could do anything I wanted without my parents' permission. Even though I knew that my parents were kind of great patience and they always sacrificed themselves for the betterment of their children, I was still eager for some kind of freedom in my life. It was really enjoyable to breathe the fresh and free air.

The first year at the university also brought me a chance to make friends from different part of the country and visit new places. My friends were from different backgrounds and had different life styles. It was a good opportunity to share different cultures and customs together. We also went trips together during vacations to visit many new places anround the university which provided me access to know more about our country and broaden my horizen.

But the most important thing was I took part in variety of activities which increased  my knowledge during the first year. Swimming, table tennis, penmanship and poem were so exciting to me to be one of the active members. I always believe that participating these activities help cultivate cooperation, self-confidence and optimism in one's life. I surelly was benefited from those interesting and valuable activities.

The first year of university studying was so fresh to me that I felt energetic everyday. Through the first year, I had learned a lot about myself, about people I met and about our country.

青蛙过河UID: 153167

先跟panda说声对不起，可能我改作文的口吻太冲了，你别介意，我是一新手，只是希望跟你交流下想法，伤了和气就不好了，呵呵。
关于我的看法，我想也许是我说的还不够明白。那俺就再说说，首先还从第二段讲起，既然本文的观点是We must call for balance between solving the immediate problems of today and the anticipated problems of the future.也就是说明了本文的切入点是要在immediate problems和anticiipated problems之间寻求一个平衡，那么展开的角度应该从这两个方面分别入手从而证明为什么需要两手都要抓。当然我觉得panda的想法还是很好的，从政府的角度出发先打个外围。可是这里就出现两个问题，1.政府的角度你在先前的论点中没有提及，作者的论点只是we must.......，谁能说we就代表了政府呢？所以突然出现政府的职责怎么样的让人感到突兀。当然，这只是个小问题，只要稍加修改即可，只是想提醒下行文的严谨。2.既然谈到了政府是由广大人民选出来的，职责在于维护社会的长期发展，那么展开论点的时候就应改从这两个方面展开，不然这个外围打的就有些多余。

青蛙过河UID: 153167

相比来看，2要比1的问题严重的多，因为1不过是行文不严谨，而二就存在着整个文章结构紊乱的嫌疑了。再来看看分论点，我是这么想的，既然你提到了从政府的职责和产生，也就是人民和社会的长期发展，就应该从这两个方面分析当务之急和长远大计的利弊，角度可以再扩展一些，而不是只停留在有助于社会稳定和社会存亡。你说呢？其实我说稳定和存亡是一回事，就是说这两分论点都是从社会的角度说的，不解决当务之急影响社会稳定甚至会导致灭亡。但是这终究是社会稳定方面的问题，灭亡只是不稳定的一个极端现象，依然还是不稳定的一种形态，从根本上是一码事。就好比证明我喜欢苹果，我说1因为苹果有颜色我喜欢，2因为苹果红所以我喜欢。这样说你觉得有道理吗？

青蛙过河UID: 153167

都是我的一些看法，这篇文章总的还是不错的，说这么多是希望你尽可能完善，最主要是从逻辑上无懈可击。出发点是什么，立场是什么，从立场又是如何展开的。这些才是文章的最重要的。我自己也在向这方面发展中，写的文章还是一团糟，希望有机会你也能帮我看看。

comywenUID: 172022

我的帖子在https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=244509
有空帮忙看下，先谢了:)

panda2727UID: 138271

最初由 青蛙过河 发布
[B]先跟panda说声对不起，可能我改作文的口吻太冲了，你别介意，我是一新手，只是希望跟你交流下想法，伤了和气就不好了，呵呵。
关于我的看法，我想也许是我说的还不够明白?.

以下省略...... [/B]

没有没有。你表误会。呵呵，有什么对不起的。就要这样才能共同进步嘛。谢谢你。

第一点我完全同意。的确，写的时候没有注意到。指出得好！
第二点，这两个论点是属于同一方面。但是，抛开这道题目来说，我就从一个方面来论证我的观点，用了两个程度不同的小点，同样也能有说服力的证明观点。你认为呢？不过，对于逻辑的完整来说，你提的很有道理，是一个大家追求的目标。我会继续想想。谢谢。

呵呵，谢谢你用高标准来要求。谢谢。

我用行动说话。呵呵。

这是我最新文章。欢迎进来坐坐。谢谢。
http://211.151.90.54/bbs/showthread.php?s=&threadid=244748