ISSUE93

punkerzmUID: 195528

我的第一篇作文，希望各位不吝赐教！

<Issue 93>

------题目------
The concept of 'individual responsibility' is a necessary fiction. Although societies must hold individuals accountable for their own actions, people's behavior is largely determined by forces not of their own making.




In this complex world, every person is influenced by the people around him. It is hard to say that people's behavior completely rests with their mind. Sometimes the external force may change their mind and they can not help deferring to other people’s opinions. However, the conception of "individual responsibility" should not be considered as a necessary fiction. On the contrary, for the sake of keeping the order of the society, we must stick to our individual responsibilities.

Our society is made up of every person, as well as the social responsibility is made up of every individual responsibility. Since people are not solitary in the world, people's action may be not only harmful but also beneficial for other people around him. Accordingly, people must be responsible for their action, so we must emphasize the conception of individual responsibility. When they make their own decision, people always consider their self-interest more largely and choose the best manner which is good for their benefit, even sometimes it may ruin other people’s interests. So the society asks for every member to obey this basic rule: every one should be responsible for his or her action, so that the court or the government can exert their right to keep the whole society fair and stable. In the traffic jam, for example, every driver has a strong desire to get out of the jam. But when they budge their cars, the whole street would be more congested. Taking account of the description above, we may easily draw a conclusion that people should be more responsible in the society. In fact, we have to admit that the individual responsible is a sign of the civilized society, and it should be recognized as an important factor of the modern society.

Every human being, whose intelligence is at a normal level, has his own ability to judge the truth and the fault. Therefore, in this modern society, he must be accountable for his behavior, because whatever he has done is ultimately determined by himself even there lies a series of external reasons. People should be aware of the consequence of their actions before doing them, and they will try to prevent themselves from falling into the trouble.  They have to guarantee that they would not bring in any harm, or a lot of tragedy will happen. Recently, the argument whether people should clone the human being has been discussed all over the world. We can imagine that the scientists, who are proponents of cloning human, look forward to be famous for this crazy experiment. However, not only morally, but also legally, people having common sense would object to this frantic thought. Thus we must require the scientists to be responsible for the use of their knowledge, and they must have an explicit consciousness of the individual responsibility.

Admittedly, individuals, molded by the social environment, have to cater to other people’s desire under the certain circumstances. The soldier must defer to the commands, and the children have to learn from the edification of their parents. Nevertheless, they still have to be accountable for their actions, because it is different conception between individual responsibility and artificial factors. Probably it is another person who tell us to steal, but whether to do it is judged by ourselves.

In summary, individual responsibility should not be treated as a necessary fiction and it does not make sense to state that one can not take responsibility for his or her actions due to the behaviors determined by other forces not of their own making.

乒乓球爱上九月UID: 162925

Welcom your first post! Please have a look at this:
https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=208286

naiba369UID: 131655

https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=208286


你的发帖格式不对，应该用小写的issue，具体看上面的那个链接。这对以后的版务处理很关键呢，先看一下上面的那个链接吧，3x

naiba369UID: 131655

占座

naiba369UID: 131655

In this complex world, every person 改为almost everyone ，AW里面的话你不能说的太绝对了，要给自己留有余地，这样说显得你考虑的很全is influenced by the people around him 改为：him/her在AW中这一点要注意，男女都要兼顾上，嘿嘿，遇到改你的老米是女的，你不写history你说hertory，嘿嘿，没准给你5分，呵呵，kidding^^. It is hard to say that people's behavior completely rests with their mind. Sometimes the external force may change their mind 改为：minds and they can not help deferring to other people’s others’ opinions. However 这个词太大了。复习一下转折连词: However用于意群的转折，最强烈。然后是but/nevertheless。继而是while，最小的是yet，要注意。这里用but刚好，however有点大了, the conception of "individual responsibility" should not be considered as a necessary fiction. On the contrary, for the sake of keeping the order of the society是chglish了，呵呵，我没想好怎么改，但就是有问题, we must stick to our individual responsibilities. 小结：第一段是立论是POSITION。你要向考官摆明你了立场，开始的时候最好还是“规矩”一点，按部就班的，开门见山，说你自己的意见。仅从你写的来看，表述的不是很清楚，而是为什么个人不能支配自己的行为做了一番概述，应该不是太好。然后，没有出现很有“提示性”的句子，应该告诉考官，“我到底是支持，反对，还是70％的支持”，这里要有你的thesis sentences，就是“主旨句”，能把你整个文章的“筋骨”提起来，但决不是简单的复述原文，可以看看精华区关于这一点的讨论。建议你可以先练习专门写开头的片断。抽10个issue的题目来试手，然后比较其他的开头，想想优缺点，要动脑想！

首先，先阶段最好有一个比较好的提示词比如first of all,什么的，最起码从形式上有条理Our society is made up of every person, as well as the social responsibility is made up of every individual responsibility it is the same with the responsibility 然后再分说individual和social的关系。毕竟这才是你“靠”的重点。还有那个as well as 后面最好就接个名词或者名词短语，向你这种用法，我个人感觉不好。最后这里没有一个topic sentence（ts）句.开始阶段还是要有意识的加强的 Since people are not solitary in the world改为：since we human beings are social creatures, people's action may be not only harmful but also beneficial for other people around him people’s actions may have positive effect as well as the negative ones to other people. Accordingly, people 前面才用完了一个people，这里换一下must be responsible for their action, so we must emphasize the conception of conception前面用了很多次了，可以换成 notion什么的individual responsibility. When they make their own decision, people always 这种显得很绝对的词，我建议你能少用尽量少用，以为总是有exception，因此不总是always consider their self-interest more largely 嘿嘿，原来这里有largely，呵呵，砖拍错了，呵呵，见谅^^，但你的表述还是感觉不是很好 and choose the best manner which is good for their benefit, even sometimes it may ruin other people’s interests. So the society asksfor 删掉every member 不通吧to obey this basic rule: every one should be responsible for his or her action, so that the court or the government can exert their right to keep the whole society fair and stable. In the traffic jam, for example, every driver has a strong desire to get out of the jam.这里你可以具你自己的例子，把你自己编成那个driver，很常用的一种写作手法 But when they budge their cars, the whole street would be more congested. Taking account of the description above, we may easily draw a conclusion that people should be more responsible in the society. In fact, we have to admit that the individual responsible is a sign of the civilized society, and it should be recognized as an important factor of the modern society. 小结：1。你目前的论述习惯要建立：段首ts句――》简短而抠题的理论分析――》举例――》例子的分析――》回应段首的ts句，小结一下。2。论述的不是很令人信服。比如：开始你说 people's action may be not only harmful but also beneficial for other people around him，因此，people must be responsible for their action。这里你的思路将最重要的一步省略了就是：说，“为了社会的安定什么的”然后才能“accordingly”,不能向你这样论述，这就是老美的critical thinking，是层层相扣的，不要太跳跃，那是思维不连贯的表现 3。“理”说的太多了，还是要举例，然后分析，这样才是要求的“具有说服力”

开头添：what’s more， Every 老用every了，要换，最重要的是要有“不断换词”的这个“意识”，中文你就老说“TMD”也没什么意思，说说什么“哥们你，小脑缺磷，大脑缺钙，脑干缺氧，……”，其实也够损人了，嘿嘿。这里例子不好，嘿嘿。human being, whose intelligence is at a normal level, 删掉，直接说almost不就行了，不要凑字！！！has his own ability to judge the truth and the fault. Therefore, in this modern society, he/her must be accountable for his/her behavior, because whatever he has done is ultimately determined by himself 还有herself，所以用they比较好！even there lies a series of external reasons. People should be aware of the consequence 这个词的词性有点疑问of their actions before doing them, and they will try to prevent themselves from falling into the trouble. They have to guarantee that they would not bring in any harm, or a lot of tragedy will happen. Recently, the argument topic whether people should clone the human being has been discussed all over the world. We can imagine that the scientists, who are proponents of cloning human, look forward to be famous for this crazy experiment. However词性大了, not only morally, but also legally, people having common sense would object to this frantic thought. 分析戛然而止了，可惜呀，就要在此深入，才能得高分Thus we must require the scientists to be responsible for the use of their knowledge, and they must have an explicit consciousness of the individual responsibility.不要停，然后反正说。如果…………，则会……，要继续分析，分析透了，才行。小结：1。论述和BODY1(B1)一样，缺乏说服力。具体看你写的。你先说：Every human being, whose intelligence is at a normal level, has his own ability to judge the truth and the fault。然后：Therefore, in this modern society, he must be accountable for his behavior, because whatever he has done is ultimately determined by himself even there lies a series of external reasons。我个人感觉很不连贯，你自己读读看，然后就是该说的话不要省，老米要的critical thinking就是“层层相扣“！！！2。更高层次的要求：句式要：长句，短句间隔使用，犹如音乐的长音与短音一般，倘若都是一个调，就是噪音了，这就叫句式的“节奏”，呵呵，哥们你好好想想……，应该能理解我的意思吧。还是那个“意识”首先要在头脑里建立起来。然后熟化，意识很关键。3。例子前面的理论分析的语气都很“硬”，一个味，先用的should，然后是have to，感觉是你把你的道理往他人的脑子里灌，这样的用词习惯要改。

Admittedly, individuals, molded by the social environment, have to cater to other people’s desire under the certain circumstances. The soldier must defer to the commands, and the children have to learn from the edification of their parents. Nevertheless, they still have to be accountable for their actions, because it is different conception between individual responsibility and artificial factors. Probably it is another person who tell us to steal, but whether to do it is judged by ourselves. 后面的例子不是太好，个人意见

In summary, individual responsibility should not be treated as a necessary fiction and it does not make sense to state that one can not take responsibility for his or her actions due to the behaviors determined by other forces not of their own making.话说到这里没有说完，你只是指出了错误的，而正确的呢，很自然的就应该“牵”出来呢

小结：
第一篇很不错了，给你指出的问题你好好想想，然后找点范文什么的对照看看，比较出差距。呵呵，加油呢 :D

naiba369UID: 131655

up

poohUID: 146994

开头段：

开头看得有点晕，但是我觉得总比用魔板那样开头要好。
however, on the contrary两次转折，不要这样子用，让人看得很糊涂。
最后两句话似乎有些矛盾

naiba说的基本都有道理，楼主要谢谢他的一番苦心哦