issue93 重出江湖之三

冥界星灿UID: 184746

93"The concept of 'individual responsibility' is a necessary fiction. Although societies must hold individuals accountable for their own actions, people's behavior is largely determined by forces not of their own making."


According to the statements, people's behavior is most likely be determined by force in a society other than the willing of himself/herself. Many evidences in reality attest to the proposition at ease. Taking scrutiny to these circumstance, however, we find although the superficial phenomena of these so-called reasonable proofs bolster the conclusion, their quality actually suggest an individual's behavior does exist and has most correlation with his/her inner thought, not the social force.

At the first glance, many evidences in reality suggest that the way people behave is due to the society's force but not one's choice. Strong evidence at hand concerns Germany in the Second World War. Many Germans were enrolled in the Nazi Party and killed a lot of Jews, which is not according to the soldier's own willing. One can cite as many facts as one could to support the stated point.

However, taking a close analysis to the circumstance in which people are forced to behave by the atmosphere, we find people do have their own right to choose what to do even in most inclement situations. Returning to the example located above, many individuals both in German and nations over the world did their best to protect Jews against Nazi. German industrialist Oscar Sinderler, taking the danger of being discovered and killed, set all his Judean workers out of Germany to safe areas, which was not controlled by Nazi. Even in this severe situation, he and many people with humanity can adhere to rightness and behave in the manner, as they are willing to, let alone other situations. Thus, it is reasonable to make people responsible for their own choices.

In fact, the situation which people have no choice is very, very rare. That is the greatest reason why people are distinguish from each other. When coming across a cross, distinguish people behave in dramatic different manners according to their own willing and earn their own experiences of life. Compelling example at hands involve the field of education. Most people believe they are forced to receive higher education by the rapid developing contemporary society, whereas Bill Gates dropped out of Harvard University on his own willing and judgment and eventually gained his life. If people's behavior is most likely be forced by the situation they meet and the society they lived in, there will not be Bill Gates and there will exist only one kind of persons for the simple reason that all human beings are living in the same society. Indeed, in a society full of chance, one's behavior is determined by one's owning willing.

From the reasons mentioned above, we could conclude people's behavior is largely determined by their own willing other than any other forces. Therefore, the concept of 'responsibility' does exist in our society but not just a fiction as the author assert.

nightsky2004UID: 155946

According to the statements, people's behavior is most likely be determined by force in a society other than the willing of himself/herself. Many evidences in reality attest to the proposition at ease. Taking scrutiny to these circumstance, however, we find although the superficial phenomena of these so-called reasonable proofs bolster the conclusion, their quality actually suggest an individual's behavior does exist and has most correlation with his/her inner thought, not the social force.
楼主首段写得不错，在简述了题目后作了让步，然后亮出自己的观点
At the first glance, many evidences in reality suggest that the way people behave is due to the society's force but not one's这个one感觉有些问题，people应该是复数呀，可能我也不太理解one’s 的用法，不过还是觉得改为their own比较保险些，尽管有点俗 choice. Strong evidence at hand concerns Germany in the Second World War.感觉改为….. is the case in point比较好，前面我想不出好点的说法，故以省略代替，见谅 Many Germans were enrolled in the Nazi Party and killed a lot of Jews, which is not according to the soldier's own willing.一定是这样吗，最好不要把话说绝了，加一个most 或者是别的什么词比较好 One can cite as many facts as one could to support the stated point.
本段的意思似乎不是很明确，看了首句话似乎应该是一个让步段，但是没有进行更深层次的论述，仅仅搬上一句话的例子就结尾了，不知何故，接着看看
However, taking a close analysis to the circumstance in which people are forced to behave by the atmosphere, we find people do have their own rightright好像不太恰当，改为minds之类表示主管意愿的词比较能够说明问题 to choose what to do even in most inclement situations. Returning to the example located above, many individuals both in German and nations over the world did their best to protect Jews against Nazi. German industrialist Oscar Sinderler, taking the danger of being discovered and killed, set all his Judean workers out of Germany to safe areas, which was not controlled by Nazi. Even in this severe situation, he and many people with humanity can adhere to rightness and behave in the manner, as they are willing to, let alone other situations. Thus, it is reasonable to make people responsible for their own choices.
本段说出了主管意愿在making decision时所起的作用，转折到了你原来的观点，不错，但是本段论述得有些问题，例子也是可以的，但总感觉有些不对口，是不是考虑换一个更好点的例子呢？或者说得详细些，加上那些traitors的行为，可以更好的说明问题，个人感觉
In fact, the situation which people have no choice is very, very rare.感觉这段的thesis和离得原题有些远了，题目在讨论外因和内因的问题，而不是单独讨论外因本身 That is the greatest reason why people are distinguish from each other.这里又转回来了 When coming across a cross,这个clause有些别扭，最好换个说法，e.g. when facing a choice of life，不过可能说得不太准 distinguish people behave in dramatic different manners according to their own willing and earn their own experiences of life.我感觉你这句话有语法问题，最好再看看 Compelling example at hands involve the field of education. Most people believe they are forced to receive higher education by the rapid developing contemporary society, whereas Bill Gates dropped out of Harvard University on his own willing and judgment这里willing和judgment是不是保留一个就可以了呢？ and eventually gained his life. If people's behavior is most likely be forced by the situation they meet and the society they lived in, there will not be Bill Gates and there will exist only one kind of persons for the simple reason that all human beings are living in the same society.最好多举两个例子，可以说得简单些，仅仅一个例子似乎显得力度不够 Indeed, in a society full of chance, one's behavior is determined by one's owning willing.
本段说了道路是人走出来的（简单概括，^_^），但是感觉同上段，力度不够，最好再找点
From the reasons mentioned above, we could conclude people's behavior is largely determined by their own willing other than any other forces. Therefore, the concept of 'responsibility' does exist in our society but not just a fiction as the author assert.
楼主的文笔还是不错的，首段写得不错，后面的论述也是在围绕你的框架来展开，就是论述欠力度（各段都是），最好再去找些素材，加油呀

冥界星灿UID: 184746

现在大家都这么忙，真很难得还有改文章改得这么细的了，非常感谢！

文章改的很细致，意见也很中肯，我自己再改一下，充实一下。下午贴上来。

大家有想改的不妨稍等一下啊，心急吃不了热豆腐呢^_^

再次感谢nightsky2004！！！

冥界星灿UID: 184746

93"The concept of 'individual responsibility' is a necessary fiction. Although societies must hold individuals accountable for their own actions, people's behavior is largely determined by forces not of their own making."

According to the statements, people's behavior is most likely be determined by force in a society other than the willing of himself/herself. Many evidences in reality attest to the proposition at ease. Taking scrutiny to these circumstance, however, we find although the superficial phenomena of these so-called reasonable proofs bolster the conclusion, their quality actually suggest an individual's behavior does have most correlation with his/her inner thought, not the social force.

At the first glance, many evidences in reality suggest that the way people behavior is due to the society's force but not their own choices. Two cases in point concern the Nazi Germany in the Second World War and the Civil Right Movement. Many Germans were enrolled in the Nazi Party and killed a lot of Jews, which was not according to most soldiers own willing. Martin Luther King, a outstanding leader in the Civil Right Movement, could become a brilliant priest if there was no discrimination existed. One can cite as many facts as one could to support the stated point.

However, taking a close analysis to the circumstances in which people are forced to behave by the world outside, we find people do have their own right to choose what to do even in even the most inclement situations. It is necessary for us to return to the two examples located above. During the Second World War, many individuals both in German and nations all over the world did their best to protect Jews against Nazi. German industrialist Oskar Schindler, taking the danger of being discovered and killed, set all his Judean workers out of Germany to safe areas, which was not controlled by Nazi. Even in this severe situation, he and many people with humanity can adhere to rightness and behave in the manner, as they are willing to, let alone other situations. Thus, it is reasonable to make people responsible for their own choices. And on the other hand, living in the same atmosphere, many minoritise did not guide the Civil Right Movement but Martin Luther King. It was his own choice in which he successfully took the responsibility and struggled to his best.

In fact, the situation which people have no choice is very, very rare. That is the primary reason why people are distinguish from each other. When facing a cross of life，distinguish people behave in dramatic different manners according to their own willing and earn their own experiences of life. Compelling example at hands involve the fields of education and people's daily life. Most people believe they are forced to receive higher education by the rapid developing contemporary society, whereas Bill Gates dropped out of Harvard University on his own willing and judgment and eventually gained his success. During the period that SARS is pandemic throughout China, it seems that people have no choice but to stay in their house. But thousands of volunteers walked on the street, introduced to all the people they met the knowledge about SARS, took the responsibility as a civilian. If people's behavior is most likely to be forced by the situation they meet and the society they lived in, there will not be Bill Gates and the rapid extraction of SARS in China. Even further, there will exist only one kind of persons for the simple reason that all human beings are living in the same society and are prone to meet the similar situation. Simply put, in a society full of chance, one's behavior is determined by one's owning willing, which is the reason they must take their own responsibility.

From the reasons mentioned above, we could conclude people's behavior is largely determined by their own willing other than any other forces. Therefore, the concept of 'responsibility' does exist in our society but not just a fiction as the author assert.