Issue148 必回改 谢谢

jcywUID: 176661

Issue148  第1篇 让砖头来得更猛烈些吧！
------摘要------
作者：寄托家园作文版普通用户     共用时间：45分2秒     377 words
从2005年1月25日13时23分到2005年1月25日14时45分
------题目------
Many people admire idealism, but it usually leads to disappointment or trouble.
------正文------
Losing direction in the sea means waiting for dieing in the sea. Therefore, it is very necessary to make a definitive goal, if one want to arrive at island or continent. Just as navigation in the sea, we must make our ideal clear in life in order to achieve successes what we wish.

In the age of information and technology which are improving rapidly, most of people are busy in earning enough money, finding satisfying job, getting the appreciation of their leaders etc. without knowing why they are not so happy as they are taught that one would feel good if he or she work hard. What the problem's core is that the tired people do not make clear what they want best or what are the most important in their life, that is to say they have not find their ideal as not find the orientation in the navigation in the sea with fierce waves.

The determination in a long trip is important because it could prevent people from wasting time on walking round about even getting back to the scratch line. One could not decide what he or she should do without ideal, so what they can do is following others. But others get what they have been looking for with their efforts, the follower obtain nothing because the result what makes others satisfying may not coincide with what they want. Therefore, we must definite our own ideal so that we can make sure what we should do in time and make our plan to realize our own dream.

Secondly, ideal gives people encourage and energy to face amounts of difficulties emerging in life frequently when we work hard to fulfill our ideal. Take me for example, my native language are Chinese but not English. Word is a big obstacle for me to take GRE. But I want to continue my education abroad, for this goal, I don't feel so bad when I make efforts to remember tens of thousands of strange words and now I come to the GRE with mastering plenty of words. It is the goal to study in a new environment that give me courage and energy to overcome difficulty when I wanted to give up for being tired of learning dull words.  

In addition, the ideal makes our life meaningful. Because holding your own ideal makes you feel what you are engage in are worthy of your efforts which make you closer to your goal. The invention of bulb is a typical example. It is said that Thomas Edison experienced more than a thousand failures before succeeding in finding the suitable material to make bulb. But he could enjoy so many failures in the process of inventing bulb light, why? Does the ideal that invent bulb to light the world at night make his failures in laboratory meaningful.

Admittedly, ideal is nothing but mirage without efforts to make the ideal reality. We have to try our best to make our dream realized after choosing our ideal, if we want to succeed as we dream.

To sum up, without head, even a fly could only fly about with nothing achieved. One have to give himself a cleat ideal to make his or her life meaningful and rich.

davidjackyUID: 135962

[请结队改作文，谢谢]

https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=250350
https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=250474
https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=250439

smartyrUID: 169453

个盟， :D  :cool: 明天一定搞定！不负斑竹厚望

smartyrUID: 169453

No.1 Issue148 必回改 谢谢
Issue148 第1篇 让砖头来得更猛烈些吧！
------摘要------
作者：寄托家园作文版普通用户 共用时间：45分2秒 377 words
从2005年1月25日13时23分到2005年1月25日14时45分
------题目------
Many people admire idealism, but it usually leads to disappointment or trouble.
------正文------
Losing direction in the sea means waiting for dieing(应该是dying吧？) in the sea. （重复）Therefore, it is very necessary to make（我会用set） a definitive goal, if one want（wants） to arrive at island or continent. Just as navigation in the sea, we must make our ideal clear in life in order to achieve successes what we wish.

In the age of information and technology which are improving rapidly, most of people are busy in earning enough money, finding satisfying job（jobs）, getting the appreciation of their leaders etc. without（Without） knowing why they are not so happy as they are taught that one would feel good if he or she work hard. What the problem's core is that the tired people do not make clear what they want best or what are the most important in their life, that is to say they have not find their ideal as not find the orientation in the navigation in the sea with fierce waves.（是你的topic sentence？）

The determination in a long trip is important because it could prevent people from wasting time on walking round about even getting back to the scratch line. One could not decide what he or she should do without ideal, so what they can do is following others. But others get what they have been looking for with their efforts, the follower（followers单复数） obtain nothing because the result what makes others satisfying may not coincide with what they want.（能否重新写一下？） Therefore, we must definite our own ideal so that we can make sure what we should do in time and make our plan to realize our own dream.（与前一段连贯不好，为何如此布置文章结构？）

Secondly（觉得有点突然，前面有个firstly，first of all或to begin with会不会好点？）, ideal gives people encourage and energy to face amounts of difficulties emerging in life frequently when we work hard to fulfill our ideal. Take me for example（Take my personal experiences for example）, my native language are（低级错误,is） Chinese but not English. Word is a big obstacle for me to take GRE. But I want to continue my education abroad, for this goal, I don't feel so bad when I make efforts to remember tens of thousands of strange words and now I come to the GRE with mastering plenty of words. It is the goal to study in a new environment that gives me courage and energy to overcome difficulty when I wanted to give up for being tired of learning dull words.

In addition, the ideal makes our life meaningful. Because holding your own ideal makes you feel what you are engage in are worthy of your efforts which make you closer to your goal.(不要用第二人称代词“you”，给人的感觉很不爽！)
The invention of (electric light bulb 应该是较好的说法吧？) bulb is a typical example. It is said that Thomas Edison experienced more than a thousand failures before succeeding in finding the suitable material to make bulb（filament）. But he could enjoy so many failures in the process of inventing bulb light, why? Does the ideal that invent bulb to light the world at night make his failures in laboratory meaningful.（？）

Admittedly, ideal is nothing but mirage without efforts to make the ideal reality. We have to try our best to make our dream realized（realize） after choosing our ideal, if we want to succeed as we dream.

To sum up, without head, even a fly could only fly about with nothing achieved.（请教一下这句何意思？：）） One have to give himself a cleat （你是想表达“明确“的意思？）ideal to make his or her life meaningful and rich.
1.        提一个建议：如果拿不准句子、短语的表达，最好用Google搜一下，肯定会受到启发
2.        这篇文章是计时写的吗？
3.        开头、结尾在改一改？个人觉得开头部分好像应该有表示你看法的意思。用个”I”会不好一点？结尾应该总结的多一点吧？
4.        有一问题与你讨论一下：本题目我的理解“idealism”是“理想主义”的意思，而你的文章通篇提到的是“ideal”，这俩个词的范畴是有区别的。还有“disappointment”与“trouble“你也没有提到。
上述是我个人意见，仅供参考！尽早回复我的问题为盼！共同努力Y！！！

jcywUID: 176661

最初由 smartyr 发布
[B]No.1 Issue148 必回改 谢谢
Issue148 第1篇 让砖头来得更猛烈些吧！
------摘要------
作者：寄托家园作文版普通用户 共用时间：45分2秒 377 words
从2005年1月25日13..

以下省略...... [/B]

Thank you for mending:)

是限时写的，低级错误太多了，献丑了！
smartyr 的修改很好：）令在下受益匪浅：）再次感谢
我们互改把 ，
fly 那句话是要说 无头苍蝇的意思，自己编出来的

大家一起努力，共勉！

jcywUID: 176661

对了，我也觉得我跑提了，当时理解错了，但是理想主义也 太 难了，什么是理想主义？难界定阿，所以我觉得这篇文章要是往 理想上靠靠，还好些：（

smartyrUID: 169453

我今天也写一篇，这两天老师逼着我做课题，没上来看！
明天上传我写的，不过我刚开始写。勿见笑！

晨曦UID: 177893

如果没人看，试试看多改两篇别人的，既是借鉴学习，也是熟悉人口，才能有人来帮你呢。

作文论坛强调的是互动，而不是义务啦。认真就会有进步哦，不管是改别人的还是写自己的

偶是局外人，说这个话可能方便些。勿见怪。错了算我的。

PS:可以利用页面下方的工具条来找 0回复 的文章的 —— 按照 “回复数量” 以 “降序” 排列......

BTW，楼主回拍了谁了？ MS楼主有两篇“第一次”和两篇“第二篇”呢。

西西西西UID: 186753

Admittedly, ideal is nothing but mirage without efforts to make the ideal reality. We（少用we,多用individual， one，person,显得客观） have to try our best to make our dream realized after choosing our ideal, if we want to succeed as we dream.

To sum up, without head(with no head), even a fly could only fly about with nothing achieved(flying about without achieving anything ). One have to give himself a cleat ideal to make his or her life meaningful and rich.-----In order to enrich one’s life, it is necessary for individuals to select specific definitions for themselves
可以多用一些长句子，东方的书上有相关练习，而且可在句子中多家一些插入语，避免单调。


谢谢你也看看我的，就在地一面，西西西西