issue64 写不出来了 逻辑混乱中~

so猫UID: 148633

"Many people know how to attain success, but few know how to make the best use of it."

There exist thousands of people who had succeeded in a specific field for a while but soon disappeared without trace like a meteor flashing through the darkness; yet it is difficult to refer to someone who could succeed in his/her pursuit of dreams and goals and carry the success long. I fundamentally agree with the speaker that compared with attain of success, the process of maintenance and utilization is much harder that few people could achieve the goal.

The word "success" in this topic, as far as I am concerned, means the achievement of a short-time dream or goal, rather than the concept from some philosophies which is related to the process of spending one's life finding the value of individual and lifelong improvement. From this point of view, people do succeed in most cases: in the laboratory, the researchers succeeds when finding the proper explanation of unknown phenomena; in the election, the new president is surely the winner of the battle of the vote; also, in the commercial field, the small companies are successful at the moment of the signature of an importance contract, especially when facing with pressure from the big corporations.  Thus for these examples related to what I define as success, one could easily turn to daily newspapers and TV programs.

Meanwhile, few successful people could promise that they could maintain what they hold in hand for long; often complaint about the lack of idea to make good use of the success can be heard in the interview. Success, although comes with happiness and laughter at the very moment of attain, seems to bring endless trouble in the later life. One famous entrepreneurs has once expressed his feelings towards the big international co operations he had and the increase of the profits (and I paraphrase) that he has no idea what to do and how to make the company better in order to survive in this intense campaign for the marketing share, that the huge success makes him blind to tell how the trends will go on, and that he may even hesitate to make decision since the fear of failure and loss in profits.

In addition, as a famous philosopher has mentioned, success brings evil seducement sometimes. People without intelligence and wisdom got easily trapped in this seemly sweet actually bitter sea of pain. Unfortunately, many people are already in the delight what success has brought--blind, to be more exact; thus they cannot even tell the difference between evil seducement or future opportunity and may make wrong determination. Take Caesar, for example. He was absolutely the winner on the battlefield yet the later blindness what the successful conquer of the European Continent and Egypt killed him at last.

To attain success, one needs brevity, endurance, intelligence and fortune; yet for the utilization of success one need more, such as the capability to stay undisturbed when facing with the sudden happiness or sorrow, and the wisdom to tell the subtle difference between trap and chance, and most importantly, the conscience of treating the success as common. Thus, one could hold the success longer and pursue the new success in the later life.

倒数计时18天
没信心了~

so猫UID: 148633

没人改吗
自己顶一个~~~

crystal_shenUID: 158842

呵呵，那我就不知天高地厚一下下，半夜来改“so猫”斑斑的大作

九小时后见

^^

poohUID: 146994

"Many people know how to attain success, but few know how to make the best use of it."

There exist thousands of people who had succeeded in a specific field for a while but soon disappeared without trace like a meteor flashing through the darkness; yet it is difficult to refer to someone who could succeed in his/her pursuit of dreams and goals and carry the success long. I fundamentally agree with the speaker that compared with attainattain是动词 of success, the process of maintenance and utilization is much harder that few people could achieve the goal. why? Give your reason in the thesis

The word "success" in this topic, as far as I am concerned, means the achievement of a short-time dream or goal, rather than the concept from some philosophies which is related to the process of spending one's life finding the value of individual and lifelong improvement. From this point of view, people do succeed in most cases: in the laboratory, the researchers succeeds when finding the proper explanation of unknown phenomena; in the election, the new president is surely the winner of the battle of the vote; also, in the commercial field, the small companies are successful at the moment of the signature of an importance contract, especially when facing with pressure from the big corporations. Thus for these examples related to what I define as success, one could easily turn to daily newspapers and TV programs.最后半句不明确，电视报纸还会报道丑闻呢。

Meanwhile, few successful people could promise that they could maintain what they hold in hand for long; often complaint complaint is a noun about the lack of idea to make good use of the success can be heard in the interview. Success, although comes with happiness and laughter at the very moment of attain此从句无主语, seems to bring endless trouble in the later life. One famous entrepreneurs has once expressed his feelings towards the big international co operations he had and the increase of the profits (and I paraphrase) that he has no idea what to do and how to make the company better in order to survive in this intense campaign for the marketing share, that the huge success makes him blind to tell how the trends will go on, and that he may even hesitate to make decision since the fear of failure and loss in profits. 只是论述成功难以维持这个现象并不能体现你思维的深度，你应该把重点放在why

In addition, as a famous philosopher has mentioned, success brings evil seducement sometimes. People without intelligence and wisdom got easily trapped in this seemly sweet actually bitter sea of pain. Unfortunately, many people are already in the delight what success has brought--blind, to be more exact; thus they cannot even tell the difference between evil seducement or future opportunity and may make wrong determination. Take Caesar, for example. He was absolutely the winner on the battlefield yet the later blindness what the successful conquer of the European Continent and Egypt killed him at last.

我有个问题：难道the use of success = the maintenance of success? 我的理解是人们成功后可以利用成功带来的财富和知名度做很多事情，比如回报社会

To attain success, one needs brevity, endurance, intelligence and fortune; yet for the utilization of success one need more, such as the capability to stay undisturbed when facing with the sudden happiness or sorrow, and the wisdom to tell the subtle difference between trap and chance, and most importantly, the conscience of treating the success as common. Thus, one could hold the success longer and pursue the new success in the later life.

  跟以前相比，这篇写的有些简单了，没有体现你的分析能力。

写作文也是过尤不及，不要想的太简单，也不要想得过分复杂。

lisploreUID: 195645

首先是语言。总体而言语言问题不大，只是缺少一种连贯和简洁。尤其是简洁，这是很多人的问题，不用把一句话说成复杂的结构，如果那样是故意的，那么就非常的不好，需要把话说得越明白越好。

下面文章里标记的是一些不太好的表达，你可以试试看怎么改正比较好，不明白的欢迎回帖。

"Many people know how to attain success, but few know how to make the best use of it."

There exist thousands of people who had succeeded in a specific field for a while but soon disappeared without trace like a meteor flashing through the darkness; yet it is difficult to refer to someone who could succeed in his/her pursuit of dreams and goals and carry the success long. I fundamentally agree with the speaker that compared with attain of success, the process of maintenance and utilization is much harder that few people could achieve the goal.

The word "success" in this topic, as far as I am concerned, means the achievement of a short-time dream or goal, rather than the concept from some philosophies which is related to the process of spending one's life finding the value of individual and lifelong improvement. From this point of view, people do succeed in most cases: in the laboratory, the researchers succeeds when finding the proper explanation of unknown phenomena; in the election, the new president is surely the winner of the battle of the vote; also, in the commercial field, the small companies are successful at the moment of the signature of an importance contract, especially when facing with pressure from the big corporations. Thus for these examples related to what I define as success, one could easily turn to daily newspapers and TV programs.
最后一句没看明白

Meanwhile, few successful people could promise that they could maintain what they hold in hand for long; often?? complaint about the lack of idea to make good use of the success can be heard in the interview. Success, although comes with happiness and laughter at the very moment of attain, seems to bring endless trouble in the later life. One famous entrepreneurs has once expressed his feelings towards the big international co operations he had and the increase of the profits (and I paraphrase) that he has no idea what to do and how to make the company better in order to survive in this intense campaign for the marketing share, that the huge success makes him blind to tell how the trends will go on, and that he may even hesitate to make decision since the fear of failure and loss in profits.

In addition, as a famous philosopher has mentioned, success brings evil seducement sometimes. People without intelligence and wisdom got easily trapped in this seemly sweet actually bitter sea of pain. Unfortunately, many people are already in the delight what success has brought--blind, to be more exact; thus they cannot even tell the difference between evil seducement or future opportunity and may make wrong determination. Take Caesar, for example. He was absolutely the winner on the battlefield yet the later blindness what the successful conquer of the European Continent and Egypt killed him at last.

To attain success, one needs brevity, endurance, intelligence and fortune; yet for the utilization of success one need more, such as the capability to stay undisturbed when facing with the sudden happiness or sorrow, and the wisdom to tell the subtle difference between trap and chance, and most importantly, the conscience of treating the success as common. Thus, one could hold the success longer and pursue the new success in the later life.

然后来谈谈这篇文章的问题。

其实这篇文章的最大问题前面的一位网友已经给你指出来了。

我有个问题：难道the use of success = the maintenance of success? 我的理解是人们成功后可以利用成功带来的财富和知名度做很多事情，比如回报社会

确实如此，当你第一段提及“yet it is difficult to refer to someone who could succeed in his/her pursuit of dreams and goals and carry the success long. ”我就觉得不妥，但是当时我觉得这作为一种引入的方法也未尝不可。但后文居然围绕此点展开显然偏离主题啦。

第二段从其本身来看是很不错的，可以看到其实你非常明白这种八股文的写作手法，但作为这篇文章而言，作为一片45分钟写完的文章而言，这段太长！不划算。而前显得头重脚轻。其实么，写到“The word "success" in this topic, as far as I am concerned, means the achievement of a short-time dream or goal, rather than the concept from some philosophies which is related to the process of spending one's life finding the value of individual and lifelong improvement. ”就够了，不必展开了，最多举一个例子。

第三段与主题无关，可以整段去掉。

第四段也没说清问题的根本所在，只是谈谈一些表面现象。不够深入。最后关于Caesar的例子我个人对你的观点保持不同的看法，当然放在这里也没有大问题，因为你似乎提到了“yet the later blindness what the successful conquer of the European Continent and Egypt killed him at last. ”这与文章的主题是相关联的。但是我个人认为这个家伙的最终失败是必然的，因为这与他的个性有关，所谓“成也鲁莽，败也鲁莽”，他个人一向是保持着这种特有的前后一致性。

不够深入。

鬼谷子UID: 159645

猫猫我来了

so猫UID: 148633

lisplore同学说的很中肯的意见
偶一定好好消化
先谢谢一个说
然后赶快跑回去上课

第一个星期就点名 偶倒~~~

再次感谢楼上的各位老大~

鬼谷子UID: 159645

No.1 issue64 写不出来了 逻辑混乱中~
"Many people know how to attain success, but few know how to make the best use of it."

There exist thousands of people who had succeeded in a specific field for a while but soon disappeared without trace like a meteor flashing through the darkness; 【见过一个昙花一现的表达a flash in the pan】 yet it is difficult to refer to someone who could succeed in his/her pursuit of dreams and goals and carry the success long. I fundamentally agree with the speaker that compared with attain【attaining】 of success, the process of maintenance and utilization is much harder that few people could achieve the goal. 【开头还算是不错的】

The word "success" in this topic, as far as I am concerned, means the achievement of a short-time dream or goal, rather than the concept from some philosophies which is related to the process of spending one's life finding the value of individual and lifelong improvement. 【把关键词定义为有利于自己论点的范围内，很好】From this point of view, people do succeed in most cases: in the laboratory, the researchers succeeds when finding the proper explanation of unknown phenomena; in the election, the new president is surely the winner of the battle of the vote; also, in the commercial field, the small companies are successful at the moment of the signature of an importance contract, especially when facing with pressure from the big corporations. Thus for these examples related to what I define as success, one could easily turn to daily newspapers and TV programs. 【你把这些成功说成理所当然的不是很合适，应该说符合你的定义的成功无处不在，然后分领域列举一下】

Meanwhile, few successful people could promise that they could maintain what they hold in hand for long; often complaint【complain】 about the lack of idea to make good use of the success can be heard in the interview. 【what interview？】 Success, although comes with happiness and laughter at the very moment of attain【这个是动词啦，又错了】, seems to bring endless trouble in the later life. 【这个结论不是很支持你的论点吧】 One famous entrepreneurs has once expressed his feelings towards the big international co operations he had and the increase of the profits (and I paraphrase) that he has no idea what to do and how to make the company better in order to survive in this intense campaign for the marketing share, that the huge success makes him blind to tell how the trends will go on, and that he may even hesitate to make decision since the fear of failure and loss in profits. 【最好总结一下，归到你的论点上】

In addition, as a famous philosopher has mentioned, success brings evil seducement sometimes. People without intelligence and wisdom got easily trapped in this seemly 【seemingly？】sweet actually bitter sea of pain. Unfortunately, many people are already in the delight what success has brought--blind, to be more exact; thus they cannot even tell the difference between evil seducement or 【and】future opportunity and may make wrong determination. Take Caesar, for example. He was absolutely the winner on the battlefield yet the later blindness what the successful conquer of the European Continent and Egypt killed him at last.

To attain success, one needs brevity, endurance, intelligence and fortune; yet for the utilization of success one need more, such as the capability to stay undisturbed when facing with the sudden happiness or sorrow, and the wisdom to tell the subtle difference between trap and chance, and most importantly, the conscience of treating the success as common. Thus, one could hold the success longer and pursue the new success in the later life.
【大体上的层次还是可以的，但是同pooh的意见，我觉得你没有抓住use这个词的含义，所以从这个角度来说，偏离了题目的重点。语言上面要注意准确和流畅。相信你会越来越好的。猫猫加油啊！】