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鬼谷子UID: 159645

Argument65 第1篇 让砖头来得更猛烈些吧！
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作者：寄托家园作文版普通用户 共用时间：30分3秒 515 words
从2005年2月4日16时47分到2005年2月4日17时30分
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The following appeared in a memo from the president of a chain of cheese stores located throughout the United States.
'For many years all the stores in our chain have stocked a wide variety of both domestic and imported cheeses. Last year, however, the five best-selling cheeses at our newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin. Furthermore, a recent survey by Cheeses of the World magazine indicates an increasing preference for domestic cheeses among its subscribers. Since our company can reduce expenses by limiting inventory, the best way to improve profits in all of our stores is to discontinue stocking many of our varieties of imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses.'
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In this argument the auger draws the conclusion that all the stores of the chain should discontinue stocking the imported cheeses while concentrate on selling only the domestic ones. The basis for this recommendation is that last year, the five best-selling cheeses at newest store were all domestic ones. In addition, to strengthen the conclusion, the arguer cites the result of a survey done by Cheese of the World magazine, showing that among its subscribers, most of them prefer domestic ones. 【太模板化，restate的内容太多了】 As far as I am concerned, although at first glance the recommendation looks somewhat convincing, the conclusion actually is unwarranted. 【而自己的观点没有交代清楚，题目错了，为什么错呢？即使是argument也是需要有突出鲜明的论点的，不要被模板误导】

To begin with, although the best selling cheeses are all domestic ones. 【这个不是完整句，而且，不能还没论述就开始让步，另外，这句表达不清，应该是best selling cheeses at newest store】 The result comes from only the newest stores, which indicate no evidence of the old stores. It is most likely that in the other older stores, customers still prefer the imported ones. The arguer cannot equate the situation in some stores with the situation of all its stores. Given that customers enjoy the domestic brands, it might not last long. As a result, it is unwise for the president to suggest that they should avoid selling the imported cheeses. 【后面反驳的就是结论的问题了，层次不清，一个问题放在一段里面就可以，何况你后面还会反驳结论问题】

Another reason I find the arguer’s recommendation unconvincing is that the result of the survey provided by the arguer lacks credibility. Admittedly the magazine shows that now there is an increasing preference for domestic cheeses among its subscribers. However, the samples of this survey are not representative enough. We are not told how the survey is conducted, and have good reason to doubt that the responders of this survey are all among the group that prefer to have domestic foods. We might assume that people who read Cheese of the World magazine belong to that type of people. 【反驳完了最好总结一句】

Furthermore, the conclusion drawn by the president is not so warranted. There are more ways that can be found to reduce expenses rather than to discontinue stocking many of their varieties of imported cheese. Once they disconnect with these foreign companies, it would cost a large amount of money to regain the trust of them. In addition, the arguer fails to provide the evidence showing that by taken the method he suggests; the company will improve their profits. It might be the case that people buy domestic cheeses mainly for the reason that they are much cheaper than the imported ones, which are more profitable for the cheese sellers. It must be unwise to take them all off their shelves in stores. In addition, by taken the president's suggestion into practice, their stores will lose several customers who stick to foreign brands. 【顺序要注意一下，应该先说，国内品牌不一定就赚钱，外国品牌不一定不赚钱，再说，带来利润的因素很多】

In sum, the recommendation is not as convincing as it stands. To better assess the argument, the arguer must provide evidence sufficient enough to justify the disadvantages of continuing selling the imported cheeses. And to strengthen his assertion, the arguer needs to provide a more convincing survey with samples representative enough. Without the evidence that most of the customers dislikes and have no intention of buying the imported ones, I suggest that the president not to take such a hasty conclusion.
【基本的问题都反驳到了。开头和B1有些问题，B3的顺序有问题。不过限时成功本身就已经很好了。加油！】

鬼谷子UID: 159645

昨天给我的链接失效了
重新给你发了一个
shirleymalu进来看

绝色的伤口UID: 198546

谢谢楼主

shirleymaluUID: 197811

谢谢楼主的指点批评！！刚才没看到这个贴，又把自己的作文从新发了一遍，不好意思，如果可以的话，删掉好了。