Issue10 开学后的第二篇，由于上一篇写得太差隔了好久才动笔，各位G友帮忙看下吧

staralwaysUID: 193479

“Governments must ensure that their major cities receive the financial support they need in order to thrive, because it is primarily in cities that a nation’s cultural traditions are preserved and generated.”
提纲：
1>        不可否认，大城市的确保留有并产生了部分文化传统和遗产。
2>        但是大城市是文明发展到一定阶段的产物，一个国家、社会文化的根源更多是在乡间、城市以外的地方。
3>        乡村往往发展缓慢，因为已经将大部分的重点放在了城市上，因此更需要全面的财政支持；而大城市的需求往往并不是非常紧迫，需要马上满足。
4>        一个国家、社会要想繁荣，必须处理好这两者的关系，而仅仅靠满足大城市的需求是不够的。

Nowadays, as major cities are regarded as representatives of a nation, a result of urbanization, advocators of this process may express the idea that, like the statement above, major cities should be considered as priorities when governments allocate financial support because of their role in the generation and preservation of national cultural traditions and further, the country’s prosperity. However, practical concerning shows us that it is not the case in fact, even the opposite.

Admittedly, major cities do have their part in the process of generating and preservation of a nation’s cultural traditions. Museums, for example, preserve and exhibit some ancient manuals which record great events in history, such as a new monarch came into power, or his death. Other items, like pots, are also showed. Without help from big cities, many cultural traditions, or presentations of them, would be lost in steps of history.

However, cities started to form until one nation’s culture and civilization had developed to some extent of maturity, rather than from the very beginning of a society, or nation. Hence a nation’s cultural traditions can be expected to had rooted much more in country, suburban, and other areas outside the major cities, rather the big cities. Take folk songs as an example, when we’re submerged by pop music in major cities through our earphones, folk songs are heard by everyone across the farmland in the quiet countryside. It’s well known that folk songs generated from laborers and farmers’ working experiences and passed down to the next generation. And the suburban areas are the very places where those people once lived in and worked. That’s to say, folk songs are more likely to have sprang up from the areas outside major cities. The same holds true to most of the nation’s cultural traditions, while it’s likely that some of them were brought into big cities by some migrants.

Therefore, if someone makes the issue that a nation’s cultural traditions are preserved and generated primarily in cities as the reason that the financial support needed by major cities should be guaranteed, when it comes to reality according to such logic and the analysis above, we should expect that suburban areas be assured of their financial needs. This is in fact true. Since heavy emphasis has been put on the development of major cities, the living conditions in country areas has fallen behind, even some basic living requirements are not well met. Those areas need more financial support from the government. Moreover, major cities have already got much financial support in the way they develop, even from other nations, such like the policy carried out by many major cities in China to appeal to foreign investments. Thus their needs may be not critical as that of country areas. Imagine that, while there’s no access of electricity to each family in some suburban areas, can an appeal from a big city for financial support to make the city much more brightly in the night to show its status be a priority? Of course not. If it were, the nation cannot survive long, let alone thrive. In a word, the call from suburban areas should be considered first and guaranteed.

In sum, a nation should make a good balance in concern about financial support carefully in order to thrive. Only ensuring what the major cities need is not enough, much more emphasis should be placed on giving financial support to the country areas, the lack of which may left a unbalanced situation which is irrecoverable, where primarily the nation’s cultural traditions are preserved and generated.

有一个疑问，博物馆里展出的那些东西能不能算是cultural traditions，还是那些风俗之类才算。如果是后者的话，那例子就不太合适了。战友们也顺便解答一下吧！

victoriazhizhiUID: 163135

Nowadays, as major cities are regarded as representatives of a nation, a result of urbanization, advocators of this process may express the idea that, like the statement above, major cities should be considered as priorities when governments allocate financial support because of their role in the generation and preservation of national cultural traditions and further, the country’s prosperity.最好还是不要restate，看看G猫关于开头的帖子 However, practical concerning shows us that it is not the case in face, even the opposite.不过开头还是很简洁直接，清晰明了

Admittedly, major cities do have their part in the process of generating and preservation of a nation’s cultural traditions. Museums, for example, preserve and exhibit some ancient manuals which record great events in history, such as a new monarch came into power, or his death. Other items, like pots, are also showed. Without help from big cities, many cultural traditions, or presentations of them, would be lost in steps of history. 感觉例子和前后不太连贯

这个however转的和上面的内容有些接不上However, cities started to form until one nation’s culture and civilization had developed to some extent of maturity, rather than from the very beginning of a society, or nation.感觉语句上有些绕圈圈，觉得还是直接一些好，cities started from那句别扭，还要联想beginning of a society等概念，而且题目说的意思是文化发源于城市呀，你要说的是文化发源于乡村，和你的表达不是很符合。TS还是要清晰一些。个人意见。也许我自己没看明白，麻烦解释一下 Hence a nation’s cultural traditions can be expected to had rooted much more in country, suburban, and other areas outside the major cities, rather the big cities. Take folk songs as an example, when we’re submerged by pop music in major cities through our earphones, folk songs are heard by everyone across the farmland in the quiet countryside. when…这句没多少作用，直接接你下面这句就可以It’s well known that folk songs generated from laborers and farmers’ working experiences and passed down to the next generation. And the suburban areas are the very places where those people once lived in and worked. That’s to say, folk songs are more likely to have sprang up from the areas outside major cities. The same holds true to most of the nation’s cultural traditions, while it’s likely that some of them were brought into big cities by some migrants.后面展开的不错，不过例子有些单一，如果这个例子简练一下再加一个例子更好点，不然容易特殊化

Therefore, if someone makes the issue that a nation’s cultural traditions are preserved and generated primarily in cities as the reason that the financial support needed by major cities should be guaranteed, when it comes to reality according to such logic and the analysis above, we should expect that suburban areas be assured of their financial needs. This is in fact true. Since heavy emphasis has been put on the development of major cities, the living conditions in country areas has fallen behind, even some basic living requirements are not well met. Those areas need more financial support from the government. Moreover, major cities have already got much financial support in the way they develop, even from other nations, such like the policy carried out by many major cities in China to appeal to foreign investments. Thus their needs may be not critical as that of country areas. Imagine that, while there’s no access of electricity to each family in some suburban areas, can an appeal from a big city for financial support to make the city much more brightly in the night to show its status be a priority? Of course not. 要是用个nay可以文邹邹点 嘿嘿If it were, the nation cannot survive long, let alone thrive. In a word, the call from suburban areas should be considered first and guaranteed.

In sum, a nation should make a good balance in concern about financial support carefully in order to thrive. Only ensuring what the major cities need is not enough, much more emphasis should be placed on giving financial support to the country areas, the lack of which may left a unbalanced situation which is irrecoverable, where primarily the nation’s cultural traditions are preserved and generated.结尾还不错

有个个人的看法，也是B3没给修改的原因。我看了你的提纲，觉得你的思路很清晰，提纲列的也不错。但是关于B2有些疑问：题目说给大城市资金的原因是因为这些是文化的起源并且保留了文化，如果要是反驳呢，首先应该是反对它的因，也就是你B2说的问题。到了B3你说不应该给那么多资金的原因因为已经很支持了，而乡村更需要发展，这个是对的，但是后面的展开我觉得是不是还是要围绕文化发源了保存了这个问题呢？而你一直没有提到，到最后又说了要是乡村没个电大城市灯火通明又如何，就更远了。个人意见，其实我也不是很明白的。欢迎讨论。还有就是BODY段开头的衔接总有些不够连贯的感觉，觉得那个however, therefore的前因后果没有联系上。再有一个就是你自己说到的B1的例子，我觉得这个例子可以用，只是有些不典型，而且表述的不够好和后面衔接不太好。语言还不错，整体上感觉还好，读的比较舒服，个别地方需要斟酌一下。加油

staralwaysUID: 193479

呵呵，非常感谢victoriazhizhi的拍砖。上一篇实在是无法见人，这篇稍许安慰了点。

1、最好还是不要restate，看看G猫关于开头的帖子。G猫那篇帖子我看到了，但是没有很仔细地看（惭愧了），会去补习一下的，谢谢你的提醒。还有前两天看到so猫的一篇issue里面就直接提出了自己的立场，记得好象是I fundamentally agree......，觉得考试的时候说不定还真得用呢。

2、感觉例子和前后不太连贯。的确是。因为我发上来之前又修改了一下，把admittedly这部分缩短了许多。原本用的例子是京剧，然后又不知道怎么表述，可能勉强说出来了也不清楚，所以就改掉了。前后不连贯是一个问题。最近经常感到好象陷在一个圈圈里了。刚一开始写issue的时候都是说理，没有例子，结果一想到有什么例子就赶紧写上去。现在感觉例子乱七八糟的说了一堆，也不过典型，一些必要的说理衔接的过程却缺少了，有点担心，不知道有没有什么办法解决啊。还有这方面的例子能不能典型的举两个帮我开阔一下思路啊：）

3、这个however转的和上面的内容有些接不上。这也的确是个问题。我觉得可能是对这类连接词的具体意思、用法还不完全理解的原因。中文里似乎一写“然而”，我们就知道意思肯定是要转折了，这个“转”在我们大脑中多了一个步骤后就显得很自然了，英语中可能就不是这样了。这是我的理解，不知道zhizhi的理解如何。我前面的文章里也有被指出这样的问题，看来病入膏肓了啊。

4、感觉语句上有些绕圈圈，觉得还是直接一些好，cities started from那句别扭，还要联想beginning of a society等概念，而且题目说的意思是文化发源于城市呀，你要说的是文化发源于乡村，和你的表达不是很符合。TS还是要清晰一些。个人意见。也许我自己没看明白，麻烦解释一下。其实紧接在however那句后面的并不是真正的TS。后面的那句hence才是。这样不知道可不可以啊。这句话可能写得比较别扭，我想说的意思是：城市是在一个社会或文明发展到一定成熟阶段的产物，而不是从社会的开始生来就有的。

5、要是用个nay可以文邹邹点 嘿嘿。呵呵，这个我印象里只在英文小说里见过，倒还没到这样用的能力呢。你一定读很多吧？！

6、到了B3你说不应该给那么多资金的原因因为已经很支持了，而乡村更需要发展，这个是对的，但是后面的展开我觉得是不是还是要围绕文化发源了保存了这个问题呢？而你一直没有提到，到最后又说了要是乡村没个电大城市灯火通明又如何，就更远了。这个提的很好，比我写的要好多了。也许把B3后面的展开改成不给乡村财政支持会因此文化传统和遗产保护方面的严重问题会更加切题。我举那个例子主要是当初列提纲想到了哪个更需要财政支持的问题。看来可以少写点这方面的。

非常感谢victoriazhizhi的建议！
发现我们考试的时间就差一天啊，努力吧！

victoriazhizhiUID: 163135

嘿嘿
2。例子的衔接，其实还是你例子用的合适不合适的问题，你例子的表达能不能为你的观点服务，有时候例子是好好的，由于我们的表达能力或者什么的使得这个例子看上去像是硬塞进去的一样，这个我也不知道怎么好。改日问问别人再说的。还是在用例子的时候想着你的中心要说明什么，一些多余的描述就 不要说了，重点说这个例子的意义。看看别人的吧。呵呵

3&4，其实是一回事儿，其实我后来看出来你的TS了。因为你B2开头的however转的很奇怪，后面有hence，hence的原因和前面有些不一致。你用连接词的时候要看看上下文的意思，比如你B1说的是城市保存了文化，那你however的应该是虽然城市保存了文化，但是城市不是文化的发源地。而你又拐弯说城市是文化成熟的产物，虽然也差不多算一个意思吧，何必这么绕呢？还有你B3打头的therefore，“因此”那应该是上文推断出来的东西，你的B2写的是什么？乡村是文化的发源地，那你因此的就是乡村应该受到很多资助更利于文化的流传。你却一个因此，结果因此的是如果人们决定要给大城市怎么怎么，那么乡村就如何了。是不是忽然冒出来个大城市的问题？虽然你后面还是说的乡村，但是还是那个意思，这样的感觉你说话在绕圈圈。

5。nay我是随口说的，不知道作文用了会是虾米效果，不过你那个of course not确实有些口语了，嘿嘿。

其实整体还好了，加油！

staralwaysUID: 193479

还有你B3打头的therefore，“因此”那应该是上文推断出来的东西，你的B2写的是什么？乡村是文化的发源地，那你因此的就是乡村应该受到很多资助更利于文化的流传。你却一个因此，结果因此的是如果人们决定要给大城市怎么怎么，那么乡村就如何了。是不是忽然冒出来个大城市的问题？虽然你后面还是说的乡村，但是还是那个意思，这样的感觉你说话在绕圈圈。恩恩，我后面是有点散开去的味道。因为当时列提纲的时候发现这个题目可以说的东西还满多的（当然说不说的好是另外一回事了），所以就把想到的都列进去了。是不是还是应该紧扣一个主要的切入点，然后把文章上下的逻辑、衔接理顺这样来得效果更好呢？