求助! 各位高人给看看，这样的开头和结尾能过关吗？谢谢了！

yangtreeUID: 197483

----------题目----------
The following appeared in a letter to the editor of a local newspaper from a citizen of the state of Impecunia.
'Two years ago our neighboring state, Lucria, began a state lottery to supplement tax revenues for education and public health. Today, Lucria spends more per pupil than we do, and Lucria's public health program treats far more people than our state's program does. If we were to establish a state lottery like the one in Lucria, the profits could be used to improve our educational system and public health program. The new lottery would doubtless be successful, because a survey conducted in our capital city concludes that citizens of Impecunia already spend an average of $50 per person per year on gambling.'

----------开头----------
Should the government in the state of Impecunia begin a state lottery to supplement tax revenues for education and public health? The author asserts so. But after careful inspection, here emerged several queries about the allegation above. In fact, establishing a state lottery like the one in Lucria is insufficiently proved feasible based merely on the information mentioned in the argument.

----------结尾----------
In sum, the author’ reasoning is not well-supported by the evidence mentioned and consequently the conclusion reached is invalid. The only merit of this argument is to stimulate the attention of the mass to the educational system and public health program. As for the state lottery, further investigate is needed to determinate whether it is practicable.

----------一般因果----------
First, no further evidence is provided to prove that the facts that Lucria spends more per pupil than we do and Lucria's public health program treats far more people than our state's program does directly results from a state lottery. It is very likely that to improve the education conditions and public health, Lucria adopted some other policies such as increasing the proportion of education and public health investment. Thus, after the author offers more sufficient evidence the merit of beginning a state lottery is unbelievable.

----------样本比较----------
Second, Even though beginning a state lottery in Lucria truly supplements tax revenues and subsequently improves education and public health, it is still doubtable that whether Impecunia can make it. An analogy between Impecunia and Lucria may be logically unacceptable when the author fails to take into account possible different situations of the two, which is of significant relevancy to whether Impecunia should begin a state lottery or not. Perhaps in Lucria many people have a hobby to attend lottery; Perhaps Lucria can attract other states to attend in. All of these may be beyond Impecunia. Therefore, we cannot accept author’s conclusion before through investigate about lottery in Impecunia.

----------PROFIT----------
Third, costs of beginning a state lottery are neglected which, if included, will make it clear that whether the lottery is profitable or not. If the income failed to overweigh the costs, however much income lottery brings will mean nothing.

----------SURVEY/STUDY/REPORT ----------
Finally, the survey conducted in our capital city about expense of citizens of Impecunia in gambling is also questionable because the author provides no data to illustrate that the survey is based on random sampling and big enough samples. If so, the survey will fail to be representative so as to mean little. Even if the survey is reliable, there is no evidence to show people in Impecunia are interested in lottery and even form a potential market.
----------数字----------
Only the number of $50 means nothing relevant when its proportion in the income of local people and the population of Impecunia are unknown. If their income is far beyond this number or the population is somewhat small, the lottery market will be small. In addition, that fact that local people are willing to spend money on gambling does not necessarily mean that they will charge for the lottery.

lunaticUID: 150745

我不是牛人，但可以跟你讨论一下
开头段我觉得悬。第一，从ETS给的6分范文来看，必然提到结论和支持结论的论据，只是提法不同，而且一般比较具体，而你的开头没有给出论据；第二，ETS喜欢具体再具体，而你的开头虽然适用性广，但不够具体，比如“on the information ”那么what information？ 诚然，我们确实应该造一个比较新颖的开头，但是不能违反基本的原则


结尾段的结构还不错，但用词不好
“The only merit ”应该避免用这么绝对的词，可改为there is a merit
further investigation 也应该更具体一些，
一定要记住这个原则：具体再具体

PatrickD2003UID: 131531

同上，给我的感觉好象你的开头更适合用在ISSUE里

yangtreeUID: 197483

谢谢支持!
开头的确是从issue借鉴来的，呵~开头一定要具体的吗？需要把query的内容加上吗？

peipei_fayUID: 163182

首先谢谢你帮我看作文,我觉得你的摸板都用得比较好.
但是我觉得你虽然举了很多批判点,但每一段都没有充分的展开
这是一篇很好写的题目,但试想如果是一个错误比较少的题目,也这么写吗?
如果那样,文章就有点象流水账了,我也曾经走进过这个误区,认为错误举得越多越好
但是仔细研究了一下ETS 6分的范文我觉得最好还是每段写充分为好