[推荐]Naiba369 AW修改提高法 2 《庖奶解鼠》之开门见山 同主题2(issue36) 的开头

naiba369UID: 131655

上一次是“庖奶解狗“因为argument，较之issue还是简单不少所以，就不细分了

这次的”庖奶解鼠“之开门见山，就重点比较了4中开头的优劣，通过比较，大家可以找到自己的问题所在

P.S.

看完此文的同学，如果感觉不枉此读，还请将后面的4段替我修改一下，嘿嘿，不早了，凌晨3：11了

谢谢先//bow

naiba369UID: 131655

36"The greatness of individuals can be decided only by those who live after them, not by their contemporaries."

正文
After a long history, there have been a lot of famous people who dedicate their lives to their great enterprise and work out many influential effects. People always intend to appraise a person in any kind of language whenever they find this person’s greatness or historical status. However, people are always faced with this dilemma: whether the contemporaries or the people live after them could determine the greatness of individuals. We should not make a hasty answer and I think we have to discuss these issues as followed.

At first, the different criterions and basis decide that an individual will have distinctive comments by people from different eras, cultures, and classes. As time goes by, the society has been altered so greatly that people in different periods would have dissimilar perspectives on the same person from points of view of dissimilar ideologies and values. Thus it is difficult to integrate their attitudes and draw an accordant conclusion. Columbus, who discovered the American continent, leaded the European to explore resources and ancient civilization on this continent. His feat brings us the whole America and let us found the modern society in this new world. Nevertheless, Columbus was considered as a messenger of the devil by the aboriginal American who lived there for thousands of years. They were forced to be homeless and became the slaves for those European immigrants. In this way, the great explorer would be a Satan as well.

Moreover, people’s merits are not easily found in a short term, while their limitations are hardly to be discovered.
Van Gogh, one of the great artists in the nineteen century, as an example, drew a lot of paintings which are thought to the most wonderful masterpieces in the world at present. Even though his works are sold at an invaluable price, he lived a miserable live and often could not have a penny to buy a bar of bread. Chairman Mao, as another instance, was apotheosized in nearly three ten years after he constitute a new government in China. After his death, however, the rational people gradually realized that Mao also brought the country some misfortune such as the institutional revolution. Since he saved people from the previous autocracy and leaded them to a better life, they regarded him as a deity. At the same time, he was regarded as a mortal again for his reign ruins the later generation’s interests. So the greatness of an individual sometimes could not be found in a hurry.

The last but not the least, the comments on an individual by people from different periods will be helpful for us to comprehend and understand this person more profoundly. People never remark on another person at random. Their critiques are always based on the influence made by that person. So the people’s attitudes in different time can well inflect an individual’s importance. Not any side of them could solely determine the conclusion of a person.

In summary, it is not proper for the people from any periods to simply determine an individual’s greatness. In our democratic society, every person has his/her right to make any comments on others, especially the famous people, to express their perspectives on these people. We should synthesize these dissimilar points from different time, not let one of them decide the others.

naiba369UID: 131655

After a long history, there have been a lot of famous people who dedicate dedicated their lives to their great enterprise and work worked out 这里动词用work out 不是很好，“施以影响” 用“have/make effect”就好 many influential effects. People always intend to appraise a person in any kind of language 表达不是很地道，你的意思是“用各种各样赞美的话”，我的改法： People always intend to praise a person from head to heal.我也不知道地道否？whenever when they find this person’s greatness or historical status. However, people are always 老用always，上一句话才用完，这里又用。显得语气太强，语言贫乏，要改！！！faced with this dilemma: whether the contemporaries or the people live after them could determine the greatness of individuals. 总觉得有语法错误，自己想一下！We should not make a hasty answer and I think we have to discuss these issues as followed.

当我给你将微观上的语法和语言错误改正后，开始着手结构、逻辑上的修改时，我实在时无从下手。思路跳跃的太利害了，而我却不知道该如何下手。

于是，下面先给你摆出3个同主题，但是不同的开头，分析先：

naiba369UID: 131655

1。【老外280的开头】https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=253017

Can a person's greatness be recognized only in retrospect, by those who live after the person, as the speaker maintains? 提问式的转述题目，直接进入主题。In my view the speaker unfairly generalizes. 直接表明作者自己的观点。很明了，就是觉得题目不对，概括的有点过了。In some areas, especially the arts, greatness is often recognizable in its nascent stages. 然后叙述自己认为不对的原因，开始分范畴的论处，也为后面的分范畴的逐段分析打下了基础。当你俯瞰此文时，会发现，作者在开始段己经给我们足够的暗示，他将会如何进行下面的写作。这就是经常提到的thesis句。作用是一样的，虽然这里用的是一个句群。However, in other areas, particularly the physical sciences, greatness must be tested over time before it can be confirmed. In still other areas, such as business, the incubation period for greatness varies from case to case.后面两个句子将科学领域和商业领域具体说明了一下。

【庖奶解鼠】
Can a person's greatness be recognized only in retrospect, by those who live after the person, as the speaker maintains? 引出问题兼顾转述题目

In my view the speaker unfairly generalizes. 挑明观点，回应开头提出的问题。

In some areas, especially the arts, greatness is often recognizable in its nascent stages. However, in other areas, particularly the physical sciences, greatness must be tested over time before it can be confirmed. In still other areas, such as business, the incubation period for greatness varies from case to case.以分领域的方式，具体解释作者自己上句提出的观点。没有废话。逻辑上也很清晰，且为后续的分领域论述定下了基调（这就是thesis的作用,好文与烂文的区别）

naiba369UID: 131655

2。【雨&彩虹的开头】https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=135994

When it comes to the evaluation of a historical figure, we cannot resist the temptation to wonder who is the final judge to decide his contribution and greatness and thus attribute him with lasting value.先从一个问题入手“当我们想要评价一个人物的功绩的时候，到底谁来做出最后的评价呢？” 不能说不好，但是不很直接，这是事实。The speaker claims that it is the duty of those who live after them to decide. 转到题目中的观点I concede that in certain areas, especially in scientific field where the significance of one hypothesis or invention has to be tested and retested by later followers to justify its correctness and accountability. In areas, such as art and business, it is possible to demonstrate one’s greatness and collect recognition by his contemporaries.本意群是对上面题目观点的批驳。具体而言，是分到具体好几个领域。有老外280的影子

【庖奶解鼠】

When it comes to the evaluation of a historical figure, we cannot resist the temptation to wonder who is the final judge to decide his contribution and greatness and thus attribute him with lasting value. 非直接性回应题目，而是从一个问题入手

The speaker claims that it is the duty of those who live after them to decide. 点名自己的观点。

I concede that in certain areas, especially in scientific field where the significance of one hypothesis or invention has to be tested and retested by later followers to justify its correctness and accountability. In areas, such as art and business, it is possible to demonstrate one’s greatness and collect recognition by his contemporaries.用分领域的手法，解释自己自己的观点。

naiba369UID: 131655

3。【pooh的开头】https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=253017

When people come across such question ‘Who can verdict the greatness of individuals’, it is those who live after them or those contemporaries, People are easily misled into a dilemma. 开门见山式的提出这个命题的矛盾之处――是当代人还是后代人能评价一个伟人的功绩呢？Because they would mistake the question as: it is the time that the commenters live in that matters when evaluating the greatness of individuals and thus they are forced to make a choice between the alternatives, which may keep them from unveiling the truth. 然后继续先前提出的问题，用很自然的because链接，思维很连贯。并将题目这种倾向，归结于“评论者要和其所处的时代背景相适应”。（推断1）这其实是对题目进行分析与展开了。我觉得具有的问题是，语言过于长，绕，不能很快的让读者抓住主题。这一点对比“老外280”很明显的就可以察觉了。I propose that since the system of our cognition develops in a gradual way, and the system of our knowledge is accumulating bit by bit. 思维仍很连贯。又对推断1进一步分析，得出它的原因―――这是由于我们的“认识”与“知识体系”是逐步发展的过程。If the greatness of individuals could be realized by the temporal knowledge and live up to the available criterion, their greatness could be valued by their contemporaries; otherwise, a course must be needed to recognize their greatness as the advancement in knowledge and technology.这里就有点“绕”了。意思是，只有当greatness被当时的一个评价体系所认可后，人们才会珍视它的伟大性；反之，（当greatness没有还没有被认可时）就需要一个认可的“过程“。POOH这里想继续深化主题，但，从我个人的角度感觉，她的思维己经开始绕了。对比老外280，显得很繁琐。

POOH的思维连贯性无论在自身逻辑上还是语言表达上都是出色的，但是比较老外280来，还是显的过于繁琐，与冗长，这也许就是，我们还不是native speaker的一个具体体现。

naiba369UID: 131655

【【小结】】

这里就牵扯到中西方思维的一个问题了。（具体可看胡敏TWE的小绿书前言）

东方的思维都是“委婉的“，对比西方”直接“的思维有很大的差异。前者好比迷宫，曲折蜿蜒，曲径通幽；而后者好似笔直大到，直来直去，连贯畅通。

这里我们可以发现。开头1。2。很相似，基本从结构上都是3部分。

开头1。提出问题，直接回应题目――—》挑明观点―――》解释自己的观点

开头2。提出问题，没有回应题目―――》挑明观点―――》解释自己的观点

只不过，2。的开头并非开门见山。

而3。的开头如实说，就显得复杂的多

开头3。提出问题，没有回应题目―――》深入分析1―――》深入分析2―――》再次深入3。

从我个人的角度，我最喜欢开头1。

简洁、清晰、明了，

naiba369UID: 131655

现在再看你的开头：

【庖奶解鼠】

After a long history, there have been a lot of famous people who dedicate their lives to their great enterprise and work out many influential effects. 你也是“欲左先右”和开头2。有点类似。

People always intend to appraise a person in any kind of language whenever they find this person’s greatness or historical status. 然后以举例的形式说提出了世人的一种习惯。这句话没有什么作用、跑了。题目上讲，是当代人还是后代人可以定义greatness，而你讲的是，人们总是赞美伟人。1。这里的people指代不清，是当代人呢？还是后代人呢？2。题目用的词是determine，其中就暗含有“褒””贬“2层含义，而你只说赞扬，不谈贬低，是否不够全面呢？最起码，从结构上而言，是不完整的。抛弃了全集中的另一个区间。

However, people are always faced with this dilemma: whether the contemporaries or the people live after them could determine the greatness of individuals. 然后潜意识发现上句说的有点远了，赶快回到题目上来。但问题是：你的however是从何处“转折”呢？前后两句并没有一个很直接的逻辑对立关系，所以这里的however很是突兀！2。兼顾看完下面一句。会发现，你在开头段里根本就没有告诉读者，你的观点！！！这是一个很大的问题。开头段就是要表明观点。无论你下面是同意，反对。还是中性，你都要“挑明”了，绝不能再绕下去！！！

We should not make a hasty answer and I think we have to discuss these issues as followed.启下句

apolloxpUID: 156355

支持原创，标精

naiba369UID: 131655

up

imongUID: 140258

单论开头的好文章。大家看过都来发表发表意见嘛！

除了老外280我记得原先还在网上搜到过一些其他的文章
有时间时候也再补点东西吧。

个人倾向于简洁明了的开头
如果说一个复杂点的华丽起笔 也是要和后面的华丽论证body在一起才显得协调和有力

naiba369UID: 131655

谢谢老大呢:p

lzzUID: 117263

好久不见imong了呢

继续支持naiba
发觉我看太慢了，连载都到5了