issue162 同主题 超时15分钟

medwinUID: 189909

题目
162"One often hears about the need for individuals to take responsibility for their own lives. However, the conditions in which people find themselves have been largely established long before people become aware of them. Thus, the concept of personal responsibility is much more complicated and unrealistic than is often assumed

提纲
partly agree
1.individual responsibility is acquired for people's lives.
2.the conditions seems to be accomplished before we know the process.
3.responsibility turns out to be more confusing and uncanny, but it does not follow that it is unrealistic and of no use.

正文
Individual responsibility is a hot topic discussed in the contemporary society. The speaker asserts that the notion of personal responsibility, which is not as it is often assumed, is a quite complicated and unrealistic concept, for that the conditions where people live have been largely established before they are aware of them. I think there is need for individual responsibility for people's lives, and I concede that the conditions which form before people's awareness have much to do with the complication of the responsibility. Yet it is realistic and necessary to emphasize the significance of it.

To begin with, individual responsibility is acquired for people's lives. Responsibility means the obligation that people ought to declare the relationship to their actions and the aftermaths, especially the untoward ones. Also it includes the requirements of do something responsive to the aftermaths or results. It is such a basic, essential and indispensable virtue that it has already ingrained deeply in today's morals and laws and that without responsibility, one cannot lead an ordinary life. The reason why we work hard at schools or in companies can be described as the responsibility to ourselves, or our families. Those who fail to see the importance of the responsibility and take no account of the consequence before their actions are either disdained by the society or punished by laws.

Second, the conditions in which we find ourselves appear to have nothing to do with our decisions in that it seems to be accomplished before we know the process. When one comes to this world as an infant, he sees the environment already equipped with laws, morals, standards in different fields and various value systems. Without informed how these rules come into beings, he needs to learn them, commit them, accept them and finally imbue his mind with them. Moreover, the condition asserts a variety of forces to command people's behavior. There is always someone feels that he has to do something because he can realize the existing power or pressure pushing him to go this way, while in fact he himself does not mean to. Many compelling cases in political area, which involves corruptions, scandals and so forth, can illustrate the statement.

Third, for the complicated role which conditions are playing in people's lives, the concept of responsibility turns out to be more confusing and uncanny, but it does not follow that it is unrealistic and of no use. As the morals and laws of the society is on basis of personal responsibility, which can be well supported by the fact that the responsibility is frequently argued in the court, the ignorance of responsibility can bring about disorder and chaos to the society. In addition, we are learning how to take responsibility during the process we grow up. We are taught to look further, to consider the aftermaths, to take account of people around us, all of which make the responsibility a realizable notion.

To sum up, I strongly insist that the responsibility bears a significant, considerable, irreplaceable and positive impact to both our own lives and the society. Although the forces from outside and the condition's effects are inevitable, we should face them correctly and bravely and fulfill the meaning of responsibility.

鬼谷子UID: 159645

我占一个

comingsoonUID: 175137

觉得b3并没有太说明为什么personal responsibility是complicated
对为什么是realistic也论证的很少。
还有感觉每段之间的连接不紧凑，像是突然跳开一样。
个人意见，呵呵，如不对勿怪。

鬼谷子UID: 159645

题目
162"One often hears about the need for individuals to take responsibility for their own lives. However, the conditions in which people find themselves have been largely established long before people become aware of them. Thus, the concept of personal responsibility is much more complicated and unrealistic than is often assumed

提纲
partly agree
1.individual responsibility is acquired for people's lives.
2.the conditions seems to be accomplished before we know the process.
3.responsibility turns out to be more confusing and uncanny, but it does not follow that it is unrealistic and of no use.

正文
Individual responsibility is a hot topic discussed in the contemporary society. The speaker asserts that the notion of personal responsibility, which is not as it is often assumed, is a quite complicated and unrealistic concept, for that the conditions where people live have been largely established before they are aware of them. 【后面本来论述的就不少了，这里restate的部分可免就免吧】 I think【这个词太口语化了】 there is【a】 need for individual responsibility for people's lives, and I concede that the conditions which form【are formed】 before people's awareness have much to do with the complication of the responsibility. Yet it is realistic and necessary to emphasize the significance of it. 【it指什么，具体一点】
【同意个人对其生活负责，同意了complicated，指出complicated是conditions的影响，不同意unrealistic】
To begin with, individual responsibility is acquired for people's lives. 【这个表达似乎有问题】 Responsibility means the obligation that people ought to declare the relationship to their actions and the aftermaths, especially the untoward ones. Also it includes the requirements of do something responsive to the aftermaths or results. 【对于责任分析的不错，但是应该联系到their own lives上去】It is such a basic, essential and indispensable virtue that it has already ingrained deeply in today's morals and laws and that without responsibility, one cannot lead an ordinary life. 【提到了life，但是缺少责任就不能过正常生活不等同于责任是对于生活的责任】The reason why we work hard at schools or in companies can be described as the responsibility to ourselves, or our families. 【应该是对于生活】Those who fail to see the importance of the responsibility and take no account of the consequence before their actions are either disdained by the society or punished by laws. 【开头的观点里面你同意了need for individual responsibility for people's lives，但是这里论述的责任缺没有联系到生活上去，其实你这几句论述都可以再进一步扣到对于生活责任的问题的，论述时候要注意围绕论点】

Second, the conditions in which we find ourselves appear to have nothing to do with our decisions【你是想说我们无法决定环境吧，那么have nothing to do with的前后应该换一下】 in that it seems to be accomplished before we know the process. When one comes to this world as an infant, he sees the environment already equipped with laws, morals, standards in different fields and various value systems. Without informed how these rules come into beings, he needs to learn them, commit them, accept them and finally imbue his mind with them. Moreover, the condition asserts 【？】a variety of forces to command people's behavior. There is always someone feels that he has to do something because he can realize the existing power or pressure pushing him to go this way, while in fact he himself does not mean to. Many compelling cases in political area, which involves corruptions, scandals and so forth, can illustrate the statement. 【这个就不对了，例子是要举的，不能让读者猜，何况corruptions, scandals对于论点的证明并不是不言自明的】
【这段论述的没有问题，但是跟前后文有些脱节，应该与其他的论点衔接起来。按照你开头的论点，是说conditions造成了complicated，那么这里就应该证明如何造成的，然后再注意与上下论点的衔接过渡。另一个问题是，你对于conditions的作用强调过多，显得个人对于生活和行为没有什么责任了，而都是conditions造成，这一点也要注意】

Third, for the complicated role which conditions are playing in people's lives, 【这个没证明呢】 the concept of responsibility turns out to be more confusing and uncanny, 【这两个形容词用的不好，责任的概念怎么会迷惑和离奇呢，复杂指的是比通常所认为的概念要具备更多的内容，比如说对于社会的通常所认为的概念要具备更多的内容，比如说对于社会的责任，或者社会因素对于责任的影响】but it does not follow that it is unrealistic and of no use. As the morals and laws of the society is on basis of personal responsibility, 【这个论断可就太大了，你如何证明？】which can be well supported by the fact that the responsibility is frequently argued in the court, 【经常讨论责任也不等于是建立在责任基础上的】the ignorance of responsibility can bring about disorder and chaos to the society. 【这个例子本身就是未证明的，而且，unrealistic不等于ignore啊】In addition, we are learning how to take responsibility during the process we grow up. We are taught to look further, to consider the aftermaths, to take account of people around us, all of which make the responsibility a realizable notion. 【这个是学习责任不是责任的可实现】
【论点是反对unrealistic，结果先给了一个论断说忽略责任会使社会混乱，你想怎么通过这个论断证明realistic呢？没看到。然后又说了我们成长过程中对于责任的学习，这个怎么联系到realistic的呢？也没看出来。】

To sum up, I strongly insist that the responsibility bears a significant, considerable, irreplaceable and positive impact to both our own lives and the society. Although the forces from outside and the condition's effects are inevitable, we should face them correctly and bravely and fulfill the meaning of responsibility.
【开头提出的思路是合理的，但是B1B2B3论述的过程中都有偏离论点的现象：B1没有联系到生活责任B2没证明complicated，B3没能证明realistic。写作body的时候一定要记得你的总的论点和立场，要围绕着总的论点和各段的分论点来写。加油！】

medwinUID: 189909

多谢鬼鬼，我在改改，待会儿发上来

medwinUID: 189909

看了前面的批改，确实觉得我对于生活的责任这一概念有偏差。希望这样改了以后可以有所好转。

Individual responsibility is a hot topic discussed in the contemporary society. I strongly agree with the speaker’s assertion insofar as that there is a need for individual responsibility for people's lives, and I concede that the conditions which are formed before people's awareness have much to do with the complication of the responsibility. Yet it is realistic and necessary to emphasize the significance of responsibility for lives.

To begin with, it is necessary for people to take responsibility for their own lives. Responsibility means the obligation to admit the relationship with their actions and the aftermaths, and the requirement of do something responsive to the results. When it comes to individuals’ own lives, the responsibility can be described as the braveness to face and maintain the life conditions and even the determination to improve them. The reason why a part of students study hard at school is probably that they need a job to make a living, which is motivated by the subconscious responsibility for lives. The fact that many employees work nonstop in companies may be interpreted as that they want their salaries raised to lead a better life, which is also caused by such a responsibility. If one fails to accept the importance of the responsibility and take it on, he can hardly survive in the society.

Second, the conditions in which we find ourselves appear to be irrespective of our decisions in that it seems to be accomplished before we know the process, so that the realization of personal responsibility becomes complicated. When one comes to this world as an infant, the family situation, economy lever, social institution and culture, which have much to do with the life condition, are already determined and can not be chosen in his favor. The conditions may be formed by the effect of the history, society or government, and can make the responsibility a difficult task. An obvious example is that those who are born in less developed countries, such as the ones in Africa or Middle East, have to deal with the problems existing in their life condition, including poverty, starvation, disaster, diseases and so forth. They bear the complicated responsibility to survive. Moreover, in some Western countries, the onerousness of jobs, pressure on mentality and intricacy of the relationships in the society also increase the complexity of the personal responsibility.

Third, the complicated notion of responsibility for lives does not follow that it is unrealistic and infeasible. The conditions in which we found ourselves are accomplished with no regard of our wills. But we can do our best to make them better. Martin Luther King, a famous civil-rights leader, was born in an unpleasant condition where blacks were still suffering from injustice. He felt the responsibility to achieve a fair life and struggled for the civil rights for all the blacks. He finally fulfilled the great ambition. With a strong determination and endurance and a deep love for life, the responsibility is not an unreachable goal, no matter what the hardship of condition is.

To sum up, I strongly insist that the responsibility bears a significant, considerable and irreplaceable impact to our own lives. Although the condition's effects are inevitable and so that the responsibility becomes difficult to achieve, we should face them correctly and bravely and fulfill the meaning of responsibility.