[推荐]Naiba369 AW修改提高法 4 《庖奶解鼠》之“寻找事例” 点评so猫之issue186

naiba369UID: 131655

我们常说AW是考逻辑，考你的思维，那么从考生的角度而言，我们应该具备怎样的能力呢？

举例论证，首当其冲！！！

西方的critical thinking强调一步一步的，不厌其烦的，层层推进

而中国传统的《易经》《道德经》灌授的是一种“度”的把握

前者是从“微观”入手，层层剖析，无穷极限

后者是从“宏观”着眼，整体考虑，万变规宗

这就是从哲学层面上东西方思维的差异

而下面猫的这篇issue就恰好将这两者的碰撞表现的淋漓尽致

naiba369UID: 131655

猫的原文链接：https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=253793

颜色说明一下
1。红色，表示“错误”
2。洋红，表示“用法欠妥当”
3。蓝色，是我的批注
4。绿色，表示“很精彩的文字”

------题目------
Practicality is now our great idol, which all powers and talents must serve. Anything that is not obviously practical has little value in today's world.
------正文------
Practicality, opposite to idealism, refers to the purpose to use something. Thus I agree with the speaker that all our effects and intentions aim at the end purpose-- to utilize it, in other words, practicality, rather than simply release our time and talents. Nevertheless, I strongly disagree the conclusion drew in the topic that presumptuously objects the value of the issues which are not obviously practical today.

【庖奶解鼠】

Practicality, opposite to idealism, refers to the purpose to use something. 先下定义

Thus I agree with the speaker that all our effects and intentions aim at the end purpose-- to utilize it, in other words, practicality, rather than simply release our time and talents.指明自己的观点

Nevertheless, I strongly disagree the conclusion drew in the topic that presumptuously objects the value of the issues which are not obviously practical today.指出反对的观点。但我个人认为，你的文章写到这里不算完。应该还要有一个总结性的语句。这样从结构上才够“紧凑”。而你目前的这种写法，显的“骨头是骨头”，“肉是肉”的，没有“捏合”在一齐。我的改法：So，considering with those two attitude above, I think…

【解毕】



Practicality is the standard to measure whether something should be done or not. To mention the importance and necessity of practicality, one needs to look no further than our daily life for supporting examples. Consider the establishment of thousands of subjects; they are all originated from people's desire to understand and utilize the outside world. Also, the governments and authorities support the development of the subjects concerned with military with the purpose to utilize one day the research results. These two examples above focus on the word "useful"-- in another word, "practicality". Since the nowadays people adore high profits and short-time reward, it can be easy implied that no government or firms intend to choose some field that totally seperated from practicality. Therefore the issues with obvious practicality in short time should be taken into prior place to get funding and supporting to development.

【庖奶解鼠】

Practicality is the standard to measure whether something should be done or not. 这应该是段首的ts句，但问题是，这只说明了practicality是一个standard，我个人感觉没有起到一个ts应有的作用，那就是：统领余下的整个body。

To mention the importance and necessity of practicality, one needs to look no further than our daily life for supporting examples. 衔接性语句

Consider the establishment of thousands of subjects; they are all originated from people's desire to understand and utilize the outside world. “纯”理论分析。没有具体的例证。

Also, the governments and authorities support the development of the subjects concerned with military with the purpose to utilize one day the research results. 还是感觉很空洞的，其实这还是理论分析，没有具体的例子出来。讲government，army到底是那个government呢？没有具体到这个层次，我个人以为还是比较空洞的。

These two examples above focus on the word "useful"-- in another word, "practicality". 这里就不能叫example了，最多叫analysis

Since the nowadays people adore high profits and short-time reward, it can be easy implied that no government or firms intend to choose some field that totally seperated from practicality.又开始解释原因，讲人们为什么那么喜欢practicality。很明显没有例子支持

Therefore the issues with obvious practicality in short time should be taken into prior place to get funding and supporting to development.结尾

小结：
剖开一看，你这个body的问题就是―――说理太过于频繁，而缺乏例子的支撑而显算十分空洞。而从逻辑层面上而言。基本还是，想到哪，写到哪。不是那种“层层深入”也不是“T”行展开，倒有点“S”型，

【解毕】



However, one cannot arbitrary concluded that things not obviously practical has little value in today's world. As we know, not all things could show their potential at the first step of development. For example, the theory related to arts and literatures seems far from the mundane earth that most us people have no opportunity to be utilized to earn something beneficial. However, no one could deny the value of the existence of arts and literature. The functions of such things are hidden rather than that of science which could bring profits in a short time. They alternated peoples' life subtly, little by little, rather than bringing revolutions and reforms as the science does. Their values are irreplaceable although they are usually blamed as useless and wasteful.

【庖奶解鼠】

However, one cannot arbitrary concluded that things not obviously practical has little value in today's world.从however后面开始转折，但有点意犹未尽的感觉。还是要再提一下，非实用的东西到底有什么好处，概括的说出来。 我的改法：Since something that impractical, such as art and literature, also have magnificent effect on the progress of human beings.也不是太好

As we know, not all things could show their potential at the first step of development. 开始分析,讲：不是所有的事物都能从一开始展现它的优点

For example, the theory related to arts and literatures seems far from the mundane earth that most us people have no opportunity to be utilized to earn something beneficial. 举例。但问题是―――这是举例吗？像face off 后的理论分析。我的改法。要在后面添上具体的例子。比如：以自己举例，看了《band of brothers》，明白了战争的残酷。。。嘿嘿，忽然发现，自己的砖拍错了。你这里才提到example，又给人一种错觉！

However, no one could deny the value of the existence of arts and literature.思路再转，说，不能否认非practical的东东

The functions of such things are hidden rather than that of science which could bring profits in a short time.

They alternated peoples' life subtly, little by little, rather than bringing revolutions and reforms as the science does.

Their values are irreplaceable although they are usually blamed as useless and wasteful.以上3句都是解释你的观点了。但问题还是―――你的例子在哪里？没有啊！！！

小结：
这个body的最大弊病就是没有一个具体的例子。别看你说的多，但例子呢？例子呢？例子呢？（请允许我如此不礼貌的连续3次反问）竟然连那种自己编造的例子都没有。没有例子的支撑就不会令人信服。

【解毕】



Therefore, things not obviously practical today should also be served by the powers and talents from people; while the things with foreseeable practicality should be taken into consideration seriously. They are all components of the development of society and human beings, without either of which the society may trapped into havoc that the both the prosperity and poor happens in different subjects and fields. People may focus all their attention into something seemingly practical and neglect the normal development of the things that may needs more concerns and supports. The traditional cultural problems-- which represent the "unpractical" things nowadays, and the future of national economics-- which are referred to one of the most practical question of people should be both importantly involved to determinate the destiny to develop a society.

【庖奶解鼠】
Therefore, things not obviously practical today should also be served by the powers and talents from people; while the things with foreseeable practicality should be taken into consideration seriously. Ts句

They are all components of the development of society and human beings, without either of which the society may trapped into havoc that the both the prosperity and poor happens in different subjects and fields. 理论分析

People may focus all their attention into something seemingly practical and neglect the normal development of the things that may needs more concerns and supports.继续理论分析

The traditional cultural problems-- which represent the "unpractical" things nowadays, and the future of national economics-- which are referred to one of the most practical question of people should be both importantly involved to determinate the destiny to develop a society.再次理论分析，结束

小结：
BODY3和body2犯同样的毛病！！！没有例子，只有理论分析。当然你的这篇文章的确在这方面暴露了很多问题，比较巧和的说

【解毕】



In conclusion, although the practicality varies due to the difference in distinguished things, people have no excuse to choose some to dedicate their powers and talents while give up and overlook the others. They differ only in practicality to certain extent; but they are all valuable that deserve development and prosperity.

总结：
1。你的这篇文章暴露出来的最大的问题就是―――论证空洞，理论论证泛滥，缺乏具体例证。也许当我们看和写文章的时候还没有意识到，但剖开一看，问题竟然是如此严重。

2。还有一点就是ts句 明朗化做的不够。关于这点A.我觉得是我英语的层次还没有到“化”的境界，所以，喜欢那种思维严密，工工整整的文章。B。这点纯属个人喜好，不必强求，找到符合你的习惯就好

imongUID: 140258

"claim without support" might be a central problem in this essay.

It should be clear that, your claim is rarely something of common sense (or if it is, then why bother to propose?), and support of any kind is always needed. The support should be in the form of some concrete examples, or reasoning from some widely accepted notions, but not another unwarranted claim.

This is my opinion.

apolloxpUID: 156355

是的。论证的支撑点应该是牢固的，不容怀疑的

so猫UID: 148633

啊 MS明白了
argument里面最常见的错误
前提本身是不被保证的
明白了 谢谢楼上各位~~~