93,同主题写作,写的我都快吐血了!麻烦了

枫丹UID: 166492

issue93．"The concept of 'individual responsibility' is a necessary fiction. Although societies must hold individuals accountable for their own actions, people's behavior is largely determined by forces not of their own making."
我对题目的分析：
个人责任的概念是一种很必要的虚构。尽管社会必须让个人对他们自己的行为负责，但是人们的行为很大程度上不是自己能够左右的。

后面一句是对前面的解释，理解如下：
尽管人们强调为自己行为负责，但是由于人的行为由外力决定，因此人不需要为自己的行为负责，谷个人责任只是个必要的假设
提纲：
观点：个人责任概念是必要的，但是他不仅仅是一个虚构,而是的确存在的概念
1，        人的行为尽管受到外力的影响，但是是由其本人决定的。
2，        承认人的决定性，也就承认了个人责任的存在，他影响个人的行为。
3，        除了对个人以外，这个概念还影响着整个社会。

There is much controversy about the existence of the concept of the individual responsibility，  Is the concept is just a fiction? In my point of view, I agree that the concept is necessary to our society, but think it is not just a fiction but an existing sense.  

Firstly, it is true that people’s behaviors are influenced by different outside factors, but in fact the real factors which determine their behaviors are themselves. We concede in the society, people may face to different forces, which may come from their government, their family or even their bosses. However, which factor really determines our behavior? In our experience, the government can not, because if people do not agree with the policy of the government, they could choose to advance their suggestion to the government to change the unreasonable policy. And the family can not, if people can not agree the idea of their parents, they could choose change their opinion or even deny the family’s perspective .what is more the bosses can still not. if people do not get opportunity from their employer, they could choose to leave. Obviously, these forces should not become the ruler of people’s behaviors. As an individual who possess fixed natures and hold a certain belief, a value and ethical system, people will not just automatically follow the forces without any judgment and perspectives; in contrast, before they behave, they will ponder pros and cons, and turn to the past to consider the lesson of history, and then consider the value and mental acceptance of the behavior, and at last make their determination through their judgments.

Secondly, after realizing the existence of the self-determination of the human beings, people should acknowledge the existence of the concept of the ”personal individual”, because once people determine their behavior, they should assume responsibility to their behavior-whatever it is. The sense of the self-responsibility should be instilled into the mind of every one-who will determine their behavior. With the concept, when one is facing with difficulties, he/she will believe that the possibility to solve the problem had less to do with the outsider force than will their own nature and power, therefore he/she will take more initiative which may play an infinitely important role in overcoming the problem. The history is replete of these examples. One of the famous paragons is Mating Luther King, the famous leader of non-violence human right movement, Facing with the racial separation; he did not submit to the force from the government but chose to lead black people to boycott the unequal segregation and then gained equal right for the black people. The action of Doctor King tells people that it is themselves are the ruler of their behavior.  

What is more, besides its impact to individuals, the concept of the self-responsibility also influences the whole society. With the concept, when some one is about to do some things, he may consider the possible consequence of the behavior and think about if the consequence is value acceptance, if the result of behavior is allowed by the law for whatever the behavior is, he or she should be responsible for it. For example, when an officer is about to announce a policy, he should pay more attention to the possible response from the public, which may undermine the stability of the society, because once the policy turn out to be a bad one, the officer should be responsible for it. So he/she will be more prudent before he/ she behave. From this point, the concept of the individual responsibility is not simply fiction but a necessary theory which guarantee the harmony of the whole society.
.
In sum, since the decision of the individual behavior is made by people themselves rather than by any other forces, people should take charge for their any decisions, therefore the concept of the individual is no longer a necessary fiction, In fact it can be showed in every aspect of the world.

DriverEntryUID: 143979

标题还是要按正规的方法写把？看了下提纲，还可以。

枫丹UID: 166492

抱歉, 一时忘了
中文思想也需好,也是英文表达~~~~
写了这么久总是没提高,拜托楼上给指点迷津,看一下文章的逻辑.

sblbaslerUID: 175229

粗评！写的太口语化，而且犯了不少语法错误，这个很致命！

枫丹UID: 166492

昨晚写的,太仓促了.语法错误,我下去改,能不能把你认为是口语话的几个典型写出来,让我注意一下? 多谢了.

最初由 sblbasler 发布
[B]粗评！写的太口语化，而且犯了不少语法错误，这个很致命！ [/B]

鬼谷子UID: 159645

issue93．"The concept of 'individual responsibility' is a necessary fiction. Although societies must hold individuals accountable for their own actions, people's behavior is largely determined by forces not of their own making."
我对题目的分析：
个人责任的概念是一种很必要的虚构。尽管社会必须让个人对他们自己的行为负责，但是人们的行为很大程度上不是自己能够左右的。

后面一句是对前面的解释，理解如下：
尽管人们强调为自己行为负责，但是由于人的行为由外力决定，因此人不需要为自己的行为负责，谷个人责任只是个必要的假设
提纲：
观点：个人责任概念是必要的，但是他不仅仅是一个虚构,而是的确存在的概念
1， 人的行为尽管受到外力的影响，但是是由其本人决定的。
2， 承认人的决定性，也就承认了个人责任的存在，他影响个人的行为。
3， 除了对个人以外，这个概念还影响着整个社会。【从提纲上面来看，层次很清晰】

There is much controversy about the existence of the concept of the individual responsibility，【句号，注意检查】 Is the concept is just a fiction? 【注意检查！！后面的is去掉】In my point of view, I agree that the concept is necessary to our society, but 【I】think it is not just a fiction but an existing sense. 【开头比较简洁】

Firstly, it is true that people’s behaviors are influenced by different outside factors, but in fact the real factors which determine their behaviors are themselves. We concede in the society, people may face to 【to去掉】different forces, which may come from their government, their family or even their bosses. However, which factor really determines our behavior? 【刚才还they，they的呢，这里怎么就our了，注意一致！另外，不是不言自明的问句最好不用】 In our experience, the government can not【cannot do what? 】, because if people do not agree with the policy of the government, they could choose to advance their suggestion to the government to change the unreasonable policy. 【这个还是有待证明的，不是很现实的事情，而且，policy不是个人/政府决定的重点，行为才是】 And the family can not, if people can not agree 【cannot agree？】the idea of their parents, they could choose 【to】change their opinion or even deny the family’s perspective .what【大写，注意检查！】 is more the bosses can still not【can still not？不象话了】. if people do not get opportunity【what opportunity？be specific】 from their employer, they could choose to leave. Obviously, these forces should not become the ruler of people’s behaviors. As an individual who possess fixed natures and hold a certain belief, a value and ethical system, people will not just【按照你的论点，这里的just应该去掉】 automatically follow the forces without any judgment and perspectives; in contrast, before they behave, they will ponder pros and cons, and turn to the past to consider the lesson of history, and then consider the value and mental acceptance of the behavior, and at last make their determination through their judgments. 【这里罗嗦了，说清楚是个人的意志决定的就好了】
【基本上论述出来了，但是表达上面要注意】

Secondly, after realizing the existence of the self-determination of the human beings, people should acknowledge the existence of the concept of the【the去掉】 ”personal individual” ,【另起一句】because once people determine their behavior, they should assume responsibility to their behavior-whatever it is. The sense of the self-responsibility should be instilled into the mind of every one-who will 【can】determine their behavior. With the concept, when one is facing with 【with去掉】difficulties, he/she will believe that the possibility to solve the problem had【为什么用过去式？】 less to do with the outsider force than will their own nature and power, therefore he/she will take more initiative which may play an infinitely important role in overcoming the problem. 【这句论述的不好，都已经承认责任了，都已经with the concept了还对比外力和个人意志干吗。没有用途的论述】The history is replete of【with，感觉你介词乱用的情况不少】 these examples. One of the famous paragons is Mating Luther King, 【交配路德金？？:eek:是Martin啊】the famous leader of non-violence human right movement, 【句号】Facing with【with去掉，face with表示的是把什么覆盖到什么上】 the racial separation; 【逗号】 he did not submit to the force from the government but chose to lead black people to boycott the unequal segregation and then gained equal right for the black people. The action of Doctor King tells people that it is themselves are the ruler of their behavior. 【例子不好】

What is more, besides its impact to individuals, the concept of the self-responsibility also influences the whole society. With the concept, when some one is about to do some things, he may consider the possible consequence of the behavior and think about if the consequence is value acceptance, if the result of behavior is allowed by the law for whatever the behavior is, 【想说什么】 he or she should be responsible for it. 【应该说的是不管是什么样的结果，人们都需要负责】 For example, when an officer is about to announce a policy, he should pay more attention to the possible response from the public, which may undermine the stability of the society, because once the policy turn out to be a bad one, the officer should be responsible for it. So he/she will be more prudent before he/ she behave. 【例子不好】From this point, the concept of the individual responsibility is not simply fiction but a necessary theory which guarantee the harmony of the whole society. 【这个论点很好，把问题深化了，但是没有说清楚】
.
In sum, since the decision of the individual behavior is made by people themselves rather than by any other forces, people should take charge for their any decisions, therefore the concept of the individual is no longer a necessary fiction, In fact it can be showed in every aspect of the world.
【思路是很好的，你的问题出在论证和语言上面。论证的说服力不强，对于论点支持不够。语言上面错误太多，尤其是介词的用法。希望注意。加油！】

枫丹UID: 166492

辛苦了,竟然有这么多问题,撞墙!!.
看来下一步我要主攻论证和例证.

最初由 鬼谷子 发布
[B]issue93．"The concept of 'individual responsibility' is a necessary fiction. Although societies must hold individuals accountable for their own actions, people'..

以下省略...... [/B]

smartyrUID: 169453

这篇太让我郁闷了！今天很多任务都没有作，明天帮你改好！

The concept of responsibility is a necessary fiction. Although socities must hold their individuals accountable for their own actions, people's behavior is largely determined by forces not of their own making."
In the title statement, the speaker holds the contention that the concept of 'individual responsibility' is no existence but a fiction. Moreover, the speaker says that the behaviors of human beings are fundamentally determined by the environment which out of their control. Admittedly, one's actions are deeply influenced by laws, societies, schools and families and other exterior forces; individual responsibility exists and functions as a significant role to rule people's behaviors as well.
On one hand, the highest social animal as human being is, any individual has his specific role in a certain society. And this specific role gives one social identity and individual responsibility through education in schools and influence of ethical and moral standards. Though some times one would feel that the certain responsibility is obligation from the society and organizations rather than his 'individual responsibility' at first, in most cases, the accountability would presumably become one's own eventually followed by the final identification of his specific social identity, and then direct one's behaviors without the force from the exterior world. For example, a soldier would think it is his duty to obey the rules without any hesitation; a surgeon would consider healing the patients as his accountability; and a historian would feel it is his responsibility to discover what is behind the historical descriptions. In fact, different careers and roles form diverse individual responsibilities, which result in individuals’voluntary behaviors.
On the other hand, there are not only specific individual responsibilities in diverse areas but also some fundamental values and accountabilities, which we all human beings cherish. From the moment one can speak or even is born, the society begins to instill the moral and ethical standards, which is so called humanity in every one's mind. The older one is, the deeper influence the humanity would be. When one is just a little child, he would go directly to what he like and claim it. Then when he is old enough, he would realize that it is incorrect and ashamed. And because of the awareness of what is right and wrong, one would probably never do any misdeed again. Actually, humanity is just the common individual responsibility shared by all of us.
However, every one lives in a certain society thereby one's behavior is more or less influenced by forces not of their own making. And to operate normally, every society has its laws, though many times have differences among them. It is true that humanity plays an essential role in ruling individuals' behaviors; yet laws are necessary. Under the control of laws, people who have little individual responsibility would probably not dare to do any crime in fear of law punishment. Besides laws, for example in school, rules are also an important factor as well as individual responsibility. Nowadays, in most universities, a student who does not pass some certain courses in his four years college life would not get his diploma of bachelor's degree. So even if a student does not like his discipline, or dose not care about his GPA, the pressure of graduating forces him not to playing computer or basketball all the time.
In addition, individual responsibility and forces from outside world have overlapped parts some times. For instance, studying diligently is some hard- working students' individual responsibility as well as the pressure from schools and society.
Generally speaking, it is hasty and incorrect to conclude that the concept of 'individual responsibility' is a necessary fiction. On the contrary, individual responsibility plays an important role which cannot be replaced. However, laws and the exterior force also have their significance as well. Thus we can not put either of them aside and pay more attention to another.

smartyrUID: 169453

issue93．"The concept of 'individual responsibility' is a necessary fiction. Although societies must hold individuals accountable for their own actions, people's behavior is largely determined by forces not of their own making."
我对题目的分析：
个人责任的概念是一种很必要的虚构。尽管社会必须让个人对他们自己的行为负责，但是人们的行为很大程度上不是自己能够左右的。

后面一句是对前面的解释，理解如下：
尽管人们强调为自己行为负责，但是由于人的行为由外力决定，因此人不需要为自己的行为负责，谷个人责任只是个必要的假设
提纲：
观点：个人责任概念是必要的，但是他不仅仅是一个虚构,而是的确存在的概念
1， 人的行为尽管受到外力的影响，但是是由其本人决定的。
2， 承认人的决定性，也就承认了个人责任的存在，他影响个人的行为。
3， 除了对个人以外，这个概念还影响着整个社会。

There is much controversy about the existence of the concept of the individual responsibility，粗心 Is the concept is just a fiction? In my point of view, I agree that the concept is necessary to our society, but think it is not just a fiction but an existing sense. I agree that the concepton of personal responsibility is an objective existence rather than a fiction and also is necessary to our society态度很明确

Firstly, it is true that people’s behaviors are influenced by different outside factors,【班竹建议我们不要把让步发在开头】 but in fact the real factors which determine their behaviors are themselves. We 【这种第一人称的词少用】concede in the society, people may face to【to不要】 different forces, which may come from their government, their family or even their bosses. However, 【which能这样用吗？】which factor really determines our behavior? In our experience, the government can not, because if people do not agree with the policy of the government, they could choose to advance their suggestion to the government to change the unreasonable policy. And the family can not, if people can not agree the idea of their parents, they could choose change their opinion or even deny the family’s perspective .what is more the bosses can still not. 【你的低级错误很多】if people do not get opportunity from their employer【单复数】, they could choose to leave. Obviously, these forces should not become the ruler of people’s behaviors. As an individual who possess fixed natures and hold a certain belief, a value and ethical system, people will not just automatically follow the forces without any judgment and perspectives; in contrast, before they behave, they will ponder pros and cons, and turn to the past to consider the lesson of history, and then consider the value and mental acceptance of the behavior, and at last make their determination through their judgments. 【觉得你的论证力度不够，最好能多举个例子就不会空动的感觉。】

Secondly, after realizing the existence of the self-determination of the human beings, people should acknowledge the existence of the concept of the ”personal individual”, because once people determine their behavior【behaviors】, they should assume responsibility to their behavior-whatever it is. The sense of the self-responsibility should be instilled into the mind of every one-who will determine their behavior. With the concept, when one is facing with difficulties, he/she will believe that the possibility to solve the problem had less to do with the outsider force than will their own nature and power, therefore he/she will take more initiative which may play an infinitely important role in overcoming the problem. The history is replete of these examples.【There are myriads of such examples in history.觉得你像在说话】 One of the famous paragons is Mating Luther King, the famous leader of non-violence human right movement,【又是低级的错误大小写】 Facing with the racial separation; he did not submit to the force from the government but chose to lead black people to boycott 【boycott用的不合适，可以用resist/stand up agaist】the unequal segregation and then gained equal right for the black people. The action of Doctor King tells people that it is themselves are the ruler of their behavior.

What is more, besides 这两个咚咚一起用？its impact to individuals, the concept of the self-responsibility also influences the whole society. With the concept, when some one is about to do some things, he may consider the possible consequence of the behavior and think about if the consequence is value acceptance, if the result of behavior is allowed by the law for whatever the behavior is, he or she should be responsible for it. For example, when an officer is about to announce a policy, he should pay more attention to the possible response from the public, which may undermine the stability of the society, because once the policy turn out to be a bad one, the officer should be responsible for it. So he/she will be more prudent before he/ she behave. From this point, the concept of the individual responsibility is not simply fiction but a necessary theory which guarantee the harmony of the whole society. 【对社会也有影响，但是你的前面半段还是讲责任对个人的约束，而没有很好的论述清楚】
.
In sum, since the decision of the individual behavior is made by people themselves rather than by any other forces, people should take charge for their any decisions, therefore the concept of the individual is no longer a necessary fiction,【还是低级错误】 In fact it can be showed in every aspect【aspects】 of the world..【你的许多句子都可以合并成长句子的，看起来会帅点的】