issue130 同主题5 写了好几遍才成文,郁闷!

圣光UID: 193720

Issue130  第1篇 让砖头来得更猛烈些吧！
------摘要------
作者：寄托家园作文版普通用户     共用时间：45分1秒     646 words
从2001年2月16日13时9分到2001年2月16日13时45分
------题目------
How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.
------正文------
Considering the increasing requirements of the contemporary society for the advancements of children-the lords of the future world and the potential impetus of the improvement of our world, it is reasonable for the speaker above to claim that socialization of the children can determine the future of our society. However, as for the latter part of the issue that we have not yet found an appropriate way to educate our children to serve for the welfare of the society, I hold the opposite opinion.

First of all, socialization can give children the opportunity to improve themselves in virtue of alerting them their deficiencies and flaws. And with the more perfect children, our society can achieve more attainments. Even adults, who have mature perspectives of the exterior world and themselves cannot see all their flaws and defects, which, however, can impede them from progressing, not to mention the children. Only through the discussion with others, which can be achieved by the development of children's socialization, can they be conscious of their merits and disadvantages. Thus, they are more likely to ameliorate the deficiencies and complete themselves. With this, children can have more capability to survive in the fiercely changing society, and contribute to the development of our society. What is more, others' advice and recommendations may give the children illuminations and inspirations, which may change their perspectives, values and minds, and ultimately, altering the destiny of our society, because they are the masters of the future world.

Moreover, the capacity to communicate effectively and efficiently, which is considered the most important ability to succeed in the society, can merely be acquired from socialization. In this world accentuating on cooperation and collaboration, no one can make any meaningful achievement without others' help. Consider, for example, the members in an orchestra, the researchers in a program, and the players in a basketball team. If they can succeed, their attainments should be boiled down to the efforts of their partners and themselves. Thus, to be compatible and acceptable in a work group is vital for one who wants to be successful, which calls for the capability of communication. Without this, our society cannot improve, and the advancement of our civilization will undoubtedly be hampered. This, apparently, will influence the destiny of our society indirectly.

Therefore, through the discussion above, the importance of socialization of children should be realized. And the emphasis of it in education should be proposed.

However, there is another assertion in the issue above, which is people have not an apt method to teach children to benefit our society. I cannot quite follow this claim. What is the definition of people who can help bring about a better society? If the notion accord with the majority of the public, like those who contribute to the development of our society or those who work for the good of the world, I have to allege that our educational system is successful in educating people who can make society profits. There are more and more improvements and progresses in technology every day; the environment, although still in bad condition, is ameliorated day by day; the solution of social problems, such as crime and poverty, has been paid attention to by officials. All of these developments and amendments are originated from people who received their education in the current education system. Thus, it is unfair for the speaker to simply draw the conclusion.

In the final analysis, the socialization of children nowadays indeed determine the future of our society, for the improvements of themselves and the change in their minds can directly impact on the future society and the ability of them can determine the development of the society and affect it indirectly. However, the claim that there is no proper way of education contemporarily cannot stand, negated by the contributions the grown-up children, who were taught in the current education system, made.

鬼谷子UID: 159645

发到同主题的帖子里面吧

圣光UID: 193720

已经发进去了,呵呵,还等你改呢!

鬼谷子UID: 159645

一会要上课了，我先占一个吧

圣光UID: 193720

那就先谢过了

圣光UID: 193720

ding

鬼谷子UID: 159645

Issue130 第1篇 让砖头来得更猛烈些吧！
------摘要------
作者：寄托家园作文版普通用户 共用时间：45分1秒 646 words
从2001年2月16日13时9分到2001年2月16日13时45分
------题目------
How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.
------正文------
Considering the increasing requirements of the contemporary society for the advancements of children【advancements of children？感觉不是很合适】-the lords of the future world and the potential impetus of the improvement of our world, it is reasonable for the speaker above【speaker above？应该说是speaker claims什么什么above吧】 to claim that socialization of the children can determine the future of our society. However, as for the latter part of the issue that we have not yet found an appropriate way to educate our children to serve for the welfare of the society, I hold the opposite opinion. 【赞同前句，反对后句。一个问题，你提出的advancements of children和socialization之间应该再有些过渡和衔接】

First of all, socialization can give children the opportunity to improve themselves in virtue of alerting them their deficiencies and flaws. 【不是很同意你的观点，首先这是否是socialization的作用呢？其次，发现不足和毛病跟社会的发展有关吗？且看你下文如何论述】And with the 【the去掉】more perfect children, our society can achieve more attainments. 【有点跳跃，看了后面才知道，这句也是你论点的内容，那么，最好写在一起】 Even adults, who have mature perspectives of the exterior world and themselves cannot see all their flaws and defects, which, however, can impede them from progressing, not to mention the children. Only through the discussion with others, which can be achieved by the development of children's socialization, can they be conscious of their merits and disadvantages. Thus, they are more likely to ameliorate the deficiencies and complete themselves. With this【what？】, children can have more capability to survive in the fiercely changing society, and contribute to the development of our society. What is more, others' advice and recommendations may give the children illuminations and inspirations, which may change their perspectives, values and minds, and ultimately, altering the destiny of our society, because they are the masters of the future world. 【应该说，最后半句把你的论述总结的偏了，第一，不是所有的儿童都能主宰未来，你也说了，是具有了一定的能力和素质的才可以。第二，应该强调socialization的决定作用，而不是儿童。而且，你总结句里面改变为了的是others' advice and recommendations，是否前面需要有明确的定义，说这就是socialization才算正确呢？】

Moreover, the capacity to communicate effectively and efficiently, which is considered the most important ability to succeed in the society, can merely be acquired from socialization【论述socialization其他的作用】 In this world accentuating on cooperation and collaboration, no one can make any meaningful achievement without others' help. Consider, for example, the members in an orchestra, the researchers in a program, and the players in a basketball team. If they can succeed, their attainments should be boiled down to the efforts of their partners and themselves. Thus, to be compatible and acceptable in a work group is vital for one who wants to be successful, which calls for the capability of communication. Without this, our society cannot improve, and the advancement of our civilization will undoubtedly be hampered. This, apparently, will influence the destiny of our society indirectly. 【偏了，应该论述儿童问题，而且，如何从socialization中得到这样的能力也没有论述清楚】

Therefore, through the discussion above, the importance of socialization of children should be realized. And the emphasis of it in education should be proposed.

However, there is another assertion in the issue above, which is people have not an apt method to teach children to benefit our society. 【我觉得这样完全的分开是不对的，应该用一个过渡将两者有效的连接起来】 I cannot quite follow this claim. What is the definition of people who can help bring about a better society? If the notion accord with the majority of the public, like those who contribute to the development of our society or those who work for the good of the world, I have to allege【这个词表示没有证据的宣称】 that our educational system is successful in educating people who can make society profits. 【才提出了你的论断，未免罗嗦，而且，profits就能代表better吗？】There are more and more improvements and progresses in technology every day; the environment, although still in bad condition, 【这样的让步似乎不好】 is ameliorated day by day; the solution of social problems, such as crime and poverty, has been paid attention to by officials. All of these developments and amendments are originated from people who received their education in the current education system. Thus, it is unfair for the speaker to simply draw the conclusion. 【还是偏了，你的例子都不是儿童，而且，没有说明白教育到底带来了什么】

In the final analysis, the socialization of children nowadays indeed determine the future of our society, for the improvements of themselves and the change in their minds can directly impact on the future society and the ability of them can determine the development of the society and affect it indirectly. However, the claim that there is no proper way of education contemporarily cannot stand, negated by the contributions the grown-up children, who were taught in the current education system, made.
【首先从结构上来说，把1＋1彻底的分开使文章显得脱节。而论证上面对于socialization的问题交代的也不是很好。而且，你一直忽略的一个问题就是儿童，很多地方你把问题论述成了people，而不是children。加油！】