issue130 同主题写作，欢迎拍转，必回改

山坡羊UID: 169978

这是第三遍写130了，有缘啊！
提纲：
1社会化对于社会未来重要。
2还有其他因素，如智力知识，独立思考的能力。
3我们常常只关注孩子一方面能力的培养，还常常有错误观点，没能很好的教育观点。

总结：2、3段论证很薄弱，不知怎么论证，也没例子。

整个感觉：怎么自己在倒退呢？限时只写了300多字，这是后来又写又改的，4月1日就上考场了，着急啊！

缺点：打字慢；
没准备例子；
很多单词不会；
当然语言水平很不行就不用说了。

这么差的水平怎么办呢？请斑竹和大家给点建议，谢谢！


------题目------
How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.
------正文------
Everyone considers the children as the future and hope of our society and it is true that how children are cultured determined the destiny of society. But how can we raise our children for a better society? I concede that how socialize children plays an important role in children's education; however, we should also pay attention to develop the intellect, independent thinking, and so forth, which combined with socialization together determine the future of society. Unfortunately, limited by many our ideas and practice, we have not learnt the most effective way to cultivate children who can help bring a better society.

It is undeniable that socialization contributes much to both children themselves and the whole society. Socialization is process by which people children learn acceptable and unacceptable behaviors for a given environment. The parents and relatives usually act what should do before children to teach some basic values and ideas; school provides a group in which students can learn how to get on well with others. The fundamental abilities and morality for communication such as cooperation, respect to others and self-respect, honesty, can be instilled into children’s mind gradually. Thus, children can be better accepted by his or her group, and society can develop in a more friendly atmospheres. Without enough attention on children's ability of communication and getting well along with peers and other people, the individuals may feel confused and isolated, and the society can have more conflicts, even wars, resulting from misunderstanding among people. Socialization can prepare more acceptable individuals for society.

However, only socialization alone cannot determine the development of children and the fate of society. Socialization is just part of important ability of a well developed good citizen. To build a better society, people should train children’s intellect, independent thinking, and so forth. First, the intellectual training can help children to analysis and judge things well and be able to manage the complex works in the high technology developed era. Without enough knowledge, children will contribute little to the progress of future society. Secondly, we also should cultivate the independent thinking of children, which can help improve our society and avoid the mistakes made by leaders or authorities. People in a better society must know both how to compromise with cooperators and how to think by one’s own and be skeptical to what he or she see learns and hears. Such ability is crucial to a prosperous and democratic society. For instance, China education system used to require children to accept all that government and Party say with no doubt. And as a result, in Culture Revolution, misled by the wrong command from the superior with no hesitation, tens of thousands of students have done many bad things which hurt many innocent people and the safety and steady of society. It will be a dangerous society if people only knowing socialization with out independent thinking. Further more, we should also care for development of emotion and individualities of children, and so forth, all of which can contribute to well developed children and a better society. Therefore, socialization is only an important factor to determine what our children and society will be like in future, and we should never overlook the other abilities.

Unfortunately, we usually overlook the fact that well-developed children need many kinds of ability, just emphasizing one aspect of children education. As for government, it often stresses the ability of conforming to whole society and others for assuring the steady of country. As for teachers, they tend to care more the scores of students, which can help them entry a better college. As for parents, not only do they concern scores of children, also persuade children to learn some additional skills such playing the piano, painting, dancing, no matter whether children like it. In addition, in the society in which competition becomes increasingly intense, people nearly have no time to think what a better society really wants and what a perfect should be like. Even some of them think earning more money is crucial to everyone, and encourage children to learn what can pursue more money. In short, people to some extent fail to find an really effective way to prepare our children.

In the final analysis, how to cultivate children well for helping a better society is a complex and hard job; we should not only emphasis the function of socialization but also place enough attention on other factors such as intellect and independent thinking. Also, it is true that we have not gain a best way to raise children who can help bring a better society in future, and we should continue to strive for it.

microtfUID: 174652

首先，不要着急，着急是没用滴……    ：P
知道自己的弱点在哪里就好啊，还能怎么办，一项一项的补呗。

看了文章，说下感觉。羊羊需要注意一下段内的论证，以第三段为例，不是说不可以说其他东西的重要性，问题是你的论证是否都最终扣到了你的主题句，当你大谈智力教育和独立思考的时候，你的逻辑是：这两个很重要，（所以并不是只有社会化程度这一个东西是决定性的），后半句是隐含逻辑。问题是，这个是我们中国人最擅长，却最不容易被外国人解读的东西，他不会理解到你的言外之意而只会认为你的论证没有很好的支持你的观点。

另外一点就是小层次，感觉段内的语言展开的时候比较散，是否好好考虑一下，如何让段内每个意群之间环环相扣，而不是各自为政，如何支持段落主题句，特别是重点展开的段落可以好好考虑一下。举例说明，第二段，开头，社会化对孩子自己和社会都重要，下面我就想你应该分开讨论这两点了，如何对孩子好的，如何对社会好的，段落分两个层次。但是接下来，我又看到的不是论证，而是你的又一个观点，孩子的社会化受环境影响，然后你举例子了，学校怎么样，家长怎么样，应该怎么样，这个依然没有论证观点，而是在大谈该如何教育孩子。虽然我知道你是什么意思，你的隐含逻辑一直在说社会化，但是你没有表达出来，让我看了一句，说“嗯，对的”，然后后面想看到你这一句的论述想支持什么样的观点的时候，没有了，直接奔下一句去了，感觉就是每个层次结束了就少了“那么呢……”。

总体感觉就是：第一，隐含逻辑；第二，段内论述缺乏对段首主题句的支持。如果你说段首的不是你的主题句，那就需要把主题句突出一下，明确表达出你这一段在讲什么。

山坡羊UID: 169978

microtf就是说得那么准！还可以有逻辑！
连评文章都是一个论点加一个例证，还有总结。不像我说话跳跃思维海阔天空……
羡慕加嫉妒中！

还写了这么多字，感激中……

说的都接受，而且很有用，下面练习重要多注意这两个方向了。

还会再看看琢磨……

现在一休赶紧补，阿狗也赶紧，才看50多提纲，还没正式写。

加油吧！

猫猫624UID: 171232

------题目------
How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.
------正文------
Everyone considers the （the不要） children as the future and hope of our society and it is true that how children are cultured determined the destiny of society. But how can we raise our children for a better society? I concede that how socialize children（how to do …但这里比较别扭，how socialize children可以是children socialization） plays an important role in children's education; however, we should also pay attention to develop the intellect, independent thinking, and so forth, which (+are 或去掉which) combined with socialization together determine the future of society. Unfortunately, limited by many our ideas and practice, we have not learnt the most effective way to cultivate children who can help bring a better society.

It is undeniable that socialization contributes much to both children themselves and the whole society. Socialization is process by which people children learn acceptable and unacceptable behaviors for a given environment. The parents and relatives usually act what should do (what should do 有点中国英语，改成 legitimate behaviors) before children to teach some basic values and ideas; school provides a group in which students can learn how to get on well with others. The fundamental abilities and morality for communication such as cooperation, respect to others and self-respect, honesty, can be instilled into children’s mind gradually. Thus, children can be better accepted by his or her group (their groups), and society can develop in a more friendly atmospheres (前面有a后面把s去掉). Without enough attention on children's ability of communication and getting well along with peers and other people, the individuals may feel confused and isolated, and the society can have more conflicts, even wars, resulting from misunderstanding among people. Socialization can prepare more acceptable individuals for society.

However, only socialization alone cannot determine the development of children and the fate of society. Socialization is just part of important ability of a well developed good citizen. To build a better society, people should train children’s intellect, independent thinking, and so forth. First, the intellectual training can help children to analysis and judge things well and be able to manage the complex works in the high technology developed era. Without enough knowledge , children will contribute little to the progress of future society. Secondly, we also should cultivate the independent thinking of children, which can help improve our society and avoid the mistakes made by leaders or authorities. People in a better society must know both how to compromise with cooperators and how to think by one’s own and be skeptical to what he or she see learns and hears. Such ability is crucial to a prosperous and democratic society. For instance, China education system used to require children to accept all that government and Party say with no doubt. And as a result, in Culture Revolution, misled by the wrong command from the superior with no hesitation, tens of thousands of students have done many bad things which hurt many innocent people and the safety and steady of society.(这个例子不太好，应该指出缺乏独立思考的后果，例如缺乏创新等等) It will be a dangerous society if people only knowing socialization with out independent thinking. Further more, we should also care for development of emotion and individualities of children, and so forth, all of which can contribute to well developed children and a better society. Therefore, socialization is only an important factor to determine what our children and society will be like in future, and we should never overlook the other abilities. （这段思路很好，提出socialization的不足和其他的很多方面，但是既然是延伸性的是不是应该稍微再简略点）

Unfortunately, we usually overlook the fact that well-developed children need many kinds of ability, just emphasizing one aspect of children education. As for government, it often stresses the ability of conforming to whole society and others for assuring the steady of country. As for teachers, they tend to care more the scores of students, which can help them entry a better college （这个定语从句只代容易让人误解，可以把前面换成students’ scores）. As for parents, not only do they concern scores of children, (but 可以去掉吗？not only…. but also) also persuade children to learn some additional skills such playing the piano, painting, dancing, no matter whether children like it. In addition, in the society in which competition becomes increasingly intense, people nearly have no time to think what a better society really wants and what a perfect should be like. Even some of them think earning more money is crucial to everyone, and encourage children to learn what can pursue more money. In short, people to some extent fail to find an really effective way to prepare our children. (这一段完全没有提到socialization，是不是应该有多顾及，而且这段语言不如前面，是不是写累了)

In the final analysis, how to cultivate children well for helping a better society is a complex and hard job; we should not only emphasis the function of socialization but also place enough attention on other factors such as intellect and independent thinking. Also, it is true that we have not gain a best way to raise children who can help bring a better society in future, and we should continue to strive for it.

作者文章写得还可以，很少有错误。只是行文有点散，加油！！！
我也写了，和你的思路很像，欢迎拍砖。

sailing_yfUID: 150982

我也写了于楼主不同，按1＋1的方式来写的提纲如下
B1部分同意
B2孩子决定未来
B3我们掌握了教育的技巧和本质
B4反过来说没有教育的危害
欢迎拍砖

mondiaUID: 193825

No.1 issue130 同主题写作，欢迎拍转，必回改
这是第三遍写130了，有缘啊！
提纲：
1社会化对于社会未来重要。
2还有其他因素，如智力知识，独立思考的能力。
3我们常常只关注孩子一方面能力的培养，还常常有错误观点，没能很好的教育观点。

总结：2、3段论证很薄弱，不知怎么论证，也没例子。

整个感觉：怎么自己在倒退呢？限时只写了300多字，这是后来又写又改的，4月1日就上考场了，着急啊！

缺点：打字慢；
没准备例子；
很多单词不会；
当然语言水平很不行就不用说了。

这么差的水平怎么办呢？请斑竹和大家给点建议，谢谢！


------题目------
How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.
------正文------
Everyone considers the children as the future and hope of our society and it is true that how children are cultured determined the destiny of society.不错！（第二个and是不是再处理一下） But how can we raise our children for a better society? I concede that how socialize children plays an important role in children's education; however, we should also pay attention to develop thetheir intellect, independent thinking, and so forth, which combined with socialization together determine the future of society. Unfortunately, limited by many去掉更通顺吧 our ideas and practice, we have not learnt the most effective way to cultivate children who can help bring a better society.

It is undeniable that socialization contributes much to bothboth tochildren themselves and the whole society. Socialization is process by which people children learn acceptable and unacceptable behaviors for a given environment.? The parents and relatives usually act what should do before children to teach some basic values and ideas; school provides a group in which students can learn how to get on well with others. The fundamental abilities and morality for communication such as cooperation, respect to others and self-respect, honesty, can be instilled into children's mind gradually. Thus, children can be better accepted by his or her group, and society can develop in a more friendly atmospheres. Without enough attention on children's ability of communication and getting well along with peers and other people, the individuals may feel confused and isolated, and the society can have more conflicts, even wars, resulting from misunderstanding among people. 需要把小时所受教育影响将来行为表达一下吧Socialization can prepare more acceptable individuals for society.基本知识和沟通技能/如果是总结的话，感觉上句应该推出有助"和平"才对吧

However, only socialization alone cannot determine the development of children and the fate of society. Socialization is just part of important ability of a well developed good citizen. To build a better society, people should train children's intellect, independent thinking, and so forth. First, the intellectual training can help children to analysis and judge things well and be able to manage the complex works in the high technology developed era. Without enough knowledge, children will contribute little to the progress of future society. Secondly, we also should cultivate the independent thinking of children, which can help improve our society and avoid the mistakes made by leaders or authorities. People in a better society must know both how to compromise with cooperators and how to think by one's own and be skeptical to what he or she see learns and hears. Such ability is crucial to a prosperous and democratic society. For instance, China education system used to require children to accept all that government and Party say with no doubt. And as a result, in Culture Revolution, misled by the wrong command from the superior with no hesitation, tens of thousands of students have done many bad things which hurt many innocent people and the safety and steady of society. It will be a dangerous society if people only knowing socialization with out independent thinking.重点：独立思考和批判精神 Further more, we should also care for development of emotion and individualities of children, and so forth, all of which can contribute to well developed children and a better society. Therefore, socialization is only an important factor to determine what our children and society will be like in future, and we should never overlook the other abilities.

上面论证前一句

Unfortunately, we usually overlook the fact that well-developed children need many kinds of ability, just emphasizing one aspect of children education. As for government, it often stresses the ability of conforming to whole society and others for assuring the steady of country. As for teachers, they tend to care more the scores of students, which can help them entry a better college. As for parents, not only do they concern scores of children, also persuade children to learn some additional skills such playing the piano, painting, dancing, no matter whether children like it. In addition, in the society in which competition becomes increasingly intense, people nearly have no time to think what a better society really wants and what a perfect should be like. Even some of them think earning more money is crucial to everyone, and encourage children to learn what can pursue more money.黑镜头 In short, people to some extent fail to find an really effective way to prepare our children.不妨把前几段的例子拿来作为论据，进一步分析其产生原因是：儿童所受不全面的培养

In the final analysis, how to cultivate children well for helping a better society is a complex and hard job; we should not only emphasison the function of socialization but also place enough attention on other factors such as intellect and independent thinking. Also, it is true that we have not gain a best way to raise children who can help bring a better society in future, and we should continue to strive for it.


我也是四月group one 的，
一起努力

ZEALPALADINUID: 192560

Everyone considers the[] children as the future and hope of our society and it is true that how children are cultured determined the destiny of society. But how can we raise our children for a better society? I concede that how [to]socialize children plays an important role in children's education; however, we should also pay attention to develop the intellect, independent thinking, and so forth, which combined with socialization together determine the future of society. Unfortunately, limited by many our [outdated]ideas and practice, we have not learnt the most effective way to cultivate children who can help bring a better society.[反对A也反对B]

It is undeniable that socialization contributes much to both children themselves and the whole society. Socialization is [a]process by which people children[???] learn acceptable and unacceptable behaviors for a given environment. The parents and relatives usually act what should do before children to teach some basic values and ideas; school provides a group in which students can learn how to get on well with others. The fundamental abilities and morality for communication such as cooperation, respect to others and self-respect, honesty, can be instilled into children’s mind gradually. Thus, children can be better accepted by his or her group, and society can develop in a more friendly atmospheres. Without enough attention on[to] children's ability of communication and getting well along with peers and other people, the individuals[when they grow up] may feel confused and isolated, and the society can have more conflicts, even wars, resulting from misunderstanding among people. Socialization can prepare more acceptable individuals for society.[强调孩子社会化的重要]

However, only socialization alone cannot determine the development of children and the fate of society. Socialization is just part of important ability of a well developed good[] citizen. To build a better society, people should train children’s intellect, independent thinking, and so forth. First, the intellectual training can help children to analysis and judge things well and be able to manage the complex works in the high technology developed era[highly-developed technology era]. Without enough[such] knowledge, children will contribute little to the progress of future society. Secondly, we also should cultivate the independent thinking of children, which can help improve our society and avoid the mistakes made by leaders or authorities. People in a better society must know both how to compromise with cooperators and how to think by one’s own and be skeptical to what he or she see learns and hears. Such ability is crucial to a prosperous and democratic society. For instance, China education system used to require children to accept all that government and Party say with no doubt. And as a result, in Culture Revolution, misled by the wrong command from the superior with no hesitation, tens of thousands of students have done many bad[outrageous] things which hurt many innocent people and the safety and steady of society. It will be a dangerous society if[with] people only knowing socialization with out independent thinking. Further more, we should also care for development of emotion and individualities of children, and so forth, all of which can contribute to well developed children and a better society. Therefore, socialization is only an important factor to determine what our children and society will be like in future, and we should never overlook the other abilities.[阐述其他教育同样重要]

Unfortunately, we usually overlook the fact that well-developed children need many kinds of ability[abilities], just emphasizing one aspect of children education. As for government[which government?], it often stresses the ability of conforming to whole society and others for assuring the steady of country[which country?]. As for teachers, they tend to care more the scores of students, which can help them entry[enter] a better college. As for parents, not only do they concern scores of children, also persuade children to learn some additional skills such[as] playing the piano, painting, dancing, no matter[giving no consideration to] whether children like it. In addition, in the society in which competition becomes increasingly intense, people nearly have no time to think what a better society really wants and what a perfect[one] should be like. Even some of them think earning more money is crucial to everyone, and encourage children to learn what can pursue more money. In short, people to some extent fail to find an really effective way to prepare our children.[反对B，感觉论证比较weak]

In the final analysis, how to cultivate children well for helping a better society is a complex and hard job; we should not only emphasis the function of socialization but also place[pay] enough attention on other factors such as intellect and independent thinking. Also, it is true that we have not gain a best way to raise children who can help bring a better society in future, and we should continue to strive for it.



[总体感觉是语言方面需要加强，语法错误过多一定会影响分数，论证方面没有更多的意见了，能够写出这么多字来是需要鼓励一下的，我只写了三百多字：（]

枫丹UID: 166492

How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.
------正文------
Everyone considers the children as the future and hope of our society and it is true that how children are cultured determined the destiny of society. But how can we raise our children for a better society? I concede that how socialize children plays an important role in children's education; however, we should also pay attention to develop the intellect, independent thinking, and so forth, which combined with socialization together determine the future of society. (你让步说社会化在教育方面作用重大，然后说结合智力，独立思考能力等，决定社会的未来，前后两句的逻辑关系不大啊？感觉有点散)Unfortunately, limited by many our ideas and practice, we have not learnt the most effective way to cultivate children who can help bring a better society.

It is undeniable that socialization contributes much to both children themselves and the whole society. Socialization is process by which people children learn acceptable and unacceptable behaviors for a given environment. The parents and relatives usually act what should do before children to teach some basic values and ideas;（the） school provides a group in which students can learn how to get on well with others.(这句表达不清楚的说) The fundamental abilities and morality for communication such as cooperation, respect to others and self-respect, honesty, can be instilled into children’s mind gradually. Thus, children can be better accepted by his or her group, and society can develop in a more friendly atmospheres. Without enough attention on children's ability of communication and getting well along with peers and other people, the individuals may feel confused and isolated, and the society can have more conflicts, even wars, resulting from misunderstanding among people. Socialization can prepare more acceptable individuals for society.（这段说社会化对社会的影响有些太笼统了，我个人建议楼主在写一个分论点时，不求全单求准，如果要说的太多反而影响了自己的说服力）

However, only socialization alone cannot determine the development of children and the fate of society. Socialization is just part of important ability of a well developed good citizen. To build a better society, people should train children’s intellect, independent thinking, and so forth. First, the intellectual training can help children to analysis and judge things well and be able to manage the complex works in the high technology developed era. Without enough knowledge, children will contribute little to the progress of future society. Secondly, we also should cultivate the independent thinking of children, which can help improve our society and avoid the mistakes made by leaders or authorities. People in a better society must know both how to compromise with cooperators and how to think by one’s own and be skeptical to what he or she see learns and hears. Such ability is crucial to a prosperous and democratic society. For instance, China education system used to require children to accept all that government and Party say with no doubt. And as a result, in Culture Revolution, misled by the wrong command from the superior with no hesitation, tens of thousands of students have done many bad things which hurt many innocent people and the safety and steady of society. It will be a dangerous society if people only knowing socialization with out independent thinking. Further more, we should also care for development of emotion and individualities of children, and so forth, all of which can contribute to well developed children and a better society.（还是太抽象，没深入进去） Therefore, socialization is only an important factor to determine what our children and society will be like in future, and we should never overlook the other abilities.（the 去掉）
（关于文化大革命，似乎山坡羊经常在用，不过用的时候要小心，说清楚，论明白，由于它复杂的历史背景，老外可能会比较迷惑，还是上面的建议论述到位。当然是我的个人意见。）

Unfortunately, we usually overlook the fact that well-developed children need many kinds of ability, just emphasizing one aspect of children education. As for government, it often stresses the ability of conforming to whole society and others for assuring the steady of country. As for teachers, they tend to care more the scores of students, which can help them entry a better college. As for parents, not only do they concern scores of children, also persuade children to learn some additional skills such playing the piano, painting, dancing, no matter whether children like it.（单复数要注意） In addition, in the society in which competition becomes increasingly intense, people nearly have no time to think what a better society really wants and what a perfect should be like. Even some of them think earning more money is crucial to everyone, and encourage children to learn what can pursue more money. In short, people to some extent fail to find an really effective way to prepare our children.
（由于前面社会化和社会的关系没论述清楚，导致这一段有些散了）

In the final analysis, how to cultivate children well for helping a better society is a complex and hard job; we should not only emphasis the function of socialization but also place enough attention on other factors such as intellect and independent thinking. Also, it is true that we have not gain a best way to raise children who can help bring a better society in future, and we should continue to strive for it.
好的地方不多说，只说意见， 我认为你的文章最大的一个问题是要说的东西太多，这些东西还都比较抽象，象独立思考，develop  emotion 都不是一两句就说清楚的，导致整个文章停留在表面，没有深入的感觉。建议你的论题和每一段的分论点 尽量作到specific，使论述有方向感。
当然如果你认为我的想法有问题，一定要告诉我啊！！！多讨论！！

山坡羊UID: 169978

感激楼上几位！
说的东西正在琢磨中，尤其枫丹说的论述不全的问题是我的大问题，改之。
语言实在不好……

这几天状态不好，现在开始奋发图强了！

我要回拍了，诸位不要喊疼……