Issue46 高频 帮忙看看 留链接必回拍

AutoseaUID: 192045

限时写了差不多600字，又改了45分钟，只剩不到500字了，不知道有没有4分？
"While some leaders in government, sports, industry, and other areas attribute their success to a well-developed sense of competition, a society can better prepare its young people for leadership by instilling in them a sense of cooperation."

In this era of fierce competitions in various areas, some leaders ascribe their success to a well-developed sense of competition. However, in fact, when facing competitions leaders often embrace cooperation rather than competition in order to gain competitive edge. Therefore, I contend that a society can better prepare its young people for leadership by inculcating them with a good sense of cooperation.

To begin with, nowadays, in the society one can hardly succeed only on his or her own. For example, no scientist alone can analyze human genome sequence; without cooperating with others no politician is able to win the presidential election. Some sociologists even predict that in the future only through intensive and extensive cooperation the society can eliminate the world’s most persistent social problems such as pollution, AIDS, and drugs. Thus, people need cooperation in order to achieve success today and even in future. Since students are the future of the society, the society should imbue them with a sense of cooperation. By doing so the society can expect its young people to be leaders with a sound sense of cooperation and help to bring about a better society. If the society does not teach students cooperation, they may not be effective leaders and hence cannot achieve individual success let alone make great contributions to the well-being of the society. Thus, the society should indoctrinate its young people a sense of cooperation so that they can better function in future.

Moreover, competition may be detrimental to the society. A survey conducted by researchers of business management in my university shows that the competitive incentives adopted by many companies to galvanize their managers' efficiency often put sand in the wheels of communication among them and lead to mistrusts between them, which not only reduce the morale of managers but also make the overall performance of companies declined. Although this survey focused only on business world, more and more studies indicate that in other areas like government, science, and sport competitions also have the similar aftermath. As a result, many social institutions are always trying to avoid competitions. For example, business magnates, lawyers, workers, soccer players, and even students have established some kind of association in order to prevent competitions. Students will obviously be involved in these social activities and may become leaders in their fields when they grow older, therefore, if they learn much about competition, they cannot obtain better preparation for leadership.

In sum, students who are at the best age of forming their senses should be imbued with a sense of cooperation more than a sense of competition so that they can be better prepared for the future leadership. Therefore, our educational system should abolish today's competitive incentives like scoring system that only rewards a very small proportion of students A's and establish new institutions to encourage cooperation among students in order to prepare them to be effective leaders in future.

流浪的失魂者UID: 177646

先看了第一段，大概的意见如下：
In this era of fierce competitions in various areas(这句读起来不是很顺，是否能再改一下？不过我没找到合适的改法，再斟酌一下吧。), some leaders ascribe their success to a well-developed sense of competition. However, in fact, when facing competitions leaders often embrace cooperation rather than competition in order to gain competitive edge.(competitive edge什么意思？如果我没理解错，你应该是想写增加竞争力吧？) Therefore, I contend that a society can better prepare its young people for leadership by inculcating them with a good sense of cooperation.（我觉得用it is better to……in the society的句式更好一些，说成a society can better prepare …….算是中式英语吧？个人意见）

下边的内容还在看……

流浪的失魂者UID: 177646

时间关系，下边的没有看完，但是我把我感觉到的出现比较多的问题先提出来，我觉得你的句子内部的短语顺序应该好好调整一下，细致的地方我不说了，你自己可以发现一下，很多地方都是这样。
新手一个，不知道说得对不对，还请多包涵。

AutoseaUID: 192045

谢谢！
competitive edge 是竞争优势的意思，我看到一篇老外的报刊文章上这样写的。
我的那个论点就是题目的原话。文章里面有些语句确实不怎么地道，我也没怎么注意语言的问题，下次要注意一下。