issue130 同主题写作 请多指教 欢迎互批

virathenaUID: 191035

Issue130  第9篇 让砖头来得更猛烈些吧！
------摘要------
作者：寄托家园作文版普通用户     共用时间：57分27秒     606 words
从2005年2月19日19时35分到2005年2月19日20时57分
------题目------
How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.
------正文------
The speaker asserts that the destiny of society depends on how children are socialized. I agree with him insofar as the socialization is an important part to children and the development of society, but socialization, as it seems to me, is only one of the ingredients on the recipe of the prosperity of society. And whether the way in which we raise children is appropriate relies on a lot of factors other than children's socialization.

Admittedly, socialization of children plays an essential role in an era which dominates by the communication among people and the circulation of information. In this society, we should learn how to behave in a way that is acceptable and how to spend time with others in a friendly way, as what 'socialize' means to me. We do not wish to see a society full of independent ideas that incompatible with each other, or independent individual out of harmony with each other, and what we want to see is a harmonious world that one could get along with others. Therefore, children, regarded as the future of our society, should be well socialized so as to keep the peace and harmony of society that left by their former generation.

However, socialization of the children is not the mere factor that decides the destiny of our society, and for me, this is just a factor that is intended primary for the need to be a societal creature. On the other hand, being as individuals, children should also develop other abilities and characters primary for themselves. This is not to say, that children should be selfish to take care for only themselves with no regard to other's opinion, but instead, that children should develop some other factors which also contribute to the well-development of society. Innumerous factors can be used to support my view, such as persistence in the face of difficulty, intellectual and critical thinking, loyalty and so on. For instance, I cannot make more than the wildest guess that how Roosevelt would be without his power of will to overcome his physical infirmities and what history will tell us about America without his presidency. And his will sprang, as far as I am concerned, primary from the courage of his inner conviction rather than from the influence of society.

Moreover, if the socialization does not the exclusive factor that leads to the prosperity of society, then multiple elements should be taken into consideration when it comes into the question that whether we raise children in a proper way. Consider, the cooperation such as the former Soviet Union and the U.S. did on space research, which make our view toward space advanced a great step; or the independent idea such as Einstein's relativism which did not only change the frame of physics but also change the way we think about time and space of the world, how can we conclude that the society does not run in a better way? So, as I see it, both the socialization of children or the formation of their other ability contribute to the prosperity of society, for as an part of the whole society, the talent or character of each individual will at last become merged in the river of the whole society's development.

In sum, I concede that how children are socialized really plays an important part in this world that needs cooperation or tolerance. Yet without doubt this is not the mere factor that helps society become a better one, and other individual feature should be paid attention to. So, when we talk about the question that whether the children have been raised well by us, legions of factors should be taken into consideration.


4月4号要考了，现在想好了还用一小时才能写出来，好着急 :(

restartingUID: 195448

The speaker asserts that the destiny of society depends on how children are socialized. I agree with him insofar as the socialization is an important part to children and the development of society, but socialization, as it seems to me, is only one of the ingredients on the recipe of the prosperity of society. And whether the way in which we raise children is appropriate relies on a lot of factors other than children's socialization.

Admittedly, socialization of children plays an essential role in an era which dominates应该用被动吧 by the communication among people and the circulation of information. In this society, we should learn how to behave in a way that is acceptable and how to spend time with others in a friendly way, as what 'socialize' means to me. We do not wish to see a society full of independent ideas that incompatible with each other, or independent individual out of harmony with each other, and what we want to see is a harmonious world that one could get along with others. Therefore, children, regarded as the future of our society, should be well socialized so as to keep the peace and harmony of society that left by their former generation这段用了三个harmony，呵呵，想想其它的词吧。.

However, socialization of the children is not the mere factor that decides the destiny of our society, and for me, this is just a factor that is intended primary for the need to be a societal creature. On the other hand, being as individuals, children should also develop other abilities and characters primary for themselves. This is not to say, that children should be selfish to take care for only themselves with no regard to other's opinion, but instead, that children should develop some other factors which also contribute to the well-development of society. Innumerous factors can be used to support my view, such as persistence in the face of difficulty, intellectual and critical thinking, loyalty and so on. For instance, I cannot make more than the wildest guess that how Roosevelt would be without his power of will to overcome his physical infirmities and what history will tell us about America without his presidency. And his will sprang, as far as I am concerned, primary from the courage of his inner conviction rather than from the influence of society.

Moreover, if the socialization does not the exclusive factor that leads to the prosperity of society, thenthen可以不要吧 multiple elements should be taken into consideration when it comes into the question that whether we raise children in a proper way. Consider, the cooperation such as the former Soviet Union and the U.S. did on space research, which make our view toward space advanced a great step; or the independent idea such as Einstein's relativism which did not only change the frame of physics but also change the way we think about time and space of the world, how can we conclude that the society does not run in a better way? So, as I see it, both the socialization of children or the formation of their other ability contribute to the prosperity of society, for as an part of the whole society, the talent or character of each individual will at last become merged in the river of the whole society's development.除了社会化其它能力也很关键。Ok，我同意。但是我觉得你最好能够具体指出这些能力是什么，比如说想象力、知识等等。Ps: 你这段想论证“评价我们是否很好的养育孩子时，要综合考虑这些因素”这个论点吗？我怎么没有看出来。

In sum, I concede that how children are socialized really plays an important part in this world that needs cooperation or tolerance. Yet without doubt this is not the mere factor that helps society become a better one, and other individual feature should be paid attention to. So用so不太formal,改成therefore或者thereby都行，上面这段也有一句有这个问题, when we talk about the question that whether the children have been raised well by us, legions of factors should be taken into consideration.
思路比较清楚啊，语言也不错。呵呵，还有半个月可以努力，别急，take it easy!

virathenaUID: 191035

:) 嗯，有道理，我改改哈 :p
3x

ZEALPALADINUID: 192560

The speaker asserts that the destiny of society depends on how children are socialized. I agree with him insofar as the socialization is an important part to children and the development of society, but socialization, as it seems to me, is only one of the ingredients on the recipe of the prosperity of society. And whether the way in which we raise children is appropriate relies on a lot of factors other than children's socialization.[中立的观点]

Admittedly, socialization of children plays an essential role in an era which dominates by the communication among people and the circulation of information. In this society, we should learn how to behave in a way that is acceptable and how to spend time with others in a friendly way, as what 'socialize' means to me.[定义socialize] We do not wish to see a society full of independent ideas that incompatible with each other, or independent individual out of harmony with each other, and what we want to see is a harmonious world that one could get along with others. Therefore, children, regarded as the future of our society, should be well socialized so as to keep the peace and harmony of society that left by their former generation.[先让步，强调社会化的重要性]

However, socialization of the children is not the mere factor that decides the destiny of our society, and for me, this is just a factor that is intended primary[primarily] for the need to be a societal creature. On the other hand, being as individuals, children should also develop other abilities and characters primary for themselves. This is not to say, that children should be selfish to take care for only themselves with no regard to other's opinion, but instead, that children should develop some other factors which also contribute to the well-development of society. Innumerous factors can be used to support my view, such as persistence in the face of difficulty, intellectual and critical thinking, loyalty and so on. For instance, I cannot make more than the wildest guess that how Roosevelt[which Roosevelt do you refer to?] would be without his power of will to overcome his physical infirmities and what history will[would] tell us about America without his presidency. And his will sprang, as far as I am concerned, primary from the courage of his inner conviction rather than from the influence of society.[论证其他因素同样影响社会的命运]

Moreover, if the socialization does[is] not the exclusive factor that leads to the prosperity of society, then multiple elements should be taken into consideration when it comes into the question that whether we raise children in a proper way. Consider, the cooperation such as the former Soviet Union and the U.S. did on space research, which make[made] our view toward space advanced[advance] a great step; or the independent idea such as Einstein's relativism which did not only change the frame of physics but also change the way we think about time and space of the world, how can we conclude that the society does not run in a better way? So, as I see it, both the socialization of children or the formation of their other ability contribute to the prosperity of society, for as an part of the whole society, the talent or character of each individual will at last become merged in the river of the whole society's development.[这部分的两个例子感觉并不能很好的证明我们已经知道如何教育孩子建设更好的社会]

In sum, I concede that how children are socialized really plays an important part in this world that needs cooperation or tolerance. Yet without doubt this[it] is not the mere factor that helps society become a better one, and other individual feature should be paid attention to. So, when we talk about the question that whether the children have been raised well by us, legions of factors should be taken into consideration.


[语法方面需要提高，论证还可以。总体上来讲，这个题目不好写，我昨晚写了两个小时，结果只有三百多字，今天修改后再贴出来。感觉上你的思路是比较扣题的，但例子的选择及论证过程应该还可以做的更好一些，我要向你学习]