第一篇issue51同主题写作 请提示（写谢谢了，必回拍）

ioiwinUID: 183956

这是我写的第一篇写了快２个小时，看了一些有关平分的标准，但还不是特别清楚，请提示，谢谢．大概６００字．
提纲：
１．不可否认兴趣有趣有助于学习知识
２．学习知识并不是衡量教育是否有效的唯一标准
３．满足所有学生的个人兴趣和需要不现实

Will education be truly effective only when it is specificlly　designed to meet the individual needs and interests of all students? The speaker claims so. However in my opinion, the speaker is too extreme in two aspects. First, individual needs and interests might play a role in the learning of the students, however it does not amount to all the factors that are required to justify the effectiveness of education; Second, satisfying all the individual needs and interests of all students might be impractical.

Admittedly, meeting the individual needs and interests might contribute to the learning, which might be one of the criteria to judge the effectiveness of education. Interests could help us learn more and learn faster.  Plato, once said, "Let education be a sort of amusement, you can then be better able to find you natural bent." And a recent survey conducted by the psychologies department of the Peking University has showed interest could help enhance the academic performance of the students. The subjects were those who transferred from the majors they did not show much interest in to majors that they wanted to devote to. 93 percent of them improved their academic performances greatly after the transfer.
Understandably, education focuses on individual interest could help students to fulfill their potential to acquire more knowledge and grasping them more readily.

Nevertheless, we can not equate how much knowledge the students have learned to all the criteria needed to justify an effective education. After all, the purposes of education include not only transferring knowledge but also helping students to develop into a well-rounded person. Image that a student who has grasped a great deal of a specific knowledge in a college, but shows little respect to others and always isolates from others, how could him to take advantage of his expertise to serve to a projects which needs cooperative efforts. Thus, what he has learned would be meaningfulness in that he might not be able to communicate with others about his thoughts due to his character. Therefore, not only would education have to impart knowledge but also to teach students to respect others and to deal with the relations with others, since we now live in a world in which corporation is indispensable. In short, meeting the individual interest could not ensure that they can learn such fundamental values as honest, fairness, personal responsibility, friends, family, the equality of opportunity, and so forth, all of which are basic architectures of a well-rounded person.

What’s more, the interests of all the students are so diverse that it is impossible to satisfy all of them. Common sense informs us that students’ interests vary from person to person, and some of them are too whimsy to meet. So it would weaken the equality of opportunity in that some of them could not be satisfied. Additionally,
Satisfying the various interests of all the students calls for a great deal of educational resources such as specific teachers, laboratories, specific books and so forth, while these sources pales in comparison with a great amount of various
interests. So when it comes to the effectiveness of education, we could not narrow our attention down to individuals but take into account the national education quality.


In sum, whether education would be truly effective is determined by many factors.
Education specifically designed to meet the individual needs of all the students might help enhance the academic performance, it nevertheless does not grantee the necessary quality for a well-round student. In addition, satisfying all the individual needs requires considerable teaching resources, which makes such kind of education hard to implement.

枫丹UID: 166492

先帮你顶起来,明天,不,今天,,养足精神使劲拍

nora0020UID: 104886

Will [willing or well?] education be truly [authentically] effective only when it is specifically designed to meet the individual needs and interests of all students [可以去掉]? The speaker claims so. However in my opinion, the speaker is too extreme in two aspects. First, individual needs and interests might play a role in the learning of the students, however it does not amount to all the factors that are required to justify the effectiveness of education; Second, satisfying all the individual needs and interests of all 【重复了，省掉一个】students might be impractical. 【第一段用的是模板吧，感觉有点繁琐简洁点说更好】

Admittedly, meeting the individual needs and interests might contribute to the learning, which might be one of the criteria to judge the effectiveness of education. Interests could help us learn more and learn faster. Plato, once said,[一定要加上（and I paraphrase） 不加视为抄袭] "Let education be a sort of amusement, you can then be better able to find you natural bent." And a recent survey【不是很有说服力】 conducted by the psychologies department of the Peking University has showed interest could help enhance the academic performance of the students. The subjects were those who transferred from the majors they did not show much interest in to majors that they wanted to devote to. 93 percent of them improved their academic performances greatly after the transfer.【尽量用不同的修饰词，会显得语言丰富】
Understandably, education focuses on individual interest could help students to fulfill their potential to acquire more knowledge and grasping them more readily.【以上两段合成一段不是更好】

Nevertheless, we can not equate how much knowledge the students have learned to all the criteria【standards?】needed to justify an effective education[别扭！]. After all, the purposes of education include not only transferring knowledge but also helping students to develop into a well-rounded person. Image that a student who has grasped a great deal of a specific knowledge in a college, but shows little respect to others and always isolates from others, how could him to take advantage of his expertise to serve to a projects which needs cooperative efforts. Thus, what he has learned would be meaningfulness in that he might not be able to communicate with others about his thoughts due to his character【？？？】. Therefore, not only would education have to impart knowledge but also to teach students to respect others and to deal with the relations with others, since we now live in a world in which corporation is indispensable. In short, meeting the individual interest could not ensure that they can learn such fundamental values as honest, fairness, personal responsibility, friends, family, the equality of opportunity, and so forth, all of which are basic architectures of a well-rounded person.

What’s more, the interests of all the students are so diverse that it is impossible to satisfy all of them. Common sense informs us that students’ interests vary from person to person, and some of them are too whimsy to meet【这两个词不是很搭】. So it would weaken the equality of opportunity in that some of them could not be satisfied. Additionally,
Satisfying the various interests of all the students calls for a great deal of educational resources such as specific teachers, laboratories, specific books and so forth, while these sources pales in comparison with a great amount of various
interests. So when it comes to the effectiveness of education, we could not narrow our attention down to individuals but take into account the national education quality.【这段很清晰，可以说的更深入一点社会资源，国家财政都是问题】


In sum, whether education would be truly effective is determined by many factors.
Education specifically designed to meet the individual needs of all the students might help enhance the academic performance, it nevertheless does not grantee the necessary quality for a well-round student. In addition, satisfying all the individual needs requires considerable teaching resources, which makes such kind of education hard to implement
总的来说第一次写很不错了，再接再厉啊

枫丹UID: 166492

Will education be truly effective only when it is specificlly　designed to meet the individual needs and interests of all students? The speaker claims so. However in my opinion, the speaker is too extreme in two aspects. First, individual needs and interests might play a role in the learning of the students, however it does not amount to all the factors that are required to justify the effectiveness of education; （这句有些不太清楚似乎可以说,如果这样说是不是好一些？however it is not the only standard for measuring the effectiveness of education）Second, satisfying all the individual needs and interests of all students might be impractical.

Admittedly, meeting the individual needs and interests might contribute to the learning, which might be one of the criteria （criterion）to judge the effectiveness of education. Interests could help us learn more and learn faster. Plato, once said, "Let education be a sort of amusement, you can then be better able to find you natural bent." And a recent survey conducted by the psychologies department of the Peking University has showed interest could help enhance the academic performance of the students. The subjects were those who transferred from the majors they did not show much interest in to majors that they wanted to devote to. 93 percent of them improved their academic performances greatly after the transfer.
Understandably, education focuses on（应该是of ，但是这里focus 如做谓语就更不对了） individual interest could help students to fulfill their potential to acquire more knowledge and grasping them more readily.（前后并列grasp）前面的例子不错，只是最后的深化不好，因为你前面的论述都是在说兴趣教育可以挖掘潜力，对学习是一个promotion
but 你并没有说可以学的更多，更扎实，这似乎和你前面的观点不一致，你可以说：由此可见兴趣教育在于挖掘潜力，和促进学习上是有帮助的。

Nevertheless, we can not equate how much knowledge the students have learned to all the criteria needed to justify an effective education. After all, the purposes of education include not only transferring knowledge but also helping students to develop into a well-rounded person（前后单复要一致）. Image that a student who has grasped a great deal of a specific knowledge in a college, but shows little respect to others and always isolates from others, （they may be antisocial ,isolated~~~）how could him to take advantage of his expertise to serve to a projects which needs cooperative efforts. ( 这部分不太好，你是在说兴趣重要，其他方面的也重要，但是为什么重要呢？因为那些知识可以让更好的与人交流，学会respect, communication, compromise ，这里的前后逻辑你要搞清楚)Thus, what he has learned would be meaningfulness in that he might not be able to communicate with others about his thoughts due to his character. （前面只是一个假设,怎么会thus了呢？）Therefore, not only would education have to impart knowledge but also to （to去掉）teach students to respect others and to deal with the relations with others, since we now live in a world in which corporation is indispensable. In short, meeting the individual interest could not ensure that they can learn such fundamental values as honest, fairness, personal responsibility, friends, family, the equality of opportunity, and so forth, all of which are basic architectures of a well-rounded person.（well-rounded 是全才的意思吧？用在这里似乎不太合适，这一段比较混乱，你需要再理一下）

What’s more,（不要简写） the interests of all the students are so diverse that it is impossible to satisfy all of them. Common sense informs us that students’ interests vary from person to person, and some of them are too whimsy to meet. So it would weaken the equality of opportunity in that some of them could not be satisfied.
和equality的关系没说清楚
Additionally, Satisfying the various interests of all the students calls for a great deal of educational resources such as specific teachers, laboratories, specific books and so forth, while these sources pales in comparison with a great amount of various
interests. So when it comes to the effectiveness of education, we could not narrow our attention down to individuals but take into account the national education quality.总感觉由你上面的论证得不到结论啊！可以说大量的资源用于兴趣教育，使学校忽略了其他方面，比如 上面提到的综合素质等，因此~~~~，我个人认为最好不要直接出这样的结论！！

In sum, whether education would be truly effective is determined by many factors.
Education specifically designed to meet the individual needs of all the students might help enhance the academic performance, it nevertheless does not grantee（guarantee  ） the necessary quality for a well-round student. In addition, satisfying all the individual needs requires considerable teaching resources, which makes such kind of education hard to implement.(你的结尾只是对前面的论据的罗列，并没有更加精辟的总结)

竟然改了两个小时，好的地方就不说了，只说问题，第二段很不错，可是后面就逊色多了，我个人认为问题在于，你论证的因果关系理的不太顺，得结论是思维跳跃的。最好在你的论点的基础上围绕中心，在框架中论述，而且论述的时候最好有个清晰的主线，我想这就是所谓的逻辑关系吧。这是我对你作文的理解和建议，个人水平有限，你就去粗取精吧！！

ioiwinUID: 183956

竟然改了两个小时，好的地方就不说了，只说问题，第二段很不错，可是后面就逊色多了，我个人认为问题在于，你论证的因果关系理的不太顺，得结论是思维跳跃的。最好在你的论点的基础上围绕中心，在框架中论述，而且论述的时候最好有个清晰的主线，我想这就是所谓的逻辑关系吧。这是我对你作文的理解和建议，个人水平有限，你就去粗取精吧！！

辛苦了, 没搞清逻辑也是写了2个小时的根本原因,以后还请多多提点. :)

枫丹UID: 166492

最初由 ioiwin 发布
[B][QUOTE]竟然改了两个小时，好的地方就不说了，只说问题，第二段很不错，可是后面就逊色多了，我个人认为问题在于，你论证的因果关系理的不太顺，得结论是思维跳跃的。最好?.

以下省略...... [/B]

哈哈,你不要误会,我不是说你改了两个小时,是说我拍你这篇文章拍了两个小时.
文章就是要多改了,我有时会改半天呢!!继续努力!!

smartyrUID: 169453

Will education be truly effective only when it is specificlly　designed to meet the individual needs and interests of all students? The speaker claims so. However in my opinion,换一个表达 the speaker is too extreme in two aspects. First, individual needs and interests might play a role in the learning of the students, however it does not amount to all the factors that are required to justify the effectiveness of education; Second, satisfying all the individual needs and interests of all students might be impractical. 【观点很明确】

Admittedly, meeting 【比较喜欢用现在分词的形式，换一种】the individual needs and interests might contribute to the learning, which might be one of the criteria to judge the effectiveness of education.【含糊了，能不能分开？】 Interests could help us learn more and learn faster. Plato, once said, "Let education be a sort of amusement, you can then be better able to find you natural bent." And a recent survey conducted by the psychologies department of the Peking University has showed interest could help enhance the academic performance of the students. 【 我觉得survey不是太好。个人意见】The subjects were those who transferred from the majors they did not show much interest in to majors that they wanted to devote to. 93 percent of them improved their academic performances greatly after the transfer.【major shift】
Understandably, education focuses on individual interest could help students to fulfill their potential to acquire more knowledge and grasping them more readily.

Nevertheless, we can not equate how much knowledge the students have learned to all the criteria needed to justify an effective education. After all, the purposes of education include not only transferring 【impart】knowledge but also helping students to develop into a well-rounded person. Image that a student who has grasped a great deal of a specific knowledge in a college, but shows little respect to others and always isolates from others, how could him to take advantage of his expertise to serve to a projects which needs cooperative efforts.【这里有点牵强，只能说缺乏team spirt。】 Thus, what he has learned would be meaningfulness in that he might not be able to communicate with others about his thoughts due to his character. Therefore, not only would education have to impart knowledge but also to teach students to respect others and to deal with the relations with others【deal with others】, since we now live in a world in which corporation is indispensable. In short, meeting the individual interest could not ensure that they can learn such fundamental values as honest, fairness, personal responsibility, friends, family, the equality of opportunity, and so forth, all of which are basic architectures of a well-rounded person.【属于socialization里面，但是觉得也是有点撒的】

What’s more, the interests of all the students are so diverse that it is impossible to satisfy all of them. Common sense informs us that students’ interests vary from person to person, and some of them are too whimsy 这是名词to meet. So it would weaken the equality of opportunity in that some of them could not be satisfied. Additionally,
Satisfying the various interests of all the students calls for a great deal of educational resources such as specific teachers, laboratories, specific books and so forth, while these sources pales 【pales用的不错！】in comparison with a great amount of various
interests. So when it comes to the effectiveness of education, we could not narrow our attention down to individuals but take into account the national education quality.


In sum, whether education would be truly effective is determined by many factors.【有问题吧？】
Education specifically designed to meet the individual needs of all the students might help enhance the academic performance, it nevertheless does not grantee the necessary quality for a well-round student. In addition, satisfying all the individual needs requires considerable teaching resources, which makes such kind of education hard to implement.
【我觉得你想说得别人都明白了，也是语言上不行，太撒了！我的问题也是这，我们共同努力！】

ioiwinUID: 183956

[QUOTE]哈哈,你不要误会,我不是说你改了两个小时,是说我拍你这篇文章拍了两个小时.
文章就是要多改了,我有时会改半天呢!!继续努力!!/QUOTE]

辛苦了啊, 改你的文章学到不少东西,你的逻辑很好, :) 要多向你学习.

ioiwinUID: 183956

【我觉得你想说得别人都明白了，也是语言上不行，太撒了！我的问题也是这，我们共同努力！】

我觉的你的文章说的比我的清楚些, 共同努力！ :)