argument206 我的第一篇 麻烦高手给看看，谢谢

shanshiUID: 197459

The following appeared in a letter to the editor of the Parkville Daily Newspaper.
"Throughout the country last year, as more and more children below the age of nine participated in youth-league softball and soccer, over 80,000 of these young players suffered injuries. When interviewed for a recent study, youth-league softball players in several major cities also reported psychological pressure from coaches and parents to win games. Furthermore, education experts say that long practice sessions for these sports take away time that could be used for academic activities. Since the disadvantages apparently outweigh any advantages, we in Parkville should discontinue organized athletic competition for children under nine."


In this letter the author recommends that the children under nine in Parkville should not be continually organized to attend athletic competition. Firstly, the author points out that there were over 80,000 of these players, who participated in youth-league softball and soccer, suffered injuries throughout the country last year. To further support the recommendation, the author present the evidence of a recent study which shows the children in some big cities suffer psychological pressure from coaches and parents to win game, and also cites the education experts saying that long sessions for these sports has taken away time that could be used for academic activities. However, a carefully examination can reveal that the letter is groundless and has several flaws.

First of all, the number (80,000) is in sufficient to warrant its serious truth of injuries, because there is no reason to believe that the absolute data draw from these young players reflects the real seriousness of young players suffered injuries. If the letter wants to assess the consequence of young players suffered injuries, the ratio of young players injured must be pointed out, not the mere number of young players.

In the second place, there is no evidence to indicate that the result acquired only through studying several major cities can be representative of all cities. Perhaps these big cities' people are comparatively aggressive in competition, and therefore more likely to suffer from mental pressure. In contrast, the Parkville is a relative smaller city, and there is a little, even no, mental pressure from the coaches and parents to win competition. Without the more clear information it is unjustifiable to propose to drop out athletic competition in Parkville.

In the last place, the author fails to demonstrate his or her assertion that disadvantage is apparently outweight advantages in athletic competition, and there is no reason to discontinue athletic competition. It is possible that such sports provide the children some break leisure that helps them to have more progress in academic courses. Moreover, common sense tells me that athletic competition can enhance one person's physical condition and spirit characteristic. Besides, the dangerous and long time exercise the author cited, such as, softball, soccer, etc, only account for small part in athletic competition. Therefore, the author's recommendation of giving up all athletic competition is obviously groundless.

In conclusion, the letter’s recommendation is unconvincing and its evidence is problematic as it stands. the author quotes a unconvincing study which cannot be representative of all the cities of the county as well as fails to justify there is psychological pressure to the Parkville's young children because of athletic competition. To strengthen the letter, the author should provide such information as the injuries ratio of the young players in Parkville, meanwhile more powerful evidence used to prove that athletic competition has more disadvantages than advantages is necessary to provide.

lawrence1984UID: 178326

No.1 argument206 我的第一篇 麻烦高手给看看，谢谢
The following appeared in a letter to the editor of the Parkville Daily Newspaper.
"Throughout the country last year, as more and more children below the age of nine participated in youth-league softball and soccer, over 80,000 of these young players suffered injuries. When interviewed for a recent study, youth-league softball players in several major cities also reported psychological pressure from coaches and parents to win games. Furthermore, education experts say that long practice sessions for these sports take away time that could be used for academic activities. Since the disadvantages apparently outweigh any advantages, we in Parkville should discontinue organized athletic competition for children under nine."


In this letter the author recommends that the children under nine in Parkville should not be continually organized to attend（这里语序是不是错了,to attend organized吧!） athletic competition. Firstly, the author points out that there were over 80,000 of these players, who participated in youth-league softball and soccer, suffered injuries throughout the country last year. To further support the recommendation, the author present the evidence of a recent study which shows the children in some big cities suffer psychological pressure from coaches and parents to win game, and also cites the education experts saying that long sessions for these sports has taken away time that could be used for academic activities. However, a carefully examination can reveal that the letter is groundless and has several flaws.(这里and 并列我认为没有必要。)开头太长，这样在考试过程中会影响时间的，不过你是个打字高手，不会太有影响，但是建议你放弃这种新东方八婆式的开头方式。不适用。

First of all, the number (80,000) is in sufficient to warrant its serious truth of （这里是不是也有语序问题，不懂。）injuries, because there is no reason to believe that the absolute data draw from these young players reflects the real seriousness of young players suffered injuries. If the letter wants to assess the consequence of young players suffered injuries, the ratio of young players injured must be pointed out, not the mere number of young players.（对于数据的驳斥往往显得很重要，但是你这里的驳斥过于简单，不具体）

In the second place, there is no evidence to indicate that the result acquired only through studying several major cities can be representative of all cities. Perhaps these big cities' people are comparatively aggressive in competition, and therefore more likely to suffer from mental pressure. In contrast, the Parkville is a relative smaller city, and there is a little, even no, mental pressure from the coaches and parents to win competition. Without the（the可以去掉） more clear information （，）it is unjustifiable to propose to drop out（这里的drop out 是什么意思？） athletic competition in Parkville.

In the last place, the author fails to demonstrate his or her assertion that disadvantage（s） is（去掉） apparently outweight advantages in athletic competition, and there is no reason to discontinue athletic competition. It is possible that such sports provide the children some break leisure（请教这句是什么意思？） that helps them to have more progress in academic courses. Moreover, common sense tells me that athletic competition can enhance one person's physical condition and spirit characteristic. Besides, the dangerous and long time exercise the author cited, such as, softball, soccer, etc, only account for small part in athletic competition. Therefore, the author's recommendation of giving up all athletic competition（s） is obviously groundless.

In conclusion, the letter’s recommendation is unconvincing and its evidence is problematic as it stands. the author quotes a unconvincing study which cannot be representative of all the cities of the county as well as fails to justify there is psychological pressure to the Parkville's young children because of athletic competition. To strengthen the letter, the author should provide such information as the injuries ratio of the young players in Parkville, meanwhile more powerful evidence used to prove that athletic competition has more disadvantages than advantages is necessary to provide.
总体来说，这篇文章写的还行，我认为应该在多想想如何有利并且充分的驳斥原文，尽量省去不必要的词句。另外要注意减少不必要的失误。抱歉，我不会用修改软件，所以字依然是黑色，请包涵，如果意见不对，欢迎指正！

shanshiUID: 197459

我记得drop out有放弃比赛得意思，这里用了我也不敢确定是否合适，从你得意见中我学到不少，辛苦了，十分谢谢！