argument117 感觉越写越差，帮忙看看呀，必回拍

haze1894UID: 185775

Argument 117
The following is a memo from the business manager of Valu-Mart stores.
“ Over 70 percent of the respondents to a recent survey reported that they are required to take more work home with them from the workplace than they were in the past, since Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in the office-supply departments in the past, we should take advantage of this work-at-home trend by increasing at all Valu-Mart stores the stock of home office machines such as printers, small copy machines, paper shredders, and fax machines. We will also increase stock of office suppliers such as paper, pens, and staplers. With these changes, our office-supply department will become the most profitable component of our stores.”

In the memo, the business manager of Valu-Mart stores recommend that they should take advantage of the work-at-home trend by increasing at all Valu-Mart stores the stock of home office machines and office suppliers. And he claims that with these changes, their office-supply department will become the most profitable component of the stores. To support his argument, he cites a recent survey and refers it as foundation of his argument. However, there are some logical flaws in it. I will explain them in the coming paragraphs.

To begin with, he mentions a recently reported survey which indicates that over 70 percent of the respondents are required to take more work home with them from workplace than they were in the past. Nevertheless, the survey is first open to be doubted. The manager doesn’t points out the authority and auccenity of the survey. For instance, he doesn’t show us that who do the survey, how they collect the data, and so forth. In addition, he also fails to indicate that how many respondents participated in the survey and whether they are from all walks of life. To my certain knowledge, if only minority of people participated in the survey or if they are from some special occupation, the survey cannot represent the general situation and will be invalid.

Even if assuming that the survey is done correctly. Over 70 percent of the respondents are required to take more work to home than before but it doesn’t mean they will use home office machines and office suppliers such as printers, small copy machines, paper shredders, fax machines, paper, pens and so on. It is entirely possible that they only need laptops with them home. Even though they would like to use these kinds of machines, it doesn’t represent that they will buy these machines from Valu-Mart store. .   

Finally, there is no clearly statistical evidence showing the office-supply department will earn profits. So the manager cannot make a hasty conclusion that the office-supply department will make profits let alone to be the most profitable component of the stores.

All in all, the manager assumption is unsubstantiated and unconvincing. To convince us, he must provide more accurate information. (1) The authority and auccenity of the survey. (2) most of the people who are required to take work home are willing to use home office machines and buy them in Valu-Mart stores. (3) why will they make profits and become the most profitable components of their stores.

weinUID: 190374

In the memo, the business manager of Valu-Mart stores recommend that they should take advantage of the work-at-home trend by increasing at all Valu-Mart stores the stock of home office machines and office suppliers. And he[/she] claims that with these changes, their office-supply department will become the most profitable component of the stores. To support his[/her] argument, he[/she] cites a recent survey and refers it as foundation of his argument. However, there are some logical flaws in it(指待什么？recent survey? Argument???). I will explain them in the coming[following] paragraphs.

To begin with, he mentions a recently reported survey which indicates that over 70 percent of the respondents are required to take more work home with them from workplace than they were in the past. Nevertheless, the survey is first open to be doubted. The manager doesn’t points out the authority and auccenity[???] of the survey. For instance, he doesn’t show us that who do[conduct] the survey, how they collect the data, and so forth. In addition, he also fails to indicate that how many respondents participated in the survey and whether they are from all walks of life[kinds of people?]. To my certain knowledge, if only minority[太模糊???] of people participated in the survey or if they are from some special occupation, the survey cannot represent the general situation and will be invalid.

这一段写得非常不够充分。只是对调查表示了怀疑，但是没有反驳力度。完全可以这么写：这个调查是有问题的。首先，调查的人群、地点、人数都没有给定，其结果不值得信。比如，如果只是几个人做了反馈，举个例子10人，那即便70%的人数也就是7个，在泱泱世界里，这7人的意见根本不算什么。再有，如果只是对某个写字楼的职员做调查，而恰好这些职员是最忙的，比如IT工人，那么他们的意见并不见得能推广到别的公司，更不能推广到别的地方。

Even if assuming that[有even if 就不要用assuming that了，重复了！] the survey is done correctly[不是survery“做”的正确，而是结果可以接受！]. Over 70 percent of the respondents are required to take more work to home than before[这前面半句是重复，可以删除] but it doesn’t mean they will use home office machines and office suppliers such as printers, small copy machines, paper shredders, fax machines, paper, pens and so on. It is entirely possible that they only need laptops with them home. Even though they would like to use these kinds of machines, it doesn’t represent that they will buy these machines from Valu-Mart store. （需要进一步说明，那他们可能到哪里买呢？去竞争者那里。）.

Finally, there is no clearly statistical evidence showing [that] the office-supply department will earn profits. [为什么不可以？？？需要补充说明，比如市场赢余，竞争对手太强。另外，尤其可以重视为什么这个公司以前的销售业绩都不好？很可能就是他们的产品质量不行或者销售策略欠缺。所以他们很可能还是赚不到钱。]So the manager cannot make a hasty conclusion that the office-supply department will make profits let alone to be the most profitable component of the stores.
（这一段简直就是在重复两句话：没有证据表明他们能挣钱。所以他不能这么着急说能挣钱。太缺乏分析了。）

All in all, the manager assumption is unsubstantiated and unconvincing. To convince us, he must provide more accurate information. (1) The authority and auccenity of the survey. (2) most of the people who are required to take work home are willing to use home office machines and buy them in Valu-Mart stores. (3) why will they make profits and become the most profitable components of their stores.


总评：
估计作者是第一次写ARGUMENT或者状态不好。写的太嫩，太多结论,或者只是表示怀疑,而没有分析,也没有反击。另外注意she /he ,不要性别歧视. 先把意思表达清楚.不要可以追求词汇.
需要继续努力。多看看范文。

这是我第一次改别人家的东东哦。说的不对不见怪。回拍我的吧。

hazechenUID: 197677

In the memo, the business manager of Valu-Mart stores recommend recommended that they should take advantage of the work-at-home trend by increasing at all Valu-Mart stores the stock of home office machines and office suppliers. And he claims that with these changes, their office-supply department will become the most profitable component of the stores. To support his argument, he cites a recent survey and refers refer一般跟to搭配，这边用regard吧 it as foundation of his argument. However, there are some logical flaws in it. I will explain them in the coming paragraphs. 不赞成你开头写这么长，考试的时候会没有时间的，主要的部分还是在下面对主要逻辑错误的有力度的攻击上

To begin with, he mentions a recently reported survey which indicates that over 70 percent of the respondents are required to take more work home with them from workplace than they were in the past这里你注意一下时态的一致性吧. Nevertheless, the survey is first open to be doubted一般用的比较多的是open to doubt吧. The manager doesn’t points out the authority and auccenity authenticity of the survey这里survey不大适合用真实性来修饰，用accuracy或reliability. For instance, he doesn’t show us that who do the survey, how they collect the data, and so forth用过去时. In addition, he also fails to indicate that how many respondents participated in the survey and whether they are from all walks of life注意时态. To my certain knowledge, if only minority of people participated in the survey or if they are from some special occupation, the survey cannot represent the general situation and will be invalid.

Even if assuming that the survey is done correctly strictly. even if只是引导一个条件，不能用句号和后面的断开来Over 70 percent of the respondents are required to take more work to home than before but it doesn’t mean they will use home office machines and office suppliers such as printers, small copy machines, paper shredders, fax machines, paper, pens and so on. It is entirely possible that they only need laptops with them home. Even though they would like to use these kinds of machines, it doesn’t represent that they will buy these machines from Valu-Mart store. 这里还可以再展开来说他们不从那里买，他们会怎么样。总之，分析是越具体越好.

Finally, there is no clearly statistical evidence showing the office-supply department will earn profits. 这里最好再说明一下需要哪些统计数据而他没有提供呢So the manager cannot make a hasty conclusion that the office-supply department will make profits let alone to be the most profitable component of the stores. 这段分析得笼统了

All in all, the manager assumption is unsubstantiated and unconvincing. To convince us, he must provide more accurate information. (1) The authority and auccenity of the survey. (2) most of the people who are required to take work home are willing to use home office machines and buy them in Valu-Mart stores. (3) why will they make profits and become the most profitable components of their stores.这里还可以再写几句

考完了，来帮你看看。以后可能不常来了，也不一定碰得到你的作文了。比较奇怪的是，你怎么老练argument啊，其实这个不用练很多的，你好好看几篇范文，琢磨一下写作思路，argument的思路还是比较八股好归纳的。