Issue11 超时8分钟,请求赐砖!

thminUID: 192642

Issue11  第11篇 让砖头来得更猛烈些吧！
------摘要------
作者：thmin     共用时间：53分21秒     438 words/562words
从2005年2月31日9时26分到2005年2月31日10时53分
------题目------
All nations should help support the development of a global university designed to engage students in the process of solving the world's most persistent social problems.
------正文------
In this world of great technological and social development leading to many problems both at nature and society level, I fundamentally agree with the speaker that most persistent social problems deserve the attention from university students. However, I consider the way of all nations helping support and design a global university an unnecessary and immature one to solve these problems.

To begin with, the rationale in the speaker's assertion is that it is necessary and urgent for our college and university students to concern about the most persistent and compelling social problems. Wars, violence, starvations and poverty and so on have all been long disturbed us since the emergence of human beings. The students of colleges and universities should not only be obsessed in their academic study but also take time to think of such questions like "Why there are so many human sufferings" and "What can I do both as a college student and as a social member to relieve the pain of all humankind". Thinking about those questions alike will help the students better understand the world and will encourage them to find ways of making their contribution to the world. It is not uncommon that many universities have required students to take at least one or two courses on ethics, philosophies and politics to help students probe into some long-lasting problems.

On the other hand, do we need to go out our way to design and support a global university to have students solve these questions? As far as I am concerned, the feasibility of designing and supporting such a global university is very dim. Firstly, it is impossible to find a appropriate location for the "global university" because the solutions to social problems need to be based on the consensus and compromises of all nations without being affected or influenced by the interests or benefits of one or two country. To locate it in any country will more or less break the principles and rules to fairly solve the problems. Secondly, granted that it can be established in one country without being affected or controlled, some persistent social problems are hardly be solved by students gathering from all over the world and holding different cultural and moral values.

Additionally, I cannot agree with the speaker's suggestion for the reason that to find solutions to those most persistent and compelling problems, to a large extent, would rely on the efforts of governments, scientists, economists, philosophers as well as citizens of all nations. The complexity of the social problems is far more than what the speaker have imagined and mostly probably they are beyond the capability of mere college students and young people. Take the example of crime. Many research has revealed that it stem from the dark side of our human nature and cannot be absolutely eradicated by establishment of legal system. Therefore we need the psychologists and biological experts to penetrate deeply into criminists' mind and genes rather than ask students participate in the endless discussion for legal solutions.

To sum up, it is a poor recommendation of the speaker for all nations to support such a university devoted to finding ways and solutions to some tough social problems, though he or she may put the suggestion out of some good will to call for the college students enough attention and concerns on the well-beings of the whole society and the world.

anthraxUID: 176473

In this world of great technological and social development leading to many problems both at nature and society level,（通才专才的开头改写版，挺聪明的。） I fundamentally agree with the speaker that most persistent social problems deserve the attention from university students. However, I consider the way of all nations helping support and design a global university an unnecessary and immature one to solve these problems.

To begin with, the rationale（学到了？好词） in the speaker's assertion is that it is necessary and urgent for our college and university students to concern about the most persistent and compelling social problems. Wars, violence, starvations and poverty and so on have all been long disturbed us since the emergence of human beings. The students of colleges and universities should not only be obsessed in their academic study but also take time to think of such questions like "Why there are so many human sufferings" and "What can I do both as a college student and as a social member to relieve the pain of all humankind". Thinking about those questions alike will help the students better understand the world and will encourage them to find ways of making their contribution to the world. It is not uncommon that many universities have required students to take at least one or two courses on ethics, philosophies and politics to help students probe into some long-lasting problems.（认为教育有解决社会问题的责任，可是TP最好能说出来）

On the other hand, do we need to go out our way to design and support a global university to have students solve these questions? As far as I am concerned, the feasibility of designing and supporting such a global university is very dim. Firstly, it is impossible to find a appropriate location for the "global university" because the solutions to social problems need to be based on the consensus and compromises of all nations without being affected or influenced by the interests or benefits of one or two country. To locate it in any country will more or less break（undermine） the principles and rules to fairly solve the problems. Secondly, granted that it can be established in one country without being affected or controlled,(有点像argumeng，危险哦) some persistent social problems are hardly be solved by students gathering from all over the world and holding different cultural and moral values. （举例子啊！这里最需要例子啊！）

Additionally, I cannot agree with the speaker's suggestion for the reason that to find solutions to those most persistent and compelling problems, to a large extent, would rely on the efforts of governments, scientists, economists, philosophers as well as citizens of all nations. The complexity of the social problems is far more than what the speaker have imagined and mostly probably they are beyond the capability of mere college students and young people. Take the example of crime. Many research has revealed that it stem from（不错的词汇） the dark side of our human nature and cannot be absolutely eradicated by establishment of legal system. Therefore we need the psychologists and biological experts to penetrate deeply into criminists' mind and genes rather than ask students participate in the endless discussion for legal solutions.（更应该说说国际慈善机构的努力啊）

To sum up, it is a poor recommendation of the speaker for all nations to support such a university devoted to finding ways and solutions to some tough social problems, though he or she may put the suggestion out of some good will to call for the college students enough attention and concerns on the well-beings of the whole society and the world.
（结尾中规中矩，不过整篇文章算是不错的，尤其是词汇有出彩的地方，我给4.5+，楼主努力！）

thminUID: 192642

谢谢anthrax,好感动!考完了还如此热心地帮我批改!

枫丹UID: 166492

ssue11 第11篇 让砖头来得更猛烈些吧！
------摘要------
作者：thmin 共用时间：53分21秒 438 words/562words
从2005年2月31日9时26分到2005年2月31日10时53分
------题目------
All nations should help support the development of a global university designed to engage students in the process of solving the world's most persistent social problems.
------正文------
In this world of great technological and social development leading to many problems both at nature and society level, I fundamentally agree with the speaker that most persistent social problems deserve the attention from university students. However, I consider the way of all nations helping support and design a global university an unnecessary and immature one to solve these problems.
[最后这句结构是什么意思呢？ 我试图给你改回来，失败，似乎我也说不清楚]
To begin with, the rationale in the speaker's assertion is that it is necessary and urgent for our college and university students to concern about the most persistent and compelling social problems. Wars, violence, starvations and poverty and so on have all been long disturbed us since the emergence of human beings. The students of colleges and universities should not only be obsessed in their academic study but also take time to think of such questions like "Why there are so many human sufferings" and "What can I do both as a college student and as a social member to relieve the pain of all humankind". Thinking about those questions alike will help the students better understand the world and will encourage them to find ways of [to  contribute to ]making their contribution to the world. It is not uncommon that many universities have required students to take at least one or two courses on ethics, philosophies and politics to help students probe into some long-lasting problems.
[ 说明题目的观点 ， 存在必需性]
On the other hand, do we need to go out our way to design and support a global university to have students solve these questions? As far as I am concerned, the feasibility of designing and supporting such a global university is very dim. Firstly, it is impossible to find a [an]appropriate location for the "global university" because the solutions to social problems need to be based on the consensus and compromises of all nations without being affected or influenced by the interests or benefits of one or two country. To locate it in any country will more or less break the principles and rules to fairly solve the problems. [这句有什么依据吗？为什么一定会break， 需要例子和论证]Secondly, granted that it can be established in one country without being affected or controlled, some persistent social problems are hardly be solved by students gathering from all over the world and holding different cultural and moral values. [更需要继续论证了，这些结论得出来比较抽象，没有分析清楚 why?]

Additionally, I cannot agree with the speaker's suggestion for the reason that to find solutions to those most persistent and compelling problems, to a large extent, would rely on the efforts of governments, scientists, economists, philosophers as well as citizens of all nations. The complexity of the social problems is far more than what the speaker have imagined and mostly probably they are beyond the capability of mere college students and young people. [这句不错，好！！]Take the example of crime. Many research has revealed that it[？？代什么？] stem from the dark side of our human nature and cannot be absolutely eradicated by establishment of legal system. Therefore we need the psychologists and biological experts to penetrate deeply into criminists' mind and genes rather than ask students[ to ] participate in the endless discussion for legal solutions.

To sum up, it is a poor recommendation of the speaker for all nations to support such a university devoted to finding ways and solutions to some tough social problems, though he or she may put the suggestion out of some good will to call for the college students enough attention and concerns on the well-beings of the whole society and the world
[我认为你句子的条理很清楚，呵呵，难为你看到我的语法错误会上火，呵呵，抱歉， 你的语言虽然不难但是很到位，是我应该学习的。 你的问题我认为：说理充分但是推理不足， 很多结论不是人们普遍认为的观点作为你的理论出现的时候要注意论证清楚和明白。]

anfernee-kkUID: 194668

楼主的论证果然比我的好很多
可能是时间的关系吧， 有些论述还没说清楚
相信扩展开来，这一定是一篇很有说服力的文章
基本问题楼上的已经点出来了， 我也不用说什么^_^
感谢你的砖头

coweiliangUID: 195905

imjason 介绍来了，我也帮你看看，先占个坐 :)
互相学习互相拍

thminUID: 192642

谢谢,谢谢,真的非常感谢大家!

coweiliangUID: 195905

ssue11 第11篇 让砖头来得更猛烈些吧！
------摘要------
作者：thmin 共用时间：53分21秒 438 words/562words
从2005年2月31日9时26分到2005年2月31日10时53分
------题目------
All nations should help support the development of a global university designed to engage students in the process of solving the world's most persistent social problems.
------正文------
In this world of great technological and social development leading to many problems both at nature and society level,我觉得这个句子的leading to 产生的逻辑不太好，或者换一个角度说：In view of all the social and environmental problems our modern society is facing I fundamentally agree with the speaker that most persistent social problems deserve the attention from university students. However, I consider the way of all nations helping support and design a global university an unnecessary and immature one to solve these problems.

To begin with, the rationale in the speaker's assertion is that it is necessary and urgent for our college and university students to concern about the most persistent and compelling social problems. The issues such as Wars, violence, starvations and poverty and so on have all been long disturbed disturbing us since the emergence of human beings. The students of colleges and universities should not only be obsessed in their academic study but also take time to think of such questions like "Why there are so many human sufferings" and "What can I do both as a college student and as a social member to relieve the pain of all humankind". Thinking about those questions alike will help the students better understand the world and will encourage them to find ways of making their contribution to the world. It is not uncommon that many universities have required students to take at least one or two courses on ethics, philosophies and politics to help students probe into some long-lasting problems.嗯!我只想到了题目中的意愿是集中力量一起解决environment 等需要合作性和大投入的问题，你这里的观点提醒了我啊
不过我觉得你中心句说的是necessary and urgent就是建立这样一所大学的必需性了，怎么下面全说的是ethics方面的问题了？
On the other hand, do we need to go out our way to design and support a global university to have students solve these questions? As far as I am concerned, the feasibility of designing and supporting such a global university is very dim. Firstly, it is impossible to find a anappropriate location for the "global university" because the solutions to social problems need to be based on the consensus and compromises of all nations without being affected or influenced by the interests or benefits of one or two country. To locate it in any country will more or less break the principles and rules to fairly solve the problems. break the principle????Secondly, granted that it can be established in one country without being affected or controlled, some persistent social problems are hardly be solved by students gathering from all over the world and holding different cultural and moral values. 点到即指，觉得你起码其中有一个方面应该说得深入一点，另外一个可以以additionally的方式来提出观点

Additionally, I cannot agree with the speaker's suggestion for the reason that to find solutions to those most persistent and compelling problems, to a large extent, would rely on the efforts of governments, scientists, economists, philosophers as well as citizens of all nations. The complexity of the social problems is far more than what the speaker have imagined and mostly probably they are beyond the capability of mere college students and young people. Take the example of crime. Many researchresearches have! has revealed that stem from the dark side of our human nature and cannot be absolutely eradicated by establishment of legal system. Therefore we need the psychologists and biological experts to penetrate deeply into criminists' mind and genes rather than ask students to participate in the endless discussion for legal solutions.

To sum up, it is a poor recommendation of the speaker for all nations to support such a university devoted to finding ways and solutions to some tough social problems, though he or she may put the suggestion out of some good will to call for the college students enough attention and concerns on the well-beings of the whole society and the world
总的来说语言很流畅啊，意思表达也挺明确的，但是可能你应该选择更好说的多话的角度来说，因为感觉你有些方面谈到的就是没法更好的论述出来。
呵呵，大家一起加油啊!

neverflyUID: 166610

Issue11 第11篇 让砖头来得更猛烈些吧！
------摘要------
作者：thmin 共用时间：53分21秒 438 words/562words
从2005年2月31日9时26分到2005年2月31日10时53分
------题目------
All nations should help support the development of a global university designed to engage students in the process of solving the world's most persistent social problems.
------正文------
In this world of great technological and social development leading to many problems both at nature and society level, I fundamentally agree with the speaker that most persistent social problems deserve the attention from university students. However, I consider是不是doubt的意思？ the way of all nations helping support and design a global university an unnecessary and immature one to solve these problems.

To begin with, 是不是要加上I agree withthe rationale 基本原理，cool,in the speaker's assertion is that it is necessary and urgent for our college and university students to concern about the most persistent and compelling social problems. Wars, violence, starvations and poverty and so on have all been long disturbed us since the emergence of human beings. The students of colleges and universities should not only be obsessedcool too in their academic study but also take time to think of such questions like "Why there are so many human sufferings" and "What can I do both as a college student and as a social member to relieve the pain of all humankind". Thinking about those questions alike will help the students better understand the world and will encourage them to find ways of making their contribution to the world. It is not uncommon 这里是转折吗？是不是用however更明显一点that many universities have required students to take at least one or two courses on ethics, philosophies and politics to help students probe into some long-lasting problems.好像转折之后没有提出观点，是不是不太好

On the other hand, do we need to go out our way to design and support a global university to have students solve these questions?这句话作中心词不如直接用下面的the feasibility …. Is very dim更清楚 As far as I am concerned, the feasibility of designing and supporting such a global university is very dim好词. Firstly, it is impossible to find aan appropriate location for the "global university" because the solutions to social problems need to be based on the consensus and compromises of all nations without being affected or influenced by the interests or benefits of one or two country. To locate it in any country will more or less break the principles and rules to fairly solve the problems. Secondly, granted that it can be established in one country without being affected or controlled, some persistent social problems are hardly be solved by students gathering from all over the world and holding different cultural and moral values. 这个结论不是很convincing,因为例子没有，论证太空虚

Additionally, I cannot agree with the speaker's suggestion for the reason that to find solutions to those most persistent and compelling problems, to a large extent, would rely on the efforts of governments, scientists, economists, philosophers as well as citizens of all nations. The complexity of the social problems is far more than what the speaker have imagined and mostly probably they are beyond the capability of mere college students and young people. Take the example of crime. Many research has revealed that it stem from the dark side of our human nature and cannot be absolutely eradicated by establishment of legal system. Therefore we need the psychologists and biological experts to penetrate deeply into criminists' mind and genes rather than ask students participate in the endless discussion for legal solutions. 感觉举个例子会更好些。比如世界银行，红十字会的作用等等

To sum up, it is a poor recommendationcool expression of the speaker for all nations to support such a university devoted to finding ways and solutions to some tough social problems, though he or she may put the suggestion out of some good will to call for the college students enough attention and concerns on the well-beings of the whole society and the world. 结尾虽然不错，但感觉没有文章里面的词句出彩。
thmin的用词造句很好啊，就是感觉有些地方缺乏例子，这一点看看范文，多想想，凭你的基础，肯定会提高得很快。加油，向你学习！