ISSUE7 同主题 你拍三我拍三大家一起来拍砖！

深谷幽兰UID: 196550

7,The video camera provides such an accurate and convincing record of contemporary life that it has become a more important form of documentation than written records.

In the contemporary society, numerous of newspapers, magazines and other books concerning with the documentation are published everyday. Therefore, it is not correct that the video camera has surpassed the written records and become a more important form of documentation. In my point of view, both of them have their own advantages, simultaneously, they act as complement to each other.

On the one hand, video camera, as a recently developed technology, has plenty of merits for documentation. Compared with the written records, the most apparent advantages are that the documentation recorded by the video camera is so accurate and convincing that they can even be used as evidence in the court. Another virtue is that when something happens all of a sudden in the everyday life, the camera is able to record it quickly and make a report to the public almost at the same time as well as the living broadcast of the World Cup football games. In addition, the camera can provide a vivid method for the audience to get acquainted of the culture or places of interest throughout the world, which is hard for the written records to compare (match). For instance, people from every corner of the world are able to watch the grand scenes of the art festivals of Brazil through the television, which is difficult to imagine if people merely read them from written records. In short, the video camera has its merits on documentation.

On the other hand, besides the video camera, the written records are also an indispensable form of documentation in the contemporary society. Making a comparison with the video camera, the written records are able to offer some important information to people, which is hard to display through the camera lens. A good example is about the recent disaster of Tsunami, the video camera does not have the ability to tell people how high exactly the wave was, how many people lost their lives or became homeless and how much the economic loss was, which can be, nevertheless, revealed from the written records. Moreover, the profound thought of the human beings is also not able to be record by the camera but the written records. It is impossible for a composer to display a new piece of music that is just formed in his mind to people through camera, but he can write it down and let others know it. In a word, on documentation, the written records possess some strongpoint that could not be matched by the video camera.

Actually, neither of the functions of the video camera and the written records should be neglected but to be utilized appropriately to reinforce each other. With both the tools, people have the capacity to record the contemporary life perfectly.

To sum up, the camera video is like the eyes, which make people see the shape and color of the world; the written records are like the brains, which help people to realize the essence of the world.

山涧风笛UID: 196557

占

bleiUID: 177320

楼主一起加油,向杨汊湖前进

bleiUID: 177320

楼主的功夫好深厚啊,本人看不出什么毛病出来,指教一下怎么才能达到这种水平啊.

山涧风笛UID: 196557

7,The video camera provides such an accurate and convincing record of contemporary life that it has become a more important form of documentation than written records.
-------------------------------------------------------------
In the contemporary society, numerous of newspapers, magazines and other books concerning with the documentation are published everyday. Therefore, it is not correct that the video camera has surpassed the written records and become a more important form of documentation. In my point of view, both of them have their own advantages, simultaneously, they act as complement to each other.

On the one hand, video camera, as a recently developed technology, has plenty of merits for documentation. Compared with the written records, the most apparent advantages are that the documentation recorded by the video camera is so accurate and convincing that they can even be used as evidence in the court. 但更多的证词却是written records 呢 :p  Another virtue is that when something happens all of a sudden in the everyday life, the camera is able to record it quickly and make a report to the public almost at the same time as well as the living broadcast of the World Cup football games. In addition, the camera can provide a vivid method for the audience to get acquainted of the culture or places of interest throughout the world, which is hard for the written records to compare (match). For instance, people from every corner of the world are able to watch the grand scenes of the art festivals of Brazil through the television, which is difficult to imagine if people merely read them from written records. In short, the video camera has its merits on documentation.感觉后两个例子与documentation有点距离 :(

On the other hand, besides the video camera, the written records are also an indispensable form of documentation in the contemporary society. Making a comparison with the video camera, the written records are able to offer some important information to people, which is hard to display through the camera lens. A good example is about the recent disaster of Tsunami, the video camera does not have the ability to tell people how high exactly the wave was, how many people lost their lives or became homeless and how much the economic loss was, which can be, nevertheless, revealed from the written records. 这样用这个例子还不错。 Moreover, the profound thought of the human beings is also not able to be record by the camera but the written records. It is impossible for a composer to display a new piece of music that is just formed in his mind to people through camera, but he can write it down and let others know it. In a word, on documentation, the written records possess some strongpoint that could not be matched by the video camera.

Actually, neither of the functions of the video camera and the written records should be neglected but to be utilized appropriately to reinforce each other. With both the tools, people have the capacity to record the contemporary life perfectly.

To sum up, the camera video is like the eyes, which make people see the shape and color of the world; the written records are like the brains, which help people to realize the essence of the world.结尾也还行！

是限时的吗？写了近500字，进步很大呢！加油！！！

ooajUID: 200299

[QUOTE]最初由 深谷幽兰 发布
[B]7,The video camera provides such an accurate and convincing record of contemporary life that it has become a more important form of documentation than written r..

In the contemporary society, numerous of numerous adj.
建议去掉ofnewspapers, magazines and other books concerning with the documentation are published everyday. Therefore, it is not correct incorrectthat the video camera has surpassed the written records and become a more important form of documentation. In my point of view, both of them have their own advantages, simultaneously, so thatthey act as complement to each other.

On the one hand, video camera, as a recently developed technology, 好像有n多年了吧has plenty of merits for documentation. Compared with the written records, the most apparent advantages are advantage isthat the documentation recorded by the video camera is so accurate and convincing that they can even be used as evidence in the court. Another virtue is that when something happens all of a sudden in the everyday life, the camera is able to record it quickly and make a report to the public almost at the same time as well as likethe living livebroadcast of the World Cup football games. In addition, the camera can provide a vivid method imagefor the audience to get acquainted ofwith the culture or places of interest throughout the world, which is hard for the written records to compare (match). For instance, people from every corner of the world are able to watch the grand scenes of the art festivals of Brazil through the television, which is difficult to imagine if people merely read them from written records. In short, the video camera has its merits on documentation.

On the other hand, besides the video camera, the written records are also an indispensable form of documentation in the contemporary society. Making a comparison Comparedwith the video camera, the written records are able to offer some important 不具体等于没说，建议换成abstractinformation to people, which is hard to display through the camera lens. A good example is about the recent disaster of Tsunami,这个例子偶正好和你用的相反 :) the video camera does not have the ability to tell people how high exactly the wave was, surely does it, 网上有好多how many people lost their lives or became homeless and how much the economic loss was, which can be, nevertheless, revealed from the written records. Moreover, the profound thought of the human beings is also not able to be record by the camera but the written records. It is impossible for a composer to display a new piece of music that is just formed in his mind to people through camera, 题目限定是documention，维氏解documentation: the use of historical documents; conformity to historical or objective facts ------by M Webbut he can write it down and let others know it. In a word, on documentation, the written records possess some strongpoint that could not be matched by the video camera.

Actually, neither of the functions of the video camera and the written records should be neglected but to be utilized appropriately to reinforce each other. With both the tools, people have the capacity to record the contemporary life perfectly.

To sum up, the camera video is like the eyes, which make people see the shape and color of the world; the written records are like the brains, which help people to realize the essence of the world.比喻用的很好，不过字句还可以斟酌一下，而且总结段最好加上总结的话，建议后两段合并

欢迎讨论和反拍

枫丹UID: 166492

7,The video camera provides such an accurate and convincing record of contemporary life that it has become a more important form of documentation than written records.

In the contemporary society, numerous of newspapers, magazines and other books concerning with the documentation are published everyday.把它定义在publication 上面是不是范围缩小了 Therefore, it is not correct that the video camera has surpassed the written records and become a more important form of documentation. In my point of view, both of them have their own advantages, simultaneously; they act as complement to each other.

On the one hand, video camera, as a recently developed technology, has plenty of merits for documentation. Compared with the written records, the most apparent advantages are that the documentation recorded by the video camera is so accurate and convincing that they can even be used as evidence in the court. Another virtue is that when something happens all of a sudden in the everyday life, the camera is able to record it quickly and make a report to the public almost at the same time as well as the living broadcast of the World Cup football games. In addition, the camera can provide a vivid method for the audience to get acquainted of the culture or places of interest throughout the world, which is hard for thethe 可以去掉的 written records to compare (match). For instance, people from every corner of the world are able to watch the grand scenes of the art festivals of Brazil through the television, which is difficult to imagine if people merely read them from written records. In short, the video camera has its merits on documentation.123列的很清楚， 最后这句似乎多余了， 如果要abstract一下，要用更精辟的语言来总结

On the other hand, besides the video camera, the written records are also an indispensable form of documentation in the contemporary society. Making a comparison with the video camera, the written records are able to offer some important information to people, which is hard to display through the camera lens. A good example is about the recent disaster of Tsunami, the video camera does not have the ability to tell people how high exactly the wave was, how many people lost their lives or became homeless and how much the economic loss was, which can be, nevertheless, revealed from the written records. Moreover, the profound thought of the human beings is also not able to be record by the camera but the written records. It is impossible for a composer to display a new piece of music that is just formed in his mind to people through camera, but he can write it down and let others know it. In a word, on documentation, the written records possess some strongpoint that could not be matched by the video camera.这个例子比米的好学习！！！

Actually, neither of the functions of the video camera and the written records should be neglected but to be utilized appropriately to reinforce each other. With both the tools, people have the capacity to record the contemporary life perfectly.怎么到这里就打住了，可以在说他们如何配合啊！

To sum up, the camera video is like the eyes, which make people see the shape and color of the world; the written records are like the brains, which help people to realize the essence of the world.结尾不错，似乎还少一句， 他们都是我们的得力工具。
感觉你的文章虽然不长，但读着很舒服，具体有一些介词我看着别扭，等下去查查再说，可能是时间的原因，后面没有展开，使文章少了深度和力度。

youifUID: 200073

记得imong 说过
more 题该注意
a ,b 比较
如果
A好, B 也好,
是否不妥
我以前老范此毛病

哈哈, tsunami  我也用了, 不过用于video camera

Mars3000UID: 198477

7,The video camera provides such an accurate and convincing record of contemporary life that it has become a more important form of documentation than written records.

In the <contemporary >society,是想表示当代社会吗？不知这个词恰当否？ <numerous of> newspapers, magazines and other books concerning with the documentation are published everyday. Therefore, it is not correct that the video camera has surpassed the written records and become a more important form of documentation.在开篇这样写因果关系显的过强，如果真是这样顺理成章，那还要下面的论证干吗？再者，你这么说表示的是一种因果关系，但事实上论题的不成立仅仅是由于有大量的印刷品在应用吗？将这作为原因显然是不利的。建议再考虑一下 In my point of view, both of them have their own advantages, simultaneously, they act as complement to each other.

On the one hand, video camera, as a recently developed technology, has plenty of merits for documentation. 这种论点显得过于宽泛，论点中应该涉及到具体的优点，当然我也注意到你是以列举优点的形式进行论证的，所以我也不敢说的太绝对，所以还请自己斟酌Compared with the written records, the most apparent advantages are that the documentation recorded by the video camera is so accurate and convincing that they can even be used as evidence in the court. 有些浅显，应论证的更深入一些，因为你根本就没谈到为何accurate and convincing ；还有你以这个做例证也有些须问题，做证据就精确了？那很多证辞可是笔录的形式啊，这点上面一位仁兄也提到了Another virtue is that when something happens all of a sudden in the everyday life, the camera is able to record it quickly and make a report to the public almost at the same time as well as the living broadcast of the World Cup football games. In addition, the camera can provide a vivid method for the audience to get acquainted of the culture or places of interest throughout the world, which is hard for the written records to compare (match). For instance, people from every corner of the world are able to watch the grand scenes of the art festivals of Brazil through the television, which is difficult to imagine if people merely read them from written records. In short, the video camera has its merits on documentation.论证中缺乏对比

On the other hand, besides the video camera, the written records are also an indispensable form of documentation in the contemporary society. 这个论点更宽泛，我个人总感觉应该避免Making a comparison with the video camera, the written records are able to offer some important information to people, which is hard to display through the camera lens. A good example is about the recent disaster of Tsunami, the video camera does not have the ability to tell people how high exactly the wave was, how many people lost their lives or became homeless and how much the economic loss was, which can be, nevertheless, revealed from the written records. Moreover, the profound thought of the human beings is also not able to be record by the camera but the written records. It is impossible for a composer to display a new piece of music that is just formed in his mind to people through camera, but he can write it down and let others know it. In a word, on documentation, the written records possess some strongpoint that could not be matched by the video camera.

Actually, neither of the functions of the video camera and the written records should be neglected but to be utilized appropriately to reinforce each other. With both the tools, people have the capacity to record the contemporary life perfectly.

To sum up, the camera video is like the eyes, which make people see the shape and color of the world; the written records are like the brains, which help people to realize the essence of the world.结尾太单薄，给人的感觉似乎意尤未尽，但却戛然而止。建议看看能不能把Actually这段和最后一段合并，比如：
To sum up,neither of the functions of the video camera and the written records should be neglected but to be utilized appropriately to reinforce each other.the camera video is like the eyes, which make people see the shape and color of the world; the written records are like the brains, which help people to realize the essence of the world.With both the tools, people have the capacity to record the contemporary life perfectly.当然具体语言上你还可以再调整一下。不过一通乱改，纯属个人意见，仅供参考

纵观全文给人的感觉论证的思路较为清晰，语言也比较简练
缺点是论证的不够深刻，这可能与你的论证方法多为列举优缺点有关；B1的论证忽视了二者的对比；各段分论点略显宽泛

我改文的风格就是这样，给人狂挑错，较少提级优点，全然不顾自己的水平很凹，甚至不如，所以所言之处一定大有不当，甚至完全错误，万望海涵。

呵呵，最后一句就是加油了！

深谷幽兰UID: 196550

最初由 youif 发布
[B]记得imong 说过
more 题该注意
a ,b 比较
如果
A好, B 也好,
是否不妥
我以前老范此毛病

哈哈, tsunami  我也用了, 不过用于video camera [/B]

我觉得好像用了比较啊！用了很多compare with 是不是要列出缺点啊？ :confused:

深谷幽兰UID: 196550

7,The video camera provides such an accurate and convincing record of contemporary life that it has become a more important form of documentation than written records.

In the <contemporary >society,是想表示当代社会吗？不知这个词恰当否？ 查了，确实是contemporary society　<numerous of> newspapers, magazines and other books concerning with the documentation are published everyday. Therefore, it is not correct that the video camera has surpassed the written records and become a more important form of documentation.在开篇这样写因果关系显的过强，如果真是这样顺理成章，那还要下面的论证干吗？再者，你这么说表示的是一种因果关系，但事实上论题的不成立仅仅是由于有大量的印刷品在应用吗？将这作为原因显然是不利的。建议再考虑一下 这里是想反驳一下题目的错误，用怕写得像阿狗，所以就想只在开头提一下，也不知道行不行 :( 　In my point of view, both of them have their own advantages, simultaneously, they act as complement to each other.

On the one hand, video camera, as a recently developed technology, has plenty of merits for documentation. 这种论点显得过于宽泛，论点中应该涉及到具体的优点，当然我也注意到你是以列举优点的形式进行论证的，所以我也不敢说的太绝对，所以还请自己斟酌Compared with the written records, the most apparent advantages are that the documentation recorded by the video camera is so accurate and convincing that they can even be used as evidence in the court. 有些浅显，应论证的更深入一些，因为你根本就没谈到为何accurate and convincing ；还有你以这个做例证也有些须问题，做证据就精确了？那很多证辞可是笔录的形式啊，这点上面一位仁兄也提到了Another virtue is that when something happens all of a sudden in the everyday life, the camera is able to record it quickly and make a report to the public almost at the same time as well as the living broadcast of the World Cup football games. In addition, the camera can provide a vivid method for the audience to get acquainted of the culture or places of interest throughout the world, which is hard for the written records to compare (match). For instance, people from every corner of the world are able to watch the grand scenes of the art festivals of Brazil through the television, which is difficult to imagine if people merely read them from written records. In short, the video camera has its merits on documentation.论证中缺乏对比　 :( 对比！是要罗列出笔录在这些方面的缺点吗？偶只在每一条分论点的后面提了一下

On the other hand, besides the video camera, the written records are also an indispensable form of documentation in the contemporary society. 这个论点更宽泛，我个人总感觉应该避免　要不在开头句中把分论点先提一提？那后面岂不是重复了？ :confused: 　Making a comparison with the video camera, the written records are able to offer some important information to people, which is hard to display through the camera lens. A good example is about the recent disaster of Tsunami, the video camera does not have the ability to tell people how high exactly the wave was, how many people lost their lives or became homeless and how much the economic loss was, which can be, nevertheless, revealed from the written records. Moreover, the profound thought of the human beings is also not able to be record by the camera but the written records. It is impossible for a composer to display a new piece of music that is just formed in his mind to people through camera, but he can write it down and let others know it. In a word, on documentation, the written records possess some strongpoint that could not be matched by the video camera.

Actually, neither of the functions of the video camera and the written records should be neglected but to be utilized appropriately to reinforce each other. With both the tools, people have the capacity to record the contemporary life perfectly.

To sum up, the camera video is like the eyes, which make people see the shape and color of the world; the written records are like the brains, which help people to realize the essence of the world.结尾太单薄，给人的感觉似乎意尤未尽，但却戛然而止。建议看看能不能把Actually这段和最后一段合并，比如：
To sum up,neither of the functions of the video camera and the written records should be neglected but to be utilized appropriately to reinforce each other.the camera video is like the eyes, which make people see the shape and color of the world; the written records are like the brains, which help people to realize the essence of the world.With both the tools, people have the capacity to record the contemporary life perfectly.当然具体语言上你还可以再调整一下。不过一通乱改，纯属个人意见，仅供参考　不错！赞一个  :D

纵观全文给人的感觉论证的思路较为清晰，语言也比较简练
缺点是论证的不够深刻，这可能与你的论证方法多为列举优缺点有关；B1的论证忽视了二者的对比；各段分论点略显宽泛

我改文的风格就是这样，给人狂挑错，较少提级优点，全然不顾自己的水平很凹，甚至不如，所以所言之处一定大有不当，甚至完全错误，万望海涵。

呵呵，最后一句就是加油了！3Q！U2！ :p

Mars3000UID: 198477

[B]对比！是要罗列出笔录在这些方面的缺点吗？偶只在每一条分论点的后面提了一下[/B]
所谓比较是指在论证中不能采取一段列这个的优点；另一段列那个的优点的这种方式。而是要针对某一方面，对照着谈及二者的优缺点当然在论述时对两个对比物间的论述应有所侧重。
个人观点。

LJVYUID: 204075

最初由 youif 发布
[B]记得imong 说过
more 题该注意
a ,b 比较
如果
A好, B 也好,
是否不妥
我以前老范此毛病

哈哈, tsunami  我也用了, 不过用于video camera [/B]

但还有更好呀,有什么不妥的地方呢?
思考ing ;)

鬼谷子UID: 159645

看了以后感觉，其实你注意到了对比，但是问题是还不够清晰，你可以说，在某些情况下面，VC跟W比较起来，VC的优点更多，所以VC很重要，再反过来说其他的情况，W比VC重要。你的不足是虽然也提到了一点对方的内容，但是没有真正的形成一个对比得出结论的写法。

论证的方面，首先我觉得你B1的部分，从世界杯转到名胜，再转到狂欢节，层次不清，而且，名胜的那个例子我觉得不是很符合记录。

B2我觉得tsunami的例子不好，用反了，应该用在VC上面做为证明才对。

LJVYUID: 204075

最初由 鬼谷子 发布
[B]……B2我觉得tsunami的例子不好，用反了，应该用在VC上面做为证明才对。
以下省略...... [/B]

不同意版版的说法呢。 :confused:
我同意楼主的，象tsunami这种突发事情，VC并没有能及时记录，比如：何时发生、海浪多高、多少人死、财产损失多大；当然后的一些VC拍下来的场景的确也振撼人心。
因此，只能说二者可以相互补充，各有优势，没有谁更好的问题。
探讨一下 :p