issue 130 不限时，拍吧！！我不怕死

secular birdUID: 199948

--------题目-------
How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.
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提纲：position: 两个观点都反对
         1. 同意社会化的重要性
            2. 还有其它重要的因素
            3. 反对作者的第二个观点，人们目前是重视孩子社会化的重要性的，而且还重视其它方面才能的发展
In this statement asserted by the speaker involving two claims, one is that how children are socialized today determines the destiny of society; the other is that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society. I would certainly agree that the socialization is important to a child; however, the extent to which children are socialized is anything but the only factor which is so vital that can determine the destiny of society. Meanwhile, I disagree with the claim that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society either.

Recognizing the creative nature of socialization, through interacting with peer and other people, and via identification, children attain the opportunity to ‘re-invent culture’. Children socialize themselves, in part through communicate and identify with other people that has been given a process by which children display their own opinions and  behaviors on the hand, and imitate and appropriate the behavior of significant others on the other hand. But in so doing, they can not only make themselves clearer but often can modify and adapt what they learn to make it uniquely their own. It would be a scared phenomenon for the future society without the socialization of children. After all, they are going to be the parents of the future, and will take their own values as a basis for engaging in the socialization process with their own children.

This, of course, is not to say that the socialization is the most important one to children, there still stand a myriad of other factors—such as the perseverance, and the benevolence, which would function more for children to contribute to a better society. Consider many celebrated people who had made far-reaching contribution to better their society for instance. Thomas Edison’s tremendous contribution to human rose primarily from his perseverance to accomplish something, besides his talent on invention. Nightingale’s profound contribution towards the reform of the sanitary conditions in hospitals sprung chiefly from her benevolence to provide a better environment to patients. Therefore, it is incumbent upon all of us at every possible opportunity to boost the all-sided development of children rather than unilaterally emphasize their socialization.

With respect to the speaker’s claim that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society, this simply not the case in today’s society, as my opinion. In such a society with intensive competition and complex problems, modern people emphasize the ability of children to intercommunicate and cooperate with others and the active role of children in making sense of their social world, and then constructing their own ways of being part of their social group. This has boosted the socialization of children. Moreover, the educationists have always advocated breeding all-around students who have high quality in various aspects related body and mind. In short, the speaker’s assertion is rather pessimistic about the actuality to raise children.

In sum, the two claims of the speaker are all too extreme. To make a better society, children required not only the socialization, also some other qualities such as perseverance and benevolence would be equally important. In addition, modern people have realized this point and are endeavoring to this objective to raise children who can help bring about a better society.

goodgoodstudyUID: 201753

No.1 issue 130 不限时，拍吧！！我不怕死
--------题目-------
How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.
----------正文---------
提纲：position: 两个观点都反对
1. 同意社会化的重要性
2. 还有其它重要的因素
3. 反对作者的第二个观点，人们目前是重视孩子社会化的重要性的，而且还重视其它方面才能的发展
[还没有看你下面是怎么写的，不过我觉得如果我来写我会直接对孩子如何来raise这个角度写，而不是先说社会化，因为这篇的题目是Have we learned how to raise children who can better society，重点是how to 而不是result]

In this statement asserted by the speaker involving two claims[语法有误，改two claims are involved in], one is that how children are socialized today determines the destiny of society; the other is that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society. [这个抄的太裸了吧，变换下句式不错的，而且最好有点总结性的概括]I would certainly agree that the socialization is important to a child; however, the extent to which children are socialized is anything but the only factor which[that，定语从句的基本错误，呵呵] is so vital that can determine the destiny of society. Meanwhile, I disagree with the claim that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society either.[基本表达清楚了提纲]

Recognizing the creative nature of socialization, through interacting with peer and other people, and via identification, children attain the opportunity to ‘re-invent[reinvent] culture’. Children socialize themselves, in part through communicate and identify[communivation and identification] with other people that has been given a process by which children display their own opinions and behaviors on the hand[嘛意思？在手头边？看后面是on one hand吧], and imitate and appropriate[and用的太多了，不一定一句话写那么长嘛] the behavior of significant others[什么是signigicant others？应该是想表达其他周围比较典型的意思吧，typical也不错啊，怎么会用这个] on the other hand. But in so doing,[Through this process] they can not only make themselves clearer but often can modify and adapt what they learn to make it uniquely[unique，make+adj.] their own. [我理解这话是说学以致用，转化为自己的东西，就是所谓的消化吸收，不过你这话说得也太晦涩了，美国人因该不懂你在说什么]It would be a scared[吓得要命？？夸张呵呵不错] phenomenon for the future society without the socialization of children. After all, they are going to be the parents of the future, and will take their own values as a basis for[for不妥，while] engaging in the socialization process with[改of] their own children.

This, of course, is not to say that the socialization is the most important one to children, there still stand a myriad of other factors[精彩，stand]—such as the perseverance, and the benevolence, which would function more for children to contribute[+more] to a better society. Consider many celebrated people who had made far-reaching contribution to better their society for instance. [：]Thomas Edison’s tremendous contribution to human rose primarily from his perseverance to accomplish something[我觉得这里用anything好，就是对任何事务都坚定不移，特别是自己的事业和实验], besides his talent on invention. Nightingale’s profound contribution towards the reform of the sanitary conditions in hospitals sprung chiefly from her benevolence to provide a better environment to patients. Therefore, it is incumbent upon all of us at every possible opportunity to boost the all-sided development of children rather than unilaterally emphasize their socialization.[这段论证精彩，例子很受用，赞一个]

With respect to the speaker’s claim that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society, this simply not[this is simply not，应该是笔误，漏了] the case in today’s society[生硬了，today's society是中文说法，考虑时间状语后置], as[in，不知道as是不是好，呵呵] my opinion. In such a society with intensive competition and complex problems, modern people emphasize the ability of children to intercommunicate and cooperate with others and the active role of children in making sense of their social world, and then constructing their own ways of being part of their social group. [这段乱点了，前面第二段已经说过这层意思了，不过在第二段没有展开来讲就是，建议合起来讲]This has boosted the socialization of children. Moreover, the educationists have always advocated breeding all-around students who have high quality in various aspects related[including如何，反正至related的时态错了] body and mind. In short, the speaker’s assertion is rather pessimistic about the actuality to raise children.

In sum, the two claims of the speaker are all too extreme. To make a better society, children [漏了are]required not only the socialization, [but在这个句型中不可少] also some other qualities such as perseverance and benevolence [which]would be equally important. In addition, modern people have realized this point and are endeavoring to this objective to raise children who can help bring about a better society.

[总体感觉中间不错，特别是3，4段精彩，结尾有点仓促，不够均衡]

secular birdUID: 199948

谢谢楼主啦！
看了楼主几篇文章，都能限时， 能否请教一下有什么秘方吗
我4.11就要考了，到现在还不敢限时，因为觉得没东西写
急啊！！！！！！