argument147 是哥们的都来拍啊(姐们也可以来..hoho),重金悬赏勇夫!

goodgoodstudyUID: 201753

Argument147: 494 words   35 minutes
这是比较早期的习作,呵呵,今天翻出来给大家看看,给点意见,我好对比下自己有没有改进啊.
The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.
'Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months.'

In this editorial the author draw a conclusion about the foreseeable increase of the Whirlwind games in the next few months. To support this view, the author of this editorial cites the conclusion of a recent survey that video-game players suggest that Whirlwind video games sales' decrease would be reversed. And, what's more, the editorial also argues that Whirlwind Company has just introduced several most popular games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old. However, such evidence is far from enough to substantiate this view, and several flaws could be easily found out.

In the first place, the editorial could not convince us the result of the survey recently is credible. The editorial has only informed us that the recent decrease might be reversed, and no additional information is provided to substantiate that the survey in itself is believable. It is entirely possible that the number of the subjects involved in this survey is not enough to fulfill the basic needs for its statistical credit. And even though the number is enough it is possible that the subjects in this survey do tell lies or make jokes for fun to satirize the poor sale of the Whirlwind's video games. In short, lacking enough information about the statistical credit of this survey, its result is also unconvincing.

Secondly, although it is true that the most important feature of the video-game today is the lifelike graphics which requires the most up-to-date computers, the editorial has too hasty to draw out the conclusion that such games with this feature would surely be welcomed by players and its sales would increase in no time. Because the editorial has overlook a most potential factor which might limits the players in enjoying such games--most of them have not jobs and no salary. That is to say, the most up-to-date computers might be too far away from most of them. The direct impact is such games would finally turn out to be a failure.

Finally, even though the players would be rich enough to facilitate themselves with such most up-to-date computers to play such games, and extensive advertisement has been carried out by the Whirlwind, that is not to say, players all would choose Whirlwind's products for sure. Other video-game companies now are also well informed about the choice of players and they would do the same as Whirlwind to increase their own sells. So, it is a process of competition for larger consumers, and the winner in this competition would have chances to increase their profits. However, lacking such information, the conclusion is weakly supported.

In sum, this argument is unconvincing as it stands. To better assess this argument, we need more evidence about the statistical credit of the recent survey and such information as there is enough players who are willing to facilitate themselves with most up-to-date computers should be provided. Also, evidence about the super ability to attract more consumers is useful.

shangguaniyuchiUID: 191021

Argument147: 494 words 35 minutes
这是比较早期的习作,呵呵,今天翻出来给大家看看,给点意见,我好对比下自己有没有改进啊.
The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.
'Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months.'

In this editorial the author draw a conclusion about the foreseeable increase of the Whirlwind games in the next few months. To support this view, the author of this editorial cites the conclusion of a recent survey that video-game players suggest（改为of several video-game players, which suggests） that Whirlwind video games sales' decrease would be reversed. And, what's more, the editorial also argues (mentions) that Whirlwind Company has just introduced several most popular games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at(不懂) people 10 to 25 years old. However, such evidence is far from enough（sufficient） to substantiate this view, and several flaws could be easily found out（这个是搞清楚 查明白的意思 换个吧）.

In the first place, the editorial could not convince us （该省不省，这次容易看错却省了that） the result of the survey recently （副词修饰谁啊）is credible. The editorial has only informed us that the recent decrease might be reversed, and（however，） no additional information is provided to substantiate that the survey in（删了）itself is believable. It is entirely possible that the number of the subjects involved in this survey is not enough to fulfill the basic needs for its statistical credit （这跟信誉啥关系昵……creditability！）. And even though the number is enough， it is possible that the subjects （participants）in this survey do tell lies or make jokes(? 不晓得哦) for fun to satirize （mock at）the poor sale of the Whirlwind's video games. In short, lacking enough information about the statistical credit of this survey, its result is （conclusions are） also unconvincing.

Secondly, although it is true that the most important feature of the video-game today is the lifelike graphics which requires the most up-to-date computers, the editorial has（was） too hasty to draw out（删了） the conclusion that such games with this feature would surely be welcomed （well accepted）by players and its sales would increase in no time. Because the editorial has overlook（＋ed！） a most potential factor which might limits （limit） the players in enjoying such games--most of them have not jobs and no salary. That is to say, the most up-to-date computers might be too far away from most of them. The direct impact is such games would finally turn out to be a failure.

Finally, even though the players would be rich enough to facilitate themselves with such most up-to-date computers to play such games, and extensive advertisement has been carried out by the Whirlwind, that is not to say, players all （all playeres）would choose Whirlwind's products for sure. Other video-game companies now are also well informed about the choice of players and they would do the same as Whirlwind to increase their own sells （换个名词吧）. So, it is（will be） a process of competition for larger consumers, and the winner in this competition would have chances to increase their profits（加个副词吧，否则意思就部错了。竞争失败也可以盈利的哦）. However, lacking such information, the conclusion is weakly supported.

In sum, this argument is unconvincing as it stands. To better assess this argument, we need more evidence（＋s） about the statistical credit of the recent survey and such information as there is enough players who are willing （上文你论证了able啊） to facilitate （provide） themselves with most up-to-date computers should be provided. Also（In addition）, evidence（＋s） about the super ability to attract more consumers is（are also） useful.

整体评价还不错，语法错误少犯就好了 ……
呵呵，加油哦～～～

goodgoodstudyUID: 201753

爱死你了
你吃饭了没有
我吃晚饭去了

shangguaniyuchiUID: 191021

有空帮我改哦
我吃过了
hiehie……

goodgoodstudyUID: 201753

No.2 我来喽
Argument147: 494 words 35 minutes
改了下,楼上的看看.
The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.
'Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10  to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months.'

In this editorial the author draw a conclusion about the foreseeable increase of the Whirlwind games in the next few months. To support this view, the author of this editorial cites the conclusion of a recent survey of several video-game players, which suggests that Whirlwind video games sales' decrease would be reversed. And, what's more, the editorial also mentions that Whirlwind Company has just introduced several most popular games with an extensive advertising campaign aiming at  people 10 to 25 years old. However, such evidence is far from sufficient to substantiate this view, and several flaws could be easily found out.

In the first place, the editorial could not convince us that the result of the recent survey is credible. The editorial has only informed us that the recent decrease might be reversed, however, no additional information is provided to substantiate that the survey in itself is believable. It is entirely possible that the number of the subjects involved in this survey is not enough to fulfill the basic needs for its statistical creditability. And even though the number is enough， it is possible that the participants in this survey do tell lies or make jokes for fun to mock at the poor sale of the Whirlwind's video games. In short, lacking enough information about the statistical credit of this survey, its conclusions are also unconvincing.

Secondly, although it is true that the most important feature of the video-game today is the lifelike graphics which requires the most up-to-date computers, the editorial has was too hasty to draw the conclusion that such games with this feature would surely be welcomed by players and its sales would increase in no time. Because the editorial has overlooked a most potential factor which might limit the players in enjoying such games--most of them have not jobs and no salary. That is to say, the most up-to-date computers might be too far away from most of them. The direct impact is such games would finally turn out to be a failure.

Finally, even though the players would be rich enough to facilitate themselves with such most up-to-date computers to play such games, and extensive advertisement has been carried out by the Whirlwind, that is not to say, players all would choose Whirlwind's products for sure. Other video-game companies now are also well informed about the choice of players and they would do the same as Whirlwind to increase their own sales. So, it will be a process of competition for larger consumers, and the winner in this competition would have chances to increase their profits. However, lacking such information, the conclusion is weakly supported.

In sum, this argument is unconvincing as it stands. To better assess this argument, we need more evidences about the statistical credit of the recent survey and such information as there is enough players who are able to facilitate themselves with most up-to-date computers should be provided. In addition, evidences about the super ability to attract more consumers are also useful.