同主题issue 30，留链接回拍

ooajUID: 200299

The primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that everyone has more leisure time.
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Sometimes great is the influence of technological development on the efficiency. Nevertheless, efficiency could not simply be regarded as the prime goal of the improvement of technology, but also might not necessarily result in the providence of more leisure time. The asset lacks both the normative and the empirical stands.

Undoubtedly, with the accelerated advancement of technology especially for the last several decades, efficiency has been largely improved in people's work and daily life. Vehicles and vessels take passengers from one city to another  in hours; Telephones and televisions enable one's voice to be heard thousands of miles away, which makes the advent of teleconference; satellites and the net help us in global communication and make us more efficient messengers. However, that is not to say efficiency win the crest seat in the purposes of technology progress. Besides efficiency, there are far more vital concerns that technology should and must address. Advances in medical technology help cure and prevent illnesses; developments in music player enable us to enjoy more vivid acoustic effect ; improvements in communication technology make the possibility of general democracy; progresses in information technology improve the education conditions. In other words, comfort, convenience and community development are the ultimate goals of new technology , even if increased efficiency is sometimes involved in those aims of technological advancement. Thus, efficiency is no more than a means to the more essential ends mentioned above.

Then could leisure time necessarily stem from the high efficiency? Of course, not. I still remember  my childhood in a small village twenty years ago, with the transparent and tranquil lakes, with the night sky studded with stars, with the swirling cooking smoke, and with love legends between shepherds and milkmaids...even though there seldom were used the modern technology. While, now living in a city, habitants around are ironically in a busy lifestyle: rushing to metro stations with mouth full of bread, watching monitors for hours and hours to follow the meteoric changes in stock market, even sitting in a Starbucks with a cellphone in hand communicating with clientele. Thus city dwellers live a more tensed lifestyle and own less leisure time to settle down. What explains this decline in leisure despite increasing efficiency that new technology has endowed? Further technology achievements breed still greater efficiency but, in turn, expectations. Leisure time has been depleted by the high demands brought by the advanced technology---in order to learn how to keep pace with it and even to meet the employers' advanced requirements.

In conclusion, I concede that technological advances would lead to high efficiency. Nonetheless, it could not be regarded that high technology values mainly in the efficiency and in turn resulting the leisure it would afford. The contention runs contrary to the overwhelming evidence that technology decreases leisure time and mistakenly settles leisure ahead of aims such as comfort, convenience and social development as technology's inborn goals.

imjasonUID: 176604

占你一个，明天来砖哈

imjasonUID: 176604

The primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that everyone has more leisure time.
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Imperative is the influence of technological development on the efficiency.着句话有什么关系呢。题目说的是技术进步的目的是efficiency，首句却谈命令影响什么的，给人感觉一下就偏了 Nevertheless, efficiency could not simply be regarded as the prime goal of the improvement of technology, but also might not necessarily result in the providence of more leisure time.最好提出你的观点

Undoubtedly, with the accelerated advancement of technology especially for the last several decades, efficiency has been largely improved in people's work and daily life. Powerful-engined vehicles ride passengers from one city to another even用even干什么呢。前面也没有说其他的情况 in hours; Telephones and Televisions enable one's voice to be heard thousands of miles away, which makes the advent of teleconference; satellites and the net help us in global communication and make us more efficient messengers. However, that is not to say efficiency win the crest seat in the purposes of technology progress. Besides efficiency, there are far more vital concerns that technology should and must address. Advances in medical technology help cure and prevent illnesses; developments in music player enable us to enjoy more vivid acoustic effect and more convenient downloads; improvements in communication technology make the possibility of general democracy; progresses in information technology improve the education conditions. In other words, comfort, convenience and community development are the ultimate goals of new technology efficiency, even if increased efficiency is sometimes involved in those aims of technological advancement. Yet建议用总结型的词，毕竟这里不存在转折，而且在结尾处。 efficiency is no more than a means to the more essential ends mentioned above.这段不错

Then could leisure time be necessarily causedcause是应该的了，增加倒是不一顶 by the high efficiency? Of course, not. I still remember my childhood in a small village twenty years ago, with the transparent and tranquil lakes, with the night sky studded with stars, with the swirling cooking smoke, and with love legends between shepherds and milkmaids...even though there seldom were used the modern technology. While, now living in a city, habitants around are ironically in a busy lifestyle: rushing to metro stations with mouth full of bread, watching monitors for hours and hours to follow the meteoric changes in stock market, even sitting in a Starbucks with a cellphone in hand communicating with clientele.这个星巴克的例子不错哈，但是建议突出时间的减少 What explains this decline in leisure despite increasing efficiency that new technology has endowed? Further technology achievements breed still greater efficiency but, in turn, expectations. Leisure time has been depleted by the high demands brought by the advanced technology---in order to learn how to keep pace with it and even to meet the employers' advanced requirements.这里觉得时间的减少突出得不够，使文章的论述就浅了点

In conclusion, I concede that technological advances would lead to high efficiency. Nonetheless, it could not be regarded that high technology values mainly in the efficiency and in turn resulting the leisure it would afford. The contention runs contrary to the overwhelming evidence that technology decreases leisure time and mistakenly settles leisure ahead of aims such as comfort, convenience and social development as technology's inborn goals.

ooajUID: 200299

[QUOTE]最初由 imjason 发布
[B]The primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that everyone has more leisure time.
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Imperative i..

我也感觉开头写得不好 :( ，听取意见改过～ :)

枫丹UID: 166492

The primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that everyone has more leisure time.
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Enormous is the influence of technological development on the efficiency. 一开始就限定在enormous里 Nevertheless, efficiency could not simply be regarded as the prime goal of the improvement of technology,这有两个转折，有些乱 but also might not necessarily result in the providence of more leisure time. The asset lacks both the normative and the empirical stands.

Undoubtedly, with the accelerated advancement of technology especially for the last several decades, efficiency has been largely improved in people's work and daily life. Vehicles and vessels take passengers from one city to another in hours; Telephones and televisions enable one's voice to be heard thousands of miles away, which makes the advent of teleconference; satellites and the net help us in global communication and make us more efficient messengers. However, that is not to say efficiency winwins the crest seat in the purposes of technology progress. Besides efficiency, there are far more vital concerns that technology should and must address. Advances in medical technology help cure and prevent illnesses; developments in music player enable us to enjoy more vivid acoustic effect and more convenient downloads; improvements in communication technology make the possibility of general democracy; progresses in information technology improve the education conditions. In other words, comfort, convenience and community development are the ultimate goals of new technology efficiency说efficiency can not win the crest seat ， 但是这里又说comfort ,convenience and community 是efficiency  的目的，似乎有些不通, even if increased efficiency is sometimes involved in those aims of technological advancement. Efficiency is no more than a means to the more essential ends mentioned above.最后这两句不错

Then could leisure time be necessarily caused by the high efficiency? 这句的感觉是在说leisure time可以由其他因素产生， 不如However,dose the high efficiency necessarily lead to leisure time?Of course, not. I still remember my childhood in a small village twenty years ago, with the transparent and tranquil lakes, with the night sky studded with stars, with the swirling cooking smoke, and with love legends between shepherds and milkmaids...even though there seldom were used the modern technology. While, now living in a city, habitants around are ironically in a busy lifestyle: rushing to metro stations with mouth full of bread, watching monitors for hours and hours to follow the meteoric changes in stock market, even sitting in a Starbucks with a cellphone in hand communicating with clientele. Thus city dwellers live a more tensed lifestyle and own less leisure time to settle down. 很生动，呵呵佩服你的词汇量What explains this decline in leisure despite increasing efficiency that new technology has endowed? Further technology achievements breed still greater efficiency but, in turn, expectations. Leisure time has been depleted by the high demands brought by the advanced technology---in order to learn how to keep pace with it and even to meet the employers' advanced requirements.
似乎还少点什么？其实最后这部分可以展开来说的。

In conclusion, I concede that technological advances would lead to high efficiency. Nonetheless, it could not be regarded that high technology values mainly in the efficiency and in turn resulting the leisure it would afford. The contention runs contrary to the overwhelming evidence that technology decreases leisure time and mistakenly settles leisure ahead of aims such as comfort, convenience and social development as technology's inborn goals.
你的语言不错，从你的砖头的就发现了，学习！！论证似乎还有些表面化， 不太深入， 二段的还需要再改改， 你会越写越好的！！

ooajUID: 200299

[QUOTE]最初由 枫丹 发布
[B]The primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that everyone has more leisure time.
------正文------
Enormous is ..

说efficiency can not win the crest seat ， 但是这里又说comfort ,convenience and community 是efficiency 的目的，似乎有些不通,

其实写到这儿的时候，我没有理顺关系，作者的观点是technological advancement---effiency--leisure, 而我的应该是
TA--effiency---ccc --x--leisure
这句话没表达清楚，吸取意见去掉efficiency

谢谢枫丹，一起加油！ :)

glassfrogUID: 170569

Enormous is the influence of technological development on the efficiency. Nevertheless, efficiency could not simply be regarded as the prime goal of the improvement of technology, but also might not necessarily result in the providence of more leisure time. The asset lacks both the normative and the empirical stands.

Undoubtedly, with the accelerated advancement of technology especially for the last several decades, efficiency has been largely improved in people's work and daily life. Vehicles and vessels take passengers from one city to another in hours; Telephones and televisions enable one's voice to be heard thousands of miles away, which makes the advent of teleconference; satellites and the net help us in global communication and make us more efficient messengers. However, that is not to say efficiency win the crest seat in the purposes of technology progress. Besides efficiency, there are far more vital concerns that technology should and must address.(so it seems that the following words is not efficiency stuff) Advances in medical technology help cure and prevent illnesses; developments in music player enable us to enjoy more vivid acoustic effect and more convenient downloads(downloads? Do you mean internet downloading? Isn’t it efficiency? Is it due to the music player?); improvements in communication technology make the possibility of general democracy; progresses in information technology improve the education conditions. In other words, comfort, convenience and community development are the ultimate goals of new technology efficiency, even if increased efficiency is sometimes involved in those aims of technological advancement. Efficiency is no more than a means to the more essential ends mentioned above.(Thesis sentence)

Then could leisure time be necessarily caused by the high efficiency? Of course, not. I still remember my childhood in a small village twenty years ago, with the transparent and tranquil lakes, with the night sky studded with stars, with the swirling cooking smoke, and with love legends between shepherds and milkmaids...even though there seldom were used the modern technology. While, now living in a city, habitants around are ironically in a busy lifestyle: rushing to metro stations with mouth full of bread, watching monitors for hours and hours to follow the meteoric changes in stock market, even sitting in a Starbucks with a cellphone in hand communicating with clientele. Thus city dwellers live a more tensed lifestyle and own less leisure time to settle down. What explains this decline in leisure despite increasing efficiency that new technology has endowed? Further technology achievements breed still greater efficiency but, in turn, expectations. Leisure time has been depleted by the high demands brought by the advanced technology---in order to learn how to keep pace with it and even to meet the employers' advanced requirements.

In conclusion, I concede that technological advances would lead to high efficiency. Nonetheless, it could not be regarded that high technology values mainly in the efficiency and in turn resulting the leisure it would afford. The contention runs contrary to the overwhelming evidence that technology decreases leisure time and mistakenly settles leisure ahead of aims such as comfort, convenience and social development as technology's inborn goals.
(Very good. You have indeed shown a good expression and word handling talent. However, there is more to probe in the cause of why the efficiency sometimes goes the opposite with convenience and comfort. Is it caused by the competition? Is it actually another nature of technology? )

ooajUID: 200299

[QUOTE]最初由 glassfrog 发布
[B]Enormous is the influence of technological development on the efficiency. Nevertheless, efficiency could not simply be regarded as the prime goal of the improve..

(downloads? Do you mean internet downloading? Isn’t it efficiency? Is it due to the music player?);

多谢提醒，downloads去掉