Issure30 同主题 大家往死里砸,互相拍!!!

KangxiaoluUID: 177984

The primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that everyone has more leisure time.

B1, 技术的确提高了效率
B2, 技术进步的根本目的是追求利润，提高效率只是一条途径
B3，人们的生活方式直接影响空闲时间

S: 7楼有修改后的文章,请大家往七楼砸

The technological revolution happened and it has affected millions of lives. Indisputably, technological advancement increases people’s efficiency and numbers of technological marvels bring about convenient life in ever place it arrives. However, to increase people’s efficiency is not the primary goal of technological advancement, which has not offer people more leisure time but more competition and pressure.

In the beginning of technological revolution, the creation of new traffic tools, along with automatic office supplies technological advancement will bring us a wonderful world and at the same time increase people's leisure time. Indeed, these magic creations save people's time as a result of the cumulative efforts of our engineers and sciences. For example, Internet, a flat roof of information transportation and communication all over the world, saves people’s time and energy effectively. E-mail, another good example, immediately sends letters to receiver’s mailbox saving plenty of times compared with the traditional way, sending by post office.

But, does technological advancement really increase people’s leisure time? The news and radio talk show keep telling us a strange phenomenon that people becomes much busier and suffers more pressure in such high-tech cities, unless we start to figure out the reason why ordinary people lost more leisure time than before. In my opinion, to increase people’s efficiency is not the primary goal of technological advancement but the only the approach to pursue more profits. For example, the Industrial Revolution, excepted as the beginning of technological advancement, produced many marvels such as steam train, electric power and telephone changed people’s life to a great extent. However, the enterpriser just wants more profits then the Industrial Revolution generated. Because of this everlasting primary goal, employees today are force to do more work in the changeless office hours, with the contribution of the increased working efficiency brought from technological advancement. So, as sure as summer follows spring, we can easily predict a more competitive world in the future.

Even without the influence of technological advancement, people’s leisure time will increase with the change of their life style. The enterpriser owes his personal value to the success in business; the president achieves their personal worth by giving the well-being to his people. Meanwhile, these entire endeavors require them to give up a lot of leisure time. Moreover, people with strict requirement toward their quality of life could be much easier to quit more leisure time than others with free life style. In addition to the life style, different view of life also brings about different arrangement of people’s leisure time.

In sum, technological advancement indisputably increases people’s efficiency but will never offer them more leisure time because the everlasting primary goal of technological advancement is to pursue profits and to increase people’s efficiency is just the approach to obtain more benefits.

4，29        成都，必回拍
我会用心拍你的作文，以感谢你的帮助

Issure30 同主题十一 非主流领域
https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mod=viewthread&tid=263757

Argument38 鱼和感冒
https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mod=viewthread&tid=263758

Issure30 同主题十 技术进步与休闲时间
https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.p ... 1352670#post1352670

AlierUID: 159518

The technological revolution happened and it has affected millions of lives. Indisputably, technological advancement increases people’s efficiency and numbers of technological marvels bring about convenient life in ever[可以这样用ever么？] place it arrives. However, to increase people’s efficiency is not the primary goal of technological advancement, [这里感觉衔接不太好]which has not offer people more leisure time but more competition and pressure.

In the beginning of technological revolution, the creation of new traffic tools, along with automatic office supplies technological advancement will bring us a wonderful world and at the same time increase people's leisure time. [这句有语法错误。]Indeed, these magic creations save people's time as a result of the cumulative efforts of our engineers and sciences. For example, Internet, a flat roof of[for] information transportation and communication all over the world, saves people’s time and energy effectively[greatly]. E-mail, another good example, immediately sends[这个应该是人的动作，而不是e-mail的动作] letters to receiver’s mailbox saving plenty of times[time] compared with the traditional way, sending [letters]by post office.[这段是在说明技术确实提高了效率，让人们有了更多空闲时间么？]

But[这种用法不规范], does technological advancement really increase people’s leisure time? The news and radio talk show keep telling us a strange phenomenon that people becomes much busier and suffers more pressure in such high-tech cities, [这里也衔接得不太好]unless we start to figure out the reason why ordinary people lost more leisure time than before. In my opinion, to increase people’s efficiency is not the primary goal of technological advancement but the only the approach to pursue more profits. For example, the Industrial Revolution, excepted as the beginning of technological advancement, produced many marvels such as steam train, electric power and telephone changed people’s life to a great extent. However, the enterpriser just wants more profits then the Industrial Revolution generated. Because of this everlasting primary goal, employees today are force to do more work in the changeless office hours, with the contribution of the increased working efficiency brought from technological advancement. So, as sure as summer follows spring, we can easily predict a more competitive world in the future.[这段到底在说什么？主题太模糊，前面几句在说技术并没有给人们带来更多空闲时间（实际上，这个也与前一段矛盾了），中间又开始说技术的主要目的不是提高效率，感觉思路比较混乱，需要重新组织一下。]

Even without the influence of technological advancement, people’s leisure time will increase with the change of their life style. The enterpriser owes his personal value to the success in business; the president achieves their personal worth by giving the well-being to his people. [这两个例子是说明什么问题？]Meanwhile, these entire endeavors require them to give up a lot of leisure time. Moreover, people with strict requirement toward their quality of life could be much easier to quit more leisure time than others with free life style. In addition to the life style, different view of life also brings about different arrangement of people’s leisure time.[这段感觉主题也不是太明确，而且跟前段的过渡做得不够好。]

In sum, technological advancement indisputably increases people’s efficiency but will never offer them more leisure time because the everlasting primary goal of technological advancement is to pursue profits and to increase people’s efficiency is just the approach to obtain more benefits.[最后的总结没有完全覆盖文体三段的内容，还要稍微改下。]


你是限时写的么？如果是的话还是很不错了。
我也才开始限时，不过每次都没有成功，sigh。。
有时间也帮我看看吧。大家一起进步！

KangxiaoluUID: 177984

说得对哈 Alier ! 第三段的确是自己否定自己，既然只承认技术提高效率而不是目的，就应该在二段不说节省时间，而应该说技术使生活科技化，简单化之类的，三段才好驳效率不是根本目的！哎，通向胜利的道路还很长啊。。。
你的文章我已经改好了，去看看吧！

4，29        成都，必回拍
我会用心拍你的作文，以感谢你的帮助

Issure30 同主题十 技术进步与休闲时间
https://bbs.gter.net/showthread....threadid=262542

thminUID: 192642

The primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that everyone has more leisure time.

B1, 技术的确提高了效率
B2, 技术进步的根本目的是追求利润，提高效率只是一条途径
B3，人们的生活方式直接影响空闲时间
The technological revolution happened and it has affected millions of livesthe lives of million of people. Indisputably, technological advancement increases people’s efficiency and numbers of technological marvels bring about convenient life in everever? place it arrives. However, to increase people’s efficiency is not the primary goal of technological advancement, which has not offer people more leisure time but more competition and pressure.

In the beginning of technological revolution, the creation of new traffic tools, along with automatic office什么是automatic office啊 supplies technological advancement will bring us a wonderful world and at the same time increase people's leisure time.这句话是个run-on,不通 Indeed, these magic creations save people's time as a result of the cumulative efforts of our engineers and sciences. For example, Internet, a flat roof of information transportation and communication all over the world, saves people’s time and energy effectively. E-mail, another good example, immediately sends letters to receiver’s mailbox saving plenty of times compared with the traditional way, 不要用逗号隔开,用of连接就好了sending by post office.

But, does technological advancement really increase people’s leisure time? The news and radio talk show keep telling us a strange phenomenon that people becomes much busier and suffers more pressure in such high-tech cities, unless这个unless在这里是什么作用啊 we start to figure out the reason why ordinary people lost more leisure time than before. In my opinion, to increase people’s efficiency is not the primary goal of technological advancement but the only the approach to pursue more profits. 这段的TS是论述是否科技进步给我们更多的leisure time,怎么又跑到对科技进步目的的讨论上了.For example, the Industrial Revolution, exceptedexcept加上ed是什么意思 as the beginning of technological advancement, produced many marvels such as steam train, electric power and telephone changed people’s life to a great extent. However, the enterpriser这里的概念不对,科技进步的主导者不是企业家,而是发明家,科学家,因此我觉得把追求利润作为进步的动力有点表面化 just wants more profits then the Industrial Revolution generated. Because of this everlasting primary goal, employees today are forceforced to do more work in the changeless office hours, with the contribution of the increased working efficiency brought from technological advancement. 绕了一大圈,回到了leisure time更少的这一点上,其实如果你要分析他们的因果关系,还不如拆开来成为两段,一段说现象,一段说原因So, as sure as summer follows spring, we can easily predict a more competitive world in the future.最后这句话意思不太明了,而且与主题关系不大

Even without the influence of technological advancement, people’s leisure time will increase with the change of their life style. The enterpriser owes his personal value to the success in business; the president achieves their personal worth by giving the well-being to his people. Meanwhile, these entire endeavors require them to give up a lot of leisure time. Moreover, people with strict requirement toward their quality of life could be much easier to quit more leisure time than others with free life style. In addition to the life style, different view of life also brings about different arrangement of people’s leisure time. 粗看了一下,感觉这段的论点和主题关系不大.

In sum, technological advancement indisputably increases people’s efficiency but will never这种过于绝对的词要慎用 offer them more leisure time because the everlasting primary goal of technological advancement is to pursue profits and to increase people’s efficiency is just the approach to obtain more benefits.

谢谢楼主的砖头,楼主一开始就能写成这样,真的很不错了.
加油,我快要考了,考完了有时候一定给你详细改.

yogurt4UID: 198389

占下了。明天发上来

朽木白哉UID: 195804

哦也占楼~~ = =|||
等下来看~

KangxiaoluUID: 177984

The primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that everyone has more leisure time.

谢谢大家的修改，主要改了思路，语言还是不过关啊，另外仿写了高人的一些好句子…不会生气吧？呵呵…
下面是修改后的作文，和修改别人和自己的作文心得，希望对新兵们有帮助，高手请赐教！［文字有颜色部分为修改过的部分］

论点：提高效率是技术进步的根本目的，但是并没有给人们更多的休闲时间(你们的建议：把追求利益当作根本目的较肤浅，自己也觉得要驳倒题目有一定难度，干脆投降赞成观点)
B1, 技术的确提高了效率
B2, 技术的确为我们节省了时间和精力，但这部分时间并没有变成休闲时间而是成为了社会竞争的牺牲品原文这段最乱，现在这样写似乎也有风险，要是没表达好，就以为是又承认技术带来更多休闲时间，请大家帮看看说清楚没？哎，我急切需要锻炼无歧义又有说服力的论证思路…）
B3，不同的人有不同的方式利用技术的确为我们节省了时间和精力这样还偏题吗？茫然中…）

The technological revolution happened and it has affected the lives of million of people. Indisputably, technological advancement increases people’s efficiency and numbers of technological marvels bring about convenient life in every place it arrives. However, this great primary goal of technological advancement has not give people an ideal life style—a world with more leisure time.

In the beginning of technological revolution, the creation of new traffic tools, along with electric power raised our hopes that technological advancement will bring us a wonderful world and free people from repetitive work and tasks. Indeed, these magic creations increased people's efficiency as a result of the cumulative efforts of our engineers and sciences. (Following with the rapidly developing trend, more technological marvels appear and play a more active role in people’s everyday life. For example, compared with newspaper, Internet, a more effective flat roof of information transportation, even offer some unrivaled benefits that newspaper cannot do—allowing quicker, broader and more attractive interactive communication environment.)

However, does technological advancement really increase people’s leisure time? The news and radio talk show keep telling us a strange phenomenon that people becomes much busier and suffers more pressure in such high-tech cities, then we start to figure out the reason why ordinary people lost more leisure time than before. In my opinion, (technological advancement really saves people’s energy and time from repetitive work and tasks, however, people disappointedly find that these energy and time freed from technological advancement has not become a increased part of people’s leisure time but a compensation for the added pressure of survival. For instance, students were force to pay their leisure time to study harder because of the pressure of the severe rate of employment; workers were force to invest more time to study because of the higher requirement of education degree; people are obliged to do additional work to stay ahead of their competitors; parents even lose more family hours to spent with their children. No one can deny that with the help of technological advancement, people’s efficiency has been increased greatly, however technological advancement bring us a vicious circle that the more efficiency we obtain the more leisure time we lose. )

Even without the influence of the pressure of the competitive world, different people use these time and energy freed from technological advancement completely differently because of the difference in their value of life. The enterpriser owes his personal value to the success in business; the president achieves their personal worth by giving the well-being to his people. So, these outstanding contributions for people require them to give up more leisure time than ordinary people. Moreover, people with strict requirement toward their quality of life could be much easier to quit more leisure time than others with free life style. In addition to the life style, different view of life also brings about different arrangement of people’s leisure time.

In sum, ) despite the fact that technological advancement indisputably increases people’s efficiency, the world with higher efficiency deprive more leisure time of people. Maybe it is the time for everyone to establish a more leisure and happier world and liberate tired students and people from survival pressure by making good use of technological advancement after comprehending its true meaning. )

原文（欢迎大家进来找自信…）
［https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=262542］

我的心得：
1．        大家的开头和结尾都不错（除了本人），例子都较顺畅，先说点好的哈
2．        思路太有问题了，写出来的文章都能当Argument驳了，建议大家用驳Argument的热情找找自己的问题；在每部分的论证中，边举例就忘了或者偏离自己的思路，建议先不考虑例子，先搭好论证骨架，看看几步能证明或驳倒结论，再看哪需要例子支持，用什么例子最好。
3．        在以后的练习中我会试着用简明的分论点，这样避免自己驳倒自己；
（给你们看我自己的例子：ssure10同主题八，关于文化传统是不是主要在大城市保存，和是否因为这个原因应该保证大城市财政支持。
本人是这么写的：不赞成文化传统是不是主要在大城市保存，财政支持就站不住脚了。B1,让步，大城市的确有保护文化传统的优势，例如人口聚集，经济发达
B2,大城市过分对经济，名利的追求导致对文化传统的冷漠大家注意了没，B2把B1影响了，中文意思是说得过去，但是写出来那个惨不忍睹啊，所以本人就把B1中的大城市的经济优势去掉了，只说了人口聚集，呵呵，这叫自己打自己耳光啊！这是 朽木白哉给我改的第一篇作文，哈哈，谢谢！
B3,…
４．最后感谢寄托的帮助，各位斑竹辛苦了，各位杀G的朋友一起加油啊！

4，29        成都，必回拍
我会用心拍你的作文，以感谢你的帮助

Issure30 同主题十一 非主流领域
https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=263757

Argument38 鱼和感冒
https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=263758

Issure30 同主题十 技术进步与休闲时间
https://bbs.gter.net/showthread....threadid=262542

yogurt4UID: 198389

The primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that everyone has more leisure time.

B1, 技术的确提高了效率
B2, 技术进步的根本目的是追求利润，提高效率只是一条途径
B3，人们的生活方式直接影响空闲时间
The technological revolution happened and it has affected millions of lives. Indisputably, technological advancement increases people’s efficiency and numbers of technological marvels bring about convenient life in ever every place it arrives. However, to increase people’s efficiency is not the primary goal of technological advancement, which has not offer people more leisure time but more competition and pressure.

In the beginning of technological revolution, the creation of new traffic tools, along with automatic office supplies technological advancement along with sthwill bring us a wonderful world and at the same time increase people's leisure time. 第一段的第一句话，technological revolution 是happened, 到这里又成了will。注意时态。Indeed, these magic creations save people's time as a result of the cumulative efforts of our engineers and sciences scientists. For example, Internet, a flat roof of information transportation and communication all over the world, saves people’s time and energy effectively. E-mail, another good example, immediately sends letters to receiver’s mailbox saving plenty of times times? compared with the traditional way, sending by post office.
例子要说的更具体一点。Save time重复的太多。
But, does technological advancement really increase people’s leisure time? The news and radio talk show keep telling us a strange phenomenon that people becomes much busier and suffers more pressure in such high-tech cities, unless we start to figure out the reason why ordinary people lost more leisure time than before. 这个句子从意思上不能用unless 联结。从这里开始，讲的是另一层意思。 In my opinion, to increase people’s efficiency is not the primary goal of technological advancement but the only the approach to pursue more profits. For example, the Industrial Revolution, excepted as the beginning of technological advancement, produced many marvels such as steam train, electric power and telephone changed
changing people’s life to a great extent. However, the enterpriser just wants more profits then the Industrial Revolution generated. Because of this everlasting primary goal, employees today are force to do more work in the changeless office hours, with the contribution of the increased working efficiency brought from technological advancement. So, as sure as summer follows spring, we can easily predict a more competitive world in the future.
这一段的结构很有问题。要找空闲时间减少的原因？没有任何自然而然的过渡，文章就一下跳到说追求利益是技术的主要目标了。倒数第二句说工作时间没有减少，还应该更进一步说因此空闲时间没变多。结果最后一句又跳了，说未来社会竞争更激烈。其实竞争激烈和空闲时间没有什么绝对的关系，你就这样一笔带过，我读了像阿狗的题目。
Even without the influence of technological advancement, people’s leisure time will increase with the change of their life style. The enterpriser owes his personal value to the success in business; the president achieves their personal worth by giving the well-being to his people. Meanwhile, these entire endeavors require them to give up a lot of leisure time. Moreover, people with strict requirement toward their quality of life could be much easier to quit more leisure time than others with free life style. In addition to the life style, different view of life also brings about different arrangement of people’s leisure time.
这一段的开头应该明确指出在某些情况下，空闲时间和效率没有关系，而由其他因素决定。就这么来上一段，全文的连贯性就差了
In sum, technological advancement indisputably increases people’s efficiency but will never offer them more leisure time because the everlasting primary goal of technological advancement is to pursue profits and to increase people’s efficiency is just the approach to obtain more benefits
注意句子和段落之间的衔接。有些方面是我觉得很难的：比如说句式的变化，词汇的问题啊。我写完作文，再和一些文章对比，常常觉得这些都不是一天两天的积累。只能尽量努力了。大家一起加油！