[文章]依照评分标准逐一分析一篇ETSissue6分范文

myown5891UID: 181125

1.precisely and persuasively:
二段的问题很严重
2段：引论+分论点1 curriculum must change+ 应决定什么时候change+ 算是对前一句的举例，但This does not lead to optimal learning conditions词不达意+又是对when to change的举例，one can also infer用得好+This can become ideologically dangerous+反问+An enlightened society is a grave society with little hope用在这里不合适+再强调分论点1遍
本段本是要证明curriculum must change，说了应决定什么时候change,也即课表应与时俱进. 但提的几个例子不太恰当。 本段提出
#1 outdated history book 前十年和后十年的history book 会有很大差别吗？这个例子至少不典型。
#2 a wide variety of areas 不具体
#3 比较relevant  但还是不典型
照他的思路重写一遍：
First, the quotation does not acknowledge that curriculum must change. The content and process of curriculum transactions and its implementation have always been impacted by the social, cultural, economic, technological and other contemporary concerns of a society and a nation. As all these factors have never been static in a vibrant and a progressive society, and as civilization has always ushered itself consequent to crosscurrents of the thought processes of the people who formed the society, the educational processes too have been vibrant and dynamic at all points of time. Meanwhile, as student bodies become more diverse, scholars are generating a plethora of new knowledge about the diversity of cultural traditions and histories around the world.  This is particularly true to studies of politics, business and the computer sciences which must deal in great detail with the latest advances  in order to remain up to date and relevant. Thus, educators should take responsive actions to prepare students for increasingly complex and diverse communities and workplaces through the process of curriculum mapping. On the other hand, curriculum should be streamlined  and aligned with new texts and teaching techniques. Curriculum should also line up with popular academic study methodologies in interdisciplinary studies, problem solving, logical thinking, experiments, co-operative learning and so forth.
2. 另外本文的句式比较单一，我试着把三四段改写如下:
The arguer unfairly assumes that only educators could determine the curriculum. The reality, taken to be so obvious as not to be open to question, is that the educators still plays a large role in the process of curriculum mapping. Students are closely related to and should be included to be part of the decision process. In other words, the two groups need a give and take relationship when deciding topics for the classroom. If the students could benefit from learning material that is presently not taught in the classroom, it should be entered. Those classed such as sex education and AIDS education classed were added and have worked well nowadays.

Aside from educators and students, a third party including private business, research labs, goods and service providers, and financial businesses has a role in curriculum development. By hiring employees demanding certain capabilities according to some standards they have indirectly influences curriculum for years. As time passes they will have more input into curriculum  transactions  by demanding a criterion to abilities, either by stating so or by not hiring unqualified students.

本文的开头、结尾挺好的：  
While probably stated with good intentions, the quotation misses the mark on the path education needs to follow.
For better or worse our society is much more complex now than then.   For our schools to keep pace with our society we need to adjust our curriculum to what it should be, what we want it to be, and what it needs to be.

myown5891UID: 181125

"The best ideas arise from a passionate interest in commonplace things."

SAMPLE-1 (score 6)
Even the most brilliant thinkers, from Socrates to Satre, live lives in time. A childhood, an adolescence, an adulthood; these are common to me and you as well as the greatest writers. Furthermore, many of the great thinkers we esteem in our Western culture lived somewhat unevetful lives. What distinguished their life from say a common laborer was their work. Therefore, what provided the grist for their work? One might say that they were brilliant and this alone was sufficient to distinguish their lives from the masses. Intellect alone

can not devise situations or thoughts from no where; there must be a basis and that basis is most common, if not always, observation of the common, of the quotidian. Critics of this idea may argue that these thinkers were products of fine educations and were well schooled in the classics. This, they may point to, is the real basis for their knowledge. I would agrue that although it may be a benefit to study classics and be well schooled in diverse disciplines, these pursuits merely refine and hone an ability each and every person has, the ability to study human nature. Where best to study human nature than in the day to day routine each one of us can witness in him or herself or those around us.

I propose that the two best disciplines to understand this power of the commonplace and its ability to cause a groundswell of thought are philosophy and literature. Every school of philosophy, from the Greeks to our day, share a common mission or intent and that is to understand and explain human existence, with all of its concommitant features. Generally speaking, the Greek philosophers, epitomized in Aristotle, attempted to set down rules for human behavior founded on logic. These rules applied not only to the rare forms of human behavior but largely focused on the more mundane motions of daily life. Many of Aristotle's rules were based on his observations of others as well as himself. Contrast this venture with the existentialists of our century who attempted to look behind the real motivations of human behavior as well understand man's relation to the Universe. To do this, what did these philosophers do? They studied those around them; they submerged themselves in the commonplace, in cities with hordes of annonymous people. While the existentialists, as well those philosophers before, exploited their uncommon eduation and intellect, the basis for their movement was ordinary human behavior and existence.

Finally, literature is similar to philosophy in that it seeks to explain and understand human behavior and therefore rooted in the commonplace. Nevertheless, its relative strength over philosophy is literature's ability to emotionally and spiritually move the reader through the use of contrived situations and fictional characters. It can do this when even the central theme of a piece maybe love between a man and a woman (e.g.commonplace). Literature also distinguishes itself from philosophy in that the breadth of the fiction may be huge. The plot and the detail can be quite ordinary or fanatastic. However, this does not mean that the central themes of all literature, whether ordinary or fantastic, deal with human beings and the problems they find in the world, something which we all share.

In conclusion, I hope it has been shown that a passionate desire to understand and explain human behavior, the significance of our existence and deal constructively with the challanges of life are the centerpieces of at least in two of the most influential areas in human thought. What is more commonplace than the existence of man.

myown5891UID: 181125

1. complexity: 这是本文最大的strength, 先提论点+绕道论点的反面进行反面论证+例子1+在例子1中再次反面论证+例子2+总结
结构上简洁明了，内容上有深度

2.insightful reasons:
#1从反面论证的角度证明总论点 I would argue that although it may be a benefit to study classics and be well schooled in diverse

disciplines, these pursuits merely refine and hone an ability each and every person has, the ability to study human nature.  
#2没有分析的例子不是好例子，特别像本段中两个哲学家(一古一今)的例子，例子的寓意不是很明显，为哲学家的名头造了势，分析了哲学家

的研究范围，千呼万唤的分析终于出来了：These rules applied not only to the rare forms of human behavior but largely focused on

the more mundane motions of daily life. Many of Aristotle's rules were based on his observations of others as well as

himself... To do this, what did these philosophers do? They studied those around them; they submerged themselves in the

commonplace, in cities with hordes of anonymous people. While the existentialists, as well those philosophers before,

exploited their uncommon education and intellect, the basis for their research was ordinary human behavior and existence 。把一个

意思用几种方式说了4遍：1% not only to... but largely focused on... 2% were based on... as well as... 3% they studied... they

submerged themselves...
4% While the existentialists... the basis for their...

3. persuasive examples:
Aristotle和existentialists的例子，一般人不会从这个角度发掘题材，可见题材不在多，在于发掘

4.well-focused:
1#. 开头提供了一种很好的结构“背景陈诉”+”提问“+“困惑与争议“；
2#  分论点+分论点的进一步阐诉(开头的from Socrates to Satre; from Greeks to our day; 下面将要介绍的Aristotle和existentialists

对应的很工整)+引出Aristotle+分析+引出existentialists+分析
3#  分论点。下面的分析针对literature和philosophy的区别来入手，说服力不强，也很牵强，改写如下：
Finally, literature is similar to philosophy in that it seeks to explain and understand human behavior and therefore rooted

in the commonplace. An avalanche of great literature works explore deeply the inner of ordinary characters. The great

American novelist Mark Twain is sometimes called a regionalist for his vivid portrayals of conventional Southern character

and dialect. Illustrious American poet Walt Whitman's poems were traditional in form and conventional in sentiment. American

writer Eugene O’Neill’s Long Day’s Journey into Night is considered one of his most autobiographical plays. It depicts one

common day in the life of the Tyrone family, each member of which is troubled by failed ambitions and frustrated dreams.

Meanwhile, those literature works of uncommon content are also largely pertinent to daily life .Extremely popular with the

reading public of Defoe's day, Robinson Crusoe is for the modern reader an excellent introduction to the way of life of the

average 17th-century Englishman. Defoe frequently uses images drawn from everyday life and from nature, images that

underscore Robinson Crusoe's middle-class origins and tastes. The dramatis personae  Alexander Selkirk improvises many of the

comforts to which he was accustomed in England and contrive his surroundings similar to the commonplace world. Thus, albeit

the subject of the novel is rather "strange surprising", its story scenarios stem largely from the regular world.
4# 结尾

5.well-organized:
归纳式论证法，总分总结构

6.ETS评语中提的最多的是他的反面论证,并且此文的反证前后照应.

[ Last edited by myown5891 on 2005-5-6 at 08:59 ]

myown5891UID: 181125

I can agree with the statement above that, "The best ideas arise from a passionate interest in commonplace things. "  The statement  is an accurate description of how many people form great ideas from ordinary things in life. Sports are all great ideas that are made from commonplace things.  What makes sports some of the best ideas is not what they began as but what they evolved into.

All athletic competitions began from commonplace things being  brought together for the purpose of entertainment, excercise, and social interaction.  Many of the sports people enjoy today are the results of someone's idea creating a new dimension of our lifestyle out of an ordinary object.   Baseball, basketball, and track especially show that the idea of creating something wonderful out of ordinary objects is true.

Who would have thought that a stick and a ball would spawn into a national pastime, a generational tie between father and son, , a national bond between all races, and  a multibillion dollar industry.  Baseball began when someone decided to throw a ball at someone with a stick and that person with the stick would then try to hit the ball.  What a simple concept and what a wonderful consequence.

Today the simple game of baseball is played all over the world.  It is a sport that crosses international divides of religion, race, and politics.  This one simple game, a bat hitting a ball, can bring the whole world together.  But baseball is just one sport that shows the ablitiy to bridge cultural gaps.

When Mr. Naismith nailed a peachbasket to a post and threw a ball into it he had no idea that millions of people would be playing his game today.  Mr. Naismith invented the game of basketball, which most everyone has played at some point in his or her life. Throwing a  ball into a basket.  What could be more simple or commonplace than a ball and a peach basket.

Today, basketball is the new American pastime.  It replaced baseball because it is cheaper than baseball and it can be played by only one person.  This interest in balls and new uses for them,  as we can see in both baseball and basketball, brought about a huge social phenomena of excercise and new social interaction that would bring people together rather than divide them.

It doesn't take a ball to create a sport from a commonplace item.  Track and field has no balls used in it, unless you consider the shotput a ball.  The whole sport of track and field is made of simple ideas: running, jumping, and throwing.  Simple but yet it is one of the most watched events worldwide as evidenced by the recent Olympic Games. For example, team relay races consist of four people running around an oval track passing a baton to each other.  A baton that is the only object you need to have a relay race,a baton is definetly a commonplace thing.   Yet this event has such stars as Carl Lewis who is known world wide.

Sports and how they were created is the epitome of the idea that "the best ideas arise form a passionate interest in commonplace things."  What might have seemed boring at the time of hitting a ball, or throwing a ball into a net, or passing a baton are all now events that millions take part in and even more watch.  What makes these ideas great is that they all bring people from different backgrounds together, wether they  intended to or not.

myown5891UID: 181125

1. complexity:
这是我看到的5分范文里最出色的一篇了，他语言的流畅性与行文的声色并茂比上面的6分文要精彩许多，但失误就在于只举了sports方面的例

子，ETS最强调文章的complexity, 像specialist那篇分两部分讲，部分里还有小部分；curriculum那篇题目长，作者分两个部分探讨，后一部

分还发挥到了教育的目的上，深化了主题；同主体的6分文从literature and philosophy两部分入手。各5分范文也都做到了至少有两个不同领域

的理由。
可以把文章做三部分的分解，the best ideas/a passionate interest/commonplace things

照这个思路把文章改进如下：

There is a mounting concern over which do the best ideas originate from. The author in this title advocates that the best ideas stem from a passionate interests toward everyday things. Conversely, some people may argue that the best ideas are born when we view the world fraught with unusual and surprising events. On balance, I would side with the former opinion. I propose that the two best domains to understand this power of the commonplace are science and athletic competitions.

Modern science is an amazing phenomenon, and people naturally wonder how it works. Some people may argue that it is the

product of sophisticated and high-level knowledge. Nevertheless, as a matter of fact, what is required for scientific

progress is mainly an ardent interest in usual things. That is to say no matter how special a scientific acquisition may be,
it is founded on common things and passionate interests.  If you look at the history of science, you'll see that the

advancement of knowledge was always a dance between the common things and the dedicated person who were interested in some

particular aspect of the natural world and humane studies. One favorite example is the way that Newton formulated laws of

universal gravitation and motion as a result the fall of an apple. Another example is Danish astronomer Brahe Tycho.  
With no instruments other than a globe and a pair of compasses, he succeeded in detecting grave errors in the standard

astronomical tables, and set about correcting them thanks to his dedicated pursuit of watching the sky.

On the other hand, an avalanche of athletic competitions began from commonplace things being brought together for the purpose

of entertainment, exercise, and social interaction. An motley array of the sports people enjoy today are the results of

someone's idea creating a new dimension of our lifestyle out of an ordinary object.  Baseball and basketball are two typical

cases in point showing that the idea of creating something wonderful out of ordinary objects is true. Who would have thought

that a stick and a ball would spawn into a national pastime, a generational tie between father and son, a national

bond among people who differ in educational level, race, ethnic group, or political affiliation? Who would have thought that

millions of people are infatuated with the activity of throwing a ball into a basket?  What might have seemed boring at the

time of hitting a ball, or throwing a ball into a net are now events that crosses international divides of religion, race,

and politics.

There are still numerous other facets pertinent to the issue under discussion, which, regrettably, I have no time to delve too deeply into. But the above-discussed grounds should to a great extent justify my claim that the best ideas spring from a ardent interest in usual things.

myown5891UID: 181125

While the best ideas do indeed arise from mankind's interest in the commonplace, one must realize that the "commonplace ideas" of our current society continue to evolve at such a rapid rate that we are converging on the Twenty-First Century on a wave of thought, ideas, and creation that would surely baffle our forefathers.

Simply put, Thomas Jefferson, a brilliant, and progressive thinker, was motivated to create certain societal services that he felt necessary for his time.  Historians report that Mr. Jefferson witnessed a fire which destroyed a man's home.  The victim was left with nothing. Mr.Jefferson, thinking it most unfortunate that a man should lose all his worldly posessions, developed a system of homeowners insurance.  Of course today, we have taken insurance to a new and all-encompassing level.  President Roosevelt adored nature and found great solace while visiting Yosemite in Wyoming.  Among his many accomplishments, Rooselvelt, our twenty-sixth President, is perhaps best known for his creation of a National Parks Protection program.

Over time, the basic needs of mankind have been met due to interests in the commonplace mixed with a progressive trait in man to make things simpler, faster, less expensive, and more gratifying.

Today, our "simple thoughts" turn to ideas such as space stations, the technological superhighway, and electric vehicles. Sadly, we must also repair much of the fallout from some of our "commonplace" inspired ideas.  For example, evolved transportation has a price as we work to restore our environment.

If we are  inspired by the simple motivations, dreams, and tasks of everyday life then we must make a commitment to development our muse.  Perhaps, the best way to move ahead is to step back; to re-examine and learn from  the art, science, history, love and war of our founding fathers.  Perhaps simple is best.  After all, that's where all the best ideas are born.

myown5891UID: 181125

照他的思路重写了一篇:
As centuries go, new fields pops up like mushrooms. Our understanding of the world has deepened at an accelerating rate as a
result of the exploitation of new knowledge and the break-neck speed of technological innovation. However, we may pause to

ask which factors shape the world we are now live in? One might say that it is the elites and heroes or heroines of societies

who have directly led to the way that the world is shaped today. They come up the best ideas which exert profound impact on

the formation and development of our societies. Critics of this idea may argue that history is written by people in general

and elites and heroes or heroines are just the mirror of social development and they achieve success by standing on the

shoulder of the common people. I would argue that in this brave new world, knowledge and innovation will be the business of

any one who cares to devote time and resources to working on common things; and the professional elites may take her rightful

place as the facilitator of the general public devotion to improved understanding.


To be more specific, consider Thomas Jefferson and Franklin Roosevelt. Thomas Jefferson, a brilliant, and progressive

thinker, was motivated to create social services that he felt necessary for his time. Historians report that Mr. Jefferson

witnessed a fire which destroyed a man's home. The victim was left with nothing. Mr. Jefferson, finding it extremely

unfortunate that a man should lose all his worldly possessions, formulated a system of homeowners insurance. 32nd President of the United States

Roosevelt adored nature and found great solace while visiting Yosemite in Wyoming. As a result, Franklin Roosevelt spared no effort to beautify and preserve the environment. The National Parks Protection program is perhaps one of a spade of  Roosevelt's  accomplishments which he took pride in.

Nevertheless, one must admit as well that ordinary people can often do something extraordinary. Here's another historical

example: the woman who developed the beginning of modern descriptive statistics was neither a scientist nor a mathematician--

she was a ordinary nurse. Her name was Florence Nightingale, and she planted the roots of modern nursing while she was

inventing statistics, showing that the British Army was losing more soldiers to unsanitary hospital conditions than to enemy

fire. Nothing was more common or garden than to see the scenario of the suffering and mental anguish associated with those

afflicted with devastating illness in the process of atrocity of atrocities, war. But Florence Nightingale had a unremitting

pursuit to terminate this afflictive heartbreak others took for granted. Thus, Florence Nightingale made invaluable contributions to the evolution of nursing as a profession.

For now, let us consider how to proceed this kind of creative thinking to find magic in the daily life. We should ask more why and concerned with the pros

and cons when we go along with everyday rules, formulae, and procedures. Also, we should engage ourselves in spending more

time testing routine assumptions, challenging the daily rules, asking what-if questions; we should seek alternative hypotheses, explanations, conclusions, plans, sources, etc., and be open to them ; we should consider seriously other points of view than our own; we should be reflectively aware of our own basic beliefs; we should consider and reason from premises, reasons, assumptions, positions, and other propositions with which we disagree or about which we are in doubt -- without letting the disagreement or doubt interfere with our thinking. At the beginning, you may feel uncomfortable this critical thinking pattern, you may suffer ridicule, neglect and misunderstanding. You may be derided as crabbers; you may be ridiculed as trouble-maker; you may be loathed as oddballs. But if you stick to your guns, you would reap benefits from this kind of thinking pattern. You would be conscious what you are doing and what you are going to do; you  would find yourself alive with inspiration in dealing with daily life; you would have the ability to clarify, to seek and judge well the basis for a view, to infer wisely from the basis, to imaginatively suppose and integrate, and to do these things with dispatch, sensitivity, and rhetorical skill; you would change your foregoing picture of the universe; and of course you would sometimes hit upon originative ideas that may transform the world.
     

There are several other facets pertinent to the issue under discussion, which, regrettably, I have no time to delve too
deeply into. But the above-discussed grounds should to a great extent justify my claim that those who tend to dedicate yourself to work on common things would reap the best ideas.

myown5891UID: 181125

The solution to the world's growing environmental problems may have to wait awhile. It has been said that "environmental problems are global and respect no nation's boundaries."  Unfortunately, pollution and its consequences still fall to large measure on those least likely to do anything about it: poor countries willing to sacrifice anything in order to sit at the table with the world's wealthy.

As far as the industrialized nations of the world are concerned, the world is a big place. Environmental destruction taking place outside their borders may sometimes be fodder for government pronouncements of concern, but few concrete actions.  Deforestation of the Amazon, for instance, is of vital concern to all those who wish to continue breathing. But the only effective deterrent to this activity,  the restriction of international aid money to those countries showing net deforestation, has been stalled in the United Nations by those unwilling to "interfere" in the internal politics of other nations.

Because of the differential impact of polluting activities around the world, and even in different regions of a single country, many governments will undoubtedly continue to promulgate only modest environmental regulations.  Costs to polluting companies will continue to carry as much weight as the benefit of a pollution-free environment. Particularly in the current political climate of the United States, the well-documented expense of today's pollution-control measures will be stacked against the unknown long-term effects of  polluting actitivities.  "Why should I spend millions of dollars a year, which causes me to have to raise the cost of my goods or eliminate jobs, if no one really knows if air pollution is all that harmful?  Show me the proof, " an air polluting company  may demand.

Realistically,  it won't be until critical mass is achieved that  the hoped for "choice of unity and cooperation" will be a viable one.  Only when the earth as a whole is so polluted that life itself becomes increasingly difficult for a majority of the world's people will there likely be the political will to force global environmental laws on governments worldwide.  But the optimists (read: environmental activists) among us continue to believe that the world can be shown the error of its ways.  They continue to point out that the sky is probably falling--or at least developing a big hole.  The world, as a whole, ignores them.

One would hope, however, that governments, perhaps through a strengthened U.N., could somehow be forced to realize that when the Earth reaches the critical mass of pollution, it may be too late to do anything about it.  That would be a "common tragedy" indeed.
1．        好不容易才打完的分析不小心没保存就关机了，简要说罢!
2．        本文写得四平八稳,字数才433
3．        总分总
4．        经典句式Only when the earth as a whole is so polluted that life itself becomes increasingly difficult for a majority of the world's people will there likely be the
political will to force global environmental laws on governments worldwide.

"Why should I spend millions of dollars a year, which causes me to have to raise the cost of my goods or eliminate jobs, if no one really knows if air pollution is all that harmful?  Show me the proof, " an air polluting company may demand.

it won't be until critical mass is achieved that  the hoped for "choice of unity and cooperation" will be a viable one.

But the optimists (read: environmental activists) among us continue to believe that the world can be shown the error of its ways.

5.Effective vocabulary: be fodder for, is of vital concern, concrete actions, stall, deforestation, deterrent, promulgate,

salamander4.0UID: 180456

好厉害~~感叹！你有这么充足的准备，一定能考好！
可惜我昨天已经考了~~

myown5891UID: 181125

SAMPLE-5 (score 5)
At no other time then in our present time has the need for unity and togetherness been more necessary to the inhabitants on our planet.  For many decades the motto has been one of waste and denial.  The world is in  a race - racing to become number one - racing to destroy the earth.  Traditions of protecting the earth have been abandoned as the need to satisfy  infantile needs and desires wins out over the more philosophical desires of thought and meaning.  Unfortunately many do not see the need for reforms in actions and thought; people are living for today and not tomorrow.  Those that can believe in a future, and exhibit a desire to make a difference in this future must find a way to influence the remaining masses, and often it seems that the world simply refused to listen or learn from its past mistakes.

Those that answer this calling will not do so for notiority, but instead for their beliefs that they can make a difference.  They will need to be of strong heart, body, soul, and beliefs. Understanding the need for an overhaul in our system in the rampant abuses is the first step to obtaining advancement in the struggle to bring the world together in a way that will benefit mankind today and tomorrow.

For too many years American's have persuaded themselves that the envirnoment was in no danger.  Every year laws have been passed to protect our land, animals, and even our people.  More often than not there are loopholes in these laws, allowing the environment to remain in peril.  It seems that we often forget that we are not the only ones on earth.  We are only a small percentage, and much too often our actions have a great effect on those that must subsist on this earth as well.  One threatening example of this is the depletion of the rain forests in the Central and South Americas.  It seems difficult for Americans to understand how these people can destroy their natural landscapes.  Not only is the landscaped destroyed and the invaluable plants and animal life are also destroyed, and these can never be recovered.  Americans express their annoyance at such practices, failing to see that we as consumers are one of the main causes of such actions.  As a consumer society we depend on wood and other materials from these areas. Unfortunately these areas are nothing like what we see at home, instead it is a world of unimaginable poverty and harshness.  In these areas where poverty is so prevalent often the only means of survival is found through the clearing of the precious rain forest for farm land.  Certainly the fact that these people are farming in order to maintain their survival is important and can not be over looked.  Yet, in most cases the farming is not done as a means of raising food and livestock for their own uses.  This land is usually used to grow food for other countries such as America.  This scenario depicts the wickedness that has become of our world.  The first world nations are destroying the second and third world nations in order to fuel our excessive desires.

The world must find a way to come together so that there will be a tomorrow for everyone.  New legislation must be passed that protects not only the environment of America, but the environments of other countries.  Big business must also realize that they can no longer use dirty legislation and kickbacks to continue to pollute the earth.

Another important aspect that people must learn is that if we cannot learn to recycle and reduce waste, one day we will run out of dumping ground.  It is frightening to think that this is what it will to take to make most people realize that actions must be taken to clean up our earth.  It seems that we will only be able to come together when there is not other alternative.  Perhaps the must unfathomable thought is, what happens if people do not unite together now to protect our environment.  It can only seem that we will once again be threatened with war as we fight each other to death over the last precious miles of land and food.  Civilization will have come full circle; all of our technological and scientific advances will mean nothing if the earth is destroyed and mankind subsequently wiped out with it

myown5891UID: 181125

"Our declining environment may bring the people of the world together as no politician, philosopher, or war ever could.  Environmental problems are global in scope and respect no nation's boundaries.  Therefore, people are faced with the choice of unity and cooperation on the one hand or disunity and a common tragedy on the other."



1. effective vocabulary: 对本文，这一点是最显著的特色，让我像学精读课文一样查了好久词典。随便拿出几个词都非常精彩：
infantile needs, win out over, overhaul, loophole, remain in peril, subsist on this earth as well, threatening example, depletion of rain forests, recovered, this scenario depicts the wickedness that has become of our world, people are living for today not tomorrow, in the struggle to bring the world together in a way that will benefit mankind today and tomorrw, the world must find a way to come together so that there will be a tomorrow for everyone, one day we will run out of dumping ground, unfathomable, fight each other to death over the last precious miles of land and food, if the earth is destroyed and mankind subsequently wiped out with it, more often than not.
更正几个imprecise的地方：
We are only a small percentage, and much too often our actions have a great effect on those that must subsist on this earth as well. We are the ruler of the earth, and much too often our actions have a great effect on other creatures that must subsit on this earth as well.
At no other time then in our present time has the need . . .  been more necessary . . . . ：
(At no other time then in our present time has the need for unity and togetherness been more necessary to the inhabitants on our planet. )
At no other time has the need for unity and togetherness for healing the world of deteriorating environmental conditions been more necessary to the inhabitants on our planet.

2.文章写得比较散，先看一下well-focused这一点


At no other time then in our present time has the need for unity and togetherness been more necessary to the inhabitants on our planet. 团结就是力量 For many decades the motto has been one of waste and denial. 严峻现实 The world is in  a race - racing to become number one - racing to destroy the earth. 排比+引用，残酷现实 Traditions of protecting the earth have been abandoned as the need to satisfy  infantile needs and desires wins out over the more philosophical desires of thought and meaning. 原因1：immaturity Unfortunately many do not see the need for reforms in actions and thought; people are living for today and not tomorrow. 原因2: improvidence Those that can believe in a future, and exhibit a desire to make a difference in this future must find a way to influence the remaining masses, and often it seems that the world simply refused to listen or learn from its past mistakes. 悲壮现实

Those that answer this calling will not do so for a good reputation, but instead for their beliefs that they can make a difference. 要做实事 They will need to be of strong heart, body, soul, and beliefs. 素质要求Understanding the need for an overhaul in our system in the rampant abuses is the first step to obtaining advancement in the struggle to bring the world together in a way that will benefit mankind today and tomorrow.首要要求

For too many years American's have persuaded themselves that the environment was in no danger. 盲目自信 Every year laws have been passed to protect our land, animals, and even our people. 法律 More often than not there are loopholes in these laws, allowing the environment to remain in peril. 法律漏洞 It seems that we often forget that we are not the only ones on earth.  We are only a small percentage, and much too often our actions have a great effect on those that must subsist on this earth as well. 要考虑其他地球公民的感受  One threatening example of this is the depletion of the rain forests in the Central and South Americas. 热带雨林的例子 It seems difficult for Americans to understand how these people can destroy their natural landscapes. 美国人没有意识到问题的严重性 Not only is the landscaped destroyed and the invaluable plants andbut animal life areis also destroyed, and these can never be recovered.实际问题的严重性  Americans express their annoyance at such practices, failing to see that we as consumers are one of the main causes of such actions. 美国人自己是祸根 As a consumer society we depend on wood and other materials from these areas.解释 Unfortunately these areas are nothing like what we see at home; instead it is a world of unimaginable poverty and harshness.残酷现实  In these areas where poverty is so prevalent often the only means of survival is found through the clearing of the precious rain forest for farmland.穷困迫使人破坏环境  Certainly the fact that these people are farming in order to maintain their survival is important and cannot be overlooked.  Yet, in most cases the farming is not done as a means of raising food and livestock for their own uses.  This land is usually used to grow food for other countries such as America.  This scenario depicts the wickedness that has become of our world.  The first world nations are destroying the second and third world nations in order to fuel our excessive desires.美国人为什么是祸根的解释

The world must find a way to come together so that there will be a tomorrow for everyone.呼吁合作  New legislation must be passed that protects not only the environment of America, but the environments of other countries.合作好处多多  Big business must also realize that they can no longer use dirty legislation and kickbacks to continue to pollute the earth.大公司的责任

Another important aspect that people must learn is that if we cannot learn to recycle and reduce waste, one day we will run out of dumping ground. 严重后果 It is frightening to think that this is what it will to take to make most people realize that actions must be taken to clean up our earth.  It seems that we will only be able to come together when there is not other alternative. 反面论证 Perhaps the must probable unfathomable thought is, what happens if people do not unite together now to protect our environment.  It can only seem that we will once again be threatened with war as we fight each other to death over the last precious miles of land and food.  Civilization will have come full circle; all of our technological and scientific advances will mean nothing if the earth is destroyed and mankind subsequently wiped out with it   反面说危害

3.choppy words:全新的概念，值得研究
Thus, the connection between ideas is also choppy at times.
choppy的定义：?If your prose is choppy, you are not leading your reader from point to point.   While the connections may seem obvious to you, they might not be to your reader--and your reader might provide the wrong connection, which will lead to confusion later on.
?1.This land is usually used to grow food for other countries such as America.  This scenario depicts the wickedness that has become of our world.  The first world nations are destroying the second and third world nations in order to fuel our excessive desires.
这个句子严重违背了sentence variety的原则，而且句子意思太大，让人难以理解，而且句意模糊的句子最好不要用排比。


4. does not sustain a tight focus.
第3段：
盲目自信``` 法律``` 要考虑其他地球公民的感受```热带雨林degradation的例子```美国人没有意识到问题的严重性```实际问题的严重性```美国人自己是祸根```解释 ```残酷现实```穷困迫使人破坏环境```美国人为什么是祸根的解释
这段讲了4个意思：法律漏洞,要考虑其他地球公民的感受,rain forest degradation,farming for other nations such as America.
四个意思都可以自成一段，但作者对这四个意思都只做了cursory development and expansion.

5.整体来说此文不可模仿，作者是似乎是信手写文，字字珠玑，但有天马行空，文章、常常到了一个地方有收不回来的感觉。

myown5891UID: 181125

SAMPLE-4 (score 4)
Our declining environment may bring the people of the world together as no politician, philosopher, or war ever could.  Environmental issues are a growing concern in our country today.  It is an issue that concerns every person, no one is excluded.

Facing and solving environmental issues calls for unity and cooperation.  Prejudices should be put aside in this time of need.  Without unity our world as we know it will not exist in twenty-five years.  People as a whole need to take action.  Without unity and cooperation little will be accomplished.

There are many environmental issues we are facing today.  For example, recycling is a simple and effective way to help the environment.  If everyone did a small part the results would be enormous.  Recycling is a good example because it is something every single person is capable of doing.

There are many ways people of any age, race, or sex can contribute to help the environment.  Emissions testing for exhausts on automobiles is one way to help keep unnecessary pollutants from contaminating the air.  Very few cities require emissions testing for automobiles.  Columbus, for example, does not require emissions testing.  My small hometown of Amherst, Ohio does require this test.

I believe the government needs to implement stricter regulations regarding environmental issues and also increase the funding that is allotted for it.  Mandatory recycling laws with a stiff penalty for breaking the law is one solution.  Funding for groups to do research is imperative.  Without research there is very little we would know about anything including diseases and microorganisms.

People of the world need to understand the situation our generation and generations to come are faced with.  This understanding needs to come from education.  The United States has always been a forerunner in wars, peace talks, etc.  It is now time for the United States to be the leader in solutions to environmental concerns.  The greatest barrier in any situation is communication.  If we communicate with each other and work together instead of apart results would be seen.  Education is another great concern, especially in underdeveloped countries and third world nations.  There is a lack of education in many of these countries.  Education is the key to success.

In summary I would like to emphasize the importance in unity and cooperation on global concerns such as the environment.  Also education is very important in making headway.  I also believe the government should get more involved in these issues.

myown5891UID: 181125

原文很多没展开:

自己写了一篇:

"Our declining environment may bring the people of the world together as no politician, philosopher, or war ever could.  

Environmental problems are global in scope and respect no nation's boundaries.  Therefore, people are faced with the choice

of unity and cooperation on the one hand or disunity and a common tragedy on the other."









In spite of advancing science and technology, we must admit that we are boggled down in the Sargasso Sea of environment declining. According to a latest survey conducted by China Environment Protection Agency, the world’s population increases by about 77 million human beings each year and it predicts that the world’s population will increase from 6.23 billion people in 2000 to 9.3 billion people in 2050. The result of the survey also indicates that average global temperature also has increased—by about 0.6 Celsius degree (1 Fahrenheit degree) within the past century compared to 2.2 Celsius degrees' rising since last ice age; estimates range that from 4,000 to as many as 50,000 species per year become extinct; nearly 1.5 billion people worldwide lack safe drinking water; at least 5 million deaths per year can be attributed to waterborne diseases; on average, 25 percent of usable groundwater is contaminated, and in some areas of the world as much as 75 percent is contaminated. For now, as a consequence, we should coordinate our efforts to combat our collective enemy: the contamination of the Earth's environment, or else we will face the music no matter how enormous our achievement in science and technology is.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     


Human beings should be equally devoted to maintaining the momentum of rapid, and coordinated economic and social development
and to promoting protection, restoration and sustainable use of natural resources so that  there would be a virtuous cycle
between human beings and nature. Ignoring the responsibility of humanity to promote protection, restoration and sustainable
use of our vital life-support systems would result in penalty. The penalty is our declining environment, deteriorating health
conditions, even death. The Minamata Bay disaster was the first major indication that humans would need to pay more attention to their waste products and waste disposal practices, in particular, hazardous waste disposal. Moreover, all of our technological and scientific advances will mean nothing if the earth is destroyed and humankind is subsequently wiped out with it. The lost kingdom of Lou-lan is a case in point. The kingdom of Lou-lan, one of the busiest commercial cities on the ancient Silk Road, which skirted the Taklamakan Desert, was vanished into the sands. It at one time has been prosperous, for it enjoyed a high level of civilization. The kingdom boasts beaucoup public structures, temples, theaters, baths, shops, and private dwellings, reaching a population of  14,000 at its peak period. Yet as a result of worsening environment and the residents' disregards, the kingdom is gradually lost, where the environment was no longer suitable for living.  



However, if we understand modernization as sustainable development, we must believe in the necessity and possibility of synthesizing our endeavors as a whole. We may have different education level, race, ethnic group, or political affiliation, but we do have only one common home--the Earth. We live in the same vessel, as it were, blessed with life-support systems so resourceful that they are self-renewing, so gigantic that they can supply the demands of billions of passengers. No nation or individual could be exclusive of the accountability as a member of vessel passengers. If there were a hole in this ship, there would be a big threat in front of all of us. We should twist together like a rope to ensure the safety of our vessel that is crucial for the well-being of ourselves. Imagine the situation where we take it for granted that only those who stand in the vicinity of the hole should take charge of repairing the hole because the hole is not become of the place where we stood, and stand by and let those people busy themselves with overhauling the hole. Unless those people who overhaul the hole manage to do it, we will face the music like in the Titanic Disaster. It is little doubt, moreover, that there would never be lifeboats as we only have one boat: the Earth. No one would evade in front of the possible fearful disaster. Thus, cuttingly put it, on the one hand, we should protect our vessel from damage following a preventive maintenance. On the other hand, we should twist together facing our communal hole--environment declining.


There are several other facets pertinent to the issue under discussion, which, regrettably, I have no time to delve too deeply into. But the above-discussed grounds should to a great extent justify my claim that we should combine our efforts to fight off the ruin of our environment.

[ Last edited by myown5891 on 2005-5-3 at 16:25 ]

myown5891UID: 181125

"The media (books, film, music, television, for example) tend to create rather than reflect the values of a society."

SAMPLE-6 (score 6)
For our grandparents it occurred through films and books.  For the baby boomers it was a result of television and revolutionary music.  No matter how the impact took place, it is clear that since its very advent, the media have played a crucial role in not simply being representative of the values of our society but creating them as well.

During the roaring twenties Americans found themselves in a struggle between the old ways of their ancestors and the new ways of the future.  The once steadfast beliefs that men and women should not touch while dancing, and that ladies should not drink or smoke were suddenly being challenged.  From where was all this rebellion stemming?  Partly it was due to the returning doughboys from the shores of Europe bringing home revolutionary ideas they had encountered while at war.  Nonetheless, returning soldiers could not be held responsible for the social upheaval that America experienced.  There had to be another cause, and there was, the media.  Although the films of the era were silent they spoke volumes to the society for which they were created.  Women in these movies  wore their hemlines a few inches shorter than the decade before them and they wore cosmetics to accentuate their new bobbed haircuts.  The movies, as well as the books of that era, demonstrated a new materialistic attitude that America had never before experienced.  Films portrayed every character as having the money to buy a new car, drink, smoke and partake in the  leisures of life, a philosophy that was soon adopted by the youth of the decade.  The use of the media in the twenties was to serve as a catalyst for the revolutionary ideas that were circulating.  The films and books of that era sped America along its path of change that eventually led to the greatest social unrest that the United States had ever known.

Unlike the twenties, the sixties and seventies utalized the media in a way that appealed to those searching for truth in a lost and confused world.  Martin Luther King Jr.  realized the impact of the media on society during his campaign for civil rights.  King urged his followers to withstand any abuse that they might encounter because the media will take their peacefulness into the homes of their society.  By doing so, King sucessfully began to change the traditional view of race.  Americans began to sympathize with the protesters because of the undeserved turmoil they faced at the hands of the government.  As a result, America relinquished the Jim Crow laws and saw many other groups press for their individual rights as well.  Television cameras rolled as Cesar Chavez organized the migrant workers in California and as Bella Abzug and Gloria Steinham linked arms to protest the lack of women's rights.

While the media helped to shape some attitudes about racism and gender it also helped to uncover the truth behind government lies.  During the Nixon

myown5891UID: 181125

这篇文章前辈boyjim已经分析的很好了:

我对于ETS一篇没有写完的范文的一点粗浅的看法
思想性方面有很多人也评论过了~我仅仅对于其中的词句有自己的一点点看法
"The media (books, film, music, television, for example) tend to create rather than reflect the values of a society."

6
For our grandparents it occurred注意：人家用的事occur而不是take place or happen through films and books.  For the baby boomers婴儿潮~对于非美国人不熟悉其文化对于这个历史背景并不了解~但是~baby boomer其实替换了our parents 避免和grandparents类似 it was a result of television and revolutionary并不直接说music而是加上了一个强烈的形容词~表示音乐对于人的影响是巨大的~为后问的观点作铺垫 music.  No matter how the impact小词~出现并不是不好~但是人家后面就在很后面再 用了一次 took place, it is clear that since its very advent很明显advent替换了beginning/start甚至连threshold都没有用~而是一个名词~可见作者对于用词是非常讲究的, the media have played a crucial同样~一个小小的形容词 role in not simply being representative of the values of our society but creating them as well.作者把not only but also的句型改变成为not simply but很明显为了区别这个短语
这一段中~作者引题用了两个for,for的对称的句子并且对于媒体并没有说出来~no matter一个很简单的让步~但是后面it is ...用了非常精当的"开始"的名词形式的同义变换advent,在play role短语后面连接了not only but also的改变的形式~组装出精炼的句子表达出自己的意见

During the roaring twenties Americans found themselves in a struggle这个词用得不错！表示了一种困境~但是如果作者运用比喻说: trapped in the abyss of struggling我觉得可能会更加好 between the old ways of their ancestors and the new ways of the future.  The once steadfast看到了吧~作者不用firm而是用了steadfast beliefs that men and women should not touch while dancing, and that ladies should not drink or smoke were suddenly being challenged巧妙！befief用了一个同位语从句~两个句子连接在一起不单只不觉得累赘~而且非常通顺~显示了作者非常好的句子的多变~而且由于是belief作者后面用了challenged充分的为大环境作铺垫.  From where was all this rebellion stemming?作者来了一个设问句~很多同学喜欢在开头的地方设问~restate~效果并不好~但是这里作者用了一个短句设问~用到了rebellian stemming的比喻！可以看到作者对于修辞也有非常地道的见解  Partly it was due to作者没有运用我讨厌的becasue of the returning一个名词形式作为修饰词 doughboys from the shores of Europe bringing home revolutionary ideas they had encountered while at war用到了一个俚语doughboys~而后面不直接说从欧洲的战场回来~而是用shores借代了诺曼底等等地方~用现在分词而不用which的定语从句~这点能够给我们很大的提示~我们很多同学喜欢定语从句~然后句子套句子~最终什么都说不清楚~而encounter更加替换了face面对~当然这里的revolutionary刚才已经用过！但是作者这里运用是为了回应刚才的ideas~解释了他的由来~用回revolutionary更好的标示出来是为了回应上文.  Nonetheless很明显~没有用我们经常运用的however, returning soldiers could not be held responsible for the social upheaval非常贴切！ that America experienced.  There had to be another cause, and there was, the media.长短句的结合效果就是这么好！用逗号把media隔开~突出了媒体的重要性~本科学英语的兄弟姐妹大约也学过这种现象~就是为了强调突出~但是我们却很少能够运用  Although the films of the era era用得非常贴切~虽然这里也犯了重复小小毛病如果前面首段用epoch的话就相当好了were silent they spoke volumes to the society for which they were created.  Women in these movies  wore their hemlines a few inches shorter than the decade before them and they wore cosmetics to accentuate their new bobbed haircuts整个句子都不是我们非英语国家同学所能够表达的！里面的用词hemilines/inches/cosmetics/accentruate/bobbed/haircuts都是我们学习的对象！但是不幸的是~我们即使学会用这些词汇~也写不出来这么自然的句子.  The movies, as well as the books of that era, demonstrated作者替换了show/indicate等低级词汇 a new materialistic 甚至这里用了一个哲学词汇！弓虽！attitude that America had never before experienced.  Films portrayed很明显的替换了decribe而且更加精当 every character as having the money to buy a new car, drink, smoke and partake in the  leisures of life, a philosophy一个同位语漂亮！ that was soon adopted看到了~人家不用choose by the youth of the decade.  The use of the media in the twenties was to serve as a catalyst for the revolutionary ideas that were circulatingbe to/ serve as我想大家一定懂什么意思吧~但是很少自己用吧~serve as表达了根play ..role同样的效果~但是请看后面~catalyst更加显示出作者对于词汇的掌握更重要的是词汇对于观点表达的深刻认识~.  The films and books of that era sped小词！这个就是native speaker和我们的区别~我们很少运用名词作动词用~这个就是需要积累归纳！ America along its path小词！ of change that eventually led to the greatest social unrest用得漂亮！ that the United States had ever known.

Unlike the twenties, the sixties and seventies utalized看到了吧！替换了use这个低级词汇 the media in a way that appealed to吸引~替换了attract those searching for truth in a lost and confused world在world 前面加了lost and confused~非常好！但是其实还有更加好的~我个人认为complex and perplexed放在这里也不错~更加押韵~读起来更加美.  Martin Luther King Jr.  realized the impact of the media on society during his campaign for civil rights.  King urged小词的功力 his followers to withstand any abuse that they might encounter because the media will take their peacefulness into the homes of their society很少同学能够举例子在两句话描写出例子对于自己文章有用的地方~这里peacefulness/abuse都用得很好~和可惜~encounter没有注意重复了！可以confront.  By doing so, King sucessfully began to change the traditional view of race这句话不算美~但是很少人用by doing表达自己的观点~并且~运用了一个短句~和上面的长句相对应.  Americans began to sympathizegreat！ with the protesters because of前面用了due to这里替换了~虽然我也不太喜欢这个词但是后面的词用得很好！ the undeserved turmoil这个用的好！ they faced at the hands of the governmenthands of the government用了一个比喻的手法！.  As a result,作者避免运用therefore/thus America relinquished 这个词用得棒！替换了give up等等the Jim Crow laws 这里体现了作者历史知识的深刻and saw many other groups press for their individual rights as well.  Television cameras rolled as Cesar Chavez organized the migrant workers in California and as Bella Abzug and Gloria Steinham linked arms to protest the lack of women's rights.rolled用得好！而后面的比喻用得更好！里面的历史渊源更加使我们不可及！

While the media helped to shapeshape用的好！ some attitudes about racism and gender it also helped to uncover the truth behind government lies.  During the Nixon
很明显~本文甚至没有写完~但是内部各种因素已经让它具备了冠军相了！虽然有用词个别重复~但是~里面的用词是非常巧妙的~至于句型方面~长短结合~并且大家可以看看句子都不难~也没有用到什么倒转现象~但是~全文流畅~小词精当~这个就不是我们能够学得到了！作者里面运用的修辞最多是比喻~开头段进行了一个对称~也是不错的！~当然啦~如果再用上一些排比！押头尾韵！来一点抒情的句子~那么文章将更加漂亮

下面的是ETS对它的评论
评价
This is an outstanding response, even though it is not quite finished.  The writer's views on the issue are so cogent, well articulated, and well developed that the writer was not penalized for failing to provide a conclusion.  What matters is the quality of thinking and writing displayed, not whether an essay is totally finished or has a certain number of words.

这一段对作者的文笔评论的好The writer's skill is apparent in the opening lines.  The first words, "For our grandparents it occurred," immediately spark the reader's interest.  The quick repetition of sentence structure and, once again, the intentionally vague use of "it" ("For the baby boomers it was" effectively draw the reader in.  By the third sentence, we know that this essay will address the complexity of the issue ("not simply being representative??? but creating them as well" and that the writer is fully in command of this discussion.

对于历史的深刻了解~这个是我们很难做到的The rest of the essay addresses the influence of historical events and media on the values of modern society, from the "roaring twenties" to the "sixties and seventies."  Insightful analysis accompanies the historical references.  For example, the writer persuasively argues that prominent figures (King, but also Chavez, Abzug, and Steinham) advanced their social agendas by capitalizing on the power of the media to change public opinion.

这里也是对于语法句法的评论Throughout the essay, the writer uses language and syntax effectively.  Word choice is precise ("cosmetics to accentuate their new bobbed haircuts", sentences are structured to communicate ideas clearly ("There had to be another cause, and there was, the media", and transitional phrases help move the argument forward ("Unlike the twenties, the sixties????" and "By doing so, King successfully began to change the traditional view of race."

Occasional errors do appear (e.g., note the lack of logical comparison in "women??? wore their hemlines??? shorter than the decade before them", but they are not intrusive.

Other 6 essays might be more fully developed; indeed, this essay would be stronger if the writer had gone on to discuss the media's role in Nixon's Watergate scandal and to bring the argument to its conclusion.  However, even in its unfinished state, the essay does present an insightful, well-articulated discussion of the issue.

且不说思想~好的语言~到位的词汇~丰富的句型和用词的变幻~精辟的修辞~加上对历史的深刻掌握~
----这就是一篇另类的没有写完的但是却能够拿到六分的文章
当然~用argument思维考虑~这得不到结论~
但是~这难道不提示我们对于文笔的重要性么？