[文章]依照评分标准逐一分析一篇ETSissue6分范文

myown5891UID: 181125

SAMPLE-5 (score 5)
There are some who would say that the media reflects the values of society.  I believe however, that the media in fact tend to create values in a society.    The values created may be far different from the values that our society would choose to embrace.  I offer two examples that serve well to illistrate that the media can in fact shape the very moral fibers in our society.

The first medium that comes to mind is music.   Through  music we can proclaim our love,  communicate feelings, and  express new attiudes.  Music is widely available to almost everyone in our society.  To see how music has changed the values of our society, one needs only to look  to the urban sprawl.  Rap and gangsta styles of music reach millions of  city teens and young adults.  It's message is quite simple- violence, drugs,  and sex .  Young people are constantly bombarded with the message that if you want something all you have to do is to take it.  The values of human life, respect for elders and children have been lost.  We have gangs and random killings in the streets of most cities in our country.  Are these my values?  They are most certainly not.  This music does not reflect the values of this society.   This music is the very core of this degradation of our values.  How many tricked out gang cars to you see that don't have the annoying bass rumble of Rap music vibrating out of them?  This music is part of the persona of a whole generation of people.  It is just as much a part of their ego as the guns, drugs, and abuse of women.  Another medium that is shaping the values of our society is advertising.

Advertising is everywhere, on T.V., billboards, radio, even at the ballpark.  Through advertising some vendors can create "values".  To illuminate my point I will use tobacco companies as an example.  Joe Camel has convinced  millions of young people that it is cool to smoke.  The Marlboro man has done the same.  The audience is always the same.  These ads are targeting young people.  They have created the "value" among children that it is ok for kids to smoke.  Again the values of society have been changed by a powerful media.  I'm sure there are not too many parents out there who would want their children to start smoking. Another advertising media that will surely change the values of ous society is the Internet.

The internet is really just  the world's largest commercial launched under the veil of access of useful information.  It will be interesting to see just how  this new network that has brought the world together will affect our values.  These are just examples but I think they are effective at making my point.  I think they serve to illistrate that the media can in fact change our values.   As for me, I'll be out back smoking a  Don Lino,  on a beautiful trout stream while sipping a cold beer, waiting for the trout to rise and hoping a couple of those girls from the Coors commercial show up.

myown5891UID: 181125

"The media (books, film, music, television, for example) tend to create rather than reflect the values of a society."

1. 语言上明显没有6分文那么精彩



2.  the argument lacks the insight and cogency necessary for a score of 6.

看其中一段：Advertising is everywhere, on T.V., billboards, radio, even at the ballpark.  Through advertising some vendors

can create "values".  To illuminate my point I will use tobacco companies as an example.  Joe Camel has convinced  millions

of young people that it is cool to smoke.  The Marlboro man has done the same.  The audience is always the same.  These ads

are targeting young people.  They have created the "value" among children that it is ok for kids to smoke.  Again the values

of society have been changed by a powerful media.  I'm sure there are not too many parents out there who would want their

children to start smoking.

思路：advertising的普遍性~照应总论点~引出例子~Joe Camel和Marboro的例子~重复论点
这一段缺少分析，既缺少对论点本身的分析，也缺少对例子的分析, exampleThe一定要展


同时看一下6分范文怎么分析的：
Unlike the twenties, the sixties and seventies utilized the media in a way that appealed to those searching for truth in a

lost and confused world.  Martin Luther King Jr.  realized the impact of the media on society during his campaign for civil

rights.  King urged his followers to withstand any abuse that they might encounter because the media will take their

peacefulness into the homes of their society.  By doing so, King successfully began to change the traditional view of race.  

Americans began to sympathize with the protesters because of the undeserved turmoil they faced at the hands of the

government.  As a result, America relinquished the Jim Crow laws and saw many other groups press for their individual rights

as well.  Television cameras rolled as Cesar Chavez organized the migrant workers in California and as Bella Abzug and Gloria

Steinham linked arms to protest the lack of women's rights.

分论点~Mattin Luther King的例子~Cesar Chavez和Bella Abzug, Gloria Steinham的例子
可见,6分文的优势在于把例子和论点的关系阐明清楚了





我试着加一点分析上去：
Advertising is everywhere, on billbords, movie screens, shopping carts, the Internet audio, videocassettes, ballpark, even

public television. Through advertising some vendors can create "values". They contradict with celebrities for the promotion

of their commodities; they formulate their nonesuch appeal through  quality programming, surrounding their products with

attractive and vague terms like "freedom, justice, the American way" in their advertising program, for example. By

capitalizing on the cant people have for celebrity and positive emotions, they make out in their advertising campaign and

thus hold sway over people's values. To illuminate my point I will use tobacco companies as an example.  Joe Camel has

convinced  millions of young people that it is cool to smoke.  The Marlboro man has done the same. There are large

advertisement signs contrived for Joe Camel and the Marlboro: the tough, confident or fashionable older man, the beautiful,

"worldly" young woman, both dragging away like chimneys. By doing this, the tobacco company completely won over people, who

were hopelessly hooked by cigarettes. Briefly, the use of advertising serve as a catalyst for people's value toward smoking.


Those recording create word of mouth endorsements for marketing review, radio and television commercials, the Internet audio

and On-Hold messages.

3。跟specialist那篇5分文相比,两篇文章在结构上比较简单， 此文没有specilist的对例子地分析那么透彻，但是此文有一个非常精彩的结尾

，而那篇文章连结尾都没有。

I think they serve to illustrate that the media can in fact change our values.   As for me, I'll be out back smoking a Don

Lino,  on a beautiful trout stream while sipping a cold beer, waiting for the trout to rise and hoping a couple of those

girls from the Coors commercial show up.

4. #心理学词汇：persona
This music is part of the persona of a whole generation of people.

# bombard
Young people are constantly bombarded with the message that if you want something all you have to do is to take it.

myown5891UID: 181125

SAMPLE-4 (score 4)
The media does tend to create rather than reflect the values of a society.

One example of this observation is the fact that the media is owned, controlled and used my a segment of the population that is usually out of touch with the realities of groups within the society it covers. .  . For example, the gangster rappers have gained a reputation for being women hating, anti-authority, and violent.  Before, the MTV and V-H1 and CNN provided coverage to these groups, theyre were limited to street sales and specific areas that w ere not mainstream.  Thanks to national coverage in print and broadcast, these groups becaome more popular because it was "different" and taboo. The lyrics, dances, and fashion statements portrayed became big money items and surburbanited people were intrigued withe this counter-culture. They began to act, talk and behave like the lyrics espressed. Continued media fenzy contributed to kids wanting to become more familiar with this culture, thereby creating an atmosphere or arena for this counter-culturre to legitimate. The media created these values but these vlaues of the gangster rapeer do not reflect the actual values of the society.

Another example of the media creating the values of a society is the coverage of the modeling industry. Clearly, most women neither want to or can look like Kate Moss.  The typical Calvin Klein male models do not appear the way most men are naturally. This look is both unhealthy and atypical of most humans. Nevertheless, thanks to the media's coverage, including magazine advocating, newspapers ads, and commercials to sell products, a large portion of this society has done everything from liposuction to becoming bullimic to attain a supermodel look.  If the media does not cover the indutrsy in such a manner, a growing number of people would not care about the skeletal look of kate Moss or any other unrealistic physical attrubutes that are usually genetically or surgically produced. The media creates this image of how men and women should look thereby creating the values of this society. These values would be totally different without the media's negative influence.

Lastly, when  the media chooses to focus on pervers and negative, and unhealthy aspects of a society, then that part of society becomes the "values' of that society. Gangster rap or anorexic models could not possibly have made it without the media's concentrated coverage of either.

myown5891UID: 181125

1.同样是讲音乐，看看4、5分的区别：
4: One example of this observation is the fact that the media is owned, controlled and used my a segment of the population

that is usually out of touch with the realities of groups within the society it covers. .  . For example, the gangster

rappers have gained a reputation for being women hating, anti-authority, and violent.  Before, the MTV and V-H1 and CNN

provided coverage to these groups, theyre were limited to street sales and specific areas that w ere not mainstream.  Thanks

to national coverage in print and broadcast, these groups becaome more popular because it was "different" and taboo. The

lyrics, dances, and fashion statements portrayed became big money items and surburbanited people were intrigued withe this

counter-culture. They began to act, talk and behave like the lyrics espressed. Continued media fenzy contributed to kids

wanting to become more familiar with this culture, thereby creating an atmosphere or arena for this counter-culturre to

legitimate. The media created these values but these vlaues of the gangster rapeer do not reflect the actual values of the

society.

media被一帮脱离实际的家伙控制着~ganster rappers的观念~以上的观念在没有media的参与下只是minor~媒体的coverage使以上的value成为

mainstream~坏影响~都是media惹的祸~照应总论点



5: The first medium that comes to mind is music.   Through  music we can proclaim our love,  communicate feelings, and  

express new attiudes.  Music is widely available to almost everyone in our society.  To see how music has changed the values

of our society, one needs only to look  to the urban sprawl.  Rap and gangsta styles of music reach millions of  city teens

and young adults.  It's message is quite simple- violence, drugs,  and sex .  Young people are constantly bombarded with the

message that if you want something all you have to do is to take it.  The values of human life, respect for elders and

children have been lost.  We have gangs and random killings in the streets of most cities in our country.  Are these my

values?  They are most certainly not.  This music does not reflect the values of this society.   This music is the very core

of this degradation of our values.  How many tricked out gang cars to you see that don't have the annoying bass rumble of Rap

music vibrating out of them?  This music is part of the persona of a whole generation of people.  It is just as much a part

of their ego as the guns, drugs, and abuse of women.

引出例子~music的作用~music的普遍性~rap and gangsta的流行~rap and gangsta传播的value~好的观念的流失~坏影响~说到自己~照应总论点

~和guns, drugs, and the abuse of women的联系

区别1：4分较5分错误多，主要输在语言上
区别2：4分段的第一句belabour,可去
区别3：5分文在一点上逊色4分文：insight and cogency.4分文从gangster rappers的兴旺过程，展示出媒体的作用，而5分文只是在表面上周

旋。
区别4：4分文有的亮点句型thanks to,
5分有的亮点句型：the first medium that comes to mind, it is just as much a part of their ego as the guns, drugs, and abuse of

women, to see how... one needs only to look, reach millions of city teens and young adults, this music is hte very core of

this degradation of our values,
5有的精彩用词：medium, proclaim, communicate feeligns, widely available, bombarded with the message that, ramdom killings,

persona,
4、5文关键的差别都在下面一段，5分文的问题是没有展开，4分文的问题是前后逻辑有自相矛盾的地方，这个很要命。

cogency和clarity是最重要的两方面，4分文有cogency，5分文有clarity

2.论证一个论点有6种方式：
making a prediction
asking a series of questions
describing a scenario
defining critical terms in the quotations
giving multiple examples
by presentign a single, extended example

myown5891UID: 181125

"Unfortunately,the media tend to highlight what is sensational at the moment. Society woudl be better served if the media reported or focused more fully on events and trends that will ultimately have the most long-term significance."

Media in the 21st Century is a compliated insustry, with many forms and varying "standards", but the task of defining the appropriate role and/or primary prupose of media in general is as  old as the very idea of communication itself. Is the role of media to  s erve the needs of sociey? If so, then in what way? Should media be used to serve it the sense of "deliver services", therefore presentig to whatever part of the public is identified as "audience" whatever that audience seems most to want? Are media simply in business, struggling as any business might to identify and exploit relevant markets? Conversly, is the role of media to serve society in the sense of focusing on the "greater good"; to serve as a sort of ligthouse, directing its audience toward "safer" or otherwise better shores?  As difficult as it is to stuggle with the balancing act required to manage these competing, and often conflicting interests, media as a whole can not avoid its inherently difficult, and possibly insurmountable challenges. Media provides a service by supplying consumers with information, access to other markets, and most recently through the internet, direct access to each other. It serves up whatever a focus group prescribes as most likely to make a target audience laugh, think, or stare in stunned silence-wahtever has been shown to keep the T.V. turned on, the radio blaring, and the newspaper on the front porch.  Media also serve the public in the sense that many forms of newspapers, magazines,and even television shows are designed to trully enlighten and uplift, sometimes even if no audience or advertiser will subsidize presenting this informaiton. Some members of the media are so committed to this ideal that they make little money, or none at all. Some others are more known for sensational material, such as MTV's Jackass, or for sensationalizing events in people's real lives, such as Jerry Springer. However, it is not the level of sensation that dictates whether or not something is useful, nor whether it is significant in the short or long term.


The reality is that many consumers of media have grown up enmeshed in the cyclical pattern of passive consumption of visual media in larger and larger amounts, thus training the brain to create what a leading neuroscientist calls "neural grooves" that leave it less able to assimilate information presented in other ways. Part of our culture's fixation  with the significance of the message, or the sensational value of the presentation, which are two entirely different things. Sometimes very significant messages that are produced only for the greater good, rather than commercial benefit, are also sensational in the sense that they focus on the most extreme and/or most visually startlign aspects of wahtever topic is being addressed.


Even so, the lack of consideration of the long term consequences of one's behavior or of public policy as a whole is a major flaw of our society today. This is shown in the (mostly) losing battle of prevention programs which aim to reduce dangerous behaviors, such as AIDS prevention and teen smoking. It is also revealed in more public spheres, such as the often hostile transition form one President's policies to the next, rather than maintainging a course of action that may require more than
4-8 years to complete. Our society is mobile, restless and impatient, and while the media reinforce these characteristics, it is not certain that our society would be better served by a more long-term focus on the part fo media, especially if we are bound as a culture to live from one neuron's fire to the next.

Finally, it is certain that whatever role media plays, it is a significant part of modern culture, and its impact will be both significant and logn-term. Whether that impact makes us better of worse as human beings and as a society is, thankfully, left for future generations to discover.

myown5891UID: 181125

1.complexity:
Paragraph 1: begins with a series of pointed rhetorical questions and moves into an assessment of the various "inherently

difficult and possibly insurmountable challenges" faced by various media.
Paragraph 2: Part of our culture's fixation with the significance of the message, orthe  sensational value of the

presentation, which are two entirely different things.
Paragraph 3: moves beyond analyzing the issue to claim that the flaws attributed to the media are, in fact, flaws inherent in

society itself.
Paragraph 4: comments on the impact these mirror images--society and media-- many have on the future.

2. insightful reasons:
Paragraph 1: Is the role of media to s erve the needs of society?... Conversely, is the role of media toserve society in the

sense of focusign on the "greater good"; to serve as a sort of lighthouse, directing its audience toward "safer" or otherwise

better shores?
Paragraph 2: Sometimes very significant messages that are produced only for the greater good, raher tahn commercia benefit,

are also sensational in the sense that they focus on the most extreme and/or most visually startling aspects of whatever

topic is beig addressed.
Paragraph 3: This is shown in the (mostly) losing battle of prevention programs which aim to reduce dangerous behaviors, such

as AIDS prevention and teen smoking. It is also revealed inmre public spheres, such as the often hostile transition from one

President's policies to the next, rather than maintaining a course of aaction that may require more tahn4-8 years to

complete.

3.Persuasive examples:
Paragraph 1: Some others are known for sensational material, such as MTV's Jackass, or for sensationalizign events in

people's real lives, such as Jerry Springer.
Paragraph 3: This is shown in the (mostly) losing battle of prevention programs which aim to reduce dangerous behaviors, such

as AIDS prevention and teen smoking. It is also revealed in more public spheres, such as the often hostile transition from

one President's policies to the next, rather than maintaining a course of action that may require more tahn4-8 years to

complete.

4.well-focused:
Paragraph 1: 背景~连续问句引出分论点~分论点~media的作用~ideal和sensationalizing的不同media~阐明sensation和useful没有关系
Paragraph 2: 引诉~分论点~解释
Paragraph 3: 分论点~举例~解释
Paragraph 4: 肯定media的作用~展望未来

5. well-organized:
反驳式论证法

6.clearly and precisely：
遣词造句特别精当：complicated industry, varying "standards", the task of definig the appropriate role, in general is, as old

as the very idea of communicaiton, serve the needs of,
If so, then in what way?
to serve in the sense of "delivr sevices", is identified as "audience" whatever that audience seems most to want?
in business, struggling as any business might to identify and exploit relevant markets?
conversely, serve society in the sense of focusing on the "greater good";
serve as a sort of lighthouse, directing its audience toward "safer" or otherwise better shores?
as difficult as it is to struggle with the balancing act required to manage these competing, and often conflicting interests,
media as a whole, inherently difficult, and possibly insurmountable challenges,
access to other markets, and most recently through the internet,
serves up whatever a focus group prescribes as most likely to make a target audience laugh, think, or stare in stunned

silence, keep the T.V. turned on, the radio blaring, and the newspaper on the front porch,
serve the public in the sense that, to truly enlighten and uplift,
so committed to this ideal that they mak little money,



7. fluency:
一连串问句一气呵成，气势非凡
Is the role of media to serve the needs of society? If so, then in what way? Should media be used to serve in the sense  of

"deliver services", therefore presenting to whatever part of the public is identified as "audience" whatever that audience

seems most to want? Are media simply in business, struggling as any business might to identify and exploit relevant markets?

Conversely, is the role of media to serve society in the sense focusing on the "greater good"; to serve as a sorf of

lighthouse, directing its audience toward "safer" or otherwise better shores?

8.varied sentence structure:
Paragraph 1: Media in the... with many... but the task of... Is... If so, then in what way? Should... therefore presenting to

whatever part of the public is identified as "audience" whatever... Are... Conversely, is... As difficult as it is to stuggle

with... media as a whole can not avoid... Media... by supplying... It serves up... Media also serve the public inteh sense

that... Some members of the media are so committed to this ideal that they make little... Some others are more known for...

or for... such as... However, it is not the level of sensation that... nor whether it is...

Paragraph 2: The reality is that... thus training... Part of our culture's fixation on... and has little to do with the

significance of the message, or the sensational value of the presentation, which are two entirely different things. Sometimes

very significant messages that are... are also sensationall inthe sense that...

Paragraph 3: Even so, the lack of consideration to the long term consequences of one's behaviro or of public policy as a

whole is a major flaw of our society today. This is shown in... It is also revealed in more public spheres, such as... Our

society is... and while the media... it is not certain that our society would be...

Paragraph 4: Finally, it is certain that whatever role media plays, it is a... Whether that impact makes us... is, thankully,

left for...

9. effective vocabulary:
Paragraph 2: consumers of media have grown up enmeshed in, the cyclical pattern of passive consumption fo visual media,

create what a leading neuroscientist calls "neural grooves: that, startling visual images,permeate most most media, is

largely explained by this phenomenon, has little to do with, two entirely different things, aspects of wahtever topic is

being addressed

10.superior facility with the conventions (grammar, usage, and mechanics):
出神入化的对as的使用：
# but the task of defining the appropriate role and/or primary purpose of media in general is as old as the very idea of

communication itself.
#therefore presenting to whatever part of the public is identified as "audience" whatever that audience seems most to want?
#to serve as a sort of lighthouse
# as difficult as it is to struggle with the balancing act requiredto manage these competing
# It serves up whatever a focus group prescribes as most likely to make a targett audiece laugh, think, or stare in stunned

silence
#especially if we are bound as a culture to live from one neuron's fire to the next.
# Whether that impact maks us better or worse as human beings and as a society is, thankfully, left for future generations to

discover.

myown5891UID: 181125

Technology, broadly defined as the use of tools, has a long history.  Ever since Erg the caveman first conked an animal with a rock, people have been using technology.  For thousands of years, the use of tools allowed people to move ever closer together.  Because fields could be cultivated and the technology to store food existed, people would live in cities rather than in small nomadic tribes.  Only very lately have Erg's descendants come to question the benefits of technology.  The Industrial Revolution introduced and spread technologies that mechanized many tasks.  As a result of the drive toward more efficient production and distribution (so the ever larger cities would be supported), people began to act as cogs in the technological machine.  Clothing was no longer produced by groups of women sewing and gossiping together, but by down-trodden automation's operating machinery in grim factories.

The benefits of the new technology of today, computers and the internet, are particularly ambiguous.  They have made work ever more efficient and knit the world together in a web of information and phone lines.  Some visionaries speak of a world in which Erg need not check in to his office; he can just dial in from home.  He won't need to go to a bar to pick up women because there are all those chat rooms.  Hungry?  Erg orders his groceries from an online delivery service.  Bored?  Download a new game.  And yet...

Many people, myself included, are a little queasy about that vision.  Erg may be doing work, but is it real work?  Are his online friends real friends?  Does anything count in a spiritual way if it's just digital?  Since the Industrial Revolution, we have been haunted by the prospect that we are turning into our machines: efficient, productive, souless.  The newest technologies, we fear, are making us flat as our screens, turning us into streams of bits of interchangable data.  We may know a lot of people, but we have few real friends.  We have a lot of things to do, but no reason to do them.  In short, the new technology emphasizes a spiritual crisis that has been building for quite some time.

As I try to unravel which I believe about the relative merits of technology, I think it is instructive to remember technology's original result.  A better plow meant easier farming, more food, longer lives, and more free time to pursue other things such as art.  Our newest technology does not give us more free time; it consumes our free time.  We are terminally distracted from confronting ourselves or each other.  We stay safe, and lonely, in our homes and offices rather than taking the risk of meeting real people or trying new things.

While I am certainly not a Luddite, I do believe we need to look for a bit more balance between technology and life.  We have to tear ourselves away from the fatal distractions and go out into the world.  Technology has given us long lives and endless supplies of information.  Now we need to apply that information, use the time we're not spending conking our dinner with a club, and find our reasons for living.

[ Last edited by myown5891 on 2005-5-5 at 14:31 ]

myown5891UID: 181125

1. complexity:
本文与specialist那篇文很像，hedging the author's bets,沿用一种对issue问题材的3分法，本文输入最难写得single类
单一结论类，或者顶多后面附加背景或原因，让考生自己定夺的话题。这类是ISSUE最多最难的题，而且在这里没有上述那么简单可行的模式可以“僵硬”的套用，可以说这类文章才是考验你思辩能力的东西。那么，是不是对于这种类型就无计可施，只能死背提纲？不绝对是，笔者自己潜心领悟练笔及与参详诸“前辈”的真经，发现尽管到了最高境界，是“无招胜有招”，但是容易上手的潜在规律还是有的，总结下来，有以下三种：方方面面式、因果式、层层深入式，本文属于层层深入式：首先树立起自己论证的对象，然后通过论证手段披露对象的特点，最后进行全面进攻。

2.insightful reasons:
1$ The benefits of the new technology of today, computers and the internet, are particularly ambiguous.
2$ Many people, myself included, are a little queasy about that vision.
3$ As I try to unravel which I believe about the relative merits of technology, I think it is instructive to remember technology's original result.

3. well-focused:
全文一脉相承，段与段之间层层对应，全文还用Erg这个人物串了起来

4. persuasive examples:
1# 肯定technology 的作用时，说到： Some visionaries speak of a world in which Erg need not check in to his office; he can just dial in from home.  He won't need to go to a bar to pick up women because there are all those chat rooms.  Hungry?  Erg orders his groceries from an online delivery service.  Bored?  Download a new game.  
2# 讲到technology 负的一方面时，说道：The newest technologies, we fear, are making us flat as our screens, turning us into streams of bits of interchangable data.  We may know a lot of people, but we have few real friends.  We have a lot of things to do, but no reason to do them.

5. well-organized:
归纳式论证法
开头：背景陈诉
结尾：呼吁行动
正文：例证(illustration)，#Clothing was no longer produced by groups of women sewing and gossiping together, but by down-trodden automation's operating machinery in grim factories. # Some visionaries speak of a world in which Erg need not check in to his office; he can just dial in from home.  He won't need to go to a bar to pick up women because there are all those chat rooms.  Hungry?  Erg orders his groceries from an online delivery service.  Bored?  Download a new game.#The newest technologies, we fear, are making us flat as our screens, turning us into streams of bits of interchangable data.

因果(cause-and-effect)， As a result of the drive toward more efficient production and distribution (so the ever larger cities would be supported), people began to act as cogs in the technological machine.
对比(contrast)，  We may know a lot of people, but we have few real friends.  We have a lot of things to do, but no reason to do them.
对照(comparison)， Some visionaries speak of a world in which Erg need not check in to his office; he can just dial in from home.  He won't need to go to a bar to pick up women because there are all those chat rooms.  Hungry?  Erg orders his groceries from an online delivery service.  Bored?  Download a new game.  
定义(definition)，Technology, broadly defined as the use of tools,
分类(classification)：

6。clearly and precisely:

7:fluently

8.varied sentence structure:
Technology, broadly defined as... has ...  Ever since... people have been...  For thousands of years, the use of tools allowed ...  Because... people would... rather than...  Only very lately have ... come to question the ... The Industrial Revolution introduced and spread...  As a result of ... people began to act as... Clothing was no longer... but by...

The benefits of the new technology of today, computers and the Internet, are particularly...  They have made...  Some visionaries speak of a world in which ...he can just...  He won't need to ... because...  Hungry?  Erg orders ...  Bored?  Download a new game.  And yet...

Many people, myself included, are a little queasy about that vision.  Erg may be ... but is it ...  Are his... Does anything count in ...if it's just digital?  Since... we have been haunted by the prospect that we are turning into our machines: efficient, productive, souless.  The newest technologies, we fear, are making us ...   We may ... but we have...  We have ... but... In short, the new technology emphasizes ...

As I try to unravel which... I think it is instructive to r...  A better plow meant...  Our newest technology does not give us ... We are terminally distracted from...  We stay safe, and lonely, in our homes and offices rather than ...

While... I do believe...  We have to... Technology has given us ...  Now we need to ...

9.effective vocabulary:
broadly defined as,,a long history,  Ever since,  conked,  For thousands of years, nomadic , come to question ,  introduced and spread technologies that mechanized many tasks. distribution ,act as cogs in the technological machine.  groups of women sewing and gossiping together, down-trodden automation's operating machinery in grim factories.

ambiguous.  knit the world together in a web of information and phone lines.  Some visionaries speak of a world in which Erg need not check in to his office; he can just dial in from home.  He won't need to go to a bar to pick up women because there are all those chat rooms. orders his groceries from an online delivery service.  

a little queasy about ,  count in a spiritual way ,   haunted by the prospect that ,e newest technologies, we fear,  making us flat as our screens, turning us into streams of bits of interchangeable data.  emphasizes a spiritual crisis

As I try to unravel which I believe about the relative merits of technology, I think it is instructive to remember technology's original result. consumes our free time.  terminally distracted from confronting ourselves or each other.  We stay safe, and lonely, in our homes and offices rather than taking the risk of meeting real people or trying new things.

a Luddite, look for a bit more balance,  tear ourselves away from, the fatal distractions,  


10.superior facility with the conventions (grammar, usage, and mechanics):
排比：Some visionaries speak of a world in which Erg need not check in to his office; he can just dial in from home.  He won't need to go to a bar to pick up women because there are all those chat rooms.  Hungry?  Erg orders his groceries from an online delivery service.  Bored?  Download a new game.  
The newest technologies, we fear, are making us flat as our screens, turning us into streams of bits of interchangable data.  We may know a lot of people, but we have few real friends.  We have a lot of things to do, but no reason to do them.
Since the Industrial Revolution, we have been haunted by the prospect that we are turning into our machines: efficient, productive, souless.
We stay safe, and lonely, in our homes and offices rather than taking the risk of meeting real people or trying new things.


倒装： Only very lately have Erg's descendants come to question the benefits of technology.

反问：Erg may be doing work, but is it real work?  Are his online friends real friends?  Does anything count in a spiritual way if it's just digital?

设问：  Hungry?  Erg orders his groceries from an online delivery service.  Bored?  Download a new game.

[ Last edited by myown5891 on 2005-5-5 at 14:33 ]

myown5891UID: 181125

SAMPLE-5 (score 5)
I disagree with the argument that "Both the development of technological tools and the uses to which humanity has put them have created modern civilizations in which loneliness is ever increasing."" Arguments can be made for this thesis, but they depend largely upon what I believe to be a poor definition of "loneliness".

If one defines loneliness as the absence of as much physical, face-to-face contact with other people, then this argument is probably true.  The invention of modern telecommunications devices such as telephones, fax machines, and computers has definitely cut down on the amount of physical contact with other people.  This is especially true in recent times due to the extremely rapid expansion of the Internet.  E-mail and tele-conferencing are direct substitutes for physical contact, especially in the business world.

However, I believe that loneliness can be better measured by intellectual contact with other individuals.  Unarguably, modern technology makes this faster and easier, with better communication with a larger number of people.  Some employers have argued that productivity is lessened since they have had computers linked to the Internet, as the employees spend much of their time "chatting" with friends, acquaintances, or business contacts across the country.  This is probably not a good thing for the employers, but it demonstrates the increased degree of communication due to modern technology.

Of course, some technologies have increased loneliness by any standards, such as the automobile or other transportation mechanisms.  These encourage substantially longer commutes between home and work.  Automobiles have made possible the pattern of suburbanization that has been in place in the United States since immediately after World War Two.  Time spent commuting is generally unproductive and spent alone, unless the individual in question is car-pooling or using mass transit.  The contribution of the commuting culture to loneliness may actually be changing now due to new technology that is being invented and used by the general public.  Popular new devices, such as the cellular phone, the laptop computer, and the combination thereof may actually convert commuting time to a period of increased communications between people, to "pass the time".  This will be especially true as use of mass transit grows, which will probably happen, due to problems with gas shortages, air pollution, and the creation of further mass transit by federal and local governments.

The motivation for the declaration that loneliness is increasing may be due to the fact that many people, especially blue-collar workers, are unable to afford or use these new devices.  However, since the advent of the personal computer, the price per computing power has continually lowered rapidly, and this trend shows no sign of changing.  Several companies, such as Sun Microsystems and Oracle have announced that they are attempting to develop terminals with little computing power, but a full capability to access the Internet.  These devices will be in approximately the $500 price range, which is much more reasonable than the price of the current top of the line PC.  In addition, to cater to a larger mass of the public, software companies have been carefully making their products easier to use by non-"computer nerds".  This trend is not likely to cease.

In conclusion, although early development of modern transportation may have increased loneliness, I believe that more recent technologies are actually doing the opposite, stimulating interpersonal contact and encouraging intellectual expansion.  The perception that the opposite is true derives from what I believe is poor definition of loneliness and the difficulty that the working class has in acquiring and using modern telecommunications devices.

[ Last edited by myown5891 on 2005-5-5 at 14:30 ]

myown5891UID: 181125

1.yet transitions between paragraphs are not always smooth:
可以改成：
I disagree with the argument that "Both the development of technological tools and the uses to which humanity has put them

have created modern civilizations in which loneliness is ever increasing. Although early development of modern transportation

may have increased loneliness, I believe that more recent technologies are actually doing the opposite, stimulating

interpersonal contact and encouraging intellectual expansion. In addtion, the perception that the opposite is true derives

from what I believe is poor definition of loneliness.

On the one hand, of course, some technologies have increased loneliness by any standards, such as the automobile or other

transportation mechanisms.  These encourage substantially longer commutes between home and work.  Automobiles have made

possible the pattern of suburbanization that has been in place in the United States since immediately after the World War

Two.  Time spent commuting is generally unproductive and spent alone, unless the individual in question is car-pooling or

using mass transit.  The contribution of the commuting culture to loneliness may actually be changing now due to new

technology that is being invented and used by the general public.  Popular new devices, such as the cellular phone, the

laptop computer, and the combination thereof may actually convert commuting time to a period of increased communications

between people, to "pass the time".  This will be especially true as use of mass transit grows, which will probably happen,

due to problems with gas shortages, air pollution, and the creation of further mass transit by federal and local governments.

On the other hand, the arguer do not make out the real intendment of loneliness. If one defines loneliness as the absence of

as much physical, face-to-face contact with other people, then this argument is probably true.  The invention of modern

telecommunications devices such as telephones, fax machines, and computers has definitely cut down on the amount of physical

contact with other people.  This is especially true in recent times due to the extremely rapid expansion of the Internet.  E

-mail and tele-conferencing are direct substitutes for physical contact, especially in the business world.

However, I believe that loneliness can be better measured by intellectual contact with other individuals.  Unarguably, modern technology makes this faster and easier, with better communication with a larger number of people.  Some employers have argued that productivity is lessened since they have had computers linked to the Internet, as the employees spend much of their time "chatting" with friends, acquaintances, or business contacts across the country.  This is probably not a good

thing for the employers, but it demonstrates the increased degree of communication due to modern technology.

In the final analysis, albeit the break-neck innovation and technological breakthrough are available to present-day human

beings, it can only make sense under the condition that people can really reap benefits and enjoy the help that the

development of technological tools provide.  Modern technology, such as the cellular telephone and the application of

Internet, have already made people feel the advantage to get on with each other and commucate effectively and efficatiously

with others. So do not just take the new technology for it, find how you can make more good friends by using these new

technology.

myown5891UID: 181125

SAMPLE-4 (score 4)
Looking at the above statement, I see a lot of truth to the statement .  There are many ways that society has used the advanced technology in order to isolate themselves.  It may or may not be a consious move, but the results are all the same.  The isolation occurs in a variety of ways and in all different areas.  By computerizing factories, there are more and  more people working long hours by themselves, with there only companion as a computer monitor.  Although the company may be getting better production, the question that needs to be ask is at what cost to their employees.

It is not only the management of big factories that are responsible for this isolation.  This lonliness can be seen in many other settings.  With the growing popularity of the television, the nation is seeing a decline in families talking and an increase in watching the television. Not only can this result in a generation of "coach potatoes", it is also causes less communication and a feeling of isolation from everyone that a person cares about.

So far technology has entered the work place and the home, it has also entered the social relm.  When you go to order food in the drive-thru, who is or better yet what is it that you talk to?  It is a machine, although there is a person on the other end, you are still reciting your order to a machine.  If it is ten o'clock at night and you need money, there are ATM's.  All of these gadgets may be very nice and convient, but they result in lack of human contact.

Although it might be easy to blame technolgy for our feelings of loneliness, it is just a cop out.  By looking at all the ways technology causes isolation, it is still people who choose to use these convenient methods.  If a person wants to have human contact, all they have to do is go inside to the bank or go inside the resturaunt to order.  What it basically boils down to, is that it is our choice whether or not we use technology.  It is a scary thought to think maybe one day we might live in a society where you will never have to leave your house.  That  by using FAX machines, computers, modems, and the telephone a person would never have to have human contact to get their job done.  The thing is that if that is not what we as a society wants, we are the ones to speak out and change the outcome.

myown5891UID: 181125

1. effective vocabulary:
a cop out,
Looking at the above statement, I see a lot of truth to the statement,
What it basically boils down to, is that it is our choice whether or not we use technology.
coach potatoes, drive-thru,

2. but the examples are not always clearly relevant (e.g., in the case of paragraph one's "computerizing" of factories, the decision to use the technology is not made by the individual worker.)
把in order to 改成only to:
Looking at the above statement, I see a lot of truth to the statement .  There are many ways that society has used the advanced technology only to isolate themselves.  It may or may not be a consious move, but the results are all the same.  The isolation occurs in a variety of ways and in all different areas.  By computerizing factories, there are more and  more people working long hours by themselves, with there only companion as a computer monitor.  Although the company may be getting better production, the question that needs to be ask is at what cost to their employees.

3.Also, the reasoning is not developed as fully as it would be in a response at the score level of 6 or 5.
改成：

Looking at the above statement, I see a lot of truth to the statement. There are many ways that society has used the advanced technology only to isolate themselves.  It may or may not be a consious move, but the results are all the same.  The isolation occurs in a variety of ways and in all different areas.

Workman's lives in the factory is a case in point. By computerizing factories, there are more and  more people working long hours by themselves, with there only companion as a computer monitor.  Although the company may be getting better production, the question that needs to be ask is at what cost to their employees.

It is much more than the management of big factories that are responsible for this isolation; this lonliness can be seen in  many other settings.  With the growing popularity of the television, the nation is seeing a decline in families talking and an increase in watching the television. Not only can this result in a generation of "coach potatoes", it is also causes less communication and a feeling of isolation from everyone that a person cares about.

So far technology has entered the work place and the home, it has also entered the social relm.  When you go to order food in the drive-thru, who is or better yet what is it that you talk to?  It is a machine, although there is a person on the other end, you are still reciting your order to a machine.  If it is ten o'clock at night and you need money, there are ATM's.  All of these gadgets may be very nice and convient, but they result in lack of human contact.

4. In general, ideas are presented clearly, although awkward phrasing sometimes contributes to vagueness (e.g., "By looking at all the ways technology causes isolation, it is still people who choose to use these convenient methods").

改成：
By looking at all the ways technology causes isolation, it is still up to people who choose to use these convenient methods.


5. The last paragraph could be much more clearly focused:  since several sentences repeat the same idea -- that "it is our choice whether or not we use technology" -- and the purpose or meaning of others (e.g., the last) is not immediately clear.

改成：
It is a scary thought to think maybe one day we might live in a society where you will never have to leave your house.  That  by using FAX machines, computers, modems, and the telephone a person would never have to have human contact to get their job done. Although it might be easy to blame technology for our feelings of loneliness, it is just a cop out.  By looking at all the ways technology causes isolation, it is still up to people who choose to use these convenient methods.  If a person wants to have human contact, all they have to do is go inside to the bank or go inside the resturaunt to order. The thing is that if that is not what we as a society wants, we are the ones to speak out and change the outcome.

6. Lack of sentence variety seems to inhibit the communication of ideas (e.g., many short sentences are often used where one or two compound ones could make the points more effectively).  Overall, however, this is an adequate response to the topic.

改成：
Looking at the above statement, I see a lot of truth to the statement. There are many ways that human beings have used the advanced technology only to isolate themselves.  To be more specific, the isolation occurs in a variety of ways and in all different areas.

Workman's lives in the factory are a case in point. By computerizing factories, there are more and more people working long hours by themselves, with only companion as a computer monitor.  The question that needs to be asked is at what cost to their employees the production is cost-effective.  According to a latest survey conducted by the Sociology Department of Hongkong University, owing to an ambience of working lonely which breeds stress and psychological displacement, there are now three times as many workingman's compensation claims found on job depression as in 1985.  

It is much more than the management of big factories that are responsible for this isolation; this loneliness can be seen in  many other settings.  With the growing popularity of the television, the nation is seeing a decline in families talking and an increase in watching the television. Not only can this result in a generation of "coach potatoes", but also causes less communication and a feeling of isolation from everyone that a person cares about.

So far technology has entered the work place and the home, the paradigm of lonliness that the technology triggers applies with equal force in the worlds of social realm.  When you go to order food in the drive-thru, who is or better yet what is it that you talk to?  It is a machine; although there is a person on the other end, you are still reciting your order to a machine.  If it is ten o'clock at night and you need money, there are ATM's. Nice and convenient as all of these gadgets may be, they result in lack of human contact from which loneliness arises.

It is a scary thought to think maybe one day we might live in a society where you will never have to leave your house.  That  by using FAX machines, computers, modems, and the telephone a person would never have to have human contact to get their job done. Although it might be easy to blame technology for our feelings of loneliness, it is just a cop out.  By looking at all the ways technology causes isolation, it is still up to people who choose to use these convenient methods. That is to say, we are the ones to speak out and change the outcome. So if a person wants to have more human contact, all they have to do is turning off the television, walking into the bank to withdraw some savings through clerks and cross the threshold of restaurant to enjoy a scrumptious meal with colleagues and friends.

[ Last edited by myown5891 on 2005-5-5 at 14:28 ]

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