issue10 请老美批改了,我觉得走题了,按照imong的说法,但是她说没有

sophywUID: 203712

我觉得这篇文章从imong的特训来看走题了,但是老美说就该这么写,贴出来给大家看看,还希望大家能提点意见,还有老美总是说要进一步论证,不知道到底要进一步到什么程度,字数是有限制的呀!
还有最后的让步是否真有必要,因为老美说要展开,但是这样不就喧宾夺主了吗?
不知道我们的写作想法是不是真的和老美还是有很大不同的,不知道该遵循哪个,还请大家帮忙看看:)
topic:
Governments must ensure that their major cities receive the financial support they need in order to thrive, because it is primarily in cities that a nation's cultural traditions are preserved and generated.

body:
The speaker asserts dual claims: (1). A nation’s cultural traditions are primarily preserved and generated in cities. (2). Due to this reason, the government should afford financial aid to these cities to ensure their thrive. As far as I concerned, I totally disagree with this two assertions. For the former, I do not agree that both the substance and mental cultural traditions are primarily conserved in cities. And for the latter, the government affording financial aid to these cities just in order to preserve and generate cultural traditions seems somewhat absolutely, and there are many other reasons affect it.

From what you say above, I think you agree that government should aid cities, but you don’t agree that it is simply because of cultural preservation.  If I captured your point correctly, I would change the language in your sentence, “As far as I am concerned, I totally disagree with this two assertions.”   Maybe a sentence like the following, “While I agree that the government should aid its major cities, I would argue that the rationale is not limited to just cultural preservation.”

What are cultural traditions? Different answers will be made for different persons who have different education backgrounds and life experience. But for me, they do not only mean the historical resorts, old architecture; they also mean human mental cultural heritage, such like music tradition, sacred tradition and language expression.


I think you should emphasize that you are not arguing about the importance of cultural traditions since they are indeed central.  You are asserting that these traditions span the entire county, and not just the cities.  Maybe talk about cultural traditions are passed on from generation to generation, which is even more important in rural areas.  You need to make stronger points about culture in rural areas.  Give examples about what you mean about ‘mental’ cultural traditions, and say why they are so important.  Especially in rural areas, people rely on their families and cultural traditions to define their community.  In essence, cultural traditions are instrumental to nation’s foundation from every corner of the nation.

For the speaker’s first claim, it must be admitted that many historically artificial architectures are in major cities, but when it comes to mental heritage, rural plays an indispensable role. For Beijing as an example, there are many historical resorts such as Summer Place, Forbidden City and the Great Wall in it and every year the government must maintain them using financial support. But in mental cultural traditions terms, Beijing’s paucity is obvious. Many of the outskirts of Beijing preserve the mental cultural traditions, such as China Opera, Kongfu and folk ballad. Therefore it is not wise to say that cultural traditions primarily are preserved in cities. Rural weigh city when the mentally cultural traditions are taken into account.

For the speaker’s latter assertion, not only because of cultural traditions needing preserved and generated, but also because of many other considerations, the government must give financial aid to these cities. There are several reasons why plight of major cities within a nation is dependent on government. The first reason is that with the government financial aid, people living in these cities could be leading a high quality life. Everybody has a dream to pursue a better living condition. With the financial support of the governments, the cities could utilize it to better education, health care, transportation and jobs. For example, better transportation systems provide better accessibility to jobs, which in turn support a more robust economic system. And it is same to the education, supporting education allows for more advancement (scholarly, technology, etc.) within a nation.  A more educated nation can have global influence as well.

Expand more on the points of transportation, health care, jobs, etc.  I don’t know what your word limit for the essay is, but each of these topics can be expanded in a few sentences.  Why are each of these topics important?  





Another reason is that the government financial aid provides a possibility for these cities to invest in their security system and long-term research project. For instance, security is of importance to maintain a city’s stability. By the stability of the city, persons could be freely do out-door jobs and freely go out for business, which in turn ensure the communication among the cities and correspondingly the city’s economic and statue is reinforced.
As a general rule, when you make an assertion, you should back it up with strong arguments.  I think you above argument is a good start, but needs stronger thrust.


However, it does not deny that it is necessary for the city to raise the money itself. To realize it, the city must develop its local economy and local cultural. With the government financial support, it must fully take advantage of it and strive for its goal.
The above paragraph is weak.  Why should a city raise money itself?  Why would it help to not just rely on government support?  How does it strengthen a city morale?   How can this be accomplished?



In sum, cultural traditions are not primarily preserved and generated in cities. Rural make a vital role in conserving these traditions too. Therefore, the reasons for the government afford financial aid to these cities are not only to preserve cultural traditions, but also to ensure the stability of these cities and flourish of them.

davidjackyUID: 135962

替你编辑过，谢谢分享。
首先，同意美国老师的给出一个观点就要develop，这是issue的基本要素之一。
其次，我不同意鬼子讲mental文化在rural的重要性，问题关键在于文化传统在农村而已，这是与城市对比，去反驳政府因文化在城市保存而资助问题。
最后，字数没有限制，只要你在规定时间内写完一篇即可。

sophywUID: 203712

我想知道,这篇文章的题目是:因为文化主要在城市中保留,所以政府需要拨款给城市.
而文章有两段都是将因为教育\交通;因为社会的稳定,政府才需要拨款,并不是因为文化的保留与发展,
想知道这样写算不算imog说得跑题作文,因为:
这个题目是一个因果关系,
1.A错->B
2.A并不能->b
3.c->b
但是这篇文章太强调c的作用了,会不会认为是跑题?
谢谢!

sophywUID: 203712

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