issue100 欢迎拍转！！多谢！

iPodUID: 2105485

issue 100 "The pressure to achieve high grades in school seriously limits the quality of learning. An educational environment

without grades would promote more genuine intellectual development."

提纲
1.学分是学校和社会衡量学生成绩的重要标准.
2.学分也迫使不自觉的学生学习,是必要的压力.
3.片面追求高分而没有真正的知识技能行不通.

The speaker contends that students in school would focus their attention on improving genuine intellectual development in a

sheer educational environment without scores,for the reason that the quality of studying is severely restricted by the stress

to get high scores.I strongly disagree.Although the fact that some students are compelled to get high scores may limit the

quality of learning,grades are needed as an important standard of judgment on a student.

Firstly,as we know,standard of judgment on people as well as grades on students are indispensables everywhere.Our society  

cannot operate normally and fluently without it.For example,how could a company determine whether a employee is suited for

the position without a standard of employment judgement?When we hunt for jobs,not only our certificates but academic grades

are the requirements by the reason that grades of a student conveys his capability of learning and understanding of the

knowledge the school teaches and whether the student can strive for studying and,the most important point is whether he is

competent on the job he applies for.What's more,grade,as a vital and indispensable standard of judgment for students,makes

them seized of their real level of mastering knowledge by the means of taking exams.Take my roommate for example,after

getting high grades in the CET-4 (College English Test Band 4),with which self-satisfaction was filled he then indulged

himself in on-line games and learning was no longer what he concerned.So he spent a unrestricted time without exams and

grades.Nevertheless,his free days did not last a long time.As a result,his grades of CET-6 got him a serious shock,only 34

scores he had.He could not even believe this truth and got depressed day by day.In my point of view,an educational

environment without grades could be adverse to my roommate rather than help him improve more intellectual development.

Secondly,many students are not the ones who are willing to learn in school and therefore,a very effective and efficient means

grade is to compel them to.Especially in primary school,children could not be self-conscious enough to learn as they do not

have plenty of self-control as well as adults do.So if they get very low grades or unfortunately flunk,they will make up

their minds and force themselves to learn knowledge.Although,grades may sometimes embarrass the students who fail to get high

grades and even strike their frail confidences,the negative influence is limited.Besides,the competitive environment and

pressure that students strive for high scores will make they accustomed to the severely vying job market in the future and

keep them survive.Supposed that after learning in a totally sheer educational environment without grades then the student

graduates and hunts for a job.Without the knowledge of how to compete with his job-hunting opponents and ability of how to

survive in such a competitive world,job markets may frustrate him,work environment might make him depressed and the very

victim he will be in the braw but naive and immature imagination of the speaker's.How could a person survive in a hundred-

percent unknown world as if one walks in a pitch-dark night?To a certain extent,one generation may suffer from this type of

educational system the speak advocates if his tentative plan comes true.

Admittely,the way just pursue high grades unilaterally rather than master the real knowledge cannot do in the future.And many

students who got high grades in school but do not have real knowledge are called "high grades but low ability" ones.After

all,high grades cannot prove everything.It is only the main standard of judgment on students.It is the students who really

master skills and knowledge that a society and country expect.

Finally,schools should avoid such complexion of pursuing high grades unilaterally but educate students' comprehensive

knowledge and abilities.Grades,of course,as a main educational measure cannot be thrown away and its important role in

education should not be ignored.Without it,our educational environment may fall into a learning game being devoid of rules.

                                                                                                                              

                           finished at 17:54 pm on Jun 17issue100 自我感觉还行，很希望砖头来袭！

iPodUID: 2105485

issue 100 "The pressure to achieve high grades in school seriously limits the quality of learning. An educational environment without grades would promote more genuine intellectual development."

提纲
1.学分是学校和社会衡量学生成绩的重要标准.
2.学分也迫使不自觉的学生学习,是必要的压力.
3.片面追求高分而没有真正的知识技能行不通.

The speaker contends that students in school would focus their attention on improving genuine intellectual development in a sheer educational environment without scores,for the reason that the quality of studying is severely restricted by the stress to get high scores.I strongly disagree.Although the fact that some students are compelled to get high scores may limit the quality of learning,grades are needed as an important standard of judgment on a student.

Firstly,as we know,standard of judgment on people as well as grades on students are indispensables everywhere.Our society  cannot operate normally and fluently without it.For example,how could a company determine whether a employee is suited for the position without a standard of employment judgement?When we hunt for jobs,not only our certificates but academic grades are the requirements by the reason that grades of a student conveys his capability of learning and understanding of the knowledge the school teaches and whether the student can strive for studying and,the most important point is whether he is competent on the job he applies for.What's more,grade,as a vital and indispensable standard of judgment for students,makes them seized of their real level of mastering knowledge by the means of taking exams.Take my roommate for example,after getting high grades in the CET-4 (College English Test Band 4),with which self-satisfaction was filled he then indulged himself in on-line games and learning was no longer what he concerned.So he spent a unrestricted time without exams and grades.Nevertheless,his free days did not last a long time.As a result,his grades of CET-6 got him a serious shock,only 34 scores he had.He could not even believe this truth and got depressed day by day.In my point of view,an educational environment without grades could be adverse to my roommate rather than help him improve more intellectual development.

Secondly,many students are not the ones who are willing to learn in school and therefore,a very effective and efficient means grade is to compel them to.Especially in primary school,children could not be self-conscious enough to learn as they do not have plenty of self-control as well as adults do.So if they get very low grades or unfortunately flunk,they will make up their minds and force themselves to learn knowledge.Although,grades may sometimes embarrass the students who fail to get high grades and even strike their frail confidences,the negative influence is limited.Besides,the competitive environment and pressure that students strive for high scores will make they accustomed to the severely vying job market in the future and keep them survive.Supposed that after learning in a totally sheer educational environment without grades then the student graduates and hunts for a job.Without the knowledge of how to compete with his job-hunting opponents and ability of how to survive in such a competitive world,job markets may frustrate him,work environment might make him depressed and the very victim he will be in the braw but naive and immature imagination of the speaker's.How could a person survive in a hundred-percent unknown world as if one walks in a pitch-dark night?To a certain extent,one generation may suffer from this type of educational system the speak advocates if his tentative plan comes true.

Admittely,the way just pursue high grades unilaterally rather than master the real knowledge cannot do in the future.And many students who got high grades in school but do not have real knowledge are called "high grades but low ability" ones.After all,high grades cannot prove everything.It is only the main standard of judgment on students.It is the students who really master skills and knowledge that a society and country expect.

Finally,schools should avoid such complexion of pursuing high grades unilaterally but educate students' comprehensive knowledge and abilities.Grades,of course,as a main educational measure cannot be thrown away and its important role in education should not be ignored.Without it,our educational environment may fall into a learning game being devoid of rules.

                                                                                                                                                         finished at 17:54 pm on Jun 17

iPodUID: 2105485

本来发了一篇但格式没弄好
所以又贴了一篇
希望斑竹不要怪我~

songwei1765UID: 202658

注意文章格式~~

cloudbirdUID: 208021

The speaker contends that students in school would focus their attention on improving genuine intellectual development in a sheer educational environment without scores,for the reason that the quality of studying is severely restricted by the stress to get high scores.I strongly disagree.Although the fact that some students are compelled to get high scores may limit the quality of learning,grades are <needed>（不妨换个更有力的词） as an important standard of （用in doing sth 可能更好）<judgment>（用evaluate可能更好些，搭配也随着换一换） on a student.
（开头还不错，我也常用这种方式开头）

Firstly,<as we know>(可以不要) ,standard of judgment on people（最好不要说到“人们”上去，就说学生。as well as句型的重心好像在前面，岂不此段需要主要说“人们”去） as well as grades on students are indispensables everywhere. Our society（说到整个社会上去了，把范围扯大了不好） cannot operate normally and fluently without it（them）.For example,how could a company determine whether a employee（用毕业生好些） is suited for the position without a standard of employment judgement?When we（we 与employee最好指同一个对象，        保持一致性，都用毕业生可能更好） hunt for jobs,not only our certificates but academic grades are the requirements by the reason that grades of a student （加个often之类的限定词，不要太绝对，在其它的句子中也最好要注意这一点）conveys his capability of learning and understanding of the knowledge the school teaches and （加个that，和前一个并列）whether the student can strive for studying and,the most important point is whether he is competent on the job he applies for.（前面这一句给人比较乱的感觉，不妨把各个句子关系与结构写清楚些）What's more,grade ，as a vital and indispensable standard of judgment for students,makes them seized of their real level of mastering knowledge by the means of taking exams（后半句怪怪的，不妨再改一改）.Take my roommate for example,after getting high grades in the CET-4 (College English Test Band 4),with which self-satisfaction was filled he then indulged himself in on-line games and learning was no longer what he concerned（前半句怪怪的，不妨再改一改）.So he spent a unrestricted time without exams and grades.Nevertheless,his free days did not last a long time.As a result,his grades of CET-6 got him a serious shock,only 34 scores he had.<He could not even believe this truth and got depressed day by day>(这一句可以不要，与论证关系不大，有34分的结果能说明情况很糟了).In my point of view,an educational environment without grades could be adverse to my roommate rather than help him improve more intellectual development.（这个例子不能够充分支持你的观点，如果在argument中，我要批是不是其它原因《玩游戏>导致这个结果。并且你的观点是grade ，as a vital and indispensable standard of judgment for students,makes them seized of their real level of mastering knowledge by the means of taking exams。如果没有对其论述，as后面的就最好不要,也就是关键句最好避免节外生枝》
（个人认为，此段的对象作者用到了people,student,employee,we,he,them,不断变化啊，最好确保指代的是同一个对象）

Secondly,many students are not the ones who are willing to learn in school and therefore,a very effective and efficient means （of）grade is（used） to compel them to（do sth）.Especially in primary school,children could（may好些）not be self-conscious enough to learn as they do （，and may）not have（have not） plenty (此词修饰self-control 好像不太地道)of self-control as well as（用一个as就够了） adults do.So if they get very low grades or unfortunately flunk,they will （不要太绝对）make up their minds and force themselves to learn knowledge.Although,grades may sometimes embarrass the students who fail to get high grades and even strike their frail confidences,the negative influence is limited（不要轻易说，说了就要论证之）.Besides,the competitive environment and pressure that students strive for high scores will make they accustomed to the severely vying job market in the future and keep them survive.Supposed that after learning in a totally sheer educational environment without grades then the student graduates and hunts for a job.Without the knowledge of how to compete with his job-hunting opponents and ability of how to survive in such a competitive world,job markets may frustrate him,work environment might make him depressed and the very victim he will be in the braw but naive and immature imagination of the speaker's.How could a person survive in a hundred-percent unknown world as if one walks in a pitch-dark night?To a certain extent,one generation may suffer from this type of educational system the speak advocates if his tentative plan comes true.（如果你的本段的第一句使主题句，则这个例子好像也没有好好地支持你本段的主题，主题说使学生有压力学习，目的在学习；这个例子说这种压力对今后工作有用）

Admittely,the way just pursue high grades unilaterally rather than master the real knowledge cannot do in the future.And many students who got high grades in school but do not have real knowledge are called "high grades but low ability" ones.After all,high grades cannot prove everything.It is only the main standard of judgment on students.It is the students who really master skills and knowledge that a society and country expect.（这一段没有进行深入论证，倒是说了好几句，其实只要主要说一个观点，然后围绕之深入论述是最好的。）（让步时不要在先前说什么什么好，又在同一个层面上说其不足。一般都是在某些方面好，在某些方面不好，这就需要区分这些方面， 然后分别说好处与不足，区分得越好，论证就越有力）
Finally,schools should avoid such complexion of pursuing high grades unilaterally but educate students' comprehensive knowledge and abilities.Grades,of course,as a main educational measure cannot be thrown away and its important role in education should not be ignored.Without it,our educational environment may fall into a learning game being devoid of rules.

(总的来说,全文结构不是很清楚，论证也不是很有力与深入，逻辑的严密性也有待提高。同时要注意对象的描述尽量体现一致性；描述尽量少用或者不用绝对的词。还有语言不是怎么地流畅，还需要继续加强啊！！)

（仔细研究题目，然后提炼明确观点，再提供几个中心论点支持全文观点,用各种论证方法对各个分论点进行论证。这四步以及中间三个衔接过程的逻辑非常重要。这就是全文的骨架所在，全文的任何一句都要为这个骨架的一部分或者整体所服务，也就是找到它的价值所在。任何不能体现这一目的的话都是没有用。所以文章好坏最基本的在于全文对这个骨架的显示的清晰程度，体现的越清晰，让人一看就懂，则大体上就是好文了)

cloudbirdUID: 208021

ipod,谢谢你给我改的文章！
你的前两篇有人给改过了，所以就给改了你最新的这一篇 。

runningpiggyUID: 194977

占个座,明天来改

runningpiggyUID: 194977

The speaker contends that students in school would focus their attention on improving genuine intellectual development in a sheer educational environment without scores, for the reason that the quality of studying is severely restricted by the stress to get high scores.I strongly disagree.这个.....读起来有点奇怪......前面这么长的一句.....然后接个这么短的句子......不如将这个i strongly disagree提前吧......写成i strongly disagree the prevailing belief that student in school would focus their attention on improving genuine intellectual development in a sheer educational environment without scores......但是如果这样写的话.........后面的原因状语就别写了......不然会让人看不懂的...... Although the fact that some students are compelled to get high scores may limit the quality of learning,grades are needed as an important standard of judgment on a student.不俗的开头.....

Firstly,as we know,standard of judgment on people as well as grades on students are indispensables everywhere.这里不如把这两个句子用个because或者for联起来吧......Our society cannot operate normally and fluently without it.For example,how could a company determine whether an employee is suited for the position without a standard of employment judgement?不要老写judgment了.......evaluation......assessment都是很好的词.......而且.......别为了回答而提问......When we hunt for jobs,not only our certificates but academic grades are the requirements byfor the reason that grades of a student conveys his capability of learning and understanding of the knowledge the school teaches and whether the student can strive for studying and,the most important point is whether he is competent on the job he applies for.这句子也太长了吧.......其实可以写成一个排比句......效果应该会更好......呵呵......我就不写了.....楼主自己想想吧......What's more,grade,as a vital and indispensable这种大词别出现两次....... standard of judgment for students,makes them seized of their real level of mastering knowledge by the means of taking exams.Take my roommate for example,after getting high grades in the CET-4 (College English Test Band 4),with which self-satisfaction was filled he then indulged himself in on-line games and learning was no longer what he concerned.Soso放句首挺怪的.......用therefore或者consequently之类的放开头比较好....... he spent an unrestricted time without exams and grades.Nevertheless,his free days did not last a long time.As a result,his grades of CET-6 got him a serious shock,only 34 scores he had.He could not even believe this truth and got depressed day by day.In my point of view,an educational environment without grades could be adverse to my roommate rather than help him improve more intellectual development.不要写完例子马上就结束这一段.....说说例子如何支撑论点........然后再restate或者升华一下论点.......

Secondly,many students are not the ones who are willing to learn要是我我会写......the ones who study instintively........ in school and therefore,a very effective and efficient means grade is to compel them to.Especially in primary school,children could not be self-conscious enough to learn as they do not have plenty of self-control as well as adults do.So又一次......少把so放句首..... if they get very low grades or unfortunately flunk,they will make up their minds and force themselves to learn knowledge.learn就好了.....后面跟个knowledge好奇怪......Although,grades may sometimes embarrass the students who fail to get high grades and even strike their frail confidences这个不可数的吧......,the negative influence is limited.为什么是有限的应该交代一下.....Besides,the competitive environment and pressure that students strive for high scores will make theythem accustomed to the severely vying job market in the future and keep them survive.Supposed that after learning in a totally sheer educational environment without grades then这个then不用写...... the student graduates and hunts for a job.Without the knowledge of how to compete with his job-hunting opponents and ability of how to survive in such a competitive world,job markets may frustrate him,work environment might make him depressed and the very victim he will be in the braw but naive and immature imagination of the speaker's.这句话似乎语法有问题......How could a person survive in a hundred-percent unknown world as if one walks in a pitch-dark night?用as if很好......但是别问问题了......To a certain extent,one generation may suffer from this type of educational system the speak advocates if his tentative plan comes true.呃......我觉得这段后面的论据不是很充分.....例子也缺乏......

Admittely,the way just这个just用得不太好......我觉得这句话应该写成......the way of pursuing high grades unilaterally rather than mastering the real knowledge cannot work in the future...... pursue high grades unilaterally rather than master the real knowledge cannot do in the future.Andand写在开头真的很怪......写个moreover或者in addition就好了........ many students who gotget high grades in school but do not have real knowledge are called "high grades but low ability" ones.After all,high grades cannot prove everything.这句话太chinglish了......It is only用just the main standardstandard也有好多差不多意思的词......criterion.......gauge......benchmark之类的...... of judgment on students.It is the students who really master skills and knowledge that a society and country expect.这段的让步也不充分......说的太泛泛了......我觉得说过分重视grade的flaw应该是让学生的时间都花到追逐分数上了....而无法全面发展.......

Finally, schools should avoid such complexion of pursuing high grades unilaterally but educate students' comprehensive knowledge and abilities.Grades,of course,as a main educational measure cannot be thrown away and its important role in education should not be ignored.Without it这里就直接用without which写个定语从句好了.....,our educational environment may fall into a learning game being devoid of rules.




总结一下.........文章语言还可以.......但并不是很persuasive........例子也相当缺乏.....选自己身边人的例子并不是最好的选择.......另外.......楼主要注意一下自己的打字.......在标点符号之后是需要一个空格然后才能继续写下去........我觉得楼主现在最重要的任务是理顺一下思路......想想怎么写才能让别人信服........想想怎么样的论证结构适合自己.......当然........语言也有提高的空间......看到了不少可以写出些好句子的机会.......楼主却一一错过了.........呵呵..........

希望楼主的下一篇会更好.......好好努力.........

iPodUID: 2105485

谢谢cloudbird and runningpiggy
你们的批评让我警醒
多谢！

cloudbirdUID: 208021

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