argument106 急~~我的argu第二篇，比以前写的多多了，希望大家帮忙看看有什么错误：）

wangtan8319UID: 2107594

Argu 106

The following editorial appeared in a newspaper in the country of Solaria.
"The Eliot Valley region was primarily agricultural twenty years ago. In the past twenty years, however, many computer-chip manufacturers have opened factories there. A recent study found that water pollution in the region was worse than in any other region in the country. Moreover, the computer-chip factories, which use large quantities of water to manufacture the chips, are probably responsible for the low levels of water in the region's lakes and reservoirs. Therefore, if the region's computer-chip makers had limits placed on the amount of water they could use, water quality would improve."


In this argument, the arguer concludes that the main reason of low levels and low quality of water is the factories which manufacture chips. To justify this claim, the arguer offers a reason by study. In addition, the arguer supplies an assumption that these facts are truly attributed by computer-chip manufacturers .This analysis is vulnerable in several logical aspects.


First of all, the arguer demonstrates a recent study to indicate the main course of water pollution without a complete reason. The only fact we learn from the survey is that water pollution in this region is worse than in any other region in the country. This fact cannot illustrate that the primary reason is computer-chip manufactures obviously .Because perhaps there are come other reasons which also can impact the water quality .For example, chemical factory, experience of agriculture, rubbish of people, etc. All these performances can make a negative effect to the quality of water .Unilateral opinion which the arguer concerns lacks of sufficient evidence to convince us that it is the computer-chip that leads to the pollution of water. Variety of elements which case the pollution such aswhat I have mentioned before are neglected by the arguer.

Secondly, the arguer mistakenly claims that the computer-chip factories use large quantities of water result in low levels of water in likes and reservoirs .Water as the elementary resource or nature, is used by many industries and in life .The exceeding use of water by many other industries such as paper manufacturers and rising amount of people may cause the low levels of water. Perhaps the chip manufacturers only need little percentage of water to product products and other productions use much more water than chip manufacturers do .In addition, the other significant reason of low levels in the region’s lake and reservoirs is climate .The arguer does not mention the rain or drouth of the lakes and reservoirs .Admittedly, normal lakes and reservoirs’ level of water is determined by climate. Different seasons have variety of climate .Even in the same season, climate changes for the power of nature. For instance , the El Nino has changed the global weather pattern.  Attribute the low levels of water to computer-chip manufacturers is an obvious mistake which committed by the arguer.


Finally, the arguer concludes that water quality will be improved by limiting the amount of water. There are so many aspects makeing effects on the quality of water to improve the water quality. How can limiting the amount of water guarantees that there is improvement of water quality be true? If the computer-clip manufacturers are really the main cause of the pollution, the water quality may be still in the same level after the limiting of using water because the density of output pollution becomes higher that it used to be.

In sum, the arguer fails to demonstrate a convinced evidence in this argument .To strengthen the analysis, the arguer must provide a(an) evidence that the worst water pollution only as a result of computer chip manufacturers .The arguer also must illustrate that all reasons of the low levels of water and what must be effective by limiting the usage of water.

[ Last edited by staralways on 2005-6-23 at 00:36 ]

wangtan8319UID: 2107594

谁帮我看看阿~~~~

wangtan8319UID: 2107594

自己顶

wangtan8319UID: 2107594

谁帮我看看阿~！！！

wangtan8319UID: 2107594

谢谢了谢谢了，很急啊

lsfrancisUID: 193777

请楼主务必注意发贴的规则，比如你的题目应该改为
“Argument106 我的argu第二篇，比以前写的多多了，希望大家帮忙看看有什么错误：）”
此外还应该有你的文章的提纲。请你下次贴文章时看看论坛上相应的帖子。如果帖子不合规矩，大家是可以不改的。

In this argument, the arguer concludes that the main reason of low levels and low [注意用词的变化，可以考虑把第二个low换成poor] quality of water is the factories which manufacture chips. To justify this claim, the arguer offers a reason by study. In addition, the arguer supplies an assumption that these facts are truly attributed by computer-chip manufacturers .[这句话写得有点罗嗦，不如直接写In addition, the arguer assumes that these facts are probably attributed by …] This analysis is vulnerable in several logical aspects. [本段写得马马虎虎，不过缺少原文中关于水质将要改善的论述，这也是conclusion之一，应补上。]


First of all, the arguer demonstrates a recent study to indicate the main course of water pollution without a complete reason.[这句话用词不当。原意我明白，但从英语的角度看” the arguer demonstrates a recent study to indicate the main course of water pollution” 这句话中demonstrates的宾语是study，而不是你认为的句子后半部分。这是犯了明显的汉语式的思维的错误。另外这个course的用法也值得商榷，我估计你想用的是cause。可以这样写the arguer cites a recent study to demonstrate that the main cause of the water pollution is…. however, it may not be the truth.] The only fact we learn from the survey is that water pollution in this region is worse than in any other region in the country. This fact cannot illustrate that the primary reason is computer-chip manufactures obviously .Because [删掉] perhaps there are come [some] other reasons which also can impact the water quality .For example, chemical factory, experience of agriculture, rubbish of people, etc. All these performances can make a negative effect to the quality of water .Unilateral opinion which the arguer concerns lacks of sufficient evidence to convince us that it is the computer-chip that leads to the pollution of water. Variety of elements which case [这是什么用法？] the pollution such aswhat I have mentioned before [above] are neglected by the arguer.本段针对survey对结论的支持提出质疑，并展开驳斥，思路是对的，主要问题是语言上的，遣词造句不准确，拼写上也犯了几个错误。

Secondly, the arguer mistakenly claims that the computer-chip factories use large quantities of water result in low levels of water in likes and reservoirs .Water as the elementary resource or nature, is used by many industries and in life .The exceeding use of water by many other industries such as paper manufacturers and rising [用这个词似乎不太合适，不过我也想不出用什么好，建议尝试换一种表达方式] [应添上a large] amount of people may cause the low levels of water. Perhaps the chip manufacturers only need little percentage of water to product products and other productions use much more water than chip manufacturers do .In addition, the other significant reason of low levels in the region’s lake and reservoirs is climate .The arguer does not mention the rain or drouth of the lakes and reservoirs .Admittedly, normal lakes and reservoirs’ level of water is determined by climate. Different seasons have variety of climate .Even in the same season, climate changes for the power of nature. For instance , the El Nino has changed the global weather pattern.  Attribute the low levels of water to computer-chip manufacturers is an obvious mistake which committed by the arguer.[这一段写得比上面一段好不少，至少语句方面问题不大。论证也很充分，不过是不是有点过头了？说气候的影响就差不多了，没必要再把El Nino也扯进来吧。]


Finally, the arguer concludes that water quality will be improved by limiting the amount of water. There are so many aspects makeing effects on the quality of water to improve the water quality. How can limiting the amount of water guarantees that there is improvement of water quality be true?[这里写得很罗嗦，只要写limiting the amount of water does not indicate the improvement of water quality.不需要用反问句加强语气] If the computer-clip manufacturers are really the main cause of the pollution, the water quality may be still in the same level after the limiting of using water because the density of output pollution becomes higher that it used to be.[这段的展开不充分，应该像第二段一样举反例，找其他原因进行反驳。]

In sum, the arguer fails to demonstrate a convinced evidence in this argument[the assertion that...].To strengthen the analysis, the arguer must provide a(an)[more] evidence that the worst water pollution only as a result of computer chip manufacturers. [这里用词还是有点问题，不如改成定语从句which can support that water pollution are caused by computer chip manufacturers]The arguer also must illustrate that all reasons of the low levels of water and what must be effective by limiting the usage of water.[跟第一段的问题一样，也少了对减少用水和提高水质的叙述。]

总的来说本文最大的闪光点在第三短，论证比较有特色，建议作者仔细揣摩当时如何构思的，争取对每个漏洞都能作出这样的论证。

[ Last edited by lsfrancis on 2005-6-22 at 23:14 ]

wangtan8319UID: 2107594

太谢谢了，我会加油的，而且以后也会注意各式的：）