呵呵，等了一个小时终于能发贴了，干脆再贴一篇！

水水先生UID: 2112520

本人写的另一篇作文，请斑竹再次狂批！给建议！谢谢！
Topic:
According to recent survey, more and more people are paying less attention to basic science. Is this phenomenon also true in your country? What do you think about the causes of this trend and give your recommendations.

It is said that people are increasingly less focus on basic science by a recent survey. I doubt whether it is true because there are a great number of people especially students (at least in china’s school) are paying most of their attention to basic science.

One of the greatest reasons about this trend is people believe the basic science plays an essential role in scientific structure. Students even in the primary school are required to learn basic theory of knowledge, many experts believe that will benefits to children’s development in the near future. On the other hand, the basic science can be helpful to shape people’s character and cultivate one’s thinking method. It is well acknowledged that people who fond of nature science are more rational while others who prefer arts are more emotional. And there is a fact that learning the basic science seems easier to find a reasonable job in the labor market.

However, the situation is different when students enter into the university. Like a small-scale society, the university not only provides a brilliant chance that makes students access to academic knowledge, but more apply itself to develop students’ personality and practical skills. Students are encouraged to learn all-around knowledge, as a balanced character is needed.

Personally, I view the concept of basic science have different meanings for different people and groups, and it has been changed from time to time. I believe we should concentrate on both basic science and practical skills so as to we can survive in a competitive and complicated world.

lucy_zq2002UID: 177408

pros:第一段,楼主两句话使用同义词,先把题目的句子改写成focas on,后面用上了pay attention to ,避免了重复使用词语.

cons:第二段,one of the great reasons夸张了点,呵呵.这句is后面加个that,语感好点.
正文第二段第三行will benefit,第五行are fond of
本段楼主表达了很多意思,可以适当加上一些形容词性修饰语来装点也延迟了文章,比如intensifing labor market还有很多,你自己再想

however这段,not only provides,but ,,(applys)前后一致
这一段,你是想说基础教育在大学又不是那么重要了?要全面发展?那你第一段还说了most attention,这个most 有点过了吧?或者第一段你说得太绝对了?总之这样看下来会觉得有点突兀.请注意表达的准确性.偶知道你是想要转折:)

还有一个问题,题目其实有些偏向是要你写我们不重视基础教育,因为如果我们都most attention了,那还要写什么recommendation?当然,写我们重视也是可以的,我个人是觉得反面好写一点.楼主的文章忘了建议这个部分,非常遗憾!

建议:第二段应当适当举例,不要一味讲道理.讲道理和摆事实要结合,ok?

总体来说,本篇没有你的第一篇写的好.还是6.楼主要加油咯!:victory:

[ Last edited by lucy_zq2002 on 2005-6-30 at 18:21 ]

蜻蜓切UID: 201589

It's time for dinner, I will check it latter.

水水先生UID: 2112520

谢谢LUCY的批改，非常感谢！
第一段用MOST是过了，要不改成MUCH？
这篇文章我表达的确实不清楚。我本意是反驳题目的说法，想表达的意思是：我国的小学中学非常重视BASIC SCIENCE（这里还有个疑问：BASIC SCIENCE是指数理化那些理科呢还是指相对于PRACTICAL SKILLS来说的基础理论呢？我这篇是按照后者的思路写的，不知有没跑题），到了大学，学校不仅重视学术教育还注意培养学生的综合素质和实用技能。用not only……but 连接（考官MARK说很多中国考生都喜欢用not only……but also, 其实英国人的习惯是用not only……but）所以人在各个阶段接受的教育模式是不同的（文章结尾：I view the concept of basic science have different meanings for different people and groups,and it has been changed from time to time）
至于给建议，我只有一个建议 给在了文章结尾（I believe we should concentrate on both basic science and practical skills so as to we can survive in a competitive and complicated world. ）有限的时间内我想不出其他的建议了，斑竹有什么好的建议帮我想想？西西~~

lucy_zq2002UID: 177408

当初书店里看到mark一堆的书,吓的没敢买,他从写作起家,后来发展到各个部分,,,
水水同志,你的 意思偶知道的,那就在开头说清楚咯.这样分情况写是可以的
我想你知道怎么修改,至于建议,应该不难说吧?写多了就是那些句子,何况教育类的题目实在太泛滥了,再不行,偶只能向你推荐一个宝贝,,google,,,加油吧

多说一句,偶从当初非常详细的批改,到现在的说明,是简练了.我希望能尽量言简意赅的说清楚问题,大家看得也不累.同时,我也希望大家能够自己思考,不要有依赖的惰性,因为只有自己思考的才是自己的东西,才能与众不同,打动人.:victory:

[ Last edited by lucy_zq2002 on 2005-7-1 at 12:47 ]

蜻蜓切UID: 201589

Lucy had talked about your essay structure. I will do some work with your grammar.:)
There are mistakes you made:

Students even in the primary school are required to learn basic theory of knowledge, many experts believe that will benefits to children’s development in the near future.

这个我用中文说。这句话结构有问题，你没有使用联结词，而出现了两个主语。而且在后面这个句子中，如果that引导从句这里就缺了句子成分。为了避免误解，我建议调整句子结构，并且你要强调的部分我觉得也是后面的有好处。
另外，benefit在will后面应该是原形，它本身也是Vt.，所以可以不要to.它做Vi时的搭配词好像也没有to.
Students even in the primary school are required to learn basic theory of knowledge, which will benefit them in a long-term development.(Some experts hold the same claim)
我觉得水水先生的文章写得都不错。高手高手，向你学习！

水水先生UID: 2112520

呵呵 谨遵两位斑竹MM的教诲~ 因为下周就要进烤箱了，所以情急之下才要LUCY帮忙想点子，呵呵~ LUCY MM 说的对，应该自己思考，对自己是有好处地~~ 那句话的错误实在不应该犯 经蜻蜓切的点拨方入梦初醒~ “（这里还有个疑问：BASIC SCIENCE是指数理化那些理科呢还是指相对于PRACTICAL SKILLS来说的基础理论呢？我这篇是按照后者的思路写的，不知有没跑题）” 请2位MM解答这个问题 谢谢！

蜻蜓切UID: 201589

不是，就是说基础学科。(中小学大部分课程和平时我们说的“大课”好像都应该是这类)
与之对应的应该是specific courses(专业课)

zhilaohuUID: 2102036

俏俏真好