写作点评 - 电视影响创造力?

lucy_zq2002UID: 177408

来源:3g    作者: icenie

Some British families decide not to buy televisions because they influence the development of the creativity of children. What do you think?

Television, as a technologic product in modern world, is one of the most significant inventions last century and, indeed, is becoming one of the parts of our own lives nowadays. Because of this, some of parents are worried about their children who were beginning to grow confine the development of creativity. This is, in my opinion, so to speak, plausible hypothesis and unwise idea. We can deduce it from general principle.

First of all, let us get down to fundamentals and agree that the TV, as an important tool of medium, can easily inform children of countless news and stories around the world without leaving house; the TV, in some sense, add colour in their lives. It was possible that the television can rapidly increases information of people’s possession. Accordingly, the television can make children know what is going on over the world recently and can enlarge their sight of knowledge.

And what is more, there are a large number of programmes that includes much knowledge about, say, science, art, geography, biology, etc. These are very useful for growth of young people, who would learn lots of interesting things – e.g.: the information technology, tour in universe, application of internet, illusion about future, and so on – from the programmes. All of they can learn in the TV not only more interesting than in their textbooks, but also inspire children’s passion of making experiment themselves.

It is true that some unhealthy programmes sometimes play a bad role in children, but all of them put together are only a fraction of the number instructive programmes. So long as the government and society lead a correct way, and parents enable to effectively manage, the children can get useful knowledge much more than get bad.

To sum up, the children are able to benefit from the TV in highest measure. The television could not confine one’s mind or creativity and, instead, could be free to let children’s imaginations soar!

[324 words]



lucy_zq2002点评:

第一段第二句,语法错误.主谓宾有了,confine the development of creativity这个算什么呢?
第三段,include.  information,knowledge用的次数多了
第四段government and society 怎么lead a correct way?中文式表达.觉得enable用法不当.enable sb do sth.写长句子,倒装句要小心,很容易出错
最后一段,could 改成would.一般用,but instead

看到这个题目,我就担心很多人可能犯一个错误irrelevant.楼主的文章虽然处理的小心,还是不可避免有这样的嫌疑.
电视,有很多话可以说.题目不是问你,电视好/坏?该不该让孩子看?而是问你对儿童创造力的影响.中心词是创造力.你的文章三点可以和主题沾边,但是没有更明确的点明.换言之,你的argument不够有力.而最后一段的这句To sum up, the children are able to benefit from the TV in highest measure. 也表明了你的思路.楼主写作时应该时刻围绕这个中心词来写.并且举例才能让人信服.加油!



老师点评:

偶以为

1. 首先，孩子的创造力受否受到电视的影响，此观点的科学性有待考证

2. 假设有影响，孩子若太小，没有自控力和分辨力，电视里的信息弊大于利；反之则利大于弊

故，家长们的观点太笼统，缺乏逻辑，需要客观分析，并要经过实践的检验。

[ Last edited by lucy_zq2002 on 2005-6-30 at 19:07 ]