Issue141 成功类 寄托4人组 8-12

bridgewalkerUID: 208595

Issue141  第23篇 寄托4人组！
------摘要------
作者：BridgeWalker     共用时间：50分（超时啊！）     472 words (457 words before polish)
2005年8月12日
------题目------
Most people recognize the benefits of individuality, but the fact is that personal economic success requires conformity.
------提纲------
Position: + - 平衡
B1：Individuality提供Initiative和creativity。
B2：Conformity要求collaboration和obedience。
------正文------
In recent years, there continues a hot debate over personal economic success generated from the gap between individuality and conformity. From my point of view, individuality and conformity are both necessary in business. None can be discarded for the sake of success.

On the one hand, individuality surely can benefit people a lot in their business. There are at least two reasons. Firstly, individuality gives people initiative, which motivate them toward their own goals. For instance, if Bill Gates had never quitted his college to fulfill his own dreams, but just followed the regular four-year courses to get a degree, he would not become a new technology mogul years later. This individual initiative set him into action. Secondly, individuality generates creativity. In the modern competitive arena of economy, great initiative and hard work can no longer guarantee people's success. Without original thinking, the opportunity to win is rare. Let's take a look at Bill Gates again. If he was not a creative thinker, especially in computer programming, there would not be MS-DOS and other computer operation systems for sale. If it were true, his dropping out of college would finally turn out to be a big failure. In short, In order to succeed, individuality is indispensable, for it can provide us initiative and creativity, both of which are key factors in determining people's careers.

On the other hand, put too much emphasis on individuality would be counterproductive in people's pursuing financial goals. To succeed or even only stay in business, conformity is necessary, for it requires us to collaborate and obey the rules. In the first place, conformity means cooperation, which is most important for people's business performance. Nowadays, no one in business can generate profit only by himself. If you want to manage a company, you have to cooperate with material providers, manufacturers, product design companies, advertising agents, transportation companies and distributors. Without this network effect, how can you push your own business forward? In the second place, conformity requires obedience, especially within laws. Long gone are the days of guild regulations, setting up only by a fraction number of merchants during the Medieval. Modern businesses are ruled by both domestic and international economic laws and regulations. If you don't obey them, you will be punished, bankrupted, and put out of business. Take the Enron Company for instance. Its bankruptcy is mainly caused by the financial scandal of fake accounts, which is obviously illegal. In other words, if individuals or companies want to succeed or just stay in the business world, following laws and rules in this field is the first step.

In conclusion, if a person want to achieve financial success, both individuality and conformity are needed. The former gives him initiative and creativity, the latter mentions him to cooperate and more importantly, let him stay in the right place.

tangjihedeUID: 2107695

taken

tangjihedeUID: 2107695

Issue141 成功类 寄托4人组 8-12

Issue141  第23篇 寄托4人组！
------摘要------
作者：BridgeWalker     共用时间：50分（超时啊！）     472 words (457 words before polish)
2005年8月12日
------题目------
Most people recognize the benefits of individuality, but the fact is that personal economic success requires conformity.
------提纲------
Position: + - 平衡
B1：Individuality提供Initiative和creativity。
B2：Conformity要求collaboration和obedience。
------正文------
In recent years, there continues a hot debate over personal economic success generated from the gap between individuality and conformity. From my point of view, individuality and conformity are both necessary in business. None can be discarded for the sake of success.

On the one hand, individuality surely can benefit people a lot in their business. There are at [避免过多的there be：At least two reasons can account for this. Or, which can be explained by at least two reasons ]least two reasons. Firstly, individuality gives people initiative, which motivate them[to march] toward their own goals. For instance, if Bill Gates had never quitted his[delete his] college to fulfill his own dreams, but just followed the regular four-year courses to get a degree, he would not become a new technology[business is better] mogul years later[now!]. This individual initiative set him into action.[改成强调句吧。It is。。that] Secondly, individuality generates creativity. In the modern competitive arena of economy, great initiative and hard work[刚提到initiative的好处，这里就。。调整一下吧：hard working and great initiative alone…] can no longer guarantee people's success. Without original thinking, the opportunity[状语和主语搭配不当：people can rarely win.] to win is rare. Let's take a look at Bill Gates again. [delete “let’s”: Take, BG, again.]If he was[were 虚拟] not a creative thinker, especially in computer programming, there would not be [觉得还是would be no。。更顺口]MS-DOS[windows 更新吧] and other computer operation systems for sale. If it were true, his dropping out of college would finally turn out to be a big failure. In short, In order to succeed, individuality is indispensable, for it can provide us initiative and creativity, both of which are key factors in determining people's careers.[结构很清晰，例证还可以更有力些]

On the other hand,[however,] put[putting] too much emphasis on individuality would be counterproductive in people's pursuing [of?]financial goals. To succeed or even only stay in business, conformity is necessary, [for it requires us to collaborate and obey the rules,这个不是理由，而是对conformity的解释。放在is necessary之前 改成conformity， requiring us。。。， is ne’ce’s’sa’r’y。]. In the first place, conformity means cooperation, which is most important for people's business performance. Nowadays, no one in business can generate profit only by himself[性别的问题注意一下]. If you want to manage a company, you[尽量避免用you。用One] [Anyone wanting to …, has to…]have to cooperate with material providers, manufacturers, product design[ing?] companies[agencies 避免用词重复], advertising agents, transportation companies and distributors. Without this network effect, how can you push your own business forward? . In the second place, conformity requires obedience, especially [within laws within the limitation of laws?别扭]. Long gone are the days of guild regulations[不错！], setting up only by a fraction number of merchants during the Medieval. Modern businesses are ruled by both domestic and international economic laws and regulations. If you don't obey them, you will be punished, bankrupted, and put out of business. [太口语了Failing to obey them will lead nothing but punishment, bankruptcy, and …]Take the Enron Company for instance. Its bankruptcy is mainly caused by the.[it is just due to its financial scandal of fake accounts, which is obviously illegal, that it went to bankruptcy.] In other words, if individuals or companies want to succeed or just stay in the business world, following laws and rules in this field is the first step.

In conclusion, if a person want[wants] to achieve financial success, both individuality and conformity are needed. The former gives him initiative and creativity, the latter mentions him to cooperate and more importantly, let him stay in the right place.

[估计你是限时写的吧，简单句显得比较多。不过不论从全文的结构还是段内的结构来看都中规中距，没有大的问题。]

bridgewalkerUID: 208595

构思好了才开始写的。

现在重点在逻辑上面。语言上不敢有过高奢望。

meautoUID: 2116250

Originally posted by bridgewalker at 2005-8-12 20:08
构思好了才开始写的。

现在重点在逻辑上面。语言上不敢有过高奢望。

那我可以奢望啥.......................

tangjihedeUID: 2107695

考的比我晚，还不用看托福。。。

bridgewalkerUID: 208595

Originally posted by tangjihede at 2005-8-12 20:30
考的比我晚，还不用看托福。。。

基础比较差！朽木硬雕中。。。

tangjihedeUID: 2107695

唉，还都让你说到点子上了。。。