菜鸟TWE 第一篇，大家帮忙看看吧。不胜感激。

j1e2s2s8eUID: 200788

Theme
People attend college or university for many different reasons (for example, new experiences, career preparation, and increased knowledge). Why do you think people attend college or university? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Syllabus:
1.  In modern society, it is necessary to go to college to learn new things.
2.  Because people need new knowledge to meet the needs in daily life. People have to prepare for their career.
3.  College life is always a good experience to make one’s life more colorful.

Text:
Why do people go to college? To prepare for career? To sample new life? Or just to pursue academia? British philosopher Bacon once said, knowledge is power. I want to say, knowledge in college is power. People go to university for various reasons, but if you want to use one word to explain the motive, I think it is ‘knowledge’. People attend higher education because they need college to teach them the knowledge they need to get a job, to live a happier life.

Humans by their nature want to live a better life. But nowadays, it is just getting harder and harder. 21st century, like many said, is the century of information; the whole society is not only developing but also rocketing. So, to meet the basic needs of surviving, people have to go to college to learn all kinds of things, and more importantly, to get professional trainings and life experiences. For instance, if you want to get a job, first, you have to go to college to learn something about it, otherwise, no body wants to hire you. Professional trainings make up a large proportion of college education. People who want to be a lawyer have to attend law schools; people who want to study medicine have to go to medical schools. College now has become the spring board to get a better job, rent a nicer apartment, and have a more affluent life.

Also, college is always the center of academic activities. In college, all the cutting-edge information is gathered here. So, in order to keep pace with the development, people have to go to college. The world is changing at an amazing speed, especially in this new era, the usage of computer technology has altered the world on a large scale. The velocity of information-updating highly depends on colleges; academia in colleges is the key momentum to keep the whole society running forward. So, if you do not want to lag behind anybody else, college is the wise choice.

Last, colorful college life is also a temptation. One of my teachers used to tell me, if you do not go to college, to sample a different life style, you are going to regret it for the rest of your life. In this new environment, people can have more chances to meet these intellectual people, to see what the world is like, and maybe some can even find their other halves in college.

In conclusion, people go to college for different reasons, and all of them finally come to one single point, and that is to gain knowledge, knowledge about life.


这是我重新写的，不知道是不是还是毛病很多，希望大家多多帮忙，费时费力执教一下！小弟在这里叩首言谢了。

People have been fanning to colleges since for ever. It is all known that colleges are the academic centers of every society. The development of human community highly rests on the degree to which academia level of colleges can reach, thus, college students have been considered as the hopeful masters of the upcoming future. But is this the reason why people choose to go to college? Or like other said they go to college to experience another kind of life styles? Or they just want to get rid of their lower social status by working hard in college? Here are the reasons that I see from my perspectives.

Firstly, going to college is a necessity in this booming world. We can often see this kind of scenes on TV：White-collar workers, most of whom are already the backbones of their companies, race to night-schools after an exhausting day of work just to recharge themselves; job-seekers flood to every job market, but still, most of them cannot find one because they don’t have a college degree. In my college, a lot of people who are in their 40s or 50s, normally who are supposed to be working or already start to boss people around in office, can be found sitting at the back of classrooms and taking notes or musing at what the teacher who is a lot younger than them are lecturing to them. Why? Because the fierce competition of this world forced them to do this, especially in china, it seems that getting a college diploma is the gold key to have a fancy job. Only after that, the ensuing affluent life, great fame, lavish apartment can finally find their way to you.

Secondly, as I believe, many people also go to college to sample a different sort of life when they are trying to polish themselves to meet the social challenges. In college, life is very different from the one most of us had prior to our enrollment. College is a melting pot that is so distinct from the menial high school in which the only thing we know is study. In college, all kinds of students’ leagues, parties, and academic activities constitute a mini model of the frustrating outside world. Everybody can find his place in it, no matter you are an ordinary student or under the spot light of social life. Many people also still treasure college life so much because the most beautiful, the most vibrant part of life is spent with these intelligent classmates and mentors. Some of them even found their loved ones in college. One of my high school teachers once said to me, only a person goes to college can he know what a world it is out there.

Finally, a very common yet strange cause why some one opts to attend university is that they want to actualize the overdue dreams of their parents’, who did not get to go to college and very much hope their children would finally manage to, at least in china, it is apt. sending his or her child to college not only is for the sake of their future but also a matter of family pride.

In summary, the reasons why people go to college can all roughly fall into the categories mentioned above. And among them, I think the first one is the most important one, because there is nothing more enticing than to attend college to prepare for your life adventure.

[ Last edited by j1e2s2s8e on 2005-11-25 at 18:35 ]

j1e2s2s8eUID: 200788

怎么没人帮忙啊？唉。

j1e2s2s8eUID: 200788

不是说有什么问题，是说大家帮忙改改啊。最近都怎么了？是不是考完了就没人干这事儿了？一月的弟兄们都去哪儿了呢？

avexUID: 159089

Originally posted by j1e2s2s8e at 2005-11-25 07:12
不是说有什么问题，是说大家帮忙改改啊。最近都怎么了？是不是考完了就没人干这事儿了？一月的弟兄们都去哪儿了呢？

有主还是消消火吧，没准大家有事忙呢，谁也没这义务改呀

下面是我对文章的意见：
British philosopher Bacon once said, knowledge is power. I want to say, knowledge in college is power.这两句的逗号要去掉

第二段有些混乱：首先主题句是So, to meet the basic needs of surviving, people have to go to college to learn all kinds of things, and more importantly, to get professional trainings and life experiences.这句应该置前，隐藏的有点深
然后紧跟着这句下面哪句有严重的语法错误

然后后面就更乱了
开头的ts： but if you want to use one word to explain the motive, I think it is ‘knowledge’. People attend higher education because they need college to teach them the knowledge they need to get a job, to live a happier life.|

结尾的ts:all of them finally come to one single point, and that is to gain knowledge, knowledge about life.|

body都是很凌乱的写的一些优点，没有针对你的主题。光从中间看不出你是想写
new experiences, career preparation或 knowledge,还是都写


词法句法问题：
you，这个词不要用
还有want你用的也太多了吧（你用了八次），而且全是一样的句式
还有就是so在句首，插入，句子。这个你也狂用
这个句式本来就不好，不得已才用用，最好就不要重复了
这篇太多简单重复，还容易就上不了4分的（用词句式都是，你全文就两种句式）

plus：我觉得lz在一碰到论证时，就十分乏术。论证不清
        建议搞一篇gre来练习下critical thinking.

ps:以上是一些刻薄评论，忘见谅，这篇文章要好好自己改改

[ Last edited by avex on 2005-11-25 at 08:49 ]

kirchhoffUID: 174807

没仔细看，不过首先观点不太好。
一个是现代社会中去学校学知识是必须的
一个是人们需要知识来满足每天的需要，而且需要为了职业生涯做准备

这两个是个因果关系吧？

还有几个很细小的逻辑错误。比如我们的社会不仅在发展，而且是在飞速发展~~~
还有比如我们现在处在信息的世纪和你后面的论证毫无关系。

college is the wise choice ==> attending college is a wise choice

边改边大概看了一遍，觉得你的文章没有体现出最关键的different reasons，而是在陈述人们上大学的好处。还需要广开思路。举几个例子，比如有的人上大学是为了光宗耀祖，毕竟在中国上大学还很难。有的人上大学是为了离开贫困的小山村。有的人上大学只是因为看见周围的人都要上——这种人绝对不是少数。

当然twe的idea并不重要，但是有一个好的idea会让你比较好写，此外也许能让判卷的人有点新奇感。

写的很凌乱，我改得也凌乱，哈哈。问题比较多，慢慢历练。
你如果1月份考现在就开始准备，还是时间很充足的，好好准备希望很大。建议把目标定在一天一篇。我相信这篇文章是你吭哧了很长时间写出来的，如果真的是第一篇。不过不要怕，基本上5篇之后就应该能达到30分钟搞定的程度。同时可以找ets给的官方范文看看，有些意思看看别人是如何表达的。

有句话“ So, if you do not want to lag behind anybody else, college is the wise choice.”，刚才改过一点了，现在再拿出来举个例子。如果要我来表达这个意思，我会说"Attending college is a wise choice for those who are reluctant to lag behind"。这样你的句式就会丰富一些。

坦白的说，我觉得你还是很需要练习，不过楼上的练gre的建议我不是很赞成哈。个人感觉……至少我aw之前的那段日子还是很痛苦的。每天2 issue 2 argu。twe应该可以用更加轻松一点的心态来对待。

对了还有就像楼上说的，you这个词千万不要随便用。至少我看的时候已经觉得不太舒服了。最好不要涉及到人，如果一定要涉及，可以考虑用we。

KELLY-LINUID: 2115999

大部分句子比较短，多是简单句或并列。新东方老师曾经说过，ets鄙视只写短句子的人， 楼主不妨丰富一下句式，多用些从句、倒装、强调和比较句，能够大大加强文章的吸引力，同时使文章更具说服性。用长句对twe是很重要的。
另外，第三段反复说了同一个意思，就是快速的发展需要上大学，过多的重复让人感觉有些空洞，如果能够从不同角度深入分析会好得多，比如大学教授可以将最新的知识带入课堂，图书馆里的学术资料完整，同学之间的交流等等。
文章的框架没有问题，只是每段的具体展开有些混乱，直接导致整体上的脉络不清晰，会大大降低文中很好句子的闪光度。
愿楼主再接再厉，可以看看新概念4，时间足够用的，慢慢来，一定会取得满意成绩

j1e2s2s8eUID: 200788

谢谢大家，我一定会加油的!

avexUID: 159089

这次词法句法交上篇盖井了很多，但还有些flaw
One of my high school teachers once said to me, only a person goes to college can he know what a world it is out there.
---------One of my high school teachers once said to me：“only after people go to college might they really know what knd of the world is out there."
或 said to me that only after people go to college， they might really know what knd of the world is out there. 或only by attending university might people cognize what knd of the world is out there.

Secondly, I believe, many people go to college to sample a different sort of life.
-----------as I believe

what the teacher who is a lot younger than them are lecturing to them.
are -is

sending his or her child to college not only is for the sake of their future but also a matter of family pride.
----------- is not only

单独看body，没有意义
你要在你的主体中把它们hold togather
Here are the motives that I can think of.
这个引出的就不是diverse reasons + arguments了，更像是列举fact
把结尾补上吧，顺便考虑看看怎么改改开头段

[ Last edited by avex on 2005-11-25 at 14:21 ]