TWE同主题第二期：批我者留下连接，我必回评（自我感觉非常好的一篇）

ZEALPALADINUID: 192560

作文用时50分钟，后又修改一遍，共332字

Whether a company should build a factory near a community is always a controvercial issue. Althouh some people assert that building a factory could bring advantadges to a community, I believe that the disadvantadges far outweigh the benefits.

First of all, I admit that there are some advantadges to build a plant near a community, concerning with the factor of economy. As is known to us all that a near factory could create more job oppotunities for both local residents and people outside of the town. The pouring in of oursiders would surely not only stimulate the growth of the industries, such as real estate, restaurant and groceries, etc but increase tax incomes of the local governments.

However, we should not overlook the negative aspects of building a factory that has a good oppotunity to outweigh the benefits. As is so often pointed out, money is a double-edged sword: the increase of economy could improve people's lives, on the other hand, pursuing the maximum of profits would motivate the owners of the factories expand their business on the cost of environment. Factories, especially those involved in heavy metals, could bring so great negative impact on the environment that they may even threaten peoples' lives.

Another disadvantadge is that with the recruitment of people outside of town, the flow of population is increased, which has been a main reason for crimes in many big cities nowadays. It would be harder for the security office to manange these new-comers since they come and go so fast. In so far as the two problems I mentioned above could not be properly solved, the mere increase of economy could be diminished.

To sum up, building a new factory near a community may bring economic prosperities and create new jobs, but I insist that a company should choose places near communities as a spot to build factories, because the disadvantadges like soar-up of crimes and pollution may well counteract the economic benefits and even destroy peoples' lives.


希望大家不要手下留情，狠批吧...

[ Last edited by ZEALPALADIN on 2005-12-21 at 10:54 ]

yuchenUID: 2111079

Whether a company should build a factory near a community is always a controvercial issue. Althouh some people assert that building a factory could bring advantadges to a community, I believe that the disadvantadges far outweigh the benefits.

First of all, I admit that there are some advantadges to build a plant near a community, concerning with the factor of economy. As is known to us all that a near factory could create more job oppotunities for both local residents and people outside of the town去掉of. The pouring in of oursiders (?)would surely not only stimulate the growth of the industries, such as real estate, restaurant and groceries单复数注意一下, etc but increase tax incomes of the local governments.

However, we should not overlook the negative aspects of building a factory that has a good oppotunity （？）to outweigh the benefits. As is so often pointed out, money is a double-edged sword: the increase of economy could improve people's lives, on the other hand, pursuing the maximum of profits would motivate the owners of the factories expand【是motivate sb do sth 吗？】 their business on the cost of environment. Factories, especially those involved in heavy metals, could bring so great negative impact on the environment that they may even threaten peoples' lives.

Another disadvantadge is that with the recruitment of people outside of town, the flow of population is increased, which has been a main reason for crimes in many big cities nowadays. It would be harder for the security office to manange these new-comers since they come and go so fast. In【if？】 so far as the two problems I mentioned above could not be properly solved, the mere increase of economy could be diminished.

To sum up, building a new factory near a community may bring economic prosperities and create new jobs, but I insist that a company should choose places near communities as a spot to build factories这句觉得不大顺, because the disadvantadges like soar-up of crimes and pollution may well counteract the economic benefits and even destroy peoples' lives.

写的挺好的，很流畅，结构也很清晰（不过听说admit那段最好放在末尾，不过按自己的习惯定，开头虽然有模板的痕迹，但简短有利，读着很舒服）我也就只能改改语法错误。
我的TWE贴下面了，请指正，谢谢！

yuchenUID: 2111079

第一篇TWE

请多多指教！谢谢！400words
Nowadays, it seems a dilemma for the residents to decide whether they should accept a new factory near their community or not. A new factory may bring them many benefits and can also lead to pollution. As for me, if this factory can control the pollution at the level of no harm to people, I think its merits carry more weight.

First of all, how to deal with unemployed workers has become a large social difficulty in many countries, while a new factory can solve the problem quickly and effectively. On the one hand, a large number of opening places are offered by the new factory. On the other hand, new shops and restaurants are needed to provide food, consumer goods and materials for the factory and its employees. Considering the fact that people who get a new job and are no longer jobless can earn money to live better, we can suspect that the crimes of the community will also largely decline. All of these are just because of a new factory.

Furthermore, if we take account of the tax that will be given by this new company to the government, our community can make many benefit changes by using this large amount of money. Consider community services for example. More trees and greenbelts will appear. More cleaners will be employed with new cleaning tools to make our community more beautiful. More schools and educational places will be built for the residents of all ages. Also in order to transport the products better, the company may do some traffic constructions such as widening old roads and building new bridges which can benefit the residents a lot.

Admittedly, there are also disadvantages and drawbacks of building a new factory. Some factories such as mines and chemical factories may produce toxic air, tour waste water and make loud noises. If this new factory cannot prove to control its pollution which may make the health of the residents in danger, we must say no to them.

To sum up, because of the huge differences among all kinds of factories, the question given by the author should be considered case by case. Although I don’t support some factories with severe pollutions, considering that most factories are light pollution or no pollution factories such as food factories and software companies, I prefer to support the idea of building a new factory near our community.

北回归线UID: 2130044

还没人评嘛,那就我这菜鸟先来了.也许有说的没道理的地方,见谅.
Whether a company should build a factory near a community is always a controvercial issue. Althouh some people assert that building a factory could bring advantadges to a community, I believe that the disadvantadges far outweigh the benefits.
用了模板,但很有效,outweigh确是好词.
First of all, I admit that there are some advantadges to build a plant near a community, concerning with the factor of economy. As is known to us all that a near factory could create more job oppotunities for both local residents and people outside of the town. The pouring in of oursiders would surely not only stimulate the growth of the industries, such as real estate, restaurant and groceries, etc but increase tax incomes of the local governments.

However, we should not overlook the negative(后面又用了negative,此处最好换一个吧,adverse?) aspects of building a factory that has a good oppotunity to outweigh(surpass?) the benefits. As is so often pointed out, money is a double-edged sword: the increase of economy could improve people's lives, on the other hand, pursuing the maximum of profits would motivate the owners of the factories expand their business on the cost of environment. Factories, especially those involved in heavy metals, could bring so great negative impact on the environment that they may even threaten peoples' lives.

Another disadvantadge is that with the recruitment of people outside of town, the flow of population is increased, which has been a main reason for crimes in many big cities nowadays. It would be harder for the security office to manange these new-comers since they come and go so fast. In so far as the two problems I mentioned above could not be properly solved, the mere increase of economy could be diminished.

To sum up, building a new factory near a community may bring economic prosperities and create new jobs, but I insist that a company should choose places near communities as a spot to build factories(这句似乎比较别扭,直接说should choose an appropriate spot可否？), because the disadvantadges like soar-up of crimes and pollution may well counteract the economic benefits and even destroy peoples' lives.

写得是不错,给不出太多意见,不好意思啊.

北回归线UID: 2130044

也把我的再贴在这里一下吧.

While the proponents of the plan to build a large factory near my community
hold the idea that it will aid economic development.I believe that in the end its
drawbacks outweigh its benefits.The proposed factory will possibly destroy the
fine,peaceful environment and do irreparable harm to our neighborhood.

As a matter of fact,there are some advantages of building a large factory  
indeed.Constructing and running such a factory would necessarily be large-scale
affairs,and accordingly need to employ a fairly number of people as
architects,constructors,as well as workers,technicians,clerks,accountants,sellers,
managers,and other higher-level professionals.The employees would mainly be
drawn from the local population.Considering the tight job market in the area,the
large factory would provide many opportunitis to people in our district.It will also
convince us that our community is on the roll of continuing economic
development.

Nevertheless,many negative problems will emerge if they finally built the factory
in my community.I currently live in Zhongshanling area of Nanjing--the most
scenic area here.There are many places of interests nearby.Millions of tourists
come to visit these famous sights.So I should say,no matter what kind of factory be built in this area,it will certainly bring nearly incurable destruction to the
scenery.The air condition here will go descending obviously.The water,maybe
the soil as well,will be polluted.Such environment problem is perhaps the most
serious concern,because without clear air and clean water the area cannot
sustain life of any kind,plants,animals,even human.

In addition,I must point out that the large factory might worsen the traffic
situation here.Trucks for transporting goods and buses for commuting will burden
the roads that are not wide enough,and cause more and more traffic jams,
making our lives more and more inconvenient.

Overall,building a large factory will bring some benefits on economic side,
however, in the long run,it will have a notably degrading effect on people's
peaceful living conditions,so as the tourism.

335words  60min

最后问一句,楼上的两位不介意的话,结成互改组何如?我作文水平有限,还请各位多指教.

[ Last edited by 北回归线 on 2005-12-21 at 11:55 ]

hotkenUID: 2135671

我觉得你总体上写的很不错，语言很丰富，但第四段说到建工厂会带来犯罪问题，你只是略微提及，并没解释清楚原因，给人感觉说服力不够。

hotkenUID: 2135671

我把我的也贴出来，给你们批一批。
Where I live is a remote area and most of the populations have been laid-off, as a result of which they live hard to mouth. Moreover, many children are not able to have access to classes because their parents cannot afford their fees. Building a new factory near my community, undoubtedly, would have many advantages, especially rather beneficial to those who have lost their jobs. On account of this point, I am totally in favor of building a new factory.

The major point for my penchant is that Building a new factory would mean increasing a large amount of opportunities of obtaining employment, a guarantee that parents can support their families and send children to school. Nowadays, my community is still relatively undeveloped and few large factories invested here. To maintain their livelihoods, people always went to big cities nearby for hunting jobs. Virtually most of them couldn’t find satisfactory professions due to their lack of the ability to compete with others. Provided a large factory is set up near my community, it is more than likely that a large number of people would be employed and have regular monthly salaries, therefore it is no longer difficult for them to send their children to school for formal education. Moreover, the local economy, undoubtedly, would be greatly boosted.

Admittedly, building a new factory would probably do harm to the environment. For example, a small town named Nanyang in Sichuan has become an extremely polluted place since several factories were found years ago. Although they offered the local people with many job opportunities and boosted the economy, the factories indeed exerted a negative influence on the local environment, polluting the air as well as the rivers nearby.

However, the merits of building a new factory far outweigh its disadvantages, not only because it would make possible more people have their own jobs but because it would promote the prosperity of my community. If the polluting problem can be taken into serious consideration and under the control, I believe that building a new factory is rather beneficial to my community.

北回归线UID: 2130044

这位是想请LZ操刀的吧,俺先越俎代庖,小试牛刀一下.

Nowadays, it seems a dilemma for the residents to decide whether they should accept a new factory near their community or not. A new factory may bring them many benefits and can also lead to pollution. As for me, if this factory can control the pollution at the level of no harm to people, I think its merits carry more weight.(开头不错,我觉得)

First of all, how to deal with unemployed workers has become a large social difficulty in many countries, while a new factory can solve the problem quickly and effectively. On the one hand, a large number of opening places(改成vacancies?) are offered by the new factory. On the other hand, new shops and restaurants are needed to provide food, consumer goods and materials for the factory and its employees. Considering the fact that people who get a new job and are no longer jobless (这句删了吧?意义重复)can earn money to live better(can sustain or even can lead a better life), we can suspect(换个词吧,用这个不太好,assume?) that the(ratio of )crimes of the community will also largely decline. All of these are just because of a new factory.(此段观点亮得晚了些)

Furthermore, if we take account of the tax that will be given(give the tax?or pay?) by this new company to the government, our community can make many benefitial changes by using this large amount of money. Consider community services for an example. More trees and greenbelts will appear. More cleaners will be employed with new cleaning tools to make our community more beautiful.(此例不够具有说服力,建议换一) More schools and educational places will be built for the residents of all ages. Also in order to transport the products better(more efficiently), the company may do some traffic constructions such as the widening of the old roads and building new bridges which can benefit(换一表达,do goog to?) the residents a lot.

Admittedly, there are also disadvantages and drawbacks of building a new factory. Some factories such as mines and chemical factories may produce toxic air(gas), tour(pour) waste water and make loud noises. If this new factory cannot prove to control its pollution which may make the health of the residents in danger(which may endanger the health of the residents?), we must say no to them(them指代不请).

To sum up, because of the huge differences among all kinds of factories, the question given by the author should be considered case by case. Although I don’t support some factories with severe pollutions, considering that most factories are light pollution(lightly polluted?) or no pollution(?) factories (此句有些问题)such as food factories and software companies(是factory,不是company食品厂也是很毒的,比如添加剂啥啥的...), I prefer to support the idea of building a new factory near our community.

乱改一气,不要介意.

yuchenUID: 2111079

谢谢北回归线！下面是修改版，你的文章马上改出！
Nowadays, it seems a dilemma for the residents to decide whether they should accept a new factory near their community or not. A new factory may bring them many benefits and can also lead to pollution. As for me, if this factory can control the pollution at the level of no harm to people, I think its merits carry more weight.

First of all, how to deal with unemployed workers has become a large social difficulty in many countries, while a new factory can solve the problem quickly and effectively. On the one hand, a large number of positions will be offered by the new factory. On the other hand, new shops and restaurants are needed to provide food, consumer goods and materials for the factory and its employees. Considering the fact that people who are no longer jobless can sustain or even lead a better life, we can assume that the ratio of crimes of the community will also largely decline. All of these are just because of a new factory.

Furthermore, if we take account of the tax provided by this company to the government, a new factory may bring added prosperity and beneficial changes to our community by using this large amount of money. Consider community environment and services for an example. More trees and greenbelts will appear. More schools and educational places will be built for the residents of all ages. Also in order to transport the products more efficiently, the company may do some traffic constructions such as improving old roads and building new bridges which can benefit the residents a lot.

Admittedly, there are also disadvantages and drawbacks of building a new factory. Some factories such as mines and chemical factories may produce toxic gas, pour waste water and make loud noises. If this new factory cannot prove to control its pollution which may endanger the health of the residents, we must say no to them.

To sum up, because of the huge differences among all kinds of factories, the question given by the author should be considered case by case. Although I don’t support some factories with severe pollutions, considering that it seems there are more benefits than disadvantages to build new factories, most of which will do no harm to people’s health, I prefer to support the idea of building a new factory near our community.

yuchenUID: 2111079

While the proponents of the plan to build【改成of 或从句吧】 a large factory near my community hold the idea that it will aid economic development.I believe that in the end its drawbacks outweigh its benefits.The proposed factory will possibly destroy the fine,peaceful environment and do irreparable harm to our neighborhood.

As a matter of fact,there are some advantages of building a large factory indeed【和as a matter of fact重了】.Constructing and running such a factory would necessarily be large-scale affairs,and accordingly need to employ a fairly【large?】 number of people as architects,constructors,as well as workers,technicians,clerks,accountants,sellers,managers,and other higher-level professionals.The employees would mainly be drawn from the local population.Considering the tight job market in the area,the large factory would provide many opportunitis to people in our district.【上面两句意思是不是有些重复】It will also convince us that our community is on the roll of continuing economic development.

Nevertheless,many negative problems will emerge if they finally built the factory
in my community.I currently live in Zhongshanling area of Nanjing--the most scenic area here.There are many places of interests nearby.Millions of tourists
come to visit these famous sights.So I should say,no matter what kind of factory be built in this area,it will certainly bring nearly incurable destruction to the scenery.The air condition here will go descending？ obviously.The water,maybe
the soil as well,will be polluted.Such environment problem is perhaps the most ;a  Pserious concern,because without clear air and clean water the area cannot sustain life of any kind,plants,animals,even human.
【前面用自己的家乡做例子，很好。破坏原来的宁静本身就是一个很有力的论点。但后来说的是不是有些严重有些过】

In addition,I must point out that the large factory might worsen the traffic situation here.Trucks for transporting goods and buses for commuting will burden the roads that are not wide enough,and cause more and more traffic jams,making our lives more and more inconvenient.

Overall,building a large factory will bring some benefits on economic side.however, in the long run,it will have a notably degrading effect on people's peaceful living conditions,so as the tourism.

wenyongliuUID: 2109965

jock
whether a company should build a factory near a community is always a controversial issue. 这里的模版痕迹太重了吧。Although some people assert（李笑来经典词assert） that building a factory could bring advantages to a community, I believe that the disadvantages far outweigh the benefits.

First of all, I admit that there are some advantages to build a plant near a community, concerning with the factor of economy. As is known to us all that a near factory could create more job opportunities for both local residents and people outside of the town. The pouring in of outsiders would surely not only stimulate the growth of the industries, such as real estate, restaurant and groceries, etc but increase tax incomes of the local governments.(这个句子很好噢)

However, we should not overlook the negative aspects of building a factory that has a good opportunity to outweigh the benefits.（要不换一个？前面用了呀） As is so often pointed out, money is a double-edged sword: the increase of economy could improve people's lives, on the other hand, pursuing the maximum of profits would motivate the owners of the factories expand their business on the cost of environment. Factories, especially those involved in heavy metals, could bring so great negative impact on the environment that they may even threaten peoples' lives.寄

Another disadvantage(为什么不用转折递进式？就是笑来讲的那个有利模式？) is that with the recruitment of people outside of town, the flow of population is increased, which has been a main reason for crimes in many big cities nowadays. （这里说得不清楚）It would be harder for the security office to manage these new-comers since they come and go so fast. In so far as the two problems I mentioned above could not be properly solved, the mere increase of economy could be diminished.

To sum up, building a new factory near a community may bring economic prosperities and create new jobs, but I insist that a company should choose places near communities as a spot to build factories, because the disadvantages like soar-up of crimes and pollution may well counteract the economic benefits and even destroy peoples' lives.

wenyongliuUID: 2109965

I am living in a community in a small town named Pingxiang in Jiangxi province, located in the South-East of China. And there is no large factory nearby. Recently, there is a long lasting controversy about whether a large factory should be set up or not. While the opponent of this pan assert that it will ruin the calm life and fairness environments in our community, I take the opinion that the factory can do much more advantages for our community than disadvantages.

It is true that some factories have done a bad job in making the environments worse. However, we should not shift the duties to the factory itself. Because we the pollution is caused by us human beings, or the factory. If we manage the factory under a high standard of preventing the contamination, the calm and fairness environment will be little effected. The number of the factories on the bank of “Huai River”, a notorious river for its water pollution, reduces little in these years, but the water quality is getting better and better, that is only because of a more strict law.

What we should not neglect is that, a new large factory would mean more and more chance of working. The rate of unemployment will fall down quickly. Nowadays our hometown is suffering a high rate of unemployment and the society is chaos because of the unemployed man. The jobs offered by the large factory would to a certainty change this instance. These setting factories to provide the jobs are used all over the world especially in the developing countries like china. It is reported in the China daily that there are more than 1million factories is set up and supported by Chinese government to solve the problem of employment.

In fact, the large factory will definitely improve the economic of my community. My community is located in a mountainous area and there are few foreigners come, which limits our economic a lot. A new factory would mean more attractive to the foreigners. More foreigners would of course bring more requirements; such as restaurants, hotels and business market would be established supervene. The products of the factory would do a great help of the development of the commerce.

If a large factory could be set up in our community, there are much more advantages than disadvantages.

ZEALPALADINUID: 192560

感谢楼上各位的关注，大家一起努力:handshake

[ Last edited by ZEALPALADIN on 2005-12-22 at 11:01 ]

ZEALPALADINUID: 192560

对修改稿的意见

Nowadays, it seems a dilemma for the residents to decide whether they should accept a new factory near their community or not. A new factory may bring them many benefits and can also lead to pollution. As for me, if this factory can control the pollution at the level of no harm to people, I think its merits carry more weight.carry more weight 可以这样说么，学习...

First of all, how to deal with unemployedlaid-off workers has become a large social difficulty in many countries, while a new factory can solve the problem quickly and effectively. On the one hand, a large number of positions will be offered by the new factory. On the other hand, new shops and restaurants are needed to provide food, consumer goods and materials for the factory and its employees. Considering the fact that people who are no longer jobless can sustain or even lead a better life, we can assume that the ratio of crimes of the community will also largely decline. All of these are just because of a new factory.逻辑不错，从就业率过度到犯罪问题，而且各个产业发展及犯罪问题都是就业率的延伸，而就业问题只说了两句，是否欠妥呢...

Furthermore, if we take account of the tax provided by this company to the government, a new factory may bring added prosperity and beneficial changes to our community by using this large amount of money. Consider community environment and services for an example. More trees and greenbelts will appear. More schools and educational places will be built for the residents of all ages. Also in order to transport the products more efficiently, the company may do some traffic constructions such as improving old roads and building new bridges which can benefit the residents a lot.感觉这段有点问题，社区建设可以放TS，税收没有展开说，至于工厂会投资修路的可能性也比较小，不是很有说服力

Admittedly, there are also disadvantages and drawbacks of building a new factory. Some factories such as mines and chemical factories may produce toxic gas, pour waste water and make loud noises. If this new factory cannot prove to control its pollution which may endanger the health of the residents, we must say no to them.

To sum up, because of the huge differences among all kinds of factories, the question given by the author should be considered case by case. Although I don’t support some factories with severe pollutions, considering that it seems there are more benefits than disadvantages to build new factories, most of which will do no harm to people’s health, I prefer to support the idea of building a new factory near our community. 让步段说如果有污染，MUST SAY NO，而到结尾，又说污染不严重DO NO HARM TO PEOPLE‘S HEALTH则可以接受，有一点点矛盾了。语言没看出太大问题。

ZEALPALADINUID: 192560

TO 北回归线

你的文章结构需要大改，论点是反对，但让步占了一大段，中间对tourist attraction的影响应该放在大的环境问题后面，因为环境问题是根本。交通问题本来很不错，但只有寥寥几笔。我看范文里4分的作文都是提出观点，但没有展开，这会影响分数，应该引以为戒。