Artest to Toronto? ..etc (very funny)

digitclaUID: 150299

By BILL LANKHOF, TORONTO SUN

TORONTO -- The Raptors have taken bigger gambles than trading to get Ron Artest. Okay, he's not a model citizen. But we've already got Tie Domi playing Santa clone around here and how many of them does a city really need? All Artest has to do is play at both ends of a basketball court and try not to get himself arrested.

Besides, Artest will fit in better with the Raptors than in Indiana because:

- Canadians throw beer too - but only down their own throats.

- He won't have to ask for time off to promote his rap music because only about half the team shows up regularly for home games anyway.

- It's really difficult to run into the stands and get into a fight near the end of games in Toronto because the fan has already left the building in the third quarter.

- It would give Sam Mitchell a marquee player who can defend something other than his mother's parking space.

- Artest can act like an arrogant, self-indulgent, obsessive, demanding peacock. Of course, they said that about General Patton, too. And all he did was win a world war.

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BITS 'N' BITES: Jason Giambi of the Yankees was seen at a club in New York wearing a T-shirt that read: "Better Living Through Chemistry." Dick Pound immediately blamed NHL players for being a bad influence ... A Detroit radio station is organizing "The Angry Fan March" tomorrow when the Lions play host to the Bengals at Ford Field. The contest-winning slogan - in pricking team president Matt Millen - is: "Not In This Millennium."

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MOTHERHOOD ISSUE: A Utah university study reveals a man's sex drive goes down when his team loses.

Item: Canada's birth rate has declined the past 40 years.

Item: The Maple Leafs haven't won the Stanley Cup since 1967.

Conclusion: The government, as former Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau once declared, may not belong in the nation's bedroom but who knew that the fate of a nation would depend on whether Pat Quinn can get all of us, ahhh, how do we put this delicately, ahhh, up for the game.

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PAPER TIGERS: Vince Carter donated $2.5 million US for construction of a new gym at his alma mater, Mainland High School in Deland, Florida, on the stipulation that it be named for him and, his mother insists, that a life-sized statue of him be erected out front. Observes Dwight Perry, Seattle Times: "No truth to the rumour that Vince will be portrayed in bronze patting himself on the back."

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Dan Daly, Washington Times, on Miami Heat centre Shaquille O'Neal becoming a reserve police officer in Miami: "Shaq will be able to carry a gun, according to reports, as long as he doesn't shoot it from the free-throw line."

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ESPN Radio's Colin Cowherd doesn't understand the popularity of fantasy sports leagues. "I've got fantasies," he says, "but Bartolo Colon isn't in any of them."

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KNOBS AND SNOBS: England cricket player Matthew Hoggard says he called Tony Blair a "knob" at an official reception after their Ashes win over Australia.

He told BBC sports: "My memory is quite blurred, but I remember a big red thing - so I think we took a bus to Downing Street.

"I believe Tony popped in for a glass of - what did they offer us? - pineapple juice. We left Downing Street and there was a lot of photographers. He said: "What do they want?"

"So I looked at him and said: 'A photo, you knob!' "

So, now you know what it really means when newspapers say that Paul Martin and Stephen Harper hit the streets for a little hob-knobbing.

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SMART 'N' SASSY: Former Northampton player Roy Fairfax on marking George Best when the latter scored six goals in an 8-2 win for Manchester United in 1970. "The closest I got to him was when we shook hands at the end of the game."

[ Last edited by Rittub on 2005-12-29 at 18:55 ]