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argument65 (kito)谢谢大家!!
65 The following appeared in a memo from the president of a chain of
cheese stores located throughout the United States.
"For many years all the stores in our chain have stocked a wide variety of
both domestic and imported cheeses. Last year, however, the five
best-selling cheeses at our newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses
from Wisconsin. Furthermore, a recent survey by Cheeses of the World
magazine indicates an increasing preference for domestic cheeses among its
subscribers. Since our company can reduce expenses by limiting inventory,
the best way to improve profits in all of our stores is to discontinue
stocking many of our varieties of imported cheese and concentrate
primarily on domestic cheeses."
提纲:
1 新开的几家商店的情况不能说明所有商店,也许它开在Wisconsin,或是那儿的人们与Wisconsin的联系特别密切。
2 卖得最好不能说明利润最高,因为有可能是它们价格特别低,另外新开业买得好不代表以后会卖得好,可能最近这几个牌子在做促销活动,这样的势头不会保持。
3 关于杂志的调查。第一,杂志的订阅者人数是多少,如果看的人少这份调查就没有代表性。第二,什么类型的人顶这份杂志,if它的主要客户不是顾客而是研究cheese制造的或是销售的人,那么也不能说明顾客中有偏爱domestic cheeses。第三,调查是否公正,我们不排除偏爱imported cheeses的subscriber没有寄回问卷,或者就没有定这份杂志。
4 没有证据说明进口的不能盈利,卖不出去。
正文:
In this memo, the president of a chain of cheese stores recommends that in order to improve profits in all stores it is necessary to stop stocking many sorts of imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domestic cheese. To support this recommendation, the president points out that last year the five best-selling cheeses at their newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin. Moreover the presidents cites a survey conducted by Cheese of the World magazine showing that an increasing preference for domestic cheese among its subscribers. However this argument is logically flawed in a number of respects.恩,开头写的好,赞一个
To begin with, the president unfairly assumes that the best-seller 我觉得 与后面的best-selling有点重复,the newest store 不一定是the best-seller呀?你想说的是销售情况吗?你觉得直接用the sales 可以吗?of the five best-selling cheeses at the newest store could represent all of their stores selling trend这里的宾语是store还是selling trend?选一个吧?. It is entirely possible that the newest stores open opened in Wisconsin or people keep in touch with each other frequently这句话不是看你的提纲还真不知道要说的是什么意思,看看这样行不?their newest store build a reliable and stable supply-and-demand relationship with the cheese manufacturers in Winsconsin?. Without considering and ruling out these possibilities the president’s recommendation is untenable.
In addition, there is no causal relationship between best-selling and high profits. The president commits a fallacy that as long as我不知道你的as long as 放在这里是作什么用的? the more cheeses sold, the more profits. As a matter of fact for that matter, maybe it is because the price of cheddar cheese from Wisconsin is so cheep that many consumers buy them.既然决定用it is ...that...的句型就不要中间再来becasue了,你看看这样行不?it is the cheep price of cheese from Wisconsin that many consumers are willing to buy them What is more, the five newest stores the five best-selling cheese 什么时候变成five newest stores了? have a good selling at the first beginning however, whether this trend could continue is unwarranted. Perhaps this cheddar cheese makes a sales promotion 你的意思是打折吗?用was at a discount你看怎么样?and therefore it get got a good selling sale. If this is the case, the high profits are not guaranteed.
Furthermore, the survey that 怎么记得这时好像不能省?the president cites lacks credibility and validity. Firstly, the president fails to provide the definite number of subscribers. If the number of subscribers is not sufficiently sufficient enough, the result of this survey can not reflect the opinion of the population which consumes cheeses具体地说应该是这家连锁店的cheese. Secondly, what sorts of people subscribe this magazine is unknown. There is a possibility that the subscribers are all researchers who study the production of cheese 直接说the producers of cheese怎么样?感觉让人明白些 or that the subscribers are people who make sales market of cheese.做销售市场的人?are the market analysis who concerned with the sales of cheese你觉得呢? If so, the result of this survey fails to illustrate the preference of consumers and therefore is unconvincing. Finally, there is no evidence offered to substantiate the fairness of this survey. Perhaps the questionnaires of consumers who prefer imported cheese are not sent back or these consumers do not subscribe this magazine. Lacking this evidence listed above, the survey is dubious at best. 这段论证的比较详细而且有新意,除了对样本人数是否足够大和是否有代表性进行了攻击外,还特别驳斥了调查的公证性。
Finally, no evidence is provided to demonstrate that imported cheese could not make profits. The president fails to provide statistics to show whole nation’s cheese consumption habits and a particular circumstance of the cheese sales. Absent of this data, the increasing preference of cheddar cheese is incredible. 恩,最好再举两个例子说imported cheese 也能有profits甚至更多,从全国来看可能前五位的可能是imported cheese,那就更好了
To sum up, through close scrutiny of this argument, however reveals that这句话你用了through就缺了主语了,你觉得的呢?要不改成I found that.. little evidence lends support to the president’s recommendation. To strengthen it, the presidents must make a careful survey to substantiate the increasing preference of cheddar cheese. What is more, to bolster it the president should provide evidence to illustrate the causal relationship between the cheddar cheese sales and the high profits and also the president should make us convincing直接用convince us that the promotion of cheddar cheese is the most effective way of increasing profits.
总的说来写的不错,只是觉得中间有些语句表达有点问题,我想说的是另外一件事。
其实很早就想问智恩了,觉得你每次改别人作文的时候很少从文章的思路,论证的角度去评判一篇文章,如果你有什么不同的观点不妨说出来大家一起探讨,而不是只改改语法和句式的错误。按你的评判我的argument174好到只有两三个小错误,这显然不负责地给我造成一种假相。
我想说的就这么多,感谢你作为组长的尽心尽力,如果有什么冒犯的话请原谅! |
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