argument153 互拍，留连接，哈哈

果小冻UID: 208370

argument153 - 电视暴力与青少年犯罪
The following is from an editorial in the Midvale Observer, a local newspaper.
'Ever since the 1950's, when television sets began to appear in the average home, the rate of crimes committed by teenagers in the country of Alta has steadily increased. This increase in teenage crime parallels the increase in violence shown on television. According to several national studies, even very young children who watch a great number of television shows featuring violent scenes display more violent behavior within their home environment than do children who do not watch violent shows. Furthermore, in a survey conducted by the Observer, over 90 percent of the respondents were parents who indicated that prime-time television-programs that are shown between 7 p.m. and 9 p.m.-should show less violence. Therefore, in order to lower the rate of teenage crime in Alta, television viewers should demand that television programmers reduce the amount of violence shown during prime time."

提纲：
1,没有证据可以说明少年犯罪是因为电视节目的暴力内容的上升。首先缺乏可靠的数据说明犯罪率有明显的提高，再次两者同时发生也不能说明之间有因果关系，是否有犯罪的少年经常看电视里的暴力呢？他们看前后的行为思想的对比
2，国际性的调查缺乏可信度，首先国际性的情况不一定在当地适用，其次在家庭环境有暴力行为并不能说明他们一定会在外面造成犯罪行为，要说明这些暴力行为的尺度。
3，关于调查，缺乏科学性的描述，这个调查的权威性值得怀疑，调查的总数，调查的代表性，被访者大多是父母，他们的意见是否可以代表大众观点。
正文：
In this argument, the author recommends that the amount of violence shown on TV should be reduced. Relied on personal observing, several national studies and a survey, the author granted the connections between teenage crime and those violent programs. However, after carefully analysis, all these evidences are neither sufficient nor credible to come to the conclusion.

First of all, the paralleling of the increase in teenage crime and that in violence shown on TV cannot be equal to that there is any causation between the two, since they are just happening at the same time. Lacking any detailed data about the rate of teenage crime before and after television sets coming into daily life, the so-called steadily increasing is rather open to doubt, let alone contributing it to the increasing in the violence shown on TV. In order to convince us, the author should give us credible evidences, which may show that the majority of these teenage criminals are used to watching violent shows, including the time they spent on these programs and the kinds of these shows. In addition, the author should make a scientific comparison of the thoughts and behaviors of these teenage criminals before and after they receiving information conveyed by these violent shows. After all, we need to acknowledge the influence of violent shows clearly on these children especially on their psychology first. Also, the author fails to consider other possible causations of the increasing of teenage crime or just refuses to mention. Perhaps those children are inherently violent, which is determined by the genes of the people they belongs to; or perhaps it is the whole society environment becoming more violent because of some other reasons, rather than watching some violent shown, that resulted in the increasing rate of teenage crimes. Thus, before giving us sufficient evidence revealing certain connections between violent shows and teenage crimes, before ruling out other alternative reasons, the author should not assume that the rising of teenage crime is just caused by the increasing of violence shown on TV.

Further more, those national studies cannot be simply applied in the country of Alta, since situations differ with different places. Unless the author gives us direct evidence about children in Alta, for example, their preference of television programs, their behaviors in daily lives, as well as their changes before and after watching violent shows, any conclusion relied on the total condition is dubious. Also, displaying more violent behavior within their home environment does not follow that they will display more violent behavior outside home. Moreover, displaying violent is completely dissimilar with committing crime. Admittedly, we concede that these violent shows on television really have some bad effect on the development of children, but it does not mean that we can contribute the teenage crimes to these programs. As a consequence, the author should tell us exactly what these violent behaviors are and how bad their influence is. After all there are great differences between violent behaviors and crimes. In short, the author should not conclude that the more violent shows children watch, the more possibilities they will commit crime.

Moreover, there are several questions about the survey conducted by the observer, including its authority and representative. First, the author fails to tell us the total number of the respondents. Maybe only a small number of people accept this survey, thus ninety percent means nothing at all. Second, since almost all the respondents are parents, their opinions cannot be equal to those of the masses. Maybe these parents just prefer their children doing homework during prime time to watching any TV. However, they do not consider the influence of these violent shows at all. Thus the author should provide more views of people of different jobs and different positions of the society.

In a sum, the author should conduct a more detailed and representative survey about people's attitudes towards violent shows during prime time, as well as a scientific study, concerning about the exact connection between teenage crimes and violent shows. Or any suggestion is open to doubt.

果小冻UID: 208370

烂文也是要顶的，哦哈哈

sallyxinduUID: 2131253

argument153 - 电视暴力与青少年犯罪
The following is from an editorial in the Midvale Observer, a local newspaper.
'Ever since the 1950's, when television sets began to appear in the average home, the rate of crimes committed by teenagers in the country of Alta has steadily increased. This increase in teenage crime parallels the increase in violence shown on television. According to several national studies, even very young children who watch a great number of television shows featuring violent scenes display more violent behavior within their home environment than do children who do not watch violent shows. Furthermore, in a survey conducted by the Observer, over 90 percent of the respondents were parents who indicated that prime-time television-programs that are shown between 7 p.m. and 9 p.m.-should show less violence. Therefore, in order to lower the rate of teenage crime in Alta, television viewers should demand that television programmers reduce the amount of violence shown during prime time."

提纲：
1,没有证据可以说明少年犯罪是因为电视节目的暴力内容的上升。首先缺乏可靠的数据说明犯罪率有明显的提高，感觉这点是前提，没必要去驳斥，这就好比你驳斥本来这个阿狗的题目没有意义一样。再次两者同时发生也不能说明之间有因果关系，是否有犯罪的少年经常看电视里的暴力呢？他们看前后的行为思想的对比 除了这点以外可以讨论下引起犯罪的其他因素，比如贫困，教育质量，法律漏洞等。
2，[国际的调查缺乏可信度，首先国际性的情况不一定在当地适用，其次在家庭环境有暴力行为并不能说明他们一定会在外面造成犯罪行为，要说明这些暴力行为的尺度。
对于这点，咱们讨论下我没看出来是说了家庭暴力
3，关于调查，缺乏科学性的描述，这个调查的权威性值得怀疑，调查的总数，调查的代表性，被访者大多是父母，他们的意见是否可以代表大众观点。

正文：
In this argument, the author recommends that the amount of violence shown on TV should be reduced. Relied on with regard to personal observing, several national studies and a survey, 这里断句比上面断句更好，这里断句后加个consequently引导the author granted the connections between teenage crime and those violent programs. However, after carefully analysis, all these evidences are neither sufficient nor credible to come to substantiate the conclusion.
句子之间不是很流畅，稍微注意下
First of all, the paralleling of the increase in teenage crime and that in violence shown on TV cannot be equal to that there is any causation between the two, 感觉说的不是很自然，象套词组的感觉，建议把bbe eaqual to该为demonstrate　since they are just happening at the same time. Lacking any detailed data about the rate of teenage crime before and after television sets coming into daily life, the so-called steadily increasing is rather open to doubt, let alone contributing it 注意这个句子的主语，该为being attributed to the increasing in the violence shown on TV. In order to convince us, the author should give us credible evidences,不可数名词 which may show that the majority of these teenage criminals are used to watching violent shows, including the time they spent on these programs and the kinds of these shows. In addition, the author should make a scientific comparison of the thoughts and behaviors of these teenage criminals before and after they receiving information conveyed by these violent shows. After all, we need to acknowledge the influence of violent shows clearly on these carry weight on children especially on their psychology first.感觉这段太长了点，下面的可以另起一段了 Also, the author fails to consider other possible causations of the increasing of teenage crime or just refuses to mention. Perhaps those children are inherently violent, which is determined by the genes of the people they belongs to; 表达复杂了，改外by their congenital genes or perhaps it is the whole society environment becoming more violent because of some other reasons, rather than watching some violent shown, that resulted in the increasing rate of teenage crimes. Thus, before giving us sufficient evidence revealing certain connections between violent shows and teenage crimes, before ruling out other alternative reasons, the author should not assume that the rising of teenage crime is just caused by the increasing of violence shown on TV.

Further more, those national studies cannot be simply applied in the country of Alta,好驳斥点～～！ since situations differ with different places. Unless the author gives us direct evidence to guarantee the similarity between childerenin Alta and the average children nationwild. say , the arguer should present information 加上这句以提出提供具体信息的目的（为了说明调查有代表性）about children in Alta, for example, their preference of television programs, their behaviors in daily lives, as well as their changes before and after watching violent shows, any conclusion relied on the total general condition is dubious. Also, displaying more violent behavior within their home environment does not follow that they will display more violent behavior outside home. Moreover, displaying violent is completely dissimilar with committing crime. Admittedly, we concede that these violent shows on television really have some bad effect on the development of children, but 去掉it does not mean that we can contribute the teenage crimes to these programs. As a consequence, the author should tell us exactly what these violent behaviors are and how bad their influence is. After all there are great differences between violent behaviors and crimes. In short[/u],in this sense这样感觉逻辑关系强点 the author should not conclude that the more violent shows children watch, the more possibilities they will commit crime.
小小这段的论述不错，很深入啊～～～赞～！理解你家庭暴力的意思了，就是violent behavior within their home environment 呵呵

Moreover, there are several questions about the survey conducted by the observer, including its authority and representative. First, the author fails to tell us the total number of the respondents. Maybe only a small number of people accept this survey, thus ninety percent means nothing at all. Second, since almost all the respondents are parents, their opinions cannot be equal to those of the masses. Maybe these parents just prefer their children doing homework during prime time to watching any TV. However, they do not consider the influence of these violent shows at all. Thus the author should provide more views of people of different jobs and different positions of the society in order to ．．．

In a sum, the author should conduct a more detailed and representative survey about people's attitudes towards violent shows during prime time, as well as a scientific study, concerning about the exact connection between teenage crimes and violent shows. Or 这是一个句子啊，不能断开的any suggestion is open to doubt.
小小的分析很深入啊～～～不错，不过行文安排注意下，有些短路太厂了反倒觉得不协调．用词方面也不错，有个别有点不是太自然，稍微注意下．
只的不错啊～～～～继续加油～～！！

[ 本帖最后由 sallyxindu 于 2006-1-16 14:09 编辑 ]

superficialUID: 2151788

argument153 互拍，留连接，哈哈

argument153 - 电视暴力与青少年犯罪
The following is from an editorial in the Midvale Observer, a local newspaper.
'Ever since the 1950's, when television sets began to appear in the average home, the rate of crimes committed by teenagers in the country of Alta has steadily increased. This increase in teenage crime parallels the increase in violence shown on television. According to several national studies, even very young children who watch a great number of television shows featuring violent scenes display more violent behavior within their home environment than do children who do not watch violent shows. Furthermore, in a survey conducted by the Observer, over 90 percent of the respondents were parents who indicated that prime-time television-programs that are shown between 7 p.m. and 9 p.m.-should show less violence. Therefore, in order to lower the rate of teenage crime in Alta, television viewers should demand that television programmers reduce the amount of violence shown during prime time."

提纲：
1,没有证据可以说明少年犯罪是因为电视节目的暴力内容的上升。首先缺乏可靠的数据说明犯罪率有明显的提高，再次两者同时发生也不能说明之间有因果关系，是否有犯罪的少年经常看电视里的暴力呢？他们看前后的行为思想的对比
2，国际性[嘿嘿，national是国家 international是国际]的调查缺乏可信度，首先国际性的情况不一定在当地适用，其次在家庭环境有暴力行为并不能说明他们一定会在外面造成犯罪行为，要说明这些暴力行为的尺度。
3，关于调查，缺乏科学性的描述，这个调查的权威性值得怀疑，调查的总数，调查的代表性，被访者大多是父母，他们的意见是否可以代表大众观点。
正文：
In this argument, the author recommends that the amount of violence shown on TV should be reduced. Relied on personal observing, several national studies and a survey, the author granted the connections between teenage crime and those violent programs. However, after carefully analysis, all these evidences are neither sufficient nor credible to come to the conclusion.[这个开头段挺精彩的，尤其是第二句那个rely on句式，我无情的借鉴了啊~~]

First of all, the paralleling of[这个好，收！] the increase in teenage crime and that in violence shown on TV cannot be equal to that there is any causation between the two, since they are just happening at the same time. Lacking any detailed data about the rate of teenage crime before and after television sets coming into daily life, the so-called steadily increasing is rather open to doubt, let alone contributing it to the increasing [in the都去了算了表达简洁些] violence shown on TV. In order to convince us, the author should give us credible evidences, which may show that the majority of these teenage criminals are used to[used to 是过去常常啦] watching violent shows, including the time they spent on these programs and the kinds of these [this kind of ]shows. In addition, the author should make a scientific comparison of the thoughts and behaviors of these teenage criminals before and after they receiving information conveyed by these violent shows. After all, we need to acknowledge the influence of violent shows clearly on these children especially on their psychology first. Also, the author fails to consider other possible causations of the increasing of teenage crime or just refuses to mention. Perhaps those children are inherently violent, which is determined by the genes of the people they belongs to; or perhaps it is the whole society environment becoming more violent because of some other reasons, rather than watching some violent shown, that resulted in the increasing rate of teenage crimes. Thus, before giving us sufficient evidence revealing certain connections between violent shows and teenage crimes, before ruling out other alternative reasons, the author should not assume that the rising of teenage crime is just caused by the increasing of violence shown on TV.[太长了！小小~~我可真是佩服死你了，这个攻击点写了这么多！但是考试的时候写这么多吃亏啊影响下面的展开 可以舍弃一个攻击点的]

Further more, those national studies cannot be simply applied in[be applied to固定搭配] the country of Alta, since situations differ with different places.[我觉得这个意思表达的不太好，而且differ with+ sb,用vary怎么样] Unless the author gives us direct evidence[description是不是好些，不然证据证明什么呢？只接children不好吧] about children in Alta, for example, their preference of television programs, their behaviors in daily lives, as well as their changes before and after watching violent shows, any conclusion relied on the total condition is dubious. Also, displaying more violent behavior within their home environment does not follow[好词] that they will display more violent behavior outside home. Moreover, displaying violent is completely dissimilar with committing crime. Admittedly, we concede that these violent shows on television really have some bad effect on the development of children, but it does not mean that we can contribute the teenage crimes to these programs.[这句话不好，we多余了，直接用programe contribute to crimes的表达更好] As a consequence, the author should tell us exactly what these violent behaviors are and how bad their influence is. After all there are great differences between violent behaviors and crimes. In short, the author should not conclude that the more violent shows children watch, the more possibilities they will commit crime.

Moreover, there are several questions about the survey conducted by the observer, including its authority and representative. First, the author fails to tell us the total number of the respondents. Maybe only a small number of people accept this survey, thus ninety percent means nothing at all. Second, since almost all the respondents are parents, their opinions cannot be equal to those of the masses[mass就可以了吧]. Maybe these parents just prefer their children doing homework during prime time to watching any TV. However,[段中最好不要用however，可以用一些转折轻些的连词] they do not consider the influence of these violent shows at all. Thus the author should provide more views of people of[这个介词用得对吗？ 只是疑问哈] different jobs and different positions of the society.

In a sum, the author should conduct a more detailed and representative survey about people's attitudes towards violent shows during prime time, as well as a scientific study, concerning about the exact connection between teenage crimes and violent shows. Or any suggestion is open to doubt.[结尾段仓促了，为什么第一个提出的事survey？ 是不是应该study更重要些？咱们该去借鉴一下牛牛的结尾了，形成自己的模版，要不结尾写不好给人留下遗憾的]

[这不是写得不错嘛，还整天担心这个担心那个的！~ 不过不知道你这篇是不是限时而且独立写的呢? 快考试了要想这方面努力的噢~]

superficialUID: 2151788

to 小小
1,没有证据可以说明少年犯罪是因为电视节目的暴力内容的上升。首先缺乏可靠的数据说明犯罪率有明显的提高，感觉这点是前提，没必要去驳斥，这就好比你驳斥本来这个阿狗的题目没有意义一样。

sally说得对，我改的时候没看出来，这个是不需要较真的

superficialUID: 2151788

小小，恩恩，没想到我们组长都给你改了哦 你看了以后要认真修改啊~~ 要不以后我就不给你改了哦

果小冻UID: 208370

好，我马上修改，哈哈，你下次留连接，我也给你看