Issue130 无敌拍场第三篇，诚望大家指教

oraclerUID：2178645

Issue130 "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
  
完全反对

提纲：1.儿童的社会化对社会非常重要。
        2.但是，儿童的社会化不是最具决定的因素，还有儿童的其他方面的因素，也还有其他社会成员对社会有影响。
        3.我们有一些行之有效的方法来培养儿童，以构建一更好的社会。
字数:573
第三篇，写起来还是很慢，555。


The statement above induces a steadily growing concern topic about the socialization of children and how to cultivate our children to obtain the ability of constructing a better society. While the speaker seems overlooks many factors both in the former and the latter conclusion, in my point of view, the dual claims sounds unconvincing as it stands.

First of all, I concede that children’s socialization more or less is a powerful energy that spurs the development and the harmony of the whole society. By communicating with parents, relatives, teachers, peers, and strangers, children realize the aspect of one of human’s nature: socialization we concerned in this issue, and by doing this, they learn how to cooperate with others and how to make themselves involved in the world. This experience helps to build shrewd individuals and when thousands of such individuals molded, a powerful society formed. Further, just because the society is made up of various individuals, everyone’s way of behaviors and way of thinking will consequently influences the society, any time and any where.

However, the society’s destiny, a complex aggregation, dooms it could not be determined by any sole factors. Besides socialization, many other key ingredients should undoubtedly be involved, such as the ethnic, the morality and the formal knowledge and technology. Unless children try to engage in the society and at the same time, try to learn to be more honest and kindhearted and exert their best to master more knowledge, our society, in the long run, has the possibility to be a better one. Further, society, if we assume it is a family, it has a large number of members, and everyone being a part plays his or her particular role in the society. It is not only children’s capacity of the factors listed above has the force to determine the direction of the society, but any individual living on the earth contributes, especially the most energetic group: adults.

For the latter conclusion of the statement, unlike the speaker’s pessimistic claim, I would like to optimistically points out that we surely have the way if only we will. Just as to give a recommendation to somebody we should know what he or she needs first, a better society, generally considered as a more peaceful and harmonious one, needs some basic ingredients such as well organized socialization, sympathetic and unbiased citizens, convenient and comfortable living conditions, and so on. To get our children more socialized, at least our parents and schools  can teach them to negotiate and cooperate with others, to be decent in the public, to .To teach our children be to sympathetic and unbiased, all the persons they meet in his life besides parents and professional educators would help. And to teach children that will contribute to bring about a convenient and comfortable living environment, we can teach them to study hard to master more knowledge and techniques, which has proved the efficient way to fundamentally enhance our life standard.

In conclusion, just as the speaker does, I surely concern the significance and how to truly effectively teach children, since they are usually thought as the future of the society. But when it comes to at what extent children’s socialization contributes to a society, the determined force is not the single one. In addition, to prepare our children for a better society, practicable ways has take effect at present, and will get more and more integrity in the future.

dzhb644UID：2127664

Issue130 "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
完全反对

提纲：1.儿童的社会化对社会非常重要。
        2.但是，儿童的社会化不是最具决定的因素，还有儿童的其他方面的因素，也还有其他社会成员对社会有影响。
        3.我们有一些行之有效的方法来培养儿童，以构建一更好的社会。
字数:573
第三篇，写起来还是很慢，555。


The statement above induces a steadily growing concern topic about the socialization of children and how to cultivate our children to obtain the ability of constructing a better society. While the speaker seems overlooks[语法错误overlooking] many factors both in the former and the latter conclusion, in my point of view, the dual claims sounds unconvincing as it stands.

First of all, I concede [concede 指不情愿的承认，是一种让步，用在这里不对]that children’s socialization more or less is a powerful energy that spurs[spur指刺激，但是像针刺一样的刺激，或者是刺激因子，用作development的谓语感觉怪怪的] the development and the harmony of the whole society. By communicating with parents, relatives, teachers, peers, and strangers, children realize [the aspect of one直接说one aspect ] of human’s nature: socialization we concerned[concerning] in this issue, and by doing this,[这一句有问题，貌似删掉更连贯一些] they learn how to cooperate with others and how to make themselves involved[make sb. do sth.这里用involve不太好，卷入] in the world. This experience helps to build shrewd individuals and when thousands of such individuals [molded不好], a powerful society formed. Further, just because the society is made up of various individuals, everyone’s way of behaviors and [way of删去] thinking will consequently influences the society, any time and any where.[社会化可以使人们增强cooperation的能力，这对社会的积极影响也要说一下才好]

However, the society’s destiny, a complex aggregation, dooms[这个命运多指不好的命运，用在这里不好] it could not be determined by any sole factors.[句法有问题] Besides socialization, many other key ingredients should undoubtedly be involved, such as the ethnic, the morality and the formal knowledge and technology. Unless children try to engage in the society and at the same time, try to learn to be more honest and kindhearted and exert their best to master[gain 就可以了] more knowledge, our society, in the long run, has the possibility to be a better one. Further, society, if we assume it is a family, it has a large number of members, and everyone being a part plays his or her particular role [in the society改为in it]. It is not only children’s capacity of the factors listed above has the force to determine the direction of the society, but any individual living on the earth contributes, especially the most energetic group: adults. [话没说完阿，最好有明确的说明，不要在这里留余味]

For the latter conclusion of the statement, unlike the speaker’s pessimistic claim, I would like to optimistically points out that we surely have the way if only we will. Just as to give a recommendation to somebody we should know what he or she needs first, a better society, generally considered as a more peaceful and harmonious one, needs some basic ingredients such as well organized socialization, sympathetic and unbiased citizens, convenient and comfortable living conditions, and so on. To get our children more socialized, at least our parents and schools  can teach them to negotiate and cooperate with others, to be decent in the public, to .To teach our children be to sympathetic and unbiased, all the persons they meet in his life besides parents and professional educators would help. And to teach children that will contribute to bring about a convenient and comfortable living environment, we can teach them to study hard to master more knowledge and techniques, which has proved the efficient way to fundamentally enhance our life standard.[最好不要只有理论，谈一下具体的教育措施从而证明我们不是无能为力的]

In conclusion, just as the speaker does, I surely concern the significance and how to truly effectively teach children, since they are usually thought as the future of the society. But when it comes to at what extent children’s socialization contributes to a society, the determined force is not the single one. In addition, to prepare our children for a better society, practicable ways has take effect at present, and will get more and more integrity in the future.


你的文章比较连贯，看起来很舒服，
通常来说，issue文章全赞成或者全反对是比较危险的，最好采取让步，这样会显得比较客观，也是ETS喜欢的。
你在文章中，将题目分成两部分分别驳斥，条理比较清楚，但是，要提出自己的看法才行，不能每段开头都说这个assertion不对，那个assertion不对，之后要紧跟自己的观点。
事例的支持是非常重要的，仅仅说理是不够的。
改的不对的请指正，为了共同的进步！！
Dzhb644

oraclerUID：2178645

谢谢dzhb644 的修改，发现自己问题好多，呵呵。

furongge709UID：2180517

1.While the speaker seems overlooks[语法错误overlooking]          有seem doing的用法吗？应该是seem to do吧
2.I concede [concede 指不情愿的承认，是一种让步，用在这里不对]        用acknowledge吧,另外要说的是表示赞同的话一般不要用I acknowledge之类的，感觉太中国的说，可以用it's true that之类好一点。
3.children’s socialization more or less is a powerful energy           应该是be more or less而不是more or less be.
4.how to make themselves involved[make sb. do sth.这里用involve不太好，卷入] in the world.           这句话虽然有点问题，但改得也不全对。make themselves involved in改成be involved in就好了，类似be absorbed in的用法。be involved in是融入的意思，用得蛮好的。
5.everyone’s way of behaviors and [way of删去] thinking will consequently influences the society, any time and any where.     influences改成influence，注意笔误。
6.by any sole factors           factor.
7.society, if we assume it is a family, it has a large number of members                 这句为什么不用society,if assumed as a family ,has a large number of members,和2类似，不要总把人放在前面作主语，感觉蛮别扭的。
8.It is not only children’s capacity of the factors listed above has the force to determine the direction of the society, but any individual living on the earth contributes, especially the most energetic group: adults.               capacity要改成capability吧，前者指容量那种能力，后者才是人的能力。另外如果前面的分句用not only,后面是不是用but also更好些，显得更严谨一点，后面只用but,显得对得不是蛮工整。
9. I would like to optimistically points out that          points应该是point啦
10.To teach our children be to sympathetic          be to 应该是to be,且建议把某一两个teach改成tell,让用词有点变化。
11.all the persons they meet in his life besides parents and professional educators would help.        把they meet改成one meets,和后面的in his life要对应。
12.practicable ways has take effect at present    has take effect改成have taken effect.
闲得没事，就把修改稿又改了一遍。

[ 本帖最后由 furongge709 于 2006-2-5 12:09 编辑 ]

oraclerUID：2178645

mj? 呵呵，非常感谢,自己写得太不认真了.

[ 本帖最后由 oracler 于 2006-2-5 18:26 编辑 ]