Issue64 成功和运用成功，互拍ing

hchoUID: 204567

TOPIC: ISSUE 64 - "Many people know how to attain success, but few know how to make the best use of it."
WORDS: 607          TIME: 0:45:00          DATE: 2006-2-10

Syllabus:
1. 对成功和运用成功的定义
2. 承认一些没有最佳运用成功的情况
3. 但仍然有人懂得如何运用成功
限时，自己改过一遍，欢迎互拍。

Do most of us know little about how to make the best use of success, as the author stated above? For my part, I think this statement is so vague that before we reach any conclusion, we have to make careful analysis in several aspects. And after considering all the relevant concerns, the answer is that many of us do gain the power of make the best use of success.

First of all, it is very important to clear some definitions at the very beginning. What is the definition of success? What is the correct way to make the best use of it? I find there are a common description adopted by the public and a variety of other definitions in each person's innermost heart. In general, success can be considered to be earning enough money, reaching the peak of the science, getting a decent job and any other similar pursuits, and the correct way to make the best use of it is to achieve the happiness and benefits of both oneself and the society and fulfill one’s own life value. But some minorities of the society may hold totally different definitions of these terms. Since these individual judges are unpredictable, to make the analysis less complex, I only analyze the issue based on social definitions here, but we should be aware that there do exist other descriptions that do not comply with this contention.

If we adopt social definitions above, I have to concede that in this material world, some successes are so forced by their misconceptions and so obsessed by their own interests that they miss the original merit of life and the responsibilities accompanying their success. A white-collar man may work hard but has no other time and energy to enjoy the happiness of the life. Even though he achieves the success by being wealthy, he is not making the best use of it because he has become a slave of the work. A scientist may be called a success for he reached the top of certain research area such as biology. However, if he uses his knowledge to develop new biochemical weapons for some commercial purpose, he cannot be said being making the best use of success because he deteriorates the happiness of the others. It is no doubt that a millionaire more often than not can be named a success, but if he only use his money for eating and drinking, and some other entertainment use like that, he is also not on the way of the best use of success because he has the power to make benefits for others but he never uses it.

No doubt that we can find a lot of other similar people around us, but there are also many elite who erect paragons for us. For instance, HongKong No.1 wealthy man Li Jiacheng recently donated one billion to HongKong Univ. Shao Yifu, another HongKong rich entrepreneur, has so much enthusiasm in enhancing the mainland education level that we can see buildings patronized by him in many campuses. Wu Mengchao, a doctor who is the most famous expert in his research field, dedicates all himself to treat patients with liver cancers. They attained success, but they also successfully maximized the happiness of both themselves and the others. As a result, they make the best use of success.

So, it is safe to draw my conclusion that the status quo is not as bad as the author stated. Many of the famous in our contemporary world, if not the most, know how to fulfill their merits to the society, as well as pursue their own life values.

hchoUID: 204567

其实觉得这个题目比较泛，一开始给一下定义是比较必要的，有利于后面的论证有理有据。但是我后面的论证有点落俗套了，所以论证的不是很有力，我后来想了想，觉得可能从更实际的方面出发比较好。比如成功到底给我们带来了什么，而我们没有利用好或把握住，导致我们没有运用好成功：
1. 对自己，成功比如财富给我们带来了享受生活，实现自我价值的机会
2. 对他人，成功意味着我们要承担更多的责任
可能这样会比较好。还有一个思路是从不同具体方面举例，每个方面运用好和运用不好的情况contrast一下，比如百万富翁、高级白领等，总之我觉得这两个思路都比空谈没有运用好成功，但也有运用好成功的思路要好。

greenlemonUID: 2169154

1. 对成功和运用成功的定义
2. 承认一些没有最佳运用成功的情况
3. 但仍然有人懂得如何运用成功
限时，自己改过一遍，欢迎互拍。

Do most of us know little about how to make the best use of success, as the author stated above? For my part, I think this statement is so vague that before we reach any conclusion, we have to make careful analysis in several aspects. And after considering all the relevant concerns, the answer is that many of us do gain the power of make the best use of success.

First of all, it is very important to clear some definitions at the very beginning. What is the definition of success? What is the correct way to make the best use of it? I find there are a common description adopted by the public and a variety of other definitions in each person's innermost heart.（新东方老师说there be句型不那么formal,不建议用.改成a common description is adopted by the public, along with a variety of other definitions individually.） In general, success can be considered to be earning enough money, reaching the peak of the science, getting a decent job and any other similar pursuits, and the correct way to make the best use of it is to achieve the happiness and benefits of both oneself(individual) and the society and fulfill one’s own life value. But some minorities of the society may hold totally different definitions of these terms. Since these individual judges are unpredictable, to make the analysis less complex, I only analyze the issue based on social definitions here, but we should be aware that there do exist other descriptions that do not comply with this contention.

If we adopt social definitions above, I have to concede that in this material world, some successes are so forced by their misconceptions and so obsessed by their own interests that they miss the original merit of life and the responsibilities accompanying their success. A white-collar man may work hard but has no other time and energy to enjoy the happiness of the life. Even though he achieves the success by being wealthy, he is not making the best use of it because he has become a slave of the(the去掉) work. A scientist may be called a success for he reached the top of certain research area such as biology. However, if he uses his knowledge to develop new biochemical weapons for some commercial purpose, he cannot be said being making the best use of success because he deteriorates the happiness of the others. It is no doubt that a millionaire more often than not can be named a success, but if he only use his money for eating and drinking, and some other entertainment use like that(这个, 换成but if his wealth is mostly spent on individual entertainment or luxurious consumption), he is also not on the way of the best use of success because he has the power to make benefits for others but he never uses it.(从because 那里开始,because the social  function of his success is never performed practically.)

No doubt that we can find a lot of other similar people around us, but there are also many elite who erect paragons for us. For instance, Hong Kong No.1 wealthy man Li Jiacheng recently donated one billion to HongKong Univ. Shao Yifu, another HongKong rich entrepreneur, has so much enthusiasm in enhancing the mainland education level (enhance 和level 搭配吗?raise the education level in mainland)that we can see buildings patronized by him in many campuses. Wu Mengchao, a doctor who is the most famous expert in his research field, dedicates all himself (all himself?? Devote himself to)to treat patients with liver cancers. They attained success, but they also successfully maximized the happiness of both themselves and the (the去掉,在没有特定范围的时候,不要加the)others. As a result, they make the best use of success.

So, it is safe to draw my conclusion that the status quo is not as bad as the author stated. Many of the famous in our contemporary world, if not the most, know how to fulfill their merits to the society, as well as pursue their own life values.结尾蛮不错的

恩，文章递进结构,很紧凑,关键是语言上还稍微欠缺.

greenlemonUID: 2169154

如果要改现在的思路，你说的两个中第一个比较好,第二个就是平行结构了,比起层进还是要差些. 先自身然后他人到社会的结构还是比较好

SelinaHouLeiUID: 2177666

限时作文写了600字？佩服佩服~~~

rabbitvvUID: 2115592

1. 对成功和运用成功的定义
2. 承认一些没有最佳运用成功的情况
3. 但仍然有人懂得如何运用成功
限时，自己改过一遍，欢迎互拍。
64"Many people know how to attain success, but few know how to make the best use of it."

Do most of us know little about how to make the best use of success, as the author stated above? For my part, I think this statement is (so vague that before we reach any conclusion)too vague to draw any conclusion, we have to make careful analysis in several aspects. And after considering all the relevant concerns, the answer is that many of us do gain the power of make the best use of success.这最后一句感觉跑题了。不是我们有没有这个POWER 去充分利用成功，而是很多人是否真的懂得去如何利用呀。

First of all, it is very important to clearmake clear some definitions at the very beginning. What is the definition of success? What is the correct way to make the best use of it? I find there are a common description adopted by the public and a variety of other definitions in each person's innermost heart. In general, success can be considered to be earning enough money, reaching the peak of the science, getting a decent job and any other similar pursuits, and the correct way to make the best use of it is to achieve the happiness and benefits of both oneself and the society and fulfill one’s own life value.看了你对成功和如何利用成功的定义，感觉好像两者没有什么区别。主要是如何利用成功你没有说清楚 But some minorities of the society may hold totally different (definitions of these terms)opinions. Since these individualindividuals’ judges are unpredictable, to make the analysis less complex, I only analyze the issue based on social definitions here, but we should be aware that there do exist other descriptions that do not comply with this contention.
你在这里想对题目中的关键词“成功”和“如何利用成功”下定义是有必要的。有利于你充分界定概念后去展开下面的论证。但是你想想，这不是这个议论文让你主要做的事情。而你在这个概念上占用了1/3的篇幅，是不应该的。有时候想把一个概念定义得很确切是吃力不讨好的事情，你就即浪费了笔墨又没有讲清楚，反而把读者绕进去了
If we adopt social definitions above, I have to concede that in this material world, (some successes are so forced by their misconceptions and so obsessed by their own interests that they miss the original merit of life and the responsibilities accompanying their success)前面这句话是有问题的。你的主语是SUCCESS,但是很明显你句子中所有出现的代词都是指代people的。反正没有看懂TS。. A white-collar man may work hardwork hard做什么？为了追求成功吗？if so,你就写出来”为了追求成功“这个意思呀,虽然你在下文提到了，但这是一句总领的句子呀。 but has no other time and energy to enjoy the happiness of the life. Even though he achieves the success by being wealthy, he is not making the best use of it because he has become a slave of the work. A scientist may be called a success for he reached the top of certain research area such as biology. However, if he uses his knowledge to develop new biochemical weapons for some commercial purpose, he cannot be said being making the best use of success because he deteriorates the happiness of the others. It is no doubt that a millionaire more often than not can be named a success, but if he only use his money for eating and drinking, and some other entertainment use like that, he is also not on the way of the best use of success because he has the power to make benefits for others but he never uses it.

No doubt that we can find a lot of （other similar people）people like those mentioned above around us, but there are also many elite who erect paragons for us. For instance, HongKong No.1 wealthy man Li Jiacheng recently donated one billion to HongKong Univ. Shao Yifu, another HongKong rich entrepreneur, has so much enthusiasm in enhancing the mainland education level that we can see buildings patronized by him in many campuses. Wu Mengchao, a doctor who is the most famous expert in his research field, dedicates all himself to treat patients with liver cancers. They attained success, but they also successfully maximized the happiness of both themselves and (the)去掉 others. As a result, they make the best use of success.

So, it is safe to draw my conclusion that the status quo is not as bad as the author stated. Many of the famous in our contemporary world, if not the most, know how to fulfill their merits to the society, as well as pursue their own life values.
B2和B3的观点还是可取的，但是B1不好，这个定义要缩减为一至两句话。然后你可以把“确实有很多人不晓得利用成功”这个观点拆为两个，分别放到B1和B2，当然也可以有其他的新观点。你斟酌一下。

hchoUID: 204567

谢谢greenlemon和兔兔的批改。我的语言不是太好，有时很羡慕meilin行如流水文风。

1. greenlemon对我B2最后一句的修改我持保留意见，因为我这句话的意图是有钱人他们拥有benefit 别人的力量，但他们却从来没有使用它，这和他们没有运用好成功是对应的。不过greenlemon的其他建议都是非常有建设性的。
2. 兔兔说我B1太长，这我完全同意，事实上在写的时候我也觉得我怎么说了这么多都没把问题说清楚，还花了宝贵的时间，实在是得不偿失。但是我对成功的和运用成功的区分是明确的，成功是物质层面的获得，名誉，地位，金钱。而对成功的运用是实现自己和他人的快乐和幸福，以及自己存在在这个社会的价值。在这里我有意把成功的精神层面去掉了，因为本打算B4写，但来不及写了。后来想想，不写也好，写了反而说不清楚。
3. B2successes 是指成功的人，我记得是有这样的说法的。
4. 总体来说，就像我在二楼所说的那样，这篇文章在切入点上选的不是很好，如果有时间的话我是想重写的。现在在看语言和argument的东西，觉得自己有很多地方都需要提高，时间可能不够用了。