topic166 同主题第二期， 诚心求拍，有拍必回 。互助丰衣足食

allisonUID: 192807

Comparing adults with children, we can easily find their distinctions lie in the ability of being independent. To be adults, children should equip themselves with to be independent materially and mentally. Among numerous events making a person an adult, leaving home to enter a university far away lists as the most common and significant one.

In spiritual side, during the period of studying a university far away from home, one has to acquire the skill to communicate with others without the help of parents, to judge and make decision on their own, and to form their view toward the society. Within an environment as a university be, reflection of half a society, all these capabilities are adopted through the process of learning and practicing. Case in point, my brothers used to be a child too self-centered to make friends due to the dotage of my parents. Nevertheless, gradually opening his heart to others after moving into the university dormitory, he made friends not only with his classmates but also with those from other college. But for the experience of living out with parents, he may never learn the skill to communicate with others, which the doomed element to achieve success in the adult world.

From a material economy perspective, when living in school devoid of the care of parents to live in school, children should budget their income and expenditure along with learning the ability to earn money to suffice their own spending. Given certain sum of money in a fixed period, children must weigh exactly what is deserved to purchase when necessary as adults do. After they are proficient enough to earn their own income, they become economically independent, which is a sign of becoming adults. For example, reports regarding the consumerism of university students show that many of them have already know to save money for the raining days, and a large proportion of them take part time jobs to get additional income. Definitely, they will taste the hardship and assume the responsibility to be adults through these processes.

All things considered, when children become materially and mentally self-reliance, they are on the right track to be adults. If only they live without their parents, this process will come true. For most of the children in the 21st century, entering university far away from home does furnish them the environment to explore their potential ability to act as adults do.

xizzhuUID: 2195156

paragraph 2:   the time of studying a university & gradually opening =x
paragraph 3:   the time of living in school + the ability to earn money to suffice their own spending = Y

you are trying to tell us that "X + Y" makes a person an adult.

要是能重新整理一下就好了.

here is mine:

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... &extra=page%3D4

xiaowenzi118UID: 202887

Comparing adults with children, we can easily find (加that,否则有语病) their distinctions lie in the ability of being independent. To be adults, children should equip themselves with to be independent materially and mentally. (这一句读起来也很别扭.可以说get themselves ready to be indepdendent materially and mentally. equip with 后面没有宾语,很奇怪)Among numerous events making a person an adult, leaving home to enter a university far away lists as the most common and significant one.

In spiritual side(可以用Spiritually speaking), during the period of studying a university far away from home, one has to acquire the skill to communicate with others without the help of parents, to judge and make decision on their own, and to form their view toward the society. Within an environment as a university be, reflection of half a society, all these capabilities are adopted through the process of learning and practicing. Case in point, my brothers used to be a child too self-centered to make friends due to the dotage of my parents. Nevertheless, gradually opening his heart to others after moving into the university dormitory, he made friends not only with his classmates but also with those from other college. But for the experience of living out with parents, he may never learn the skill to communicate with others, which the doomed element to achieve success in the adult world.

From a material economy perspective, when living in school devoid of the care of parents to live in school, children should budget their income and expenditure along with learning the ability to earn money to suffice their own spending. Given certain sum of money in a fixed period, children must weigh exactly what is deserved to purchase when necessary as adults do. After they are proficient enough to earn their own income, they become economically independent, which is a sign of becoming adults. For example, reports regarding the consumerism of university students show that many of them have already know to save money for the raining days, and a large proportion of them take part time jobs to get additional income. Definitely, they will taste the hardship and assume the responsibility to be adults through these processes.

All things considered, when children become materially and mentally self-reliance, they are on the right track to be adults. If only they live without their parents, this process will come true. For most of the children in the 21st century, entering university far away from home does furnish them the environment to explore their potential ability to act as adults do.

文章的结构很不错, 除了开头以外,其它部分都很到位.

将开头按我的看法改了一下

Comparing adults with children, we can easily find that their distinctions lie in the ability of being independent. To be adults, children should get themselves ready to be independent materially and mentally. Among the numerous events making a person an adult lists leaving home to enter a university far away, the most common and significant one.

这是我的链接:
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... e%3D1#pid1768449772

nick2005UID: 2133114

文章总体写的还不错,错误我同意楼上的说法.
我的,望帮拍
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... e%3D2#pid1768449038