同主题作文5：第一次练作文，第一次发上来，欢迎大家拍砖，有拍必回！谢谢

潇湘玉UID: 2163859

只有12天了才第一次写作文，会不会完蛋了。麻烦各位帮帮忙吧！我最头疼的就是作文了，谢谢！请留下链接，有拍必回。

谢谢猫猫的修改意见，我重新改了改原文的错误和格式，欢迎大家拍砖!
15。
Neighbors are the people who live near us, who keep a close relationship with us, who may meet with us every day. With a good neighbor, you can enjoy a happy neighborhood; while with a bad one, you may be antagonized throughout the whole year. So what makes a good neighbor? In my opinion, kindheartedness, good manners and consideration should rank the top.

First of all, it is a good neighbor who is always warm-hearted to you, always ready to give a hand. When you have to go out for an emergency, for example, she will helpfully offer to take care of your baby, keep watch of your door and attend your garden. Also, she will voluntarily assist you to carry shopping bags, when you get in front of your door from a nearby shopping mall. Besides, she may hurry to inform you of crucial news like sudden storm or hurricane.

What's more, another good quality that makes a good neighbor is good manners. That is, she respects you and always behave elegantly. Take my neighbor Miss Lee for an example, she greets me every morning with a mild smile and wishes me a good day, not only me, but the whole neighborhoods. She never teases at others, never gossips, never speaks ill of others. She is always smiling, giving all of us a good mood every day.

The last but not the least quality I appreciate is consideration from a good neighbor. Those without this quality are usually entailing vexation to us. For instance, my friend Jenny is always troubled by her next-door neighbor. She is a big rumormonger that often talks and laughs at troubles of others. One day, Jenny came back after mid-night from our annual party, the other day a rumor that Jenny is a bad girl spread out the communism with the effort of her neighbor, which really makes Jenny annoyed. Thus, I take consideration as a good characteristic of a good neighbor.

Maybe different people have different expectations from a good neighbor, in my mind, I always treasure good qualities such as a kind heart, good manners and consideration of my neighbor.

紧张中。

[ 本帖最后由 潇湘玉 于 2006-5-1 16:42 编辑 ]

潇湘玉UID: 2163859

up，帮帮忙吧。

潇湘玉UID: 2163859

再up一下

lanccyUID: 2156906

Neighbors are the people who live near us, who keep a close relationship with us, and who may meet with us every day. With a good neighbor, you can enjoy a happy neighborhood; while with a bad one, you may be antagonized throughout the whole year. So what makes a good neighbor? In my opinion, kindheartedness, good manners and consideration should rank the top.rank on top

It is a good neighbor who is always warm-hearted to you, always ready to give a hand. When you have to go out for an emergency, for example, she will helpfully offer to take care of your baby, keep watch of your door and attend your garden. Also, she will voluntarily assist you to carry shopping bags, when you get in front of your door from a nearby shopping mall. Besides, she may hurry to inform you of crucial news like sudden storm or hurricane.

Another good quality that makes a good neighbor is good manners. That is, she respects always behave elegantly.(这句话怎么有两个谓语？) Take my neighbor Miss Lee for an example, she greets me every morning with a mild smile and wish me a good day, not only me, but the whole neighborhoods. She never tease at others, never gossip, never speak ill of others. She is always smiling, giving all of us a good mood every day.

What I appreciate most is consideration from a good neighbor. Those without this quality are usually entailing vexation 这个词组用得过大了，不过可能是因为我两个字都不认得吧:$to us. For instance, my friend Jenny is always trouble troubled by her next-door neighbor next door就可以了. She is a big rumormonger that often talks and laughs at troubles of others. One day, Jenny came back after mid-night from our annual party, a rumor that Jenny is a bad girl spread out the communism community the other day with the effort of her neighbor, which really embarrassed her. Thus, I take consideration as a good characteristic of a good neighbor.

Maybe different people have different expectations from a good neighbor, in my mind, I always treasure good qualities such as a kind heart, good manners and consideration of my neighbor.


LZ写得很好啊，还这么谦虚，是按时完成的吧？举例很精彩，又很恰当，强人！还有用的一些词语的表达也不是很常见。
两个小小的建议：body的三个tp最好要有连接词，段落格式最好用开头顶格，每段空一行的形式，老外喜欢。

还有，继续关注我的呀
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... page%3D1&page=2

潇湘玉UID: 2163859

谢谢猫猫的修改！也谢谢你的鼓励和建议！写完了也发了上来，还是细心的猫猫帮我指出来了。嗯，好的，一会就去帮你看。呵呵，一起努力啊！

潇湘玉UID: 2163859

up

zephyrsunUID: 2186291

Neighbors are the people who live near us, who keep a close relationship with us, who may meet with us every day.（以排比开头，不错） With a good neighbor, you can enjoy a happy neighborhood; while with a bad one, you may be antagonized throughout the whole year. So what makes a good neighbor? In my opinion, kindheartedness, good manners and consideration should rank the top.

First of all, it is a good neighbor who is always warm-hearted to you, always ready to give a hand. When you have to go out for an emergency, for example, she （这里用代词不如用名词好，指代应该在前面有明确先行词的条件下使用）will helpfully offer to take care of your baby, keep watch of your door and attend your garden. Also, she will voluntarily assist you to carry shopping bags, when you get in front of your door from a nearby shopping mall.（道德过于高尚的邻居？如果SHOPPING BAGS非常多或重就好理解了） Besides, she may hurry to inform you of crucial news like sudden storm or hurricane.（仍然是好到不可思议的邻居，或者是极为八卦，呵呵，她怎么知道我不知道这些CRUCIAL NEWS呢，还非要跑着来告诉我。。。有种要搭讪的感觉。。。howerver，如果是看到我还有衣服没收，人又不在家，风雨就要来了，出手相助则较容易理解）

What's more, another good quality that makes a good neighbor is good manners.（三个GOOD连用，重复性大） That is, she respects you and always behave elegantly. Take my neighbor Miss Lee for an example, she greets me every morning with a mild smile and wishes me a good day, not only me, but the whole neighborhoods. She never teases at others, never gossips, never speaks ill of others. She is always smiling, giving all of us a good mood every day.这里有一个结语过渡比较好

The last but not the least quality I appreciate is consideration from a good neighbor. Those without this quality are usually entailing vexation to us. For instance, my friend Jenny is always troubled by her next-door neighbor. She is a big rumormonger that often talks and laughs at troubles of others. One day, Jenny came back after mid-night from our annual party, the other day a rumor that Jenny is a bad girl spread out the communism with the effort of her neighbor, which really makes Jenny annoyed. Thus, I take consideration as a good characteristic of a good neighbor.一正一反两个例子很好，但是如果都是身边的例子，据说老外会觉得说服力不强）

Maybe different people have different expectations from a good neighbor, in my mind, I always treasure good qualities such as a kind heart, good manners and consideration of my neighbor.

总的来说还是很不错的，尤其是就第一篇而言。
问题大概在于在例子的选取上应该多斟酌，结尾如果稍稍有力一些更好。

请帮我也拍拍，多谢~
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... page%3D1&page=1

潇湘玉UID: 2163859

谢谢czephyrsun ，链接打不开啊

timboyUID: 193944

（不好意思现在才回拍，我本以为我的帖子无人改了:)）
Neighbors are the people who live near us, who keep a close relationship with us, who may meet with us every day. With a good neighbor, you can enjoy a happy neighborhood(此句有点累赘); while with a bad one, you may be antagonized throughout the whole year. So（好像不是因果吧） what makes a good neighbor? In my opinion, kindheartedness, good manners and consideration should rank the top.（用的好）
开头让我想道了i have a dream:), 有气魄:)
First of all, it is a good neighbor who is always warm-hearted to you, always ready to give a hand(最后分句累赘). When you have to go out for an emergency, for example, she will helpfully（有益，有用地？看不懂耶） offer to take care of your baby, keep watch of your door and attend your garden（when you are busy with other matters）. Also（口语化的词少用), she will voluntarily assist you to carry shopping bags, when you get in front of your door from a nearby shopping mall. Besides, she may hurry to inform you of crucial news like sudden storm or hurricane.(觉得lz应总结一下)

Furthermore, another good quality that makes a good neighbor is good manners.(三个good,词汇多样化需加强:)) That is, she（one,不要涉及性别:)） respects you and always behave elegantly. Take my neighbor Miss Lee for an（删掉an） example, she greets me every morning with a mild smile and wishes me a good day, not only me, but the whole neighborhoods(recosider the fomer sentence,somewhat awkward:)). She never teases at others, never gossips, never speaks ill of others. She is always smiling, giving all of us a good mood every day.

The last but not the least quality I appreciate is consideration from a good neighbor. Those without this quality are usually entailing vexation to us. For instance, my friend Jenny is always troubled by her next-door neighbor. She is a big rumormonger that often talks and laughs at troubles of others. One day, Jenny came back after mid-night from our annual party, the other day a rumor that Jenny is a bad girl spread out the communism with the effort of her neighbor, which really makes Jenny annoyed. Thus, I take consideration as a good characteristic of a good neighbor.
(感觉lz说善解人意，能用consideration吗，considerate virtue是不是好些呢)
Maybe different people have different expectations from a good neighbor, in my mind, I always treasure good qualities such as a kind heart, good manners and consideration of my neighbor.
结构清晰，论证严密，lz加油，希望在minor mistakes上多加努力:victory::victory: