issue 141 【加州阳光】小组第三次作业 jj7710 请排砖

jj7710UID: 204058

中文提纲：
1 个人的成功对整个社会的成功有极大的贡献。社会的成功由个人成功组成。
2 个人的成功不应该损害他人或是整个社会的利益。
3 有时候为了保证公众和社会利益，个人利益需要作出牺牲。

正文：
There is a general discussion these days over the issue of individual benefits in the public. One of questions under debate is whether personal economic success requires conformity. Some regard individual benefits as a independent progress to earn money to guarantee their personal economic success. Others, who emphasize benefits on the whole society, assert that conformity should be placed at first place when one seeks for personal economic success. As far as I am concerned, individual benefits will lead to a more prosperous social economy and increase the standards of social residents if they are guided to get conformity.

No one can doubt the essential fact that individuals, the basic element constitutes of society, if their personal success are realized, contribute greatly to whole society's progress as well as promote the living standards of public. Any individual is willing to make his goal to most beneficial to himself. At the time they spent to realize the greatest individual benefits, they either operate some high-tech vehicles or manage a department of a company, or a coffee shop. They get benefits from the progress which benefits a large number of ordinary people. Without high-tech vehicle operator, some expensive systems might stop working. Without a department manager of a company, the whole business of the company might be put to the situation of danger. Without boss of lottery shop or coffee shop, people's lives will be less convenient. Those individuals, though with a mere aim of seeking their individual benefits, maintain the whole society's function.

However, it must be noted that the method of realizing individual economic success should be favorable to other and the whole society. Great disaster will arise if individuals tend to realize personal success by all means.
It is imaginable a society of disorder and diffusion flooded by individuals desperate to search their own benefits. Workers of important and secret department threaten to reveal national security secrets if more salary or bonus is given. Business man provide inferior or fake products to maximize its pure profit. From the above examples, it is clear that personal economic success can not be the solitary goal of an individual. This aspect must be paid attention to when one do harm to other people or society which benefit no one in the end.

Furthermore, personal success, sometimes, should be sacrificed to guarantee the benefits of the public and society. Take an famous example in China. The building of three gorge project turning water power to electric power requires local people to emigrant to other place to let their hometown flooded for the development of the whole project. And, local people, when faced with the great difficulties, did not complain their great loss and homelessness since then. Although their individual benefits are being damaged for the emigration, central and south China will benefit greatly due to the complement of the three gorge project. And a releasing to China's energy crisis would be achieved in sacrifice of some citizen's individual benefits. In fact, the majority of residents in central and south China get their individual benefits for the minority's conformity.

We could safely draw a conclusion that individual benefits should be respected with a ensure that other people and whole society's benefits are not being harmed.

yogurt4UID: 198389

Most people recognize the benefits of individuality, but the fact is that personal economic success requires conformity.

1.进来逛一逛不知道题目是啥,或许有路过的铜子想see see你的作文
可是连题目都要自己去找,说不定人家会嫌麻烦就不看了.下次要记得把题目也打出来哦^.^

2.some people agree....others think....这样的开头即使用在twe里也不是上佳的开头,更不用说是在aw里了.开头所做的事主要有两件:一,给出题目的背景,把话题引向题目关心的内容;二,给出你自己的观点.要知道,几乎所有的aw topic都没有绝对的对错,所以考官关心的是你的想法,而不是其他人,some people this some people that.

3.看了开头和你给的提纲,就这两个东西而言,你这篇习作好象跑题了.
你把题目先翻译成中文看看,会发现讨论点建立在一个基本问题上:
benefits of individuality到底是什么? benefits of individuality等同于personal economic success么?还是前者把后者包括在内?这个显然需要你自己来做解释说明--->比如说,individuality还能起到self identification的作用,这种好处不是用金钱来衡量的,等等.
看你的提纲,社会利益和benefits of individuality的关系是题目讨论的重点么?
你可以说, conformity带来社会/集体利益,从而间接带来个人利益(先不管这里的个人利益是不是经济上的成功),但是这种关系绝对不能反过来写.个人成功与否,对社会有什么影响.
.......恩,你自己再看看,如果确实是跑题的话,还是重写吧.

expire7UID: 2160574

老大，真是牛啊。
不过题目格式不对
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... &extra=page%3D1

kito9695UID: 209685

原帖由 expire7 于 2006-6-17 11:37 发表
老大，真是牛啊。

NOD
震撼不是一天两天的

benniUID: 2166321

There is a general discussion these days over the issue of individual benefits in the public. One of questions under debate is whether personal economic success requires conformity. Some regard individual benefits as a(an) independent progress to earn money to guarantee their personal economic success. Others, who emphasize benefits on the whole society, assert that conformity should be placed at first place when one seeks for personal economic success. As far as I am concerned, individual benefits will lead to a more prosperous social economy and increase the standards of social residents if they are guided to get conformity.

No one can doubt the essential fact that individuals, the basic element constitutes of society, if their personal success are realized, contribute greatly to whole society's progress as well as promote the living standards of public. Any individual is willing to make(attain还是尽量少用make，太含糊) his goal to most beneficial to himself(goal to+v. rather than adjective, 此外这个“to”成分有点多于，这句话翻译成中文是“每个人都愿意实现自己的目标，从而有益于自己”你绝不觉得后半句是废话，可以说“每个人都愿意实现自己的目标，从而实现自身价值的最大化”so the correct expression is—…goal to maximize the value of individual). At the time they spent(start?) to realize the greatest individual benefits, they either operate some high-tech vehicles or manage a department of a company, or a coffee shop. They get benefits from the progress which benefits a large number of ordinary people(which also benefits other people,为什么要强调ordinary?普通人). Without high-tech vehicle operator, some expensive systems（我明白你的意思，但表达得不清楚，因为system表示的意思太多了） might stop working. Without a department manager of a company, the whole business of the company might be put to the situation of danger. Without boss of lottery shop or coffee shop, people's lives will be less convenient（lottery?是不是book shop/music shop/grocery shop/drug shop比彩票店更典型，没觉得没有彩票会很不方便）. Those individuals, though with a mere aim of seeking their individual benefits, maintain the whole society's function.

However, it must be noted that the method of realizing individual economic success should be favorable to other and the whole society. Great disaster will arise if individuals tend to realize personal success by all means. It is imaginable a society of disorder and diffusion flooded by individuals desperate to search their own benefits.(这句话的结构混乱。首先，society后面的定语太长了，我看着乱可能是水平有限；再者，imaginable后面应该是加一个从句，可你在后面加的是一个名词，语法错误。可以说it is not hard to imagine a society of…或者it is imaginable that…) Workers of important and secret department threaten to（put threaten to） reveal national security secrets if more salary or bonus is given. Business man provide(provides) inferior or fake products to maximize its pure profit. From the above examples, it is clear that personal economic success can not be the solitary goal of an individual. This aspect must be paid attention to when one do harm to other people or society which benefit no one in the end.

Furthermore, personal success, sometimes, should be sacrificed to guarantee the benefits of the public and society. Take an(a) famous example in China. The building of three gorge project(原来是三峡工程…费解了半天) turning water power to electric power requires local people to emigrant to other place to let their hometown flooded for the development of the whole project.（个人感觉这个例子很恰当，但如果是一个不知道三峡工程的外国人，他可能很难明白你的意思） And, local people, when faced with the great difficulties, did not complain their great loss and homelessness since then. Although their individual benefits are being damaged for the emigration, central and south China will benefit greatly due to the complement of the three gorge project. And a releasing to China's energy crisis would be achieved in sacrifice of some citizen's individual benefits. In fact, the majority of residents in central and south China get their individual benefits for the minority's conformity.

We could safely draw a conclusion that individual benefits should be respected with a ensure （ensure是动词，前面不能加a，也不能放在with后面）that other people and whole society's benefits are not being harmed.


1、和斑竹说的一样，跑题了。斑竹说的是一方面；另一方面，题目说的individuality，是“个性”，因此题目的意思说“人们在谈到个人经济成功的时候，往往强调个性，但事实上，遵从和一致才是个人经济成功的关键”，而jj写的是“个人对于社会的贡献”。

2、还是要夸一下小林子的~因为感觉到了你的认真，简单句明显比以前少了，而且词汇上也花了心思。不过，有一些句子有凑字的嫌疑，有一些复杂的表达使句子有些晦涩。其实个人感觉，好的文章应该是简练清晰的，长句子之所以复杂，是因为表达了很多的意思，这就是水平；如果使用一个很长的句子表达了一个简单句就能说清的意思，就显得冗长拖沓。

jj7710UID: 204058

当我看到Benni作文的那一刻，我就发现自己跑题了！
完全理解错误！
到这边一看自己作文，发现错误早被各斑竹指出，非常感谢。
决定这周写两篇吧，争取重写一篇出来。