argument26 [九月摩天轮]lyonco第一次作业

lyoncoUID: 2200701

26The following appeared in a memo from the chairperson of the school board in the town of Saluda.
"For the past five years, Mr. Charles Schade has been the music director at Steel City High School, and during that time the school band from Steel City High has won three regional band competitions. In addition, the quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments at Steel City High has improved markedly over the past five years. Because of such successes at Steel City High, the Saluda school board should hire Mr. Schade to plan and direct the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system."
1. SS是否真的需要一个音乐方面的指导负责人；
2. 三个冠军说明不来了Schade的才能；
3. 彩排设备和乐器的改善一样没有说服力，可能是其他援引造成的；
4. 文章没有给出Schade其他方面才能的评价；

In this memo, the chairperson of Saluda school board recommends that they should employ Mr. Schade to plan and direct the general music education programs for their entire school system. To bolster this recommendation, the chairperson points out that during the periods of Mr. Schade serving as the music director in Steel City High School, its school band has won three regional band competitions and, in addition, the quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments in that school has improved distinctly. The evidences presented throughout the memo, however, are insufficient and hence does not lend strong support to what the arguer claims.

First of all, the memo provides no evidence concerning the current situation of Saluda school's music education. Lacking such evidence, it is entirely possible that Saluda school in fact does not need a person to plan and direct its general music education programs, or perhaps the school has already owned an ideal employee engaging in this job. Having failed to substantiate such a personnel demand and that Mr. Schade would be the best candidate, any recommendation relies on it is unsound at best.

Secondly, the fact that school band of Steel City High has won three regional band competitions contribute little to guarantee the personal capability of Mr. Schade. Since the memo fails to give information about the past performance of Steel City High's band in those competitions—the time Mr. Schade not working in that school, we cannot establish a comparison to evaluate the work of him. For that matter, the chairperson fails to convince me that the success in three competitions is attributable to the excellent work of Mr. Schade. Furthermore, in this memo, the chairperson also presents no specific information about the competition, such as its level, authority, the number of participators, and so forth. In absence of such important information, the chairperson cannot demonstrate the preeminent capacity and also fails to support his/her recommendation.

In addition, the chairperson unfairly assumes that the improvement of quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments at Steel City High is due to the endeavor of Mr. Schade. Perhaps any other person’s hard work, rather than Mr. Schade, should be responsible for this improvement, or perhaps a large amount of financial donation from a sponsor causes this improvement. Without considering and eliminating these and other possible explanations, the recommendation is still unpersuasive.

Last but not least, even if the ability of Mr. Schade as music director is well proved, the chairperson still fails to ensure that he is competent for planning and directing the general music education programs as well. After all, they are two completely different positions and have diverse requirements.

In sum, this argument is not well supported as it stands. To strengthen the recommendation, the chairperson must provide more evidence to guarantee the personnel demand of Saluda school. Additionally, the information about the competitions mentioned in the memo is also needed. To better assess this argument, I also need to know the performance of Steel school's band in the past and a comprehensive evaluation about the competence of Mr. Schade.
word518

[ 本帖最后由 lyonco 于 2006-6-26 16:43 编辑 ]

rockmeUID: 2202320

In this memo, the chairperson of Saluda school board recommends that they should employ Mr. Schade to plan and direct the general music education programs for their entire （Saluda）school system.（这样讲就是整个学校的系统了，应该是整个Saluda地区的学校系统） To bolster this recommendation, the chairperson points out that during the periods of Mr. Schade serving as the music director in Steel City High School, its（用the比较好吧？） school band has won three regional band competitions and, in addition, the quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments in that school has improved distinctly. The evidences presented throughout the memo, however, are insufficient and hence does not lend strong support to what the arguer claims.

First of all, the memo provides no evidence concerning the current situation of Saluda school's music education. Lacking such evidence, it is entirely possible that Saluda school in fact does not need a person to plan and direct its general music education programs, or perhaps the school has already owned an ideal employee engaging in this job. Having failed to substantiate such a personnel demand and that Mr. Schade would be the best candidate, any recommendation relies on it is unsound at best.(不是Saluda学校，Saluda是个地区，讲的是这整个地区的学校系统program，是不是题意没理解清楚？而且这个论点不及下面的几个有说服力，放在最后比较好)
Secondly, the fact that school band of Steel City High has won three regional band competitions contribute(s) little to guarantee the personal capability of Mr. Schade. Since the memo fails to give information about the past performance of Steel City High's band in those competitions—the time（when） Mr. Schade （was）not working in that school（这期间Schade是在这个钢铁城市高中工作的啊）,we cannot establish a comparison to evaluate the work of him. For that matter, the chairperson fails to convince me that the success in three competitions is attributable to the excellent work of Mr. Schade. Furthermore, in this memo, the chairperson also presents no specific information about the competition, such as its level, authority, the number of participators, and so forth. In absence of such important information, the chairperson cannot demonstrate the preeminent capacity （of Schade）and also fails to support his/her recommendation.（后面这一点考虑的挺周到的，我就没想到说说这个）

In addition, the chairperson unfairly assumes that the improvement of quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments at Steel City High is due to the endeavor of Mr. Schade. Perhaps any other person’s hard work, rather than Mr. Schade, should be responsible for this improvement, or perhaps a large amount of financial donation from a sponsor causes this improvement. Without considering and eliminating these and other possible explanations, the recommendation is still unpersuasive.

Last but not least, even if the ability of Mr. Schade as music director is well proved, the chairperson still fails to ensure that he is competent for planning and directing the general music education programs as well. After all, they are two completely different positions and have diverse requirements.
（第四个论点论证的有些少，不够饱满，其实比第一个有说服力，可以多充实一下嘛）
In sum, this argument is not well supported as it stands. To strengthen the recommendation, the chairperson must provide more evidence to guarantee the personnel demand of Saluda school（不是Saluda学校，是地区，题意理解？）. Additionally, the information about the competitions mentioned in the memo is also needed. To better assess this argument, I（we） also need to know the performance of Steel school's band in the past and a comprehensive evaluation about the competence of Mr. Schade.（还有一点，这个地区的学校系统的指导者需要具备什么样的素质，Schade是否具备）

[ 本帖最后由 rockme 于 2006-6-28 13:43 编辑 ]

rockmeUID: 2202320

文笔比我好的多，就是题意理解上好像有点偏差，其他都挺好的

第一次改作文，还不怎么会改，改的不好，见谅拉～

empyrealUID: 2220816

大家都好积极的说

lyoncoUID: 2200701

感谢Rockme的指正，我就是由这个毛病，看argu就盯着错误，忽视了一些细节。
谢谢！