argument53

xupeng66UID: 2193287

Argument 53
两个错误：
1：调查样本的代表性和充分性
2：没有在荷尔蒙的分泌和紧张表现间建立因果关系。
In this argument, the author concludes that increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues. This assertion is based on the result of conducted thirteen years ago on a group of 25 infants who showed signs of mild distress when exposed to strange stimuli and the result of the follow-up study conducted earlier this year on these children. To substantiate his assertion, the writer also indicates the function of a kind of hormone of which mother’s production increases in autumn. However, this argument is weakened by several critical problems.

In the first place, the author fails to provide evidence to show that research conducted thirteen years ago was statistically reliable. For, obviously, a group of only 25 infants could not constitute a sufficient sample which is crucial to the credibility of a research. Additionally, in absence of the detailed procedure of the research, the author failed to show us whether these infants were selected randomly. To strengthen his assertion, the writer has to provide solid evidence to show that the sample of the research was sufficient in size and were representative of the overall infants.

In the second place, the writer fails to draw a causal relationship between the increase in the production of melatonin and signs of mild stress in infants. For many other factors may be also responsible for the signs of mild stress in infants. Commonsense tells us that, everyone, when exposed to a strange environment, will fell more or less stressful, leave alone the infants. Furthermore, the author provides no direct evidence to show that such kind of hormone will affect the cerebral function of infants. It is quite possible that, this hormone can only affect the brain function of the mothers.

In conclusion, although this argument possesses some merit, the author’s assertion is open to doubt. To strengthen this argument, the author has to provide solid evidence to show the credibility and reliability of the research, and demonstrates clearly the causal relationship between the increased level of the very kind of hormone and the mild sign of the stress in infants.

fenghua9801UID: 2191885

首先申明：我不是高手啊～！

In this argument, the author concludes that increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues. This assertion is based on the result of [是不是应该加上experiment??]conducted thirteen years ago on a group of 25 infants who showed signs of mild distress when exposed to strange stimuli and the result of the follow-up study conducted earlier this year on these children. To substantiate his assertion, the writer also indicates the function of a kind of hormone of which mother’s production[mother’s production有点费解啊] increases in autumn[这才是主要的，感觉不说得不够]. However, this argument is weakened by several critical problems.
[开头有点长啊，是否可以再简化一点？而且最后才说的那一点，某素增加我觉得应该重点说一下才好]

In the first place, the author fails to provide evidence to show that research conducted thirteen years ago was statistically reliable. For, obviously, a group of only 25 infants could not constitute a sufficient sample which is crucial to the credibility of a research. Additionally, in absence of the detailed procedure of the research, the author failed to show us whether these infants were selected randomly. To strengthen his assertion, the writer has to provide solid evidence to show that the sample of the research was[应该用现在时吧？] sufficient in size and were [应该用现在时吧？]representative of the overall infants.
[这段写的不错]

In the second place, the writer fails to draw[用establish是不是好些] a causal relationship between the increase in the production of melatonin and signs of mild stress[应该是distress吧？] in infants. For many other factors may be also responsible for the signs of mild stress in infants. Commonsense tells us that, everyone, when exposed to a strange environment, will fell more or less stressful, leave alone the infants. Furthermore, the author provides no direct evidence to show that such kind of hormone will affect the cerebral function of infants. It is quite possible that, this hormone can only affect the brain function of the mothers.[感觉还可以继续深入的谈一点，意犹未尽的感觉]

In conclusion, although this argument possesses some merit, the author’s assertion is open to doubt. To strengthen this argument, the author has to provide solid evidence to show the credibility and reliability of the research, and demonstrates clearly the causal relationship between the increased level of the very kind of hormone and the mild sign of the stress in infants.

[开头和结尾写的太长了，加起来有155字，而总字数只有352，也就是说和正文是差不多长的，感觉正文部分应该展开，开头和结尾简练一点。]
[还有一点探讨一下，我觉得样本的代表性和充分性不是最主要的，主要的在于你说的第二点，那么是不是应该先说主要的，再说次要的？]

帮忙看看我写的吧：
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... &extra=page%3D1

[ 本帖最后由 fenghua9801 于 2006-7-26 00:02 编辑 ]