Issue50 {长征队第一次作业},请大家多拍.不胜感激

IloveMorganUID: 2209413

Topic:"In order to improve the quality of instructions at the college and university level,all faculty should be required to spend time working outside the academic world in professions relevant to the courses they teach.


  I foundmentally agree with that "all faculty should be required to spend time working outside the academic world in professions which relevant to the courses they teach.
  To begin with ,work relevant to the courses faculty teach which will improve their understanding to their major.For instance,if an engineering instructor working with recorder or weahter broadcaster for sometimes,she/he will have better understanding to his/her professions and improve quickly,Engineering needs meteorology to support such as the same as lawyer that lives up with common people,which can improve their profession and understanding to get people's inner things.
  Furthermore,make for peoples needs is the central part for univesty level,or even though the whole educational bureacracy.If we understand their needs sufficiently,it will feed back on our academic area.In the first place,from the better understanding to their wills,we can change our teach method to satisfy individuals or soceity's needs,improving our academic knowledge.secondly,our improved teaching-quality will broaden students'views,to help them adjust from campus to the job market which may serve them a good job or even a brilliant furture.thirdly,working with the non-academic world relevant to their majorwill ameliroate the faculties surrodings-university,if more and more faculties working outside the academic world.The person whos improved their study to teach which the university will serve more from that.It's not only a monetary thing,but also can improve their social reputation(academic reputaion).From the idea which I present,I fully agree with which the speak assert.
  however,going to far is as bad as not going far enough,meaning rebundant outside work may do harm to instructino.Even if non-academic world relevant to their major have lots advantages,we have to realize that profession is the major concern,only if we do our professional work welly,then non-academic world experience will would help us more.
  In summary,wheter to choose non-academic area to work which relevant to their major depends on the fact that faculty should put much emphasis on professional work,and non-academic to be a supplymentary thing to support taht will be fine.If not may detrimental to our universities or educational profession.

tianrushuiUID: 207550

I foundmentally agree with that "all faculty should be required to spend time working outside the academic world in professions which relevant to the courses they teach.
  To begin with ,work relevant to the courses faculty teach which will improve their understanding to their major.这一句话有比较大的问题，首先从句用得不对，应该是courses which faculty teach,其次work做主语与谓语improve搭配不太对，work本身并不能improve understanding. For instance,if an engineering instructor working with recorder or weahterweather broadcaster for sometimes,she/he will have better understanding to his/her professions and improve quicklyrecorder和weather broadcaster的工作与engineering有什么联系？,前后是两个句子，用。而不是，Engineering needs meteorology to support such as the same as lawyer that lives up with common people这一句没看懂,which can improve their profession and understanding to get people's inner things.这一句需要展开，不能光写can improve需要具体的说明一下如何的improve
  Furthermore,make动词不能做主语的，making for peoples needs is the central part for univesty level,or even though the whole educational bureacracy这个词不恰当.If we understand their needs sufficiently,it will feed back on our academic area.这篇文章是要说work outside academic world对quality of instruction的作用，并不是对学术上的作用In the first place,from the better understanding to their wills,we can change our teach method to satisfy individuals or soceity's needs,improving our academic knowledge了解个人和社会的需要和提高academic knowledge不太是一回事把.secondly,our improved teaching-quality will broaden students'views,to help them adjust from campus to the job market which may serve them a good job or even a brilliant furture.这个secondly的说理并不恰当，在这篇文章里firstly,secondly,thirdly都是用来说明understand needs对academic方面的作用，但是帮助学生找到更好的工作显然和学术成就不太有关系。不过你这一段本身的论证有问题，其实这一条可以用在说明work outside对instruction quality的作用的。thirdly,working with the non-academic world relevant to their majorwill ameliroate the faculties surrodings-university,if more and more faculties working outside the academic world.The person whos improved their study to teach which the university will serve more from that.It's not only a monetary thing,but also can improve their social reputation(academic reputaion).From the idea which I present,I fully agree with which the speak assert.整个第三段的逻辑都存在问题，文章要讨论的是work outside对instruction quality的影响，不是要说对这些老师自身的影响
  however,going to far is as bad as not going far enough,meaning rebundant outside work may do harm to instructino.Even if non-academic world relevant to their major have lots of advantages,we have to realize that profession is the major concern,only if we do our professional work welly,then non-academic world experience will would help us more.没有任何对rebundant outside work may do harm to instruction的论证
  In summary,wheter to choose non-academic area to work which relevant to their major从句直接放到non-academic area后 depends on the fact that faculty should put much emphasis on professional work,and non-academic to be a supplymentary thing to support taht will be fine.If not may detrimental to our universities or educational profession.最后这并不是一个完整的句子呀
可以找本托福的语法书先看看基本的语法，简单的语法错误还是挺多的，然后论证展开不够，没有紧扣题目

作文版全体版主UID: 2102351

语言语法上面的同学已经解析的很明确了,我这里就提提结构上的问题,以后你练习到后期的时候,语言不会是问题,主要是结构,如果结构好了,即使语言平淡也可以得到基本分的,如果结构走了,那么很容易拿个跑题的2分,甚至更低.


I foundmentally agree with that "all faculty should be required to spend time working outside the academic world in professions which relevant to the courses they teach.这种完全重复题目的会让人觉得你没有话说,马上扣第一印象分.开头段应该简明你的立场,为下文做铺垫,而且阐述的时候要用你自己的话.

  To begin with ,work relevant to the courses faculty teach which will improve their understanding to their major.这是你这段的主题句,但是主题句后面要有些展开, course究竟怎么improve their understanding的.展开写几句后再写例子.For instance,if an engineering instructor working with recorder or weahter broadcaster for sometimes,she/he will have better understanding to his/her 前后不对应啊.professions and improve quicklyhow?你举例子就是要说明主题句的,可是你只是简单套了个例子把主题句又重复说了,究竟是怎么提高的还是没说清.GRE作文要求你把你的思想列出来,并且用简练的语言说明它,不能只是一味地强调你的观点.,Engineering needs meteorology to support such as the same as lawyer that lives up with common people,which can improve their profession and understanding to get people's inner things.语法结构很有问题,我也没读懂.
  Furthermore,make for peoples needs is the central part for of univesty以后小组作业的时候记得交作业前把错字改过来哦 level,or even though the whole educational bureacracy.If we understand their needs sufficiently,it will feed back on our academic area.这段你是要说先了解社会的需要是什么,然后好有效地去满足吗?可是和主题有什么关系呢?有点偏.或者是你这个只是个引子,下面把和主题相关的东西引出来,可是你要知道老美是没耐心这么看的,如果功底不深不能很好地衔接过度让人觉得一气呵成的话,还是建议开头就直接陈述出来你的观点,这前面大段的话放到后面做TOPIC SENTENCE的支持句去.In the first place,from the better understanding to their wills,we can change our teach method to satisfy individuals or soceity's needs,improving our academic knowledge.同样是话说的不到位,感觉没说清楚.像你要说,明白他们要什么,然后去满足,你需要继续说,怎么样在接近后了解了从而去满足.题目让分析的就是"spend time working outside"后是如何"improve the quality of instructions ",你在文章里要做的是写好多有逻辑的话一步步去证明上面两个引号间是怎么样建立关系的.不能简单把这两个引号里的话换个说法说一下.secondly,our improved teaching-quality will broaden students'views,to help them adjust from campus to the job market which may serve them a good job or even a brilliant furture.thirdly,working with the non-academic world relevant to their majorwill ameliroate the faculties surrodings-university,if more and more faculties working outside the academic world.The person whos improved their study to teach which the university will serve more from that.It's not only a monetary thing,but also can improve their social reputation(academic reputaion).From the idea which I present,I fully agree with which the speak assert.
  however,going to far is as bad as not going far enough,meaning rebundant outside work may do harm to instructino.Even if non-academic world relevant to their major have lots advantages,we have to realize that profession is the major concern,only if we do our professional work welly,then non-academic world experience will would help us more.关于过重的课外工作是如何do harm,需要阐述清楚.在每次写完topic sentence后都要想想这个sentence是how的,然后展开进行进一步说明,必要的时候就再举个例子.
  In summary,wheter to choose non-academic area to work which relevant to their major or not depends on the fact that faculty should put much emphasis on professional work,and non-academic to be a supplymentary thing to support taht :(   will be fine.If not may detrimental to our universities or educational profession.
最后一段要么对前几段全部的总结,要么做个展望.不能仅是一个或者部分段落的总结.



按现在的水平来说,几点建议.
1.多读范文,或者论坛上其他人的文章,可以读后,看看别人对他是怎么评论的.积累写作结构和优秀的句子,思想.
2.每日都要写作文,实在写不出就列提纲,主要把自己的段落思路安排的有条理,有逻辑性.
3.动笔前可以利用论坛搜索功能看看你要写的题目其他人是怎么写的.
4.语法很有问题,建议先从小句子着手,别一上来就大长句,这样很容易丢结构导致句子不通顺.
5.交作业的时候也可以附上自己的提纲,便于修改者掌握你的思路,提出更好的结构上的建议.
6.强烈建议下次给小组交作业的时候把简单的拼写错误改过来.

既然语言不好,就要注重逻辑,如果有一个好的提纲,好的展开方式,即使语言不好也会得到基本分的.加油!!

淡淡飞过UID: 2276792